The truth's the truth. You can await my young adult series "Go Fuck Yourself" being published any day now.

Okay, it’s been pretty obvious that I can’t stand the cultural phenomenon that has become Twilight.  However, I never knew I would draw as much ire over it as I have.  Twilight sucks, and really, that’s all there is to it.  It’s fans though, are another matter altogether.  Having been immersed in science fiction/fantasy/horror fandom for years and I’ve been around Star Wars fanatics, Trekkies, Browncoats, Whedonites, etc, etc, etc…and I’ve never seen anything to match the hatefulness and spitefulness of these Twihards.  So, let’s get started poking the hornet’s nest one more time!

1.  Walk up to someone wearing a Team Jacob shirt and ask ‘What’s it like to have to hots for someone who probably has fleas?”

2.  If you ever happen to see Edward Cullen out and about, ask him if he’s tired from mentally abusing his underage girlfriend.  It must be hard work, after all.

3.  Slap Bella across the face.  I don’t have anything to add to that.  That bitch needs a good slappin’.  Then again, she’d probably fall in love with you for it.

4.  If you meet someone who has named their children after someone from this series…kill them.  Their children are better off as orphans after their parents have clearly tried to stunt their emotional growth in such a way.

5.  Ask Edward Cullen if he feels ashamed for not being able to pull off hair product like Angel without looking totally gay.

6.  See if you can boil water on a collection of the Twilight werewolves, because they’re so hot (temperature wise).  When you fail to do so, tell them all to put on a fucking shirt already.

7.  See if you can menace one of the Cullen with a pair of plastic vampire fangs.  When you accomplish this (and you will), say “See!  It’s not that hard to be a scary vampire!”

8.  Just mention that you don’t like Twilight.  When whatever twi-fan is hanging around you starts on their normal bullshit, say “It’s not because I didn’t give it a chance.  It just sucks.”  Leave while they’re trying to convince you.

9.  Go to see Eclipse.  Turn to the person next to you and loudly say “So, where’s Gary Busey?  Isn’t he in this movie?  Doesn’t he have a silver bullet?”  Then go home and take a shower to wash your sins away.  Even if you went to see it as a joke, you’ve still seen it.

10.  The next positive review from some lame ass Twihard about Eclipse you hear, grab the front of their shirt and scream in their face “IT’S A SHITTY MOVIE BASED ON A FUCKING TERRIBLE BOOK SERIES!  IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD!!!  EVER!!!” 

Personally, if I hadn’t had trouble with friends, old acquaintances, family, etc, giving me shit for disliking this terrible thing, I wouldn’t have written this.  It is a simple fact that I will never, ever like this.  I gave it a chance, and came away thoroughly disappointed.  So, please, save it.  I don’t care what you have to say about Twilight.  In my opinion, it’s fucking terrible, and will always be that way.  End of story.

My Grandaddy with my Mother. That's why he's my Grandaddy, you know.

This seems like kind of a no brainer given that Father’s Day is coming and Chuck Norris and my Grandaddy are damn near the same age.  I would worry about whether or not I’m going to offend my Grandaddy, but it’s not like he ever comes to this site.  That would require him to be home from whatever exotic island he and my grandmother are seemingly always visiting.  There is one very solid difference between these two men.  I’m not frightened of Chuck Norris, and my Grandaddy scares the living shit out of me!  Find out why after the jump!

1.  A bull once kicked my Grandaddy.  His response?  To barehanded rip its horn off.  True story.

2.  My Grandaddy hasn’t grown a beard as long as I’ve known him.  Why?  He once did in his youth, and impressed a peer so much that he was never without a beard again.  That man: Chuck Norris.  Grandaddy thought he looked goofy and felt so bad about it, that he never grew a beard again.

3.  My Grandaddy’s nickname?  “Red”.  You’d think it had something to do with his hair color, but the truth is, he was so filled with rage in his youth that Red was the only color he could see.

4.  My Grandaddy works out everyday.  As he lifts boulders and cows over his head, he laughs every time he sees ones of those Chuck Norris Total Gym commercials.

5.  My Grandaddy doesn’t cut down Christmas trees.  He punches them down.  They spontaneously decorate themselves on the ground.

6.  You know that fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris?  Well, Bruce and my Grandaddy once fought, and THAT fight was half as long and ended with Bruce Lee crying.

7.  My Grandaddy has a bench grinder.  I thought it was for grinding, but it turns out that he uses it to scratch his back.  Like a MAN!

8.  Chuck Norris might have played a Texas Ranger, but my Grandaddy is a volunteer fireman.  No shit.

9.  My Grandaddy used to raise cattle for slaughter.  He didn’t send the cows to the slaughterhouse.  He took care of that business with his bare hands.  Because he was bored.

10.  Chuck Norris let Average Joes compete in the Dodgeball final.  My Grandaddy used to come to my baseball games.  I’m sticking with Grandaddy.  Whether or not you do is up to you, but I warn you.  He’s huge!

Aww..how cute, and utterly annoying.

Okay, maybe finding new ways to annoy iconic comic book characters wasn’t the best way I could have spent my time, but damn it, I’m a nerd, and that’s just how I roll.  Now that my Superhero time is done, let’s get back to the basics of simply annoying our fellow man (or woman…it’s suprisingly easy to annoy women)!  I’m a big fan of annoying people.  Mostly people they annoy the hell out of me beforehand!  Anyways, let’s get to it.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump.

1.  Empty someone’s sunblock bottle, and replace it with a mixture of vegetable oil and horseradish.  Sunburn and spicy goodness is a winning combination.

2.  When your server brings you a mint with your check at a restaurant, refuse to pay it if the mint is not “wafer thin“.

3.  The next time you’re at church, see if you can exchange a hymn for a hardcore rap song, ala Bart Simpson and his replacement of a hymn with Iron Butterfly’s “Innagaddadavida“.  Replacing cursewords with holy words IS acceptable in this case.

4.  Dress like a witch/wizard from Harry Potter and run around with a stick placing spells on people.  For no reason whatsoever.  Bonus points for doing this in full robes in the blazing sun.

5.  Buy a watermelon and some M-80s and head to the Gallagher show.  Show him how to REALLY deal with a melon.

6.  Head to the local bar and do a shot for every celebrity that’s bitten the dust this year.  If you should happen to throw up, curse the name of John Forsythe as much as possible.  (Not because he’s bad, but because you were stupid enough to try this, and he did die this year.)

7.  Dress like a typical opera performer, with the metal breastplate and horned helmet and head out grocery shopping.  If someone asks you if your an opera singer, say “No.” and walk away.

8.  Fake pictures of yourself on the Grassy Knoll.  Hang them in your house.

9.  See if you can reenact the movie “Duel” with the local ice cream man.  In case you’re wondering, your the killer truck in this scenario.

10.  Head to see your biggest local baseball team play.  When someone hits a homerun, jump up and yell “TOUCHDOWN”!  Then try to explain to the people around you that you were making a joke.  Explain this for the rest of the game.

Strip by Scott Kurtz. Pretending That Kurtz Isn't An Asshole by ManWithPez.

Face it!  Bruce Wayne has it coming, and not just the Goddamn Batman version of him, either!  He’s just so damn smug and confident in himself and his intellect, and you just want to slap the everlovin’ shit out of him.  Maybe that’s just me, though.  Batman…he’s awful hard to fool, but I’ve noticed something about the character.  In his race to prove to the world that’s he a big hardass, he’s revealed that he’s very, very easily annoyed.  So, come with me, and let’s discuss different ways to annoy Batman, after the jump.

1.  Replace the pointy bat ears on Batman’s mask with fuzzy white rabbit ears.  See how long it takes him to figure it out.

2.  Tell the Joker that Batman is really Alfred Pennyworth.  You know…close to the mark, but not quite a bullseye.  Stick around to see Batman’s reaction to having the Joker in stately Wayne Manor.

3.  The next time you see Batman with Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, BatWoman, Huntress, Catwoman, or any number of other Batfamily, ask him if there’s just too much crime for him to handle on his own.

4.  Ask Bruce what he’s going to do for Mother/Father’s Day. 

5.  Feed Ace, The Bathound a pound of laxative and set him loose in the Batcave.

6.  Ask Batman if the Batmobile is so big because he’s compensating for something besides the death of his parents.

7.  Tell Robin wit in earshot of Batman that it’s okay to reveal if Batman has engaged in a Bat-Touch in a bad way.

8.  Secretly (Good luck!) glue Batman’s cape to his BatBoots.  See how far he can run THEN!

9.  Give the Goddamn Batman (or any Frank Miller version of Batman, really) a cookie and a glass of milk and tell him it’s going to be okay.  You might want to run.  That particular Batman isn’t picky about killing people.

10.  Create a storyline where Bruce’s mom was a crack whore, Bruce’s father was a drug dealer, and Alfred was really Bruce’s father, with Bruce being conceived during a gangbang.  Oh wait…scratch that…it’s been done. (You might want to avoid the last two years of Batman comics, by the way.)

Look at them...with their science and their beady eyes. Villainous, I tells ya!

You don’t have to look around here very long to understand that I’m a huge Mythbusters fan.  Indeed, besides my little love note to Malcolm McDowell, the two next highest attention gathering articles I’ve written here have been Chuck Norris vs Grant Imahara and some rules for a Mythbusters drinking game.  This being self declared Superhero month, however, I’ve decided that today, I’m going to inject some of my favorite comics characters into one of my favorite shows.  I ran into a problem however.  Find out what it was after the jump.

People who work with machines and science rarely become superheroes in the comics.  That’s just the sad truth.  I’m not saying it doesn’t happen (The Atom, The Flash, The Hulk, etc) And, the Mythbusters…well, a couple of them at least, look like they are all one industrial accident away from trying to kidnap the mayor of Gotham City.  So, that’s what I went with here.  Next week, look for a group of superheroes to be put together, in just this fashion, to take on this supervillain team in a metabrawl!  I’m not even going to hint about what shows I’m pulling them from either.  So, let’s get started, shall we.  In credit order from the show:

Am I bluuuuuuuuuue.....

I think I saw this guy in a Charmin commercial once.

1.  Adam Savage/The Creeper – What’s that you say?  The Creeper is a good guy?  True…but he hasn’t always been that way.  He’s batshit crazy (heh), and his origin has been played around with so much that you don’t quite know what you’re seeing when he shows up.  Just like Adam Savage!  I’m partial to the DC Animated Universe’s origin of him myself.  A TV reporter gets knocked into a vat of chemicals not unlike the accident that created The Joker, goes insane and begins to pester the world.  His superpowers seem to include surviving things that would kill most people, bouncing off the walls like a madman, and annoying the absolute shit out of the people around him.  Yeah…I think I’ve made a pretty good match here.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

BEST. MUGSHOT...EVER!

BEST. BACKSCRATCHER...EVER!

2.  Jamie Hyneman/Doctor Octopus – Just imagine it.  Jamie Hyneman building a super strong rig of multiple arms, crashing his way through the night to fight a superhero…moustache twitching in anticipation!   The usually reserved, coldly calculating Doc Ock has always been one of my favorite supervillains, and I think he fits Jamie to a tee.  I can see Jamie going insane while remaining stoic, building a completely unweildly rig of arms to accomplish things he cannot, but making it work.  Making it practical.  And, of course, he’d be the only one of the group strong enough to carry the damn things around.  I can see Jamie picking up Adam with his multiple metal arms and hurling him into the closest wall (Not at M5, of course, because he doesn’t want to clean THAT up!) while saying “Jamie want big boom!”.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

You think it's a toy? It's actually an automatic bank robber.

Yeah...that's Grant. You can tell from the maniacal pose.

3.  Grant Imahara/Toyman – Conventional wisdom would say for me to choose Robot Master from Spider-Man for Grant, but I just can’t pick an ancient, humorless man for him.  I’m going with Toyman, especially the version from Superman:  The Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited.  Sure, he’s on the creepy side, but look at some of the things he does!  He beats the crap out of Killer Frost (a woman with super ice powers…not unlike my grandmother’s deep freeze she keeps in the garage)with a yo-yo of all things!  He menaces Lois Lane and Superman with a giant robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex (Oh yeah…that’s Grant all over!), and he takes out 6 Parademons in JLU’s last episode with a Nerf Gun!  Unlike Grant, he’s creepy, but like Grant, he’s oddly dangerous in an almost childlike way.  And, he likes his toys!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Clearly up to no good. I can appreciate it, man.

Hey! That's not what a shocker looks like! What's that? Ohhhhh.

4.  Tory Belleci/The Shocker – Yeah, I had a hard time with this, so I went with one of my favorite Spider-Man bad guys with the most suggestive name I could think of:  The Shocker!  Sure, in these later years, he’s kinda been turned into a joke, but earlier on, whenever Spider-Man came up against him, he was always careful.  Why?  Well, unlike most of Spider-Man’s villains, The Shocker would learn from his mistakes, and reconfigure his equipment for the next round.  Look at it this way…have you seen Tory try to ramp a bike over a wagon anymore?  No!  Plus, Tory seems to always be getting shocked on Mythbusters, through his own design or not.  I say, one more hit with the stun gun for Mr. Belleci, and you have a rage-filled supervillain on your hands!  Plus…I can totally see Tory hitting someone with a bolt of electricity and then throwing up the hand signal for…THE SHOCKER!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Before you know it, she's stolen your wallet. And your heart.

The face of evil looks goooooood!

5.  Kari Byron/Harley Quinn – Sure, I wanted to go with a supervillain with red hair, but really, what do you got?  Poison Ivy?  Giganta?  They don’t really fit the Kari Byron bill.  Plus, Kari’s love of big guns has been made pretty clear on Mythbusters, so, why not a gun weilding psychopath for the part?  Why not Harley Quinn?!  I can hear you thinking (I can, you know…so be careful) that Harley is nothing more than The Joker’s girl Friday.  Not so, I say.  She’s formidable enough that Batman gives her a wide berth when he can.  That’s a big enough endorsement for me.  Also, Harley beat the stuffing out of Catwoman in Hush (the single best Batman story of all time…take THAT Dark Knight Returns!) so she’s dangerous enough for the part.  Plus, how good would Kari look in that harlequin getup?  Sorry to have gone there, but, it’s true!  I can just imagine that on the show, they give her a gun big enough to drive her crazy (in the best possible way, of course), and then she puts on the costume (made herself, of course), and begins menacing heavily populated areas!  Look out, San Francisco!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Now, clearly, I’ve taken some liberties here, but just wait until you get the whole picture.  Next week, we’ll meet the superteam that hopes to take down this hive of scum and villainy!  (To the Mythbusters…I don’t think you’re scum or villains…well, not most of you, but I was just trying to write something funny!  Don’t sue me, or then we’ll be introduced to the worst villains ever.  Lawyers.)

See you next week!

Not what I had in mind. At all.

The superhero has got to have the right kicks for the right job.  Granted, some of them…well, they just don’t.  Lady superheroes…I’m looking at you here.  Now, I’m not trying to get anyone up in arms here.  These are the costumes that I like, and I stand by them.  There’s only one non-comic one on the list.  There may be a couple missing that you think should be on here, and, that’s okay.  No problem.  It wouldn’t be a ManWithPez list if it didn’t piss off at least one person.  Some of these are pretty specific to certain books, and I’ll list as is comes up.  Some of my favorite costumes for superheroes after the jump.

That man...that Spider-Man means business. He's also friendly.

1.  Spider-Man – He’s my favorite superhero, and, to me there is no more iconic costume than Spider-Man’s.  You see the man in this costume, and you know what he’s all about up front.  (Well, maybe not wrestling, as that’s what the clothes were made for).  Peter Parker has complained that his costume doesn’t offer a whole lot of protection, from beatdowns or the elements.  At least he’s not wearing his Stark designed red and gold anymore.  That was a hot mess, I thought.  Before he left Spider-Man, writer J. Michael Stracynisky and artist John Romita Jr. posited that the Spider-Man of the future would have a different costume.  We even saw an early design of it after issue #500, where it was introduced.  Frankly, I just kinda hope things don’t go down that path, because I love Spider-Man’s look (Take THAT Venom!).

Hmmm...I wonder who this is? Oh...his name's on his shirt.

2.  Superman – I’m not the biggest Superman fan around.  You can ask anyone.  Okay, don’t do that, because they don’t know me, and you just don’t know what might come out of their mouth on the subject.  Again, this is one of the more iconic looks in all of popular fiction, and it’s a well designed costume, with Kal-El’s Kryptonian name right on the front of his shirt…you know…like a janitor would have.  Frankly, the red underpants on the outside probably need a rethinking, but, I’m not above wearing such things myself, so, why wouldn’t the alien with a heart of gold wear the same thing.  I had to include it here, because everyone, EVERYONE knows this costume.  Even people who’ve never heard of Superman.  It’s just that well known.

Sometimes, I'm not sure Spider-Man made the right choice in girlfriends.

3.  Black Cat – Switching back to Spider-Man for a moment, I’ve got to give it up to Felicia Hardy and her sexy, though oddly practical cat burgling costume.  Yeah, I don’t know what the white fur on it is about either, but I know she looks hot in it.  Beyond that, however, she looks like she’d boot your ass for you, too.  And, probably make you feel good about yourself as she did so.  It’s a nice costume with clean lines that’s just impractical enough that you know this particular character would wear it.  So, I’m going with Black Cat over Catwoman in the better costume department.  Just have Kevin Smith leave the character alone, and we’ll all be happy about it.

Vvvvvrrrrooooooommmm!!!!

4.  The Flash – My third favorite hero ever is in touch with the Speed Force, and has outrun a laser beam at one point.  And, in this connotation, I’m talking Wally West’s Flash.  There are differences in his and Barry Allen’s Flash costumes, but, they are subtle.  At first glance, with it’s gold ear pieces and odd chest insignia, it seems like it would be the goofiest thing to wear in a fight.  But, with blur lines and lightning flowing all about from the Speed Force, this costume becomes a force to be reckoned with.  As does the person wearing it.  And…it folds up into a compartment no bigger than a class ring.  Which bears the question…when someone in touch with the Speed Force changes in such a fashion…are they just hanging it out there naked for a microsecond?  Enquiring minds want to know.  Okay, I want to know…and I’m not all that enquiring.

An elegant superhero for a more civilized age.

5.  Mr. Incredible (Old costume) – I’m not talking about the red/black/yellow costume the whole family ends up with in the film.  I’m talking about the kitschy, 60s, art deco looking thing that he tools around in the beginning of the movie in.  Of course, once he wears it while overweight, it looks ridiculous, but what superhero costume couldn’t you say that about.  I really like the colors on his old suit, with the black and the blue.  The mask is a bit much, but, hey…you’ve got to protect that secret identity somehow.  Then again, Bob Parr is HUGE!  How could anyone not know it was him in that getup?  Except maybe Clark Kent.

Would be more badass if my girlfriend would finish making hers.

6.  Wonder Girl (Armor from Wonder Girl mini) – While I’m not always the biggest fan of the character (she’s kinda batshit…literally!  Take that as you will) I’ve always liked her normal costume.  The oddly practical jeans and tanktop look.  In her miniseries that came out a few years ago, though, Cassie Sandsmark was given a badass set of armor that complimented her without taking away from the Wonder Family she’s categorically a part of.  I would love for that costume to become Wonder Girl’s go to costume, but, to date, the only thing she’s changed since getting it is adding long sleeves to her everyday jeans look.  Still, a man can dream, can’t he.  Wait…I didn’t mean he could dream about a teenage girl in armor…Oh bother.

He's so punk, he's got a metal mohawk!

7.  The Rocketeer – This harkens back to why I liked the Mr. Incredible super suit so much.  Cliff Secor’s getup, however, is much more practical.  Leather jacket…that somehow keeps his ass from lighting up with a giant rocket mounted on his back, and that goofy looking, though again, practical helmet that looks like a hood ornament.  The giant fin on the helmet is meant to be a rudder, so he turns in whatever direction his head is turned in.  For all that, though, I just like the way the thing looks.  It’s a beautiful costume that instantly takes you back in time when you see it. 

Ohhhhh shit!

8.  Green Lantern (Kingdom Come) – Alan Stewart, the oldest of the surviving Green Lanterns, is given quite the upgrade in his look in the ultimate Elseworld tale that tells one possible future of the DC universe (since written off as occurring on an alternate earth).  His armor might look bulky, but he certainly knows how to use it, and I like the idea of a Green Lantern in a knight in armor look.  He even fashions a sword or lance or whatever the hell that thing was he had with him all the time.  I’m unaware of the specifics of how his ring works in Kingdom Come, but typically, this GL’s ring was magic based.  I’m sure there’s an explanation for all this in Kingdom Come which I haven’t read in years, but if you really want to know, ask @cootsdaddy , an old friend, comics afficionado, and forever champion of the Green Lantern.

That posture CAN'T be comfortable.

9.  Nightwing – Oh, we’re in the shit, now, ain’t we?  How on earth could I include an ex-Robin on this list, and not Batman?  Well, I’ll get to that in a moment.  With it’s nice clean lines and given the fact that he can glide with it, it’s a nice change from his Robin days.  However, that’s not to say that Dick Grayson didn’t run into trouble with the original Nightwing suit.  The goddamn thing had FEATHERS on it for chrissake?!  Dick is an acrobat and a fighter, and I like the look of this costume.  It suits him, it seems to scare criminals in Bludhaven, and it does call to mind Dick’s history with the Batfamily, no matter if he wants to own up to that legacy or not. 

That's right Booster. Flex it out...for the ladies. Awwww yeah.

10.  Booster Gold – I absolutely adore the hell out of Booster Gold’s goofy costume!  And, if you’re a reader of his comic book, you find out in issue 3, after Booster’s gotten a little drunk, that he once had a cape, and that asshole Superman just ripped it off him!  For all that, however, I like the colorscheme, and I like the incorporation of the goggles and the star.  It’s just the kind of thing you’d expect someone who used to have corporate sponsorship to wear.  Along with using his costume to advertise, it also protects him.  Not his sense of propiety, of course, but him, himself.  Now, he’s THE GREATEST HERO NO ONE’S HEARD OF!  That goes counter to the character as introduced, but it’s a nice look on him, just like his costume.

So, there’s a couple of things to think about, huh?  Why isn’t Batman on this list?  I’ll tell you.  Everytime I see Batman, all I can think is that his costume must weigh 900lbs, what with all the shit he stores in it.  In a fight, I’ll take Bruce Wayne over almost anyone on this list, but that batcostume has to be the most impractical thing in history.  There are several other superheros out there whose costumes I enjoy seeing.  For instance, Vigilante, Black Canary, Wolverine, Iron Man, Superboy, and Robin, just to name a few.  But, I chose ten, and ten I’m sticking with.  Besides, you can always write a story from another time and call is 1602, or Elseworlds, or M2 and make whatever changes to the costume that you want.  It’s worked wonders over the years.  Anyways…see you around!

Truer words, my friends. This is how awful shit really gets started.

I can’t really understand most supervillains in comics.  I mean, apparently over in Gotham City, all it takes is losing your job to drive most people over the edge into killing people left and right for no reason other than they’re just pissed off.  So, I imagine that you have to tread lightly around them.  You never know when minor annoyance is going to lead to “Off with his head!”  or some other horrible consequence of being annoying.   I, for one, like that I’m alive, and want to keep my body parts functioning.  Then again, these are all fake people, so screw em!  I mean, who are you really going to piss off by talking shit about comic book supervillains?  What’s that?  Oh…anyone who’d ever come to this site on their own.  Gotcha.  How to annoy supervillains after the jump.

1.  Wait for Dr. Doom to get pissed, and he’ll say his trademark “Bah!” .  When he does, jump in and ask him if he’s a sheep.

2.  Ask Doomsday to spell “Doomsday”.

3.  Ask the Green Goblin why he flies around on the Goblin Glider if it makes him succeptible to defeat by clothesline.

4.  Tell Darkseid that you’ve found the Anti-Life Equation (Watch clip to the end to get my meaning).  When he asks for it, say “Psyche!” and run away.  Very, very quickly.

5.  Tell Omega Red that the tentacles coming out his arms are the most phallic thing he could use to commit crime besides using his actual penis.

6.  Send Maxwell Lord a neckbrace and tell him it’s a gift from Paradise Island.

7.  Tell Magneto that his goofy looking helmet makes him look like a big, red dick.  Emphasize the word “dick” in case he’s uncertain of your message.

8.  See if you can get The Joker to grow up and get a real job.

9.  Ask Galactus if he’s been putting on weight recently.  That ought to slow down his planet eating…for a little while at least.

10.  Whenever you see Lex Luthor exiting the bathroom, ask him if he washed his hands.

Bad pets? Maybe. Bad Photoshop? Definitely.

Let’s get it out in the open.  I don’t own any animals.  No cats, no dogs, and no escargot.  I find the children I have to be enough animals in the house, thanks.  For all that, however, (and my cat hate has been thoroughly documented on this site.) whenever I did have any pets, I went out of my way to make sure their existence was as stress free as it could be.  It is insanely easy to annoy your pets, however, and since I’ve made it my mission in life to annoy to the utmost, here’s a handy guide on how to piss off your pets.  Bear in mind, however, that your typical fur people have sharp teeth and claws.  Another reason I don’t keep them in the house.  Ten New Ways to Annoy Your Pets after the jump.

1.  Babytalk to your pets at all times.  That’s not excitement on their faces…they just can’t wait to be away from you.

2.  Spank your Sea Monkeys.  For no reason whatsoever.

3.  Treat your cat in a very condescending manner.  See how they like it for a change.

4.  You know that “acting like you’re thowing a ball, but not throwing it” trick that most people pull on their dogs?  Don’t ever do it.  Until you’re pretty sure your dog is about to drop dead from old age.  Then try it once, just to see what happens.

5.  Eat fishsticks in front of your aquarium.

6.  Place your mouse/gerbil/guinea pig cage in front of the TV, and pop in a copy of the V miniseries.  That ought to settle them down.

7.  Put miniature saddles on all your housepets.  Whenever someone asks about it, say it’s so they can chase down the “Gravy Train”.

8.  Teach your parrot to talk, but whenever you’re around it, talk wrong.  That way, when it opens it’s loudass mouth for no apparent reason, it will simply sound insane.

9.  Give your iguana a rowsing pep talk on how it could be the next Godzilla if it really wanted to.

10.  Train your pets in pickpocketing.  Hold a dinner party and try them out.  Eat the poorest performer as a message to the others.

What the hell are you people doing?

I just don’t get people as a whole.  It’s true.  But, today, I’m going to take a look at ten groups that I really, really don’t get.  That’s not to say that I shouldn’t be included in at least one of these groups.  I guess, when all is said and done, I don’t really understand myself, either.  I don’t doubt that something in this list will piss people off, and I’ll lose one of my six readers (Hey ex-principal Reed!), but frankly, I think pouring my brain out my help me figure a thing or two out.  Ten Groups I Just DO NOT GET after the jump.

Beer and radio. Nothing wrong there!

10.  Technology Fans Who Hate The Past – You’ve got a bright, shiny new toy, I get that.  And, I’m not talking about upgrading technology, but rather, storytelling.  More often than not, these people will say that no good movies were made before they were born, or later.  No music exists that’s worth listening to if it isn’t on the radio RIGHT NOW…not that these people listen to actual radio…That’s too old fashioned.  They don’t have a home phone land line, and if you want to reach them, the best way isn’t face to face, but through they’re cell phone.  They think a movie is bad unless it’s covered in computer generated imagery.  I think I’m making myself clear here.  I realize that saying this is going to date me, but, trust me…an old black and white movie ISN’T GOING TO KILL YOU!  Simply because something comes from the past, doesn’t make it stupid or worthless!  Try listening to a good Old Time Radio Show (Much like today’s TV, there was plenty of shit out there, so you have to find a good one.)  Turner Classic Movies is NOT your enemy.  Because you’re caught up in today’s world doesn’t mean yesterday’s has nothing to offer.  Check it out.  But, you won’t.  And, that’s why I don’t understand you.

Yeah...that makes sense.

9.  Fundamentalists – People whose beliefs run so deep as to exclude almost any other form of thought.  I don’t get you!  Are you so narrowminded as to believe that your answers are the only answers in the world?  Hmmm…I guess you are, huh?  I’m not just talking about any one belief or belief system here.  I’m talking religion, politics, sexual orientation, Elvis vs Beatles, Marvel vs DC, Coke vs Pepsi…the works.  And, I’m not talking about any one side of these issues.  Even if you’re on the side of right in an argument, you have to keep your mind open enough to understand that not everyone thinks as you do, no matter how fucking stupid they are.  Because they don’t think like you doesn’t make them wrong on subjective issues.  Everyone’s right from a certain point of view.  They’re just not easily understood by everyone else. (Edit to add:  Atheists and Agnostics, for people who don’t believe, or believe in nothing, you guys tend to be pretty vocal.  Quit stirring things up!  You’re as bad as the Bible-thumping TurboChristians!)

See...this is a good time to stop spending!

8.  People Living Beyond Their Means – What the hell are you doing?  Then again, if you could express it, I guess I would understand you.  But, seriously?  You know what you’re bringing in, and you know what can go out.  If what’s going out is more than what you’re bringing in, you need to stop putting out (heh.)  It’s simple mathematics.  I know you want a Maserati and an 8ball and a good driving hooker, but you can’t have these things unless you can afford them.  I’ve seen it over and over again, and I keep seeing it.  Look…if you’re struggling to feed your kids, you don’t get to go to Disneyworld this year, and that’s the end of the discussion. 

Yes...pin all your hopes on him, so that you can all share his failure!

7.  Angry Sport Parents – Settle down, damn it!  Can’t you watch your kids play ball without foaming at the mouth?   Personally, I love watching videos of parents losing it at children’s sports competitions.  Do these people not seem incredibly stupid to you?  They do to me!  Even if a ref or an umpire made a bad call, keep your seat, please.  There’s no need to storm the field like you’re on the set of Braveheart and try to cleave someone’s head with a Claymore!  I wonder if the people involved in such things go on YouTube to see their behavior and still think they’re justified?   Look, I’m not talking about rushing the place if your child is in danger…that’s totally understandable.  But starting a riot over a ball just outside the strike zone is overkill, and in this media age, you WILL be recorded acting like a viking at a Little League game.  See you on the news!  Oh, and lay off your damn kids, too!  If you couldn’t get a home run when you were a kid, don’t badger your kid about it!

This cat serves at the door to hell. Which is it's smelly ass litterbox.

6.  Cat Lovers – I want you to look at your “pet”.  You don’t have a pet.  You have a self important lesser demon living with you, I don’t care how affectionate the damn thing is.  I realize that there are affectionate cats out there.  I’ve seen them.  Hell, I’ve owned them.  But, nine times out of ten, that’s not the case.  Crazy cat ladies, you’re excused.  You know what you’re getting into, and that’s fine.  Knock yourself out.  Frankly, if I wanted something haughty that wouldn’t listen to me, and I only saw movement from when I fed it, I’d adopt a surly adolescent person.  And, that’s what cats remind me of.  And, the age old argument that cats are smarter than dogs holds no water with me.  Sure, cats are smart, but when do they demonstrate it?  Finding new ways to destroy your house, or new ways to harrass your other pets.  I’ll take Sea Monkeys, thanks.

Damn kid! Get off my lawn! Oh, wait...you're okay!

5.  Young People – Damn kids!  GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!  I’ve read article after article about how younger generations are smarter than the generation preceding them.  That’s great!  Let’s see them exercise it, already?!  I’m not just talking about fashion, here, okay.  I understand the fad and it’s appeal to younger people.  I wore shit when I was a kid that made my parents want to throw up.   Perhaps I’ve forgotten that as I’ve gotten older.  But, I look at these kids now, and I just do not get it.  If you want to wear a hat, put the goddamn thing on right!  The only reason a teenager needs a fucking cell phone is when they’re old enough to head out on their own!  PULL UP YOUR PANTS!   I’ll lay off music (if you can call it that), because that’s an age old argument that won’t be settled here.  It’s simply a matter of taste.  I guess all of my problems concerning younger people are just that…a matter of aging tastes.  Doesn’t mean that I understand kids any more than I’ve claimed to here, though.  And, I’ll take a swing at any one of them with my cane if they get too close to me.

Words fail me.

4.  Twilight Fans – Ah…you knew it was coming, right?   Look, I’m all for a book or set of books that gets people to read.  That’s great!  But, Goddamnit!  Look at what you’re reading?  Look at what you’re fawning over?!  You follow this girl in this passive aggressive relationship that is based solely on the principle that they’re together as long as he can fight the temptation to KILL HER!  I’ve read part of one of the books.  Then I took a shower and thoroughly washed my eyeballs.  To this day, they remain unclean…so unclean.  The books are not well written, and the movies are laughably bad, with some of the worst dialogue and acting I’ve ever seen.  So, WHY?  Why do hordes of women of varying ages cling to this so tightly?  To quote my mother, after she saw New Moon “That was complete and utter shit.”  And now, I’ve made myself nauseated even talking about it for this long.  Enjoy your crap books and films, ladies…I’ll be in the corner, not understanding you as fans. (Not as women…That’s coming later.)

Settle down, buddy. It's not that bad, I assure you.

3.   Angry People – Sure, we all get a little mad sometimes, and to be fair, I’ve not seen much of this phenomenon outside of the military.  Why are there people who, for no outside reason, are just pissed off all the fucking time?  I know I come off that way, but I’m not really angry nonstop.  Is your life so bad that you hate everyone?  That’s not been the case when I’ve encountered this.  In fact, most of the people I know who act like this have things pretty good.  They’re just…MAD!  Everyone gets mad at some time.  That’s just the way things are.  For some normal people, that can be a couple of times a day.  I’m talking about hate filled, bilious people who have only that mode going on.  Stop, angry person.  Stop yelling and trying to destroy all those around you!  Sit down.  Have a Little Debbie.  Take a deep breath, and come back to us when you’re no longer homicidal!  Okay?  More like as not, however, these people resent that you say they’re overly angry.  Fuck em, I say, and move on.  Like I’m doing here.    

Yeah. All you on the globe. I don't get you.

2.  People In General – Hey…how you doing?  Look, I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me, and I’m okay with that.  People, as a group, I just don’t understand.  I don’t think I’m made to understand them.  A person, sure, for the most part.  You can see their motivation, speak to them as to why they do what they do, what they like, who’d they screw.   But, a crowd?  The population as a whole?  I think that because I don’t understand folks may be why I wrote this piece in the first place.  Bush jr for two terms?  Paul Blart:  Mall Cop as the number one movie?  Pepsi over RC?  I don’t get it.  And, that’s the rub.  Because I don’t get them, they won’t get me.  I’ve come to terms with it long ago, and because I don’t understand almost any group, that doesn’t mean I can’t get along with you.  Except the Twilight Lovers.  Ugh.  No, I’m kidding.  You get in where you fit in.  That’s what I’m doing, and I’m a happier person for it.

I don't know what they're cheering for, but I bet it would scare me.

1.  Women – Could there have been any other group, when you started reading this, that would occupy the number one spot?   Only, this time, I’m at peace with not understanding this group.  And, it has nothing to do with feminine mystique, or intuition, or any bullshit that can be concocted to explain some of the batshit things women do.   Personally, I think women are awesome BECAUSE they’re so unpredictable.  Yes, I’m making generalizations here.  But, it seems to me that say…liking something one day, and then turning around and hating it the next is slightly unexplainable, no matter what logic you apply.  I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just saying I don’t understand it.  And, past a certain point, I don’t want to.  In a group as diverse as this, you can’t single out anyone trait to speak on, but you know where I’m coming from.  What I do find odd, is that you almost never see women saying that they don’t understand men.  They don’t understand us any better than we understand them, but they’ve got the smarts to simply not state it out loud (and I’m not talking about bullshit articles in women’s magazines).  I’m not trying to spark off a debate over which group is better.  I don’t think either has the upper hand, and that’s the way I like it.  All I’m saying is that I don’t get it.  I’ll never get it.  I’m okay with IT, whatever IT is.   

So, here’s a post describing my ignorance in massive detail.  Groups of people I don’t understand, and in some cases, I don’t want to understand.  Doesn’t make them wrong, and I can’t say I’m right, because I’ve already stated that I don’t get it.  I’m also not trying to start any fights, as I’ve already said on this site, I’m a lover, not a fighter. (Honestly, I’m not proficient at either, but I claim lover on my taxes, so that’s what I’m going with.)  And, there’s not much to get riled up over on here.  No, I don’t like cats, or Twilight, or unexplained rage, but I also don’t understand those things, and that’s all I’m saying.  So, read, relax, and then forget about it.  I already have!

Aw man! Why didn't I think of THAT one!

I imagine that if you’re dead, you’re probably pretty easy to piss off.  Add to it the pressure of having to seduce and drink blood, and you’ve got an undead powderkeg on your hands!   Since I’m not just going after any particular fandom, we’ll have several types of vampires in this week’s list.  That, and I didn’t know what else to write about, and I just needed the filler.  Enjoy!

1.  Stitch together several bags of donor blood to resemble a cross.  Hang it out for the vampires to see.  It should confuse the hell out of them.

2.  Before your next trip to Bon Temps, Louisiana, eat, bathe in, and carry tons of garlic.  As explained on the show, it doesn’t kill them, but it should royally piss them off.

3.  Threaten a vampire with a sharpened pencil.  Remark that said vampire is quite the pansy if a pencil is all it takes to kill him.

4.  If you see Edward Cullen in the sunlight, lick your thumb and try to get the glitter off his face.

5.  Make sure you have faith.  Tell Jerry Dandridge from Fright Night that you don’t have any faith.  When he gets comfortable and tries to kill you, wave a cross in his face and yell “Psyche!”

6.  Slap Dracula.  I’m certain he won’t know how to deal with it.

7.  Choke a vampire.  You know…just for the sheer fun and Hell of it.

8.  Push a vampire into a church.  I can’t be the only person who’s curious about what would happen.

9.  Wait until daylight, chain up a vampire, and bury him up to his neck.  Return to the head to have conversations with it periodically.  Make sure your vampire is at least a little bit interesting.

10.  Promise to invite a vampire into your house.  Once you get there, go inside, expose your neck, and tell the vampire to piss off.  Have fun in your house that you can never leave after sundown again.