One of my favorite films from the 80s, Remo Williams:  The Adventure Begins is now in my hot little hands, though it did take some tracking down.  The soundtrack…well, that’s another unfindable matter altogether.  ThatCostumeGirl and I were watching Remo on New Year’s Eve (Rock on!!!  We’re such party-going…uh…people.  Sigh.)  And since we’d both been drinking , we started discussing who we’d cast in a Remo Williams movie if it were made today.  Indeed, since there is a reboot in the works, now would seem to be the time to discuss such things.  Now, I realize that perhaps most couples don’t sit around doing this when they get their drink on, but it’s a common occurence around here.   The drinking for me, and the recasting discussions for her.  Anyways, see who we picked after the jump.

Fred Ward

Josh Holloway

Let’s start at the start.  One of the things that makes this movie work is the casting of Everyman toughguy Fred Ward as Remo Williams/Samuel Macon.  So, if you were remaking the film, it would stand to reason that if you screwed up this casting decision, you’d screw your whole movie.  ThatCostumeGirl suggested Lost’s Josh Holloway.  After thinking about it for a second, I agreed.  He does seem like the kind of guy that could be a tough man cop, and then brought back as a Shinanju trained superagent/assassin for the government.  You’ll notice in Remo Williams that they don’t say just exactly who they work for.  Because they don’t work for anybody!  So, sure…Josh for Remo.

Joel Grey

Min-Sik Choi

What made Remo Williams such campy fun was Joel Grey as acid-tongued Chiun, a Korean patriot and the master of the vague martial art, Shinanju.   To replace Mr. Grey (Though he could probably still do it.) I decided to go with Korean actor Min-Sik Choi who you might remember from the disturbing masterpiece Oldboy.  He looks batshit crazy, but is still a formidable presence, while having a number of years on him.  Also, it might be nice to see him in a movie where he doesn’t remove someone’s teeth with a hammer.

J.A. Preston

Gina Torres

Conn McCleary was the man who recruited Remo into service for the Emperor Smith (more on him later).  In the original, he was played by the irrepressible JA Preston, who I last recall seeing as a judge in A Few Good Men.  I’m making an audible here and changing Mac’s gender, as I think that not only is she gorgeous, but one of the best actresses ever, I would love to see Gina Torres as McCleary, one arm and all!  I can’t get enough Gina Torres, all told.

Sex Machine Wiford Brimley

Sex Machine Sam Elliott

Before Wilford Brimley decided to tell the world about his diabeetus, he played Harold Smith, the only character in Remo Williams more mysterious than Chiun, and the boss of the whole operation.  How he got Chiun’s respect is anyone’s guess, but the little old bastard refers to him as Emperor.  To take his place, I decided to get another grisled old man, but one with a little more sex appeal.  Not that Wilford isn’t a sexy bitch.  Sam Elliott will do nicely, if he’s open to the idea of a haircut.  A little something for the older ladies out there.  Okay, actually, he’s just something for the ladies, no matter their age.  Sexy old side of beef!  Heh heh.

Kate Mulgrew

Elizabeth Banks

Remo Williams, in the Destroyer books has an acquired tail total that surpasses James Bond!  While no sex occured in the movie, there was a lady.  Kate Mulgrew played Army Maj. Rayner Fleming.  For this part, I went with another hot actress, but one who has excellent comedic timing (as the part would seem to require) Elizabeth Banks.  Frankly, I just want to see her in a uniform.  Yow!

Charles Cioffi

Kelsey Grammer

And, every movie has a bad guy.  The big bad in Remo Williams was Charles Cioffi, who played industrial weapon manufacturer George Grove.  He was a real ass, too.  Grove, I mean, not Cioffi.  I can’t fault a man was in one of my favorite movies ever, Time After Time.  Recasting him, I believe I would love to see one of my favorite actors from a TV series, Kelsey Grammer.  It might be nice to see Mr. Grammer not play Frasier Crane, or indeed, be covered in blue fur as Beast from X-Men (though, personally, he was the only reason to watch that third pieceashit.) and it still be successful.

So, there you go.  Sure, there’s other parts that would need to be cast.  Most notably, Grove’s button man Stone, who clearly got his name from the diamond in his front tooth.  But, I think perhaps some of it should be left to your imagination.  Also, I have no idea who would play the part.  So, get on it, Hollywood.  This is a remake idea I can get behind, having been cheated of the further adventures of Remo after being told the the adventure was just beginning!   So, Sony, it looks like, who’s optioning a reboot…look over here!  I’ve done most of your casting for you!  Just pay the people and give us a good movie!