Ah...Fresh meat for the slaughterhouse!

I’ve been accused of deliberately shifting to an unpopular position just because I want to be different from other people.  To my knowledge, I’ve never done such a thing consciously.  Now that THAT’S out of the way, I thought I’d write a little review of the Lost series finale from last night, and if you haven’t guessed from my first sentence that what I have to say might piss you off, you’re even dumber than I look.  So, I tell you what…I like your patronage and the fact that you come to this site.  I’ll try not to be as inflammatory as I want to, and you just sit there, drink a Dharma beer, and relax.  I’m pretty certain that ending was meant to inspire at least some vitriol.   Anyways, find out what I had to say about the Lost closing after the jump.

I’ve been pretty vocal (well, at least to my girlfriend in the comfort of our own living room…people get scary upset when you badmouth Lost) about this season, at least.  My whole point has been that the first season of Lost was one of the greatest entertainment coups of the decade.  The show was started with a premise that didn’t appear to be self-sustaining (and wasn’t), with a ridiculously overblown budget (12 million on the pilot alone…GASP!), and was completely unwilling to reveal any answers to any of the questions being posed by the odd plot of the show.  This formula should not have worked.  I put it to you that it was some amazing acting from damn near everyone involved, and a LOT of patience from the audience that kept the show running in the first season.  Oh, and a little hatch in the ground.  Come on…you had to keep watching for the hatch!

I’ll tell you what kept me coming back in the beginning.  It was the troubled relationship of Sun and Jin Kwon.  I was a fan of Daniel Dae Kim’s since his work on Angel (and, boy, did he get the shaft on THAT show!), and I was so very impressed with his acting, knowing that his regular speaking voice held not even a trace of a Korean accent.  It was Sun peeking out from behind her overbearing husband, and Jin’s slow realization that he really was a good person that kept me tuning in in the beginning.  Jack, Kate, Sawyer…blah…Except for John Locke.  And, that just goes to show what a powerhouse of an actor Terry O’Quinn can be.  Also, I was very impressed with Jorge Garcia’s portrayal of Hurley as possibly one of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet.  The growing mysteries of little boy Walt, the polar bears, the smoke monster, etc, etc, etc…There was nothing you could do BUT watch!

I don’t know what kind of picture I’m painting of the show,  but the first season was nothing short of miraculous television.

And then…sigh…David slept with Maddie.  Sorry, I meant to say that they opened that damn hatch.  Don’t get me wrong, Henry Ian Cusick was a fine addition to the cast, and the character of Desmond is awesome, but once you start exploring what the island’s really about in season two (or what you think it’s about) The Dharma Initiative, then you start to let the air out of the mysticism of the island.  For good or ill, and in this case, it was ill.   While the Tailies storyline managed to finally reunite Bernard and his beloved Rose, it also brought the problematic Ana Lucia and Libby.  Season two was sucha  let down for me that I started considering not watching the show anymore. 

Then season three comes along and totally convinces me that there’s something better I could be doing with my time.  I’m going to be rewatching the entire show very soon, because I think I’ve blocked out significant information from that season.  We started seeing Jack lose his ability to lead (one of the biggest disappointments to me), and the show continued to not answer questions that were posed in the first season!  I’m all for the long draw, but come on!  Season 4 comes along with it’s innovative flash forwards (that were shown to us as the regular flashbacks until the very last second) and the introduction of Benjamin Linus as a total badass (we already knew he was bad…but damn!) sucked me back into the show.  I got caught up on what I’d missed, which wasn’t much, and never missed another episode. 

Season 5 was actually a fun season, something which was missing in a lot of Lost.  The time jumping adventures of everyone involved was entertaining and just, well, fun!    Several answers were given to several questions, finally, mostly concerning the past history of the island and what had occured there.  Season 5 reminded me very much of season 1, and showed me that I had made the right decision to stick with the show. 

And then…season 6 made me question all that.  Jack still wasn’t the leader we were led to believe he was.  Locke wasn’t Locke at all, but the physical embodiment of the black smoke monster.  What?  And the new flashes weren’t flashbacks or flash forwards at all, but flash sideways!  I hate to point this out, but it stretched all the credibility the show had gained in my eyes.  Sure, we got some answers, but the answers that were given were NOT why I watched this show for six years!  Particularly galling to me was the explanation of the black smoke monster, which was, to me, more confusing than it’s mysterious abilities!  Extraneous cast is introduced when Charles Widmore SOMEHOW got back to the island, though he’d been looking for it for years (yes, yes…electromagnetic event and all that…it’s just a bullshit explanation, is all I’m saying.)  Kate was with Jack…she wasn’t with Jack, she was checking out Sawyer, etc.  That love triangle, which bothered me from its inception was simply aggravating in the last season.  I was a fan of Elizabeth Mitchell’s portrayal of Juliet, and I was more than disappointed to see her go.  And then…the biggest slap in the face, for me.  The finale.

The flash sideways dimension was some pocket universe created by the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 (among others) so that they could meet up in the afterlife after they had died.  WHAT…THE…FUCK?  What about Walt?  What about Ben? How the fuck did Lepidus survive the sub explosion?   For me, it all ended with superstitious hoakum and a lot of deus ex machina on the part of the writers, who, let’s face it, had gotten a little lazy at this point.  Ilana and Arzt have the exact same fate?  Why the hell did Jacob even bring her to the island?  I’ve been watching six years of what boils down to a misunderstanding amongst twin brothers?  But, all that has almost nothing to do with the finale.  But seriously…Where the fuck was Walt?  Where the hell was Michael, for that reason?  You’re telling me, with a straight face, that Sayid gets to go to heaven, though he had killed dozens of people, and Michael, who killed two people because his son was being held hostage, not to mention gave his life for a friend,  doesn’t get to go to heaven?  There are some wonky things at work here, and while I’m fine with not getting ALL the answers, I would have been happy with the ones that mattered.

And, getting back to that ending.  Again, what the hell?  I would have had more respect for the show if Jack had went to the bathroom, and Patrick Duffy was in the shower.  It was almost as abrupt as the Sopranos ending.  Jack’s able to get the island’s buttplug back in place (Not explained again, by the way.  I can only hope that it brought the island all sorts of pleasure, cause it sure got mad when it was removed.) and then he drops dead.  At that moment, he and all hs friends get to go to heaven from the Safe Landing Universe.  And, after that, all the buzz was about how great the episode was.  You’ll pardon me while I disagree wholeheartedly.  So, they’re in some weird side purgatory?  Or, they were in the sideways universe.  So, the most obvious guess about the what the island was since season one is the true answer?  Or, it was, with a twist?  Kiss my ass!  Six years!  SIX YEARS, I watched this show, and you’ll pardon me if you didn’t give me what I needed. 

Sorry…I’m just a little bitter about this.  Seasons 1, 4, and 5 were some of the best television ever.  Parts of 6 weren’t terrible (Ab Aeterno, the Richard Alpert story being a highlight for me) but that ending.  I just can’t get my head around how bothered I am by it.  But, it’s not the end of the world.  Truth be told, I wasn’t as invested in the show as I could have been.  Save one part.  Sun and Jin.  They have the best episodes, the best story, and were, for me, the best part of the show, even when they were SEPERATED FOR YEARS ON END!  I’m sorry to say, but Lost really ended for me the second they died. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, some guy named Jacob wants me to meet him for a drink.  If I’m lucky, his asshole brother (never named, by the way…feh!) won’t be there wanting to play Senet, or Chutes and Ladders, or whatever bullshit game he likes to play.  See you in the afterlife!  Peace!

I can't be the only one that wants to push him in that pool.

Mr. Shyamalan…we have to talk.  As you might have guessed, we’re going to be talking about your next movie, The Last Airbender.  By all indications, this looks to be a decent movie, but I’m going to need more than that from you this time.  I need you, like Maverick in Top Gun, to pull up before you hit the hard deck.  And no buzzing the tower, either.  More on this after the jump.

You’ve had a checkered past, Mr. Wunderkind director.  For me, I think the beginning was rocky, myself.  Sure, there are those out there that say The Sixth Sense is one of the better horror films ever made.  Well, I’m not here to stroke your ego.  It’s overrated.  It’s not a bad film, and there are some genuine thrills to be had, but it’s that one movie, and it’s ending (it’s predictable ending to anyone with two eyes…sorry one eyed people out there) that has set you up for some really hard falls later in your career.  Blah blah twist blah.  That’s not a winning formula, man. 

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that your next film, Unbreakable, was enjoyable.  At least, to me it was.  It’s the only movie in the last twenty years that I could say was too short (well…maybe Zombieland, but that’s got nothing to do with this.)  I could have stood another half hour of Bruce Willis’s exploits in that movie.  And, yes, there was a  twist in that one, but again, not an unguessable one.  I can, and do recommend that movie.  Signs was a different story.  Not a horrible film, but just a little too busy for the story, I though.  But, I liked Signs.  Mostly because I like stories where the end parts are sitting out in the open, but they have to be applied correctly.  Yes, the aliens trying to come to a planet that’s mostly water when it’s their only weakness is a bit on the stupid side, but again, strong performances and the general look of the movie appealed to me.  Sure, there was plenty of bad there, but there was a lot of good. 

The Village, however, gets a little stickier.  Had your precious twist ending been left off, it would have been a much more serviceable movie.  Now, I’m not stating that mine is the only…or even the only good opinion.  Far from it.  With the exception of Adrian Brody, you managed to get some decent performances out of some decent actors.  In the end, the ending let me down, because it felt so unnecessary.

Then, things really start to go downhill.  I’ve not seen all of Lady in the Water.  Mostly because what I have seen is downright atrocious.   I can’t speak intelligently on the film, because I can’t sit through it, but I’m willing to bet that’s not a good sign.  I won’t bash it endlessly here, either.  That’s been done.  Likewise for The Happening.  I’ll tell you this about that movie, though.  Where do you get off making a movie that’s ten times worse than the trailer (by all accounts.  Again, I can’t sit through it).  The TRAILER for The Happening was so badass!  But, that’s two big strikes against you, and the lob you’ve been served up in The Last Airbender better not be strike three.

I know this is a nothing blog, and my opinion amounts to little to nothing in the scheme of things.  The trailer for The Last Airbender looks awesome, and that gives me pause.  The trailers for The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Happening were all very, very good.  The movies, not so much.  That your last three movies were panned doesn’t bother me.  But, you are messing with a very important property…at least in this house, Avatar has been important.  I like the look of things so far, but I liked the look The Happening too.  You’re not known for family movies, or adapting other people’s works.  So, I’m still trying to figure out what underdwelling diety you sold your soul to to make this movie.  I need things from this movie, and I need you to deliver them.  I wouldn’t have choosen you as a director, but that’s already done.

If you give us a rotten egg in the ruined corpse of a movie in the form of one of my favorite TV shows, we’re going to have a problem.  Not a stalk/letterbomb/stabby problem, but a problem.  You will become the constant butt of my jokes in a way that Chuck Norris has yet to feel around here.  I’ll never watch, or allow any member of my family to watch another one of your movies.  That you’ve turned out a great trailer, I think, is pretty good first step.  Then that comes on the heels that you’re interested in directing one of the Twilight movies?  Do you know what the term ”backslide” means?  Don’t fuck this up!  Give me a good Avatar movie, and you can go shoot gay porn…sorry, Twilight movies until your hat floats. 

I know these words carry little threat, but you’ve managed to thoroughly piss me off in the last few years, and now you have the reins of The Last Airbender.  Just try…please try to get it right.  That is all.

That pretty much sums it up.

The Twilight saga is filled with the pansiest bunch of vampires in the known universe.  And, yes, I’ve read most of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.  Just because a vampire is gay doesn’t mean he’s a pansy.  Indeed, Edward Cullen isn’t gay…but he might as well wear a yellow bonnet and go pick some daisies, that’s all I’m saying.  I don’t really understand the attraction to vampires anyways.  They’re DEAD!  In most vampire mythos around the world, not only are they dead, they’re about as interesting as a walking corpse, and they smell like they’re dead as well.  Anyway, here’s a Twilight poke to just piss off the fans, who I think I may dislike more than the source material.  And, don’t worry…there’s so much Twilight hate in the world, that I’ll be back on this subject in no time.  I can’t claim credit for the picture above, by the way.

Even the logo pisses me off, now!

In a few simple words, I’ve really, really started to hate the social networking site Facebook.  Now, granted, I understand that it’s not for everyone.  Or, rather, that’s how it started.  When I first got on Facebook, I adored it.  It really was a way to connect with some people that I hadn’t seen in some time.  And then, it turned into a hot mess.  Find out why I can’t stand it anymore, and why I can’t just logoff for good after the jump.

Oh, look! They're lined up for a 3 Stooges style slap!

1.  I’ve Already Been Through High School Once, Thanks. - And, I’m not really fond of the idea of doing it again.  Popularity, cliques, etc…it’s all still right there on Facebook!  I was a bit…oh, antisocial in high school.  I wasn’t really liked that well, and I wasn’t really disliked either.  But, as I’ve pointed out on the internet from time to time, there are people out there that simply do not like the way I look, and want to push my face in forever.  These people have found me on Facebook, and now they want to be my friend.  It might seem petty to hold a grudge for so long, and I’m probably outlining why I should be put on a federal watch list by saying this, but I’m not Mr. Forgiveness.  If you punched me in the face way back…NEWSFLASH…I still don’t like you, and I certainly don’t want to talk to you, ever.  So, if you remember slapping me around; even if you don’t remember it, just leave me alone.  Oh, do you think I liked it when people would come up to me looking for someone else?  No, I didn’t.  I still don’t.

I would like to commission a driveby on the inventor of this shit.

2.  I Don’t Give A Shit About Farmville, YoVille, Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars, etc. – And, I never will.  I play exactly two games on Facebook, and those sparingly.  For the love of ALL that is holy, please…please stop trying to get me to play these stupid fucking Facebook games.  I would rather be lit on fire and put out with a sledgehammer than waste my time with such bullshit, and I really don’t care what the fuck your progress is, thanks. 

Not my family, but deal with this on a daily basis, and you'll get the idea.

3.  The Daily Family Reunion – I love my family, yes I do.  I love them so much that I moved away from them on purpose.  Why?  Well, I’m just like them…enjoyable in small doses.  If there’s a chance that you only go home to see your family for a week at a time at a few key times throughout the year, why on earth would you want them to know what you’re doing at all hours.  When I first got onto Facebook, sure, I’d drink and status update, but that all stopped when my father, one of the few people in my family who is NOT on Facebook says “Saw you were drinking a little bit.”  Even the people who aren’t on Facebook have their spies!  And, it’s not like you can deny your family’s friend requests!  That just makes you a dick in their eyes.  Besides, I love my Grandma.  I just don’t want to reveal to her what I’m doing all the time.  Which, in most cases, is drinking a 40, smoking all the J, and slappin’ a ho. 

Oh Birdy. You're so much better than FailWhale. He's cool too, though.

4.  Twitter, Like Shampoo, is Better – So, if you take Facebook, and strip it of everything that’s annoying about it, you get Twitter.  Fine by me.  The best thing about Twitter is that almost everyone I know on Facebook knows absolutely nothing about it, Thank GOD!  Status updates only?  Fine by me, and you know they won’t be annoyingly overlong, because you only get 140 characters to speak your mind.  If you get too emo?  You go on Twittersnooze (thanks to Neil Gaiman for that recommendation).  If you get too insane…well, you go away, for good.  And, if you’re in my family, and you come to Twitter, you get the warning.  I speak my mind on Twitter, which is filled with insanity, inanity, and cursing…mostly cursing.  So, while I wax philosophical about titties on Twitter, I would never do so on Facebook.  And, yes, I’ve blocked family on Twitter.

A right cross from the Messiah ended the fracas once and for all!

5.  Jesus Doesn’t Care About Your Status Updates – Hey, you!  Why the hell are you praying on Facebook?  Are you trying to show everyone what a good person you are?  Cause, I remember you when you would get passed around a party for sexual purposes.  Pretty sure you didn’t care what God thought about you then.  I’m supposed to reconcile that with who you think you are now (Turbochristian)?  Get bent!  I don’t care what you’re doing today…I’m fairly certain that the Almighty has better things to do with his time than to see if you were able to put gas in your car.   And, that’s what kills me the most about people applying for sainthood through Facebook status updates:  It’s always…ALWAYS concerning something so mundane as to bore people to tears.  Unless you’re living with some kind of infirmity, then it’s nothing special that you were able to get your car out of the snow.  Stop fucking praying about it.   What I have noticed about people with debillitating infirmities…they live their lives and don’t try to hang the whole thing on God.  Certainly not on Facebook.

Budget cuts reduces ManWithPez to drastic graphic measures.

6.  If You Can’t Be You, Who are You? – That picture of you and your husband that you think is so cute?  It’s not bad, I’ll grant you.  But you shouldn’t be using it as a profile picture.  Am I talking to some strange hivemind that consists of you, your fucking dog, and your kids?  No…I’m trying to talk to you.  If Facebook is, indeed, a social network, then why are these people unable to post anything remotely connected with themselves as people?  As I write this, there are 280+ pictures of me on Facebook.  I’m not an attention whore.  Far from it, but that page is about me.  Sure, there are pictures of my kids and family on there, and yes, I talk about them from time to time, but they’re not ALL I talk about.  If you are defined by your family only…then who are you?  You’re not them, you’re you!  Start acting like it.

Damn Facebook ninja! At least his pimp hand is strong.

7.  Stalking, Lurking, and Hiding – If you constantly update your status, and yet you don’t show up in the Who’s On list at the bottom right of the screen…what the fuck are you doing?  Apparently, you’re hiding from certain people.  Hey, nothing wrong with that, but perhaps you shouldn’t be on a SOCIAL NETWORKING site if that’s all you’re going to do.  Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes you just want to go on Facebook and fuck off.  I understand that.  I’m talking about the people who do nothing but.  Do yourself a favor, and remove yourself from Facebook.  Actually, go out somewhere, meet some people, and talk to them.  If those people suck, go to a library and read a book.  Booklearnin’ never hurt nobody, I promise.

I dunno. You're guess is as good as mine.

8.  Cases of the Vague – “LOL”  “This sucks and none of you understand”, “All of you suck” , and more along these lines.  What are you trying to say.  I mean, my personal favorites of these is the “…and none of you understand” statements.  Oh really?  Then what the fuck are you bothering to tell me for?  Not only do I not understand, I don’t care enough about you to respond, which, apparently was what you were going for, Mr or Ms. Drama.  Look, I have enough problems without worrying about your cryptic messages to several hundred people.  Shit, or get off the pot.

Hmm..seems someone with a camera was at my last family reunion.

9. Guilt Trip Causes – Look, if I want to support a cause, I’ll do it in real life, not with some fake ass bullshit Facebook fan page.  How much support do you really, really think you’re offering these causes by saying you support them on Facebook, and then shotgunning your entire friend’s list with like requests?  You want to help those causes, you aren’t going to do it in front of your computer, I guarantee.  I am not going to feel like a bad person because I ignore everyone of these requests.  You start doing something good and real, and then we’ll talk.

You know what...I really don't care who he screwed.

10.  Public Relationship Drama – Oh dear God…This is probably the thing I hate the most.  Look, I’ve been in some bad relationships.  I sure have.  I sure as hell didn’t broadcast them for everyone to see, though.  You can find your friends and talk to them about it on Facebook, that’s true.  You really don’t need to put what’s happening about you as a couple in your public status.  That is, unless you want me to yawn at you.  You have the means, on Facebook, to privately talk to whoever you need to, so do it!  The rest of the people on your friend list will thank you.

There, I think I’ve purged my dislike of Facebook, for the time being.  What’s funny is that if I deleted my Facebook page today, I’d be flooded with calls from my family wanting to know if I’m alright.  None of them read this site, so I don’t have to worry about them coming over here and getting all huffy about it.  But, and I hate to say this, I’m too heavily invested in the site to simply drop off of it.  My family has a very strange habit of disclosing illnesses, surgeries, and deaths only on Facebook.  Yeah, I know…so to take the good with the bad, I have to stay on there.  I check it once every three days or so.    Now, if you’ll excuse me, some people have beaten me on Facebook Farkle, and I need to take them out.  Also, I need to go curse at all the women who are my age who still have status updates concerning how much they love Twilight.  I must mock them and anyone who agrees with them.  Later!

Blech! Even looking at the book cover makes me want to wretch.