Okay, it’s been pretty obvious that I can’t stand the cultural phenomenon that has become Twilight. However, I never knew I would draw as much ire over it as I have. Twilight sucks, and really, that’s all there is to it. It’s fans though, are another matter altogether. Having been immersed in science fiction/fantasy/horror fandom for years and I’ve been around Star Wars fanatics, Trekkies, Browncoats, Whedonites, etc, etc, etc…and I’ve never seen anything to match the hatefulness and spitefulness of these Twihards. So, let’s get started poking the hornet’s nest one more time!
1. Walk up to someone wearing a Team Jacob shirt and ask ‘What’s it like to have to hots for someone who probably has fleas?”
2. If you ever happen to see Edward Cullen out and about, ask him if he’s tired from mentally abusing his underage girlfriend. It must be hard work, after all.
3. Slap Bella across the face. I don’t have anything to add to that. That bitch needs a good slappin’. Then again, she’d probably fall in love with you for it.
4. If you meet someone who has named their children after someone from this series…kill them. Their children are better off as orphans after their parents have clearly tried to stunt their emotional growth in such a way.
5. Ask Edward Cullen if he feels ashamed for not being able to pull off hair product like Angel without looking totally gay.
6. See if you can boil water on a collection of the Twilight werewolves, because they’re so hot (temperature wise). When you fail to do so, tell them all to put on a fucking shirt already.
7. See if you can menace one of the Cullen with a pair of plastic vampire fangs. When you accomplish this (and you will), say “See! It’s not that hard to be a scary vampire!”
8. Just mention that you don’t like Twilight. When whatever twi-fan is hanging around you starts on their normal bullshit, say “It’s not because I didn’t give it a chance. It just sucks.” Leave while they’re trying to convince you.
9. Go to see Eclipse. Turn to the person next to you and loudly say “So, where’s Gary Busey? Isn’t he in this movie? Doesn’t he have a silver bullet?” Then go home and take a shower to wash your sins away. Even if you went to see it as a joke, you’ve still seen it.
10. The next positive review from some lame ass Twihard about Eclipse you hear, grab the front of their shirt and scream in their face “IT’S A SHITTY MOVIE BASED ON A FUCKING TERRIBLE BOOK SERIES! IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD!!! EVER!!!”
Personally, if I hadn’t had trouble with friends, old acquaintances, family, etc, giving me shit for disliking this terrible thing, I wouldn’t have written this. It is a simple fact that I will never, ever like this. I gave it a chance, and came away thoroughly disappointed. So, please, save it. I don’t care what you have to say about Twilight. In my opinion, it’s fucking terrible, and will always be that way. End of story.