The truth's the truth. You can await my young adult series "Go Fuck Yourself" being published any day now.

Okay, it’s been pretty obvious that I can’t stand the cultural phenomenon that has become Twilight.  However, I never knew I would draw as much ire over it as I have.  Twilight sucks, and really, that’s all there is to it.  It’s fans though, are another matter altogether.  Having been immersed in science fiction/fantasy/horror fandom for years and I’ve been around Star Wars fanatics, Trekkies, Browncoats, Whedonites, etc, etc, etc…and I’ve never seen anything to match the hatefulness and spitefulness of these Twihards.  So, let’s get started poking the hornet’s nest one more time!

1.  Walk up to someone wearing a Team Jacob shirt and ask ‘What’s it like to have to hots for someone who probably has fleas?”

2.  If you ever happen to see Edward Cullen out and about, ask him if he’s tired from mentally abusing his underage girlfriend.  It must be hard work, after all.

3.  Slap Bella across the face.  I don’t have anything to add to that.  That bitch needs a good slappin’.  Then again, she’d probably fall in love with you for it.

4.  If you meet someone who has named their children after someone from this series…kill them.  Their children are better off as orphans after their parents have clearly tried to stunt their emotional growth in such a way.

5.  Ask Edward Cullen if he feels ashamed for not being able to pull off hair product like Angel without looking totally gay.

6.  See if you can boil water on a collection of the Twilight werewolves, because they’re so hot (temperature wise).  When you fail to do so, tell them all to put on a fucking shirt already.

7.  See if you can menace one of the Cullen with a pair of plastic vampire fangs.  When you accomplish this (and you will), say “See!  It’s not that hard to be a scary vampire!”

8.  Just mention that you don’t like Twilight.  When whatever twi-fan is hanging around you starts on their normal bullshit, say “It’s not because I didn’t give it a chance.  It just sucks.”  Leave while they’re trying to convince you.

9.  Go to see Eclipse.  Turn to the person next to you and loudly say “So, where’s Gary Busey?  Isn’t he in this movie?  Doesn’t he have a silver bullet?”  Then go home and take a shower to wash your sins away.  Even if you went to see it as a joke, you’ve still seen it.

10.  The next positive review from some lame ass Twihard about Eclipse you hear, grab the front of their shirt and scream in their face “IT’S A SHITTY MOVIE BASED ON A FUCKING TERRIBLE BOOK SERIES!  IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD!!!  EVER!!!” 

Personally, if I hadn’t had trouble with friends, old acquaintances, family, etc, giving me shit for disliking this terrible thing, I wouldn’t have written this.  It is a simple fact that I will never, ever like this.  I gave it a chance, and came away thoroughly disappointed.  So, please, save it.  I don’t care what you have to say about Twilight.  In my opinion, it’s fucking terrible, and will always be that way.  End of story.

It’s no secret that I really, really hate Twilight.  I feel it important as a father to say that my children, not so much.  They were more than willing to shoot this parody video for me, which first started written life without them in it, and had a much darker, but equally comic tone.  I’m very proud of both my kids in this one, and once again, the camera caught me as director, bitching at everyone about how terrible their acting was, while blowing every one of my lines and turning in a lackluster performance.  We’re still pretty happy with the finished product, however, and hope you find it as funny as we did.  I present Sonlight.

That pretty much sums it up.

The Twilight saga is filled with the pansiest bunch of vampires in the known universe.  And, yes, I’ve read most of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.  Just because a vampire is gay doesn’t mean he’s a pansy.  Indeed, Edward Cullen isn’t gay…but he might as well wear a yellow bonnet and go pick some daisies, that’s all I’m saying.  I don’t really understand the attraction to vampires anyways.  They’re DEAD!  In most vampire mythos around the world, not only are they dead, they’re about as interesting as a walking corpse, and they smell like they’re dead as well.  Anyway, here’s a Twilight poke to just piss off the fans, who I think I may dislike more than the source material.  And, don’t worry…there’s so much Twilight hate in the world, that I’ll be back on this subject in no time.  I can’t claim credit for the picture above, by the way.

I find this horrifying beyond all words. (Except the one's you're reading.)

Picture above brought to my attention by good friend and ManWithPez.com website wrangler Succatash.  This would be one of the changes I’d like to make to the site.  Every so often, I’d like to upset some Twilight fans.  Why?  They’re so damn easy to rile, first thing.  Second, the above statement is 100% true.  Third…I just really fucking hate it.  Look for a Twilight Poke every so often here.  And remember this one thing…Vampires do not fucking sparkle, unless you’ve just hit them with spray-on glitter as a tool to set them on fire. 

Twilight sucks.  And not in a good way.