Absolutely BADASS!!!

After writing the first Postmodern Metahuman post about the Mythbusters, I needed to contrive a superteam to go against them.  Seeing as how I could equate most of the Mythbusters with supervillains, I’ve decided to turn the Iron Chef America team into superheroes.  I mean, someone’s got to take on the menace that is Mythbusters!  Anyways, let’s take a look at superheroes I came up with for one of my favorite shows Iron Chef America!

Smarter than me.

Smarter than me, too.

As we didn’t cover narrator Robert in Postmodern Mythbusters (and I stand by that…he’s just a disembodied voice, who’s replaced by someone else for European and Australian versions of the show), but we will put their narrator against Iron Chef America’s Master of Ceremonies, Alton Brown!  Alton Brown is a supergenius, but has very little effect over the show.  Much like my choice for him, Professor X (Charles Xavier)!  He’s a highly effective leader…that is, until someone shoves his wheelchair over or some crap.  Alton Brown has an encyclopedic knowledge of food, and he never, ever becomes flustered in his play by play of the foody goings-on, that is, until one of the chefs whips out an ingredient or a variant on an ingredient that Alton’s never heard of.   Then he starts stuttering and saying “TO ME, MY IRON CHEFS!”  Okay, he doesn’t do that, but he might as well.  Alton Brown, like Professor X is all powerful in his chosen medium until he gets even the smallest injury (mostly to his pride).  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Goofy and somehow frightening.

Frightening, and somehow goofy.

Now, to the meat of it (HA!).  The Chairman of Iron Chef America is played by stuntman and decent actor Mark Dacascos.  He can be seen flipping around Kitchen Stadium like a madman, overpronouncing ingredients (which is odd, because his native tongue is English, and he speaks several languages fluently), stalking about during the competition, giving his tacet approval to the cooking going on.  But, you can see in his stance that he’s a dangerous animal.  For that reason, I’ve chosen for him The Karate Kid (Val Amorr).  Now, just so you know, NO this has no connection to Ralph Macchio (as awesome as that would be).  Karate Kid is one of the futuristic group of do-gooders known as The Legion of Superheroes!  And, he’s so good at hand to hand combat that he can devastate much larger, more powerful opponents (read:  Batman).  Let one of the opponent chefs get really, really out of line, and I bet The Chairman would settle their hash with lightning speed.  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Scary!

Scary!

One of my favorite chefs on Iron Chef America is one of the holdovers from the original Iron Chef Japan, Masaharu Morimoto.  Not only is his food beautiful, but he has the winningest record on the show.  His knives fly about as if independent of his will!  You know someone else who does the same thing?  Marvel superhero and occasional bad guy Silver Samurai (Kenuichio Harada).  Sure, he’s set up as a foil for Wolverine, but he certainly knows what he’s doing, and he’s more than a little intimidating.  Just like Morimoto (Well, not the Wolverine part).  Plus, he can channel energy into his sword!  I don’t know how anyone ever chooses to go against Morimoto, he’s such a badass on that show.  And, if you can manage to scare Wolverine, then you’re taking a step in the right direction.  Morimoto and a sushi knife vs. Wolverine?  Hell yeah!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Oh my...

Oh my...

Iron Chef Cat Cora is awesome!  First off…that’s a hell of a handle she’s got.  Second off, you can’t deny that she’s both hot, and completely competent in what she does.  That fact that she’s a lesbian has nothing to do with any of that…but it still adds a kind of mystique to the proceedings.  You know who else plays with the ladies, is hot, has a cool name, and knows what she’s doing in her chosen profession?  Well, that’d be cat burglar and sometimes Spider-Man love interest Black Cat (Felicia Hardy)!  Think about it, Cat Cora in that black vinyl and white fur collared costume, that grappling hook whipping around Kitchen Stadium, grabbing what she needed to cook?!  She wouldn’t even need any sous chefs!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

That's a big, strong, guy.

That's a big, Strong Guy!

Mario Batali isn’t necessarily the most talented chef on Iron Chef America, but I’ll tell you this:  He’s certainly the most entertaining to watch.  He turns what he’s doing into an talent laced SHOW, and he’s magnificent to watch.  Being huge and Italian, I decided to pair him with Guido Carosella aka Strong Guy from X-Factor.  While he was never the best at what he did, Guido was always funny and usually trying to impress those around him.  What would you do with the ability to change your mass at will?  I know what I would do, and it has a lot to do with trying to be funny.  Plus, imagine Mario with those goggles on and a giant flame rising from one of his skillets!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Dork.

DORK!

And now, on to the last.  You want to know why so many people challenge Bobby Flay?  It’s because whenever they take him on, they know exactly what he’s going to do.  Grill something, and spray jalapeno oil all over everything.  With his red hair and freckles (and the fact that he’s my least favorite chef on the show) it seems like he’d be a cinch to pair with Jimmy Olsen.  Now, I can hear your hackles rising.  “Jimmy Olsen is no superhero!”  Ordinarily, that’d be true.  Recently, however, it was revealed that Jimmy Olsen was Darkseid’s hiding place for the anit-life equation.  Whenever he was in mortal peril, his body would change into whatever it would have to to save him.  I can’t imagine anything better to pair with Bobby Flay, who seems to win occasionally by the skin of his teeth (unless Jeffrey Steingarten is judging him…then you KNOW he’s going to lose!)  Jimmy tried to parley this new ability into a superhero career as Mr. Action…the lamest superhero in history.  Jimmy Olsen spraying pepper oil all over everything in a lame attempt to win?  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

And, there you have it!  My choosings for superheros from Iron Chef America!  Now, I just have to have them throwdown (HA!) with the Mythbusters supervillain gang.  I tell you, at this moment, I have no idea how it would play out myself.  I’ll write it up as soon as I can, but I have to tell you that I find the idea of building more Postmodern superhero/supervillan teams to be quite awesome.  Making them fight would just mean that I had to get rid of some of them.  So, be on the lookout for more of the same in the future.  And, who know…perhaps I’ll have a huge battle royale with reader input someday!  Until then, however, keep watching the skies, and Excelsior!

Look at them...with their science and their beady eyes. Villainous, I tells ya!

You don’t have to look around here very long to understand that I’m a huge Mythbusters fan.  Indeed, besides my little love note to Malcolm McDowell, the two next highest attention gathering articles I’ve written here have been Chuck Norris vs Grant Imahara and some rules for a Mythbusters drinking game.  This being self declared Superhero month, however, I’ve decided that today, I’m going to inject some of my favorite comics characters into one of my favorite shows.  I ran into a problem however.  Find out what it was after the jump.

People who work with machines and science rarely become superheroes in the comics.  That’s just the sad truth.  I’m not saying it doesn’t happen (The Atom, The Flash, The Hulk, etc) And, the Mythbusters…well, a couple of them at least, look like they are all one industrial accident away from trying to kidnap the mayor of Gotham City.  So, that’s what I went with here.  Next week, look for a group of superheroes to be put together, in just this fashion, to take on this supervillain team in a metabrawl!  I’m not even going to hint about what shows I’m pulling them from either.  So, let’s get started, shall we.  In credit order from the show:

Am I bluuuuuuuuuue.....

I think I saw this guy in a Charmin commercial once.

1.  Adam Savage/The Creeper – What’s that you say?  The Creeper is a good guy?  True…but he hasn’t always been that way.  He’s batshit crazy (heh), and his origin has been played around with so much that you don’t quite know what you’re seeing when he shows up.  Just like Adam Savage!  I’m partial to the DC Animated Universe’s origin of him myself.  A TV reporter gets knocked into a vat of chemicals not unlike the accident that created The Joker, goes insane and begins to pester the world.  His superpowers seem to include surviving things that would kill most people, bouncing off the walls like a madman, and annoying the absolute shit out of the people around him.  Yeah…I think I’ve made a pretty good match here.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

BEST. MUGSHOT...EVER!

BEST. BACKSCRATCHER...EVER!

2.  Jamie Hyneman/Doctor Octopus – Just imagine it.  Jamie Hyneman building a super strong rig of multiple arms, crashing his way through the night to fight a superhero…moustache twitching in anticipation!   The usually reserved, coldly calculating Doc Ock has always been one of my favorite supervillains, and I think he fits Jamie to a tee.  I can see Jamie going insane while remaining stoic, building a completely unweildly rig of arms to accomplish things he cannot, but making it work.  Making it practical.  And, of course, he’d be the only one of the group strong enough to carry the damn things around.  I can see Jamie picking up Adam with his multiple metal arms and hurling him into the closest wall (Not at M5, of course, because he doesn’t want to clean THAT up!) while saying “Jamie want big boom!”.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

You think it's a toy? It's actually an automatic bank robber.

Yeah...that's Grant. You can tell from the maniacal pose.

3.  Grant Imahara/Toyman – Conventional wisdom would say for me to choose Robot Master from Spider-Man for Grant, but I just can’t pick an ancient, humorless man for him.  I’m going with Toyman, especially the version from Superman:  The Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited.  Sure, he’s on the creepy side, but look at some of the things he does!  He beats the crap out of Killer Frost (a woman with super ice powers…not unlike my grandmother’s deep freeze she keeps in the garage)with a yo-yo of all things!  He menaces Lois Lane and Superman with a giant robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex (Oh yeah…that’s Grant all over!), and he takes out 6 Parademons in JLU’s last episode with a Nerf Gun!  Unlike Grant, he’s creepy, but like Grant, he’s oddly dangerous in an almost childlike way.  And, he likes his toys!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Clearly up to no good. I can appreciate it, man.

Hey! That's not what a shocker looks like! What's that? Ohhhhh.

4.  Tory Belleci/The Shocker – Yeah, I had a hard time with this, so I went with one of my favorite Spider-Man bad guys with the most suggestive name I could think of:  The Shocker!  Sure, in these later years, he’s kinda been turned into a joke, but earlier on, whenever Spider-Man came up against him, he was always careful.  Why?  Well, unlike most of Spider-Man’s villains, The Shocker would learn from his mistakes, and reconfigure his equipment for the next round.  Look at it this way…have you seen Tory try to ramp a bike over a wagon anymore?  No!  Plus, Tory seems to always be getting shocked on Mythbusters, through his own design or not.  I say, one more hit with the stun gun for Mr. Belleci, and you have a rage-filled supervillain on your hands!  Plus…I can totally see Tory hitting someone with a bolt of electricity and then throwing up the hand signal for…THE SHOCKER!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Before you know it, she's stolen your wallet. And your heart.

The face of evil looks goooooood!

5.  Kari Byron/Harley Quinn – Sure, I wanted to go with a supervillain with red hair, but really, what do you got?  Poison Ivy?  Giganta?  They don’t really fit the Kari Byron bill.  Plus, Kari’s love of big guns has been made pretty clear on Mythbusters, so, why not a gun weilding psychopath for the part?  Why not Harley Quinn?!  I can hear you thinking (I can, you know…so be careful) that Harley is nothing more than The Joker’s girl Friday.  Not so, I say.  She’s formidable enough that Batman gives her a wide berth when he can.  That’s a big enough endorsement for me.  Also, Harley beat the stuffing out of Catwoman in Hush (the single best Batman story of all time…take THAT Dark Knight Returns!) so she’s dangerous enough for the part.  Plus, how good would Kari look in that harlequin getup?  Sorry to have gone there, but, it’s true!  I can just imagine that on the show, they give her a gun big enough to drive her crazy (in the best possible way, of course), and then she puts on the costume (made herself, of course), and begins menacing heavily populated areas!  Look out, San Francisco!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Now, clearly, I’ve taken some liberties here, but just wait until you get the whole picture.  Next week, we’ll meet the superteam that hopes to take down this hive of scum and villainy!  (To the Mythbusters…I don’t think you’re scum or villains…well, not most of you, but I was just trying to write something funny!  Don’t sue me, or then we’ll be introduced to the worst villains ever.  Lawyers.)

See you next week!

Following the exploits of Tory Bellici, Kari Byron, Jamie Hyneman, Grant Imahara, and Adam Savage while drunk may seem daunting, but you can do it!We’re going to lay it out like this.  The more common the occurence, the less amount of alcohol you have to drink.  Three categories, ranging from one drink, half your drink, and the whole damn thing based on the rarity of the phenomena.  Got that?  Good…let’s get started!

Take one drink if any of the following happens:

Grant builds a robot.

Adam refers to Jamie’s age or that he thinks Jamie came from outer space.

Tory gets hurt.

Adam gets hurt.

Kari paints something.

Adam paints something unnecessarily.

Something you’ve seen on Mythbusters before is reexplained.  Most likely candidates include ballistics mediums, mold casting, or Buster, the crash test dummy.

There’s a flashback due to a revisit, or reusing a rig used previously.

There’s a flashback of someone getting hurt.

A remote control rig fails to perform as expected.

A vehicle is in the episode with the term “Myth” as part of its name.  (Mythtanic, Mythbus, etc.)

There’s a shot of Adam Savage’s filthy, filthy hands. (I’ve met Adam Savage, and luckily he doesn’t always look like that.)

The Build Team is forced to act like an experiment has yielded the most amazing results ever, when it actually hasn’t. (Case in point:  Bamboo Ultralight from the MacGyver Special)

The Build Team has the obviously cooler myth to bust.

Completely useless (but fun) highspeed footage is used. (Example…Adam getting slapped in the face.)

Take a drink EVERY TIME an explosion is replayed throughout an episode.

Okay…you still conscious?  Oh, good.  Well, let’s move onto the next level.  These things don’t occur as much, but enough to warrant taking extra imbibation.  Ready?  Drink half your drink if the following occurs:

Jamie giggles.

Adam speaks in an annoying accent.  (Addendum.  Drink your entire drink if you cringed, muted the TV, or fast forwarded through said accent.)

Any time the Mythbusters seperate intros are changed. 

Anytime Kari says “WOOOOOO!” like she’s at a bar.

Adam gets giggling drunk.

If a montage showing different injuries to Buster is shown.

Anytime anyone refers to something as “Buster” when it clearly isn’t the crash test dummy we all know and love.

If Kari is injured in some fashion offscreen.  Pregnancy counts as an injury in this case.

Adam abuses “Buster”, a Simul-Aid, or a ballistics dummy.  Drink 3/4 of your drink if it’s a casting of Grant Imahara.

Grant adds a human component to one of his robots. (In Dynamite Surfing, the paddlebot had his head…along those lines.)

Narrator Robert mispronounces something.

Adam rides the Segway.

Should the small scale experiment results fail…and they do the big build anyways.

Jessica appears in the episode.

Adam blows something up and calls it “science”.

Tory gets hurt AND IT’S NOT HIS FAULT.

Grant or Adam throws up.

If you’re still with us (and I doubt you are) drink your entire drink if the following occurs:

Jamie allows someone to touch his moustache.

Adam juggles something.

Grant gets hurt.

Tory paints…anything.

One of Grant’s robots does NOT act in the fashion it was supposed to. (The Turkey Drop rig destroying the plaster hands is an excellent example)

Jamie uses something in his shop for the purpose it was intended.

Kari looks like crap (Relax…it never happens.)

Scottie Chapman makes one of her surprise appearances.

Jamie gets hurt.  (This happens rarely, but when it does…it’s usually horrific!)

Adam curses at Jamie, or Jamie calls Adam a Big Baby.

Tory says something covertly passive agressive to Grant or Kari. (Watch Snow Plow of Death, and you might end up on the floor.  EVERYONE was pissed during that one.)

Footage of Grant acting frustrated or nervous with one of his rigs.

Jamie gets excited…ABOUT ANYTHING!

The experiment result is bafflingly counterintuitive (Mice and Elephants is an awesome example.)

Kari or Grant gets drunk.

Jamie gets drunk and ACTS LIKE IT!

If you gasped when they revealed in the Hangover Myths episode just how much it took to get Tory drunk.  (Drink your whole drink, you pansy!  Then get another one and drink it on principle!)

I think we’ll stop there for now.  I’ll add more as I think of them.  Like I said, I wouldn’t try to accomplish this all in one sitting, unless your aim is to bust the myth that throwing up is cool.  (Result:  It’s not.)  I think the show is fun enough on it’s own, but alcohol makes everything funner!  Seriously!  Anyone who tells you differently is lying to you.  And, no, I won’t be hiding this fact from my children.  So, tank up, turn on the TV, and hope you pass out before you spew.  Good luck!

I never wanted to be a photographer so bad in my life!

We’re going to do a short one (piece, not woman) and I decided to go with not only a Hot Nerd Crush, but a hot nerd in her own right.  I can only list one thing in Ms. Byron’s credit list, but it’s a huge, huge thing.  When you’re not only a co-host on Mythbusters, but a member of the build team, you’ll always have a place over on ManWithPez.  Hell, Grant Imahara already took on Chuck Norris over here, so let’s have a look at Kari after the jump.

Mythbusters.  I shouldn’t really have to say anything else, but that one of the build team is a hot redhead who’s a big goofball?  Be still my heart!  She makes Mythbusters the only show on Discovery channel that I wish had nudity!  And, no, it’s not because I want to see Jamie Hyneman butt ass nekkid, either.  At least not in any other way but the way of morbid curiosity.  Kari builds things, she tests them, and occasionally, she’ll get drunk with her coworkers, her recent pregnancy notwithstanding. 

A hot dork with a gun. I'm uncertain how to feel about this image.

She got my attention from the start, as she did most male fans of the show when her perfect posterior was used as a model for the “Airplane Toliet Suction” myth.  Beyond that, her quirky sense of humor, girl next door good looks (if you live next door to the hotness factory, of course), and her ability to build badass machinery and gadgets all make her a viable candidate for Hot Nerd Crush. 

What gives her the edge over someone else who would’ve taken the slot this week?  I’ve actually touched her, and unfortunately, I went all fanboy in front of her in the streets of Atlanta, GA.  That’s right.  I’m walking around outside Dragon Con one year, and who crosses our path but the Mythbusters build team.  All of them.  What does my stupid nerd ass do?  I start dancing about in place and proclaiming that I love them.  Yep.  Completely lost my shit.  Later in the autograph line, I was able to hang onto myself…but barely.  She’s that hot. 

Oh, come on! You knew this picture was going to be in here somewhere!

So, here’s a Hot Nerd Crush that I’ve actually shaken hands with.  Pity there aren’t more of them. (She also got a kick out of ThatCostumeGirl’s ability to make Grant Imahara blush by referring to him as a pin-up.)  Oh, and Tory Belleci fans?  His day is coming.  All of the Mythbusters will be recognized on my dork site, don’t you worry.

If you apologize and don't make eye contact, he might not use that sword.

By now, you’re familiar with the concept.  Chuck Norris is great, yes, but he’s a little much for some of the nerds out there.  Ironic, considering it was internet nerds that fueled the foofaraw from the start.  So, let’s pit Chuck (like we have previously) against someone a little more our speed, and hopefully, wit will take might in the end.  With that in mind, here’s a list inspired by Mythbusters build-team member (and forever crush of ThatCostumeGirl), Grant Imahara.

1.  While Grant Imahara would never sink so low as to engage in a fistfight with Chuck Norris, in the time it took you to read this sentence, he’s already built a robot to do it for him.

2.  Grant Imahara, PHd in robotics by the age of three.  With a minor in kicking ass!

3.  That bike accident on Mythbusters where Tory Bellici fell on his face?  Engineered by Grant long before he was even cast on the show.  That’s foresight, my friends.

4.  Grant and Chuck Norris have actually fought before.  They were allowed weapons.  Chuck brought his legs, martial arts ability,  and his beard.  Grant brought the “HWACHAAAA!!!”  Pieces of Chuck Norris were found for miles around afterward.

5.  Beyond Thunderdome was actually a dramatization of a spat between Adam Savage and Grant Imahara.  Two men entered, and one man left.   That is, after Grant showed Adam just how “Savage” he really was.

6.  Grant Imahara totally made Isaac Asimov his personal bitch.

7.  The real reason that Jamie Hyneman is bald?  Stress and worry over the very possibility of having to fight the much younger Grant’s robot on Battlebots.

8.  The true reason that Chuck Norris is afraid of Grant Imahara?  That giant sword-swinging machine they built on Mythbusters wasn’t built to swing at superhuman speeds.  It simply matches Grant’s actual speed.

9.  Grant Imahara worked on R2-D2 for the Star Wars franchise.  He’s built several working robots in a short amount of time to aid in Mythbusting.  Chuck Norris has a beard.  You make the call.

10.  As you’re reading this right now, Grant Imahara has started a horrible Rube Goldberg device via remote control that will blow up Chuck Norris’s house next year.  You heard it here first.

And, there’s ten reasons why Chuck Norris would (probably) lose in a fight with Grant Imahara.  I’m sorry…I meant Mr. Imahara.  I don’t know that I want to be on that man’s radar.  I mean, he whips up robots like he does…makes me wonder if he has ACTUAL radar!