Photo from the "Shut Your Damn Mouth" school of conflict resolution.

This is my blog.  There are many like it, but this one is mine.  Therefore, I’m going to air some old aggravations on it.  Now, if you use any of the phrases or words I’m about to ridicule, don’t worry.  I already know that much of what I say could be called into like scrutiny, and I’m fine with that.  Also, when I hear these things, I roll with it.  Just know that deep within me, my nerd teeth are gnashing much like a rabid beaver when they’ve got ahold of a particularly nasty bit of wood.  What pisses me off after the jump!

In no particular order:

1.  “The Hubby/The Wifey” – Come on!   Your spouse hasn’t done anything to you to warrant this kind of objective title.  Don’t do that to them!  They don’t deserve it!  It almost makes them sound like property.

2.  Txt spk – If you can’t communicate in complete words and sentences, then please, stop using the English language for it’s prescribed purpose and just grunt for communicative reasons.  And, bear in mind I’m talking about people who write like this when they don’t need to.

3.  “Broad” – Is this 1942?  Then stop talking like that…ESPECIALLY if you’re a fucking man!  This isn’t Old Chicago, and you aren’t Al fucking Capone, got it?!

4.  “You Go Girl”/”Girl Power” - Likewise…this isn’t 1996, and, most likely, you aren’t a fucking Spice Girl.  The mid 90s was roughly the time these phrases should have been buried.

5.  “Methinks” – You know, I can’t really explain why this one sets me off, but boy does it.  You sound like an idiot when you say this, in case no one told you.

6.  Any kind of “babyspeak” – If children really knew you were talking to them the way you are, they sure as hell wouldn’t speak to you again.  And if you aren’t doing this to a baby, then just shut the fuck up.  Biggest offenders?  People talking “wike dis to dere widdle ol’” boyfriend/girlfriend (I’ve never seen married people speak like this, oddly enough), and people who talk to their goddamn pets!  Stop it!

7.  Referring to yourself in the third person – You’re not The Rock.  Hell, Dwayne Johnson isn’t even really The Rock, and there’s no reason you should be talking about yourself as though you’re describing someone who isn’t you.  That’s the first sign of a serial killer.  Or so ManWithPez has heard.

8.  Punctuating Words with “Air Quotes” – Are you operating a fucking puppet?  No?  Then get your damn fingers out of the air!

9.  Referring to an actor/actress by one of their characters names – Calling Kevin Bacon “Footloose” or calling Tobey MacGuire “Spider-Man”.  You sound like Randy…uh, pardon me, Ethan Suplee…off My Name is Earl.  Now, granted, I understand saying something like this when you can’t think of the actor’s name.  That’s fine, mostly.  Otherwise, it smacks of disrespect.  And, if you aren’t talking about a work that that character is from, then you sound like an ignorant fungo.  For example…Calling Matthew Fox “Charlie Salinger” from Party of Five when you’re describing Jack Sheppard from Lost.  Yeah.  Don’t do that.

10.  “You may see ____, but I see_____” – No.  You may see someone who doesn’t know what you’re talking about, but, please, endear yourself to me through condescension.  Let’s see how that works out, shall we?

Okay, there’s a few to start.  Like I stated earlier, I understand that my writing or speaking style may not appeal to everyone.  I’m fine with that.  And, please, if you’re commenting on this piece, remember the bylaws of ManWithPez and be civil.  Is there something people say around you that drives you crazy?  Tell me about it!  I’d love to hear it!  Just don’t tell me in txt spk…or I’ll fuckin’ kill you.