And that’s my new CLEAR Maverick REV-6 Nerf Gun with red darts!

True story!  Lying would only make me a ham.

Sure, she's on the hot side, but can she be as annoyed as she is annoying? That's the question.

Ah, college.  The bastion of higher learning that it would seem society demands we go through in order to make our lives complete. Whether or not you agree with the following statement, let me tell you that having been a college student at the right time (19) and the wrong time (33), it is a stressful time, no matter how old you are.  That being said, it should be fairly easy to annoy your average college student.  Let’s take a look after the jump, shall we?

1.  On the first day of college go into a random freshman classroom, lock the door, and begin teaching.  See how much you can teach on whatever the subject is before campus security escorts you from the building.  Major bonus points if it’s a foreign language class and all you know is the curse words.

2.  Have a stunning seven course meal catered to you in the student center dining facility in full view of all the hungry college kids.

3.  Roll into a class several minutes late in a wheelchair.  Make as much noise and commotion as you can.  Ten mintues later, loudly say “Fuck this shit!”   Get up, and walk out of the room, leaving the wheelchair.

4.  Rent a house on campus and see if you can start a fake fraternity.  Accept as many pledges as you can, take their money, and then leave the country.

5.  Walk in on test day, and just as the test is handed out, take out an electric razor and shave.  See how much you can get done before you’re physically removed from the room.

6.  See how many unrelated questions to the subject you can ask your professor.  (I know this drove me batshit while I was in school.  What the hell is wrong with people?)

7.   Enact a scheme wherein you end up running over that crusty dean with your car.  Hey…it worked for Homer Simpson!

8.  Rig all the computers in the computer lab to Rick Roll on startup.  It might not annoy the students, but it will bug the shit out of the faculty.

9.  Head to the the budding nutritionists classes with a fat bag of Doritos and a two liter of Mountain Dew. 

10.   Walk onto campus carrying a bloody knife, some rope, and a large trash bag.  See if you can get someone to give you directions to the nursing education center.

Okay…maybe that last is going too far.  But, isn’t that what we do around here?  Wait.  Who’s we?  This is me, baby!  This is what I do!  Annoy, pester, whine, and pule until you slink away, fairly disgusted that you even know me in the first place. 

Whoa…sorry.  Had a college flashback there for a second.

I...uh...Sorry. I was going to say something, and I can't seem to form words.

Oddly enough, there is a common denominator between these two.  And, it’s Sarah Michelle Gellar.  More on that in a bit.  These two lovely people are very good in the demonstration of acting arts, (or some other configuration of an awkward sentence) and very easy on the eyes.  More about Hot Nerd Crushes Linda Cardellini and Nicholas Brendon after the jump.

Okay, I understand that Linda Cardellini has done plenty of quality work, but where she gets my nerd-sense tingling is as Velma Dinkley in Scooby Doo (costarring Sarah Michelle Gellar, DUH!).  Yes, I understand that it’s not the greatest movie.  You’re right.  But, she’s awesome in it!  Also…I mean, just look at that picture of her above!  My lord!   She’s just so damn pretty!  And, it’s high time that I found out more about her work.  I’m sorry I haven’t yet, but for now, I’m just going to go look up some more Velma pictures.  (Yes, I know…Freak and Geeks, Brokeback Mountain…blah, blah, blah.  I’ll watch them later, I promise!)

Nicholas Brendon, proving that candles CAN be manly!

Happily, there’s more that I can list for Nicholas Brendon.   Of course, he played Xander Harris on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (costarring Sarah Michelle Gellar, DUH!) for seven years.  I could say that and leave it there, but luckily, there’s more!   He played Seth Richman, pastry chef extraordinaire in the highly underrated Kitchen Confidential.  If you’re mad about Fox’s treatment of certain shows, it’s treatment of that one should have you livid!  And, a personal favorite of mine, and yours, if you could find it, was Psycho Beach Party.  A wonderfully funny throwback to the surf movies of the 50s and 60s.  As Starcat (not Moon Doggy…and don’t you forget it!) he got to lay hands on Amy Adams, making me, and a lot of other frustrated nerds fairly jealous.  Plus, I’ve got to have love for a guy who was checking out my girlfriend at Dragon Con one year!  Yay!  My attraction is validated by celebrities!

Oh God! Make it STOP!!!

I shouldn’t be doing this.  I’m letting you all peek under tha armor a little too much this time.  Then again, anyone who has read this site much probably knows all about how to annoy the living hell out of me.  Here’s a list concerning the things you might not have seen yet.

1.  Divorce me.  Come on!  All the cool kids are doing it!

2.  Turns the pages in a book I own too roughly.  The future librarian in me is just waiting to hit you with a ruler.

3.  Insist that animation is not a viable form of entertainment for an adult.  What are you?  A child?

4.  Ask me to explain Firefly to you.  I just don’t think I can answer that question anymore.

5.  Improperly load a Pez dispenser.  Is ManWithPez gonna have to choke a bitch?

6.  Insist that Americans are lazy, oafish, obese, stupid, loud assholes.  Of course we are!  We rule this fucking planet.  How would you be?

7.  Make the following statement:  “I just don’t watch TV.”  Shut your lying ass up!  This is only a viable thing to say if you don’t own a television.  Otherwise, you’re just preening for the masses.  Let me know how the new Dancing with the Stars turns out, okay?

8.  Be a child that I didn’t father.  I’m sorry…I know it’s horrible, but that’s just the way it is.

9.  Stand me up.  Ladies, I’m looking at you.  Not anyone in particular.  All of you!

10.  Be Tobey Maguire.  He just irks me.

There.  That’s how you can annoy me.  Imagine it.

It’s pretty easy if you try.

My Grandaddy with my Mother. That's why he's my Grandaddy, you know.

This seems like kind of a no brainer given that Father’s Day is coming and Chuck Norris and my Grandaddy are damn near the same age.  I would worry about whether or not I’m going to offend my Grandaddy, but it’s not like he ever comes to this site.  That would require him to be home from whatever exotic island he and my grandmother are seemingly always visiting.  There is one very solid difference between these two men.  I’m not frightened of Chuck Norris, and my Grandaddy scares the living shit out of me!  Find out why after the jump!

1.  A bull once kicked my Grandaddy.  His response?  To barehanded rip its horn off.  True story.

2.  My Grandaddy hasn’t grown a beard as long as I’ve known him.  Why?  He once did in his youth, and impressed a peer so much that he was never without a beard again.  That man: Chuck Norris.  Grandaddy thought he looked goofy and felt so bad about it, that he never grew a beard again.

3.  My Grandaddy’s nickname?  “Red”.  You’d think it had something to do with his hair color, but the truth is, he was so filled with rage in his youth that Red was the only color he could see.

4.  My Grandaddy works out everyday.  As he lifts boulders and cows over his head, he laughs every time he sees ones of those Chuck Norris Total Gym commercials.

5.  My Grandaddy doesn’t cut down Christmas trees.  He punches them down.  They spontaneously decorate themselves on the ground.

6.  You know that fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris?  Well, Bruce and my Grandaddy once fought, and THAT fight was half as long and ended with Bruce Lee crying.

7.  My Grandaddy has a bench grinder.  I thought it was for grinding, but it turns out that he uses it to scratch his back.  Like a MAN!

8.  Chuck Norris might have played a Texas Ranger, but my Grandaddy is a volunteer fireman.  No shit.

9.  My Grandaddy used to raise cattle for slaughter.  He didn’t send the cows to the slaughterhouse.  He took care of that business with his bare hands.  Because he was bored.

10.  Chuck Norris let Average Joes compete in the Dodgeball final.  My Grandaddy used to come to my baseball games.  I’m sticking with Grandaddy.  Whether or not you do is up to you, but I warn you.  He’s huge!

Hell, I'd crash my mother's wedding to get with her!

Here’s a short Hot Nerd Crush to help you through your Monday.   One is married to one of the most annoying people on the planet, and the other is Isla Fisher!  No, I’m kidding.  Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria Shriver isn’t annoying.  But, we can’t judge hotness based on one’s significant other.  Look at Isla, who’s married to Sasha Baron Cohen, the man responsible for Borat!  That would rob most of the ugly nerds out there of hope that they could find that one hot person out there that isn’t actually lying when they say that they find intelligence sexy.  Bah!  Anyways, let’s get started.  Isla Fisher and Arnold Schwarzenegger after the jump.

I first recall seeing Isla Fisher as a blonde in the first Scooby Doo live action movie (along with future Hot Nerd Crush Linda Cardellini.)  Perhaps I just didn’t think much of the movie, because I simply didn’t remember her in the movie.   She turned up again as a hot, insane redhead in Wedding Crashers.  Much more memorable this time, because her comedic timing was showcased, as well as a body double.  (Damn body doubles!)  Her turn in Definitely, Maybe  was also standout, though the idea of this diminuitive redhead being some kind of alternative rebel is a little laughable.  But, what do I know, I’m a fat nerd.

Look at your man. Look at me. I'm on a horse.

And, being a fat nerd, I would definitely draw the ire of long standing tough man, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The former Mr. Olympia and current governor of California has shown that he’s more than either the son of a nazi or the owner of a funny accent.  He’s a stickler for fitness, damn it!  Beyond that, of course, he’s been in some of the better science fiction films ever.  Starting with The Terminator.  Of course, you had to buy a gigantic Austrian body builder who could barely speak english as a killer robot.  Later, he starred in one of my favorites, Predator.  Not his most quotable film (that’d be a toss up of Commando/Kindergarten Cop), but certainly one of the better ones.  Simply because he let’s loose with his idea of a primal scream to get the intergalactic hunter’s attention.  Makes an excellent ringtone.  Especially in church.  And, my personal favorite of Arnold’s sci-fi movies would have to be the memory hiding actioner Total Recall.  Arnold’s ripped body is probably the best reason to “git yo ass ta Mahs.”

Oh...if only I had a nickel for every nickel I've had...

I’ve gotten a lot of visitors here at ManWithPez, and, I’ve been happy to see most of them!  No, I’m kidding.  I’ve been happy to see all of them!  To give a little something back, I’ve decided to host our very first contest here!  If you want to know what’s going down, come back after the jump!  Beware, however…I’m quite cheap and broke.  The prizes won’t be much to look at, but you’ll have all the pride of knowing that you’ve added to my financial downfall!

So, let’s get to the rules.  Look up.  Do you see a picture of me dancing in the header of this website?  If you look down to the right of me (though it’s not quite clear), there’s a television.  With every new visit to this site (or refresh, or visit to a different page), a new picture comes up.  It cycles through four different pictures at the moment.  So, now we come to the meat of it.  I want new pictures, and I want some audience participation around here.  Here’s a quick listing of the rules.  We’ll get to the prizes in just a second.

1.  Send me four pictures to take the place of the four I have running on the television in my header right now. 

2.  These pictures do not have to be related in any way, nor do they have to fall in any certain category (I’d prefer you not send me porn, but I have to say that as my future in-laws visit this site from time to time.)  Also…don’t just send me four pictures of yourself.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we don’t quite have the entire ear of the internet over here.

3.  One person can only send ONE entry.  That’s four pictures per entry, but one entry.  Got it?  Gooooood.

4.  Entries that do NOT have four pictures will be ignored.  Sorry about that, but we’re not mixing and matching here.

5.  These  can be your own pictures, or pictures you find around the internet, but we retain the right to alter them as we see fit.

6.  Please send me the actual picture files!  Not descriptions of the pictures or where I can find them.  Entries that do so will be ignored. 

There.  There’s some nice easy rules for you to play under.  The contest starts today, the 9th of June 2010, and will end on the 26th of June, 2010.  The winner will be announced on June 30th, 2010, and the winning entry will be displayed beginning July 1st, 2010.  We retain the right to remove the new pictures whenever we see fit, or whenever I lose interest, whichever happens first.  What?  It’s my website, damn it!  Now, on to the fun stuff…some prizes!  Some horrible, horrible prizes.

First prize:  Obviously, your choice of pictures will be displayed on ManWithPez.com for the foreseeable future.  Beyond that, you will recieve a certificate, a Pez dispenser of my choice, and…a shiny nickel!  There!  Don’t say I never gave you nothin’!

Second prize:  While your pictures will not be displayed, you will recieve a certificate and a Pez dispenser.  Again, of my choice.  It’s not like I’m handing out the crystal ones over here.

Third prize:  You, my third prize winning friend, will win a Pez dispenser of my choice.  Congratulations.  Your family will be very proud. (Also, it should go without saying, but your pictures will not be displayed.  My legal team is telling me that I HAVE to say that!  Damn legalese!)

OH! I guess I should tell you where to end your entries as well, huh?  Very well.  You may send your entries to Pezempire@yahoo.com .   Please use the word “CONTEST” in your subject line, and I’ll be most appreciative that I don’t have to track your entries down!  After the contest deadline, I’ll take a couple of days to judge the entries, and then I’ll get back to the winners so that we can find a way to send their winnings to them.  Do NOT send that information in your entry.  We’ll cover that later.  After the contest, I’ll announce the winner, and ridicule the loser…sorry, non-winners.  No, I’m kidding.  I’ll just send you harassing emails until I’ve wrung all entertainment value out of you.  Good luck to you, and hunt down the images you want to see on this site! (Except the image of me…I’m staying.)

Aww..how cute, and utterly annoying.

Okay, maybe finding new ways to annoy iconic comic book characters wasn’t the best way I could have spent my time, but damn it, I’m a nerd, and that’s just how I roll.  Now that my Superhero time is done, let’s get back to the basics of simply annoying our fellow man (or woman…it’s suprisingly easy to annoy women)!  I’m a big fan of annoying people.  Mostly people they annoy the hell out of me beforehand!  Anyways, let’s get to it.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump.

1.  Empty someone’s sunblock bottle, and replace it with a mixture of vegetable oil and horseradish.  Sunburn and spicy goodness is a winning combination.

2.  When your server brings you a mint with your check at a restaurant, refuse to pay it if the mint is not “wafer thin“.

3.  The next time you’re at church, see if you can exchange a hymn for a hardcore rap song, ala Bart Simpson and his replacement of a hymn with Iron Butterfly’s “Innagaddadavida“.  Replacing cursewords with holy words IS acceptable in this case.

4.  Dress like a witch/wizard from Harry Potter and run around with a stick placing spells on people.  For no reason whatsoever.  Bonus points for doing this in full robes in the blazing sun.

5.  Buy a watermelon and some M-80s and head to the Gallagher show.  Show him how to REALLY deal with a melon.

6.  Head to the local bar and do a shot for every celebrity that’s bitten the dust this year.  If you should happen to throw up, curse the name of John Forsythe as much as possible.  (Not because he’s bad, but because you were stupid enough to try this, and he did die this year.)

7.  Dress like a typical opera performer, with the metal breastplate and horned helmet and head out grocery shopping.  If someone asks you if your an opera singer, say “No.” and walk away.

8.  Fake pictures of yourself on the Grassy Knoll.  Hang them in your house.

9.  See if you can reenact the movie “Duel” with the local ice cream man.  In case you’re wondering, your the killer truck in this scenario.

10.  Head to see your biggest local baseball team play.  When someone hits a homerun, jump up and yell “TOUCHDOWN”!  Then try to explain to the people around you that you were making a joke.  Explain this for the rest of the game.

Damn Clint! Save some of that Beefcake for the rest of us!

You know what?  It feels good to get back to listing actual people for the Hot Nerd Crush again.  And, today, we’re going to look at a couple of more mature actors.  Mostly cause they’re still really hot.  Besides that, they both have distinguished acting careers.  And, they’ve actually appeared together in the same movie.  More on that later, however.  Let’s take a look at the combined hotness of Clint Eastwood and Patricia Clarkson after the jump!

Clint Eastwood, I’m proud to say, is one of my idols.  First off, he built an entire career on being a hardass.  After he got done being a hardass, he decided to show people that where his real talent was.  He’s a brilliant director that is as home directing small features as he is directing huge action scenes.   When you think of an archetypical cowboy, who do you think of?  Okay, besides John Wayne.  That’s right, Clint Fuckin’ Eastwood, that’s who!  From an uncountable number of spaghetti westerns directed by Sergio Leone, people thought they had an idea who Clint Eastwood was.  Turns out, along with the hardass cowboy in him, there was also a hardass cop in there too!  And his name is “Dirty” Harry Callahan!  After five Dirty Harry movies (No shit…there’s five of them!), he moved on to play roughneck bareknuckle fighter Philo Beddoe in Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can.  Ah, as Kevin Smith pointed out, the concept of a man and his monkey never gets old.  After that, we got to take a look at Eastwood’s hardass Marine character Gunnery Sgt Thomas Hiway in Heartbreak Ridge.  Okay, it’s not that great a movie, but when you get done seeing it, you will come away thinking that Clint Eastwood plays the best Marine in HISTORY!   He starred in and directed Unforgiven, an antiviolence western that somehow ends up being violent as hell!  To me, though, his best recent accomplishment was his part in directing and starring in Gran Torino, an absolutely amazing film.  I won’t even start to describe it.  Just go see it, trust me, and you’ll see how an 80 year old man ended up as this week’s Hot Nerd Crush!

Back off, the rest of you! She's waving at me and me ONLY!!!

Patricia Clarkson.  I don’t even have to say anything else.  Just Patricia Clarkson.  If you want to see what I’m talking about watch the SNL Digital Short Motherlover.  Beyond that, however, she’s just a hot looking lady, and one hell of an actress.   As for that film I mentioned that she was in with Clint Eastwood?  Oh, that’d be the last Dirty Harry movie, The Dead Pool.  (And, might I say, one hell of a step up from normal Clint Eastwood muse Sondra Locke.  Not being mean…I’m just saying.)  It just seems anymore, that if you need a hot older lady in your movie, the go to’s have changed.  It used to be Susan Sarandon or Goldie Hawn.  Now, we go with Patricia Clarkson, and you know…I can handle that.  I thought she brought some much needed pathos and a feminine touch to The Green Mile.  It’s that hair, that body, and that smoky voice.  There’s just something about her that screams sex!  Or rather, SEX!!!  Anways, she’s my pick for Hot Nerd Crush this week, and I stand by it.  She can get mad and leave if she wants, but that means I get to watch her walk away.  Rowr.  Hee hee.

Why, Dick! You are quite the little badass, aren't you?!

We’re drawing to a close in our last week of Superhero and Supervillain love here at ManWithPez.  For one last hurrah, let’s take a look at some videos that I’ve liked for sometime, and two of them are fan made.  For the most part, I’ve never liked fan films, but when it comes to comics, people just like to let their natural geek flag fly.  The results, as I’m sure you’ll see, are filled with equal parts love and awesomeness.  The third one…well, that’s just a little something for me.  Mostly because I really, really love The Flash.  Streaming Internet Theater occurs after the jump!

I first saw this clip at Dragon Con, on their excellent Dragon Con TV.  If you ever get to go to that Con…and you should, make certain that you tune in on your motel TV and check out some of the cooler things they have to show you.  Here’s a look at fan film Fast Times at Hero High (Personally, I love Lex Luthor in this!):

Coming up next, another favorite of mine, and another short that I caught at Dragon Con.  Admittedly, as a friend pointed out to me, the movie that this trailer would be showing you would be roughly 10 hours long.  But those would be the most awesome 10 hours you ever spent in your life!  I present Grayson, one of the best fan films ever made!  And, if you get the chance, swing by Youtube and check out the making of commentary by the maker of the film, John Fiorella.

And, last but by no means least, here’s a glimpse of a Flash video game that never finished production.  As you can see, it would have been a pretty badass game.  I’m guessing that the problem with finishing the game (besides not being able to find a distributor) is that The Flash really doesn’t have any bad guys that are worth a shit (Besides Gorilla Grodd…and he’s a MONKEY!) Here’s a look at The Flash video game that never was.