Absolutely BADASS!!!

After writing the first Postmodern Metahuman post about the Mythbusters, I needed to contrive a superteam to go against them.  Seeing as how I could equate most of the Mythbusters with supervillains, I’ve decided to turn the Iron Chef America team into superheroes.  I mean, someone’s got to take on the menace that is Mythbusters!  Anyways, let’s take a look at superheroes I came up with for one of my favorite shows Iron Chef America!

Smarter than me.

Smarter than me, too.

As we didn’t cover narrator Robert in Postmodern Mythbusters (and I stand by that…he’s just a disembodied voice, who’s replaced by someone else for European and Australian versions of the show), but we will put their narrator against Iron Chef America’s Master of Ceremonies, Alton Brown!  Alton Brown is a supergenius, but has very little effect over the show.  Much like my choice for him, Professor X (Charles Xavier)!  He’s a highly effective leader…that is, until someone shoves his wheelchair over or some crap.  Alton Brown has an encyclopedic knowledge of food, and he never, ever becomes flustered in his play by play of the foody goings-on, that is, until one of the chefs whips out an ingredient or a variant on an ingredient that Alton’s never heard of.   Then he starts stuttering and saying “TO ME, MY IRON CHEFS!”  Okay, he doesn’t do that, but he might as well.  Alton Brown, like Professor X is all powerful in his chosen medium until he gets even the smallest injury (mostly to his pride).  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Goofy and somehow frightening.

Frightening, and somehow goofy.

Now, to the meat of it (HA!).  The Chairman of Iron Chef America is played by stuntman and decent actor Mark Dacascos.  He can be seen flipping around Kitchen Stadium like a madman, overpronouncing ingredients (which is odd, because his native tongue is English, and he speaks several languages fluently), stalking about during the competition, giving his tacet approval to the cooking going on.  But, you can see in his stance that he’s a dangerous animal.  For that reason, I’ve chosen for him The Karate Kid (Val Amorr).  Now, just so you know, NO this has no connection to Ralph Macchio (as awesome as that would be).  Karate Kid is one of the futuristic group of do-gooders known as The Legion of Superheroes!  And, he’s so good at hand to hand combat that he can devastate much larger, more powerful opponents (read:  Batman).  Let one of the opponent chefs get really, really out of line, and I bet The Chairman would settle their hash with lightning speed.  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Scary!

Scary!

One of my favorite chefs on Iron Chef America is one of the holdovers from the original Iron Chef Japan, Masaharu Morimoto.  Not only is his food beautiful, but he has the winningest record on the show.  His knives fly about as if independent of his will!  You know someone else who does the same thing?  Marvel superhero and occasional bad guy Silver Samurai (Kenuichio Harada).  Sure, he’s set up as a foil for Wolverine, but he certainly knows what he’s doing, and he’s more than a little intimidating.  Just like Morimoto (Well, not the Wolverine part).  Plus, he can channel energy into his sword!  I don’t know how anyone ever chooses to go against Morimoto, he’s such a badass on that show.  And, if you can manage to scare Wolverine, then you’re taking a step in the right direction.  Morimoto and a sushi knife vs. Wolverine?  Hell yeah!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Oh my...

Oh my...

Iron Chef Cat Cora is awesome!  First off…that’s a hell of a handle she’s got.  Second off, you can’t deny that she’s both hot, and completely competent in what she does.  That fact that she’s a lesbian has nothing to do with any of that…but it still adds a kind of mystique to the proceedings.  You know who else plays with the ladies, is hot, has a cool name, and knows what she’s doing in her chosen profession?  Well, that’d be cat burglar and sometimes Spider-Man love interest Black Cat (Felicia Hardy)!  Think about it, Cat Cora in that black vinyl and white fur collared costume, that grappling hook whipping around Kitchen Stadium, grabbing what she needed to cook?!  She wouldn’t even need any sous chefs!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

That's a big, strong, guy.

That's a big, Strong Guy!

Mario Batali isn’t necessarily the most talented chef on Iron Chef America, but I’ll tell you this:  He’s certainly the most entertaining to watch.  He turns what he’s doing into an talent laced SHOW, and he’s magnificent to watch.  Being huge and Italian, I decided to pair him with Guido Carosella aka Strong Guy from X-Factor.  While he was never the best at what he did, Guido was always funny and usually trying to impress those around him.  What would you do with the ability to change your mass at will?  I know what I would do, and it has a lot to do with trying to be funny.  Plus, imagine Mario with those goggles on and a giant flame rising from one of his skillets!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Dork.

DORK!

And now, on to the last.  You want to know why so many people challenge Bobby Flay?  It’s because whenever they take him on, they know exactly what he’s going to do.  Grill something, and spray jalapeno oil all over everything.  With his red hair and freckles (and the fact that he’s my least favorite chef on the show) it seems like he’d be a cinch to pair with Jimmy Olsen.  Now, I can hear your hackles rising.  “Jimmy Olsen is no superhero!”  Ordinarily, that’d be true.  Recently, however, it was revealed that Jimmy Olsen was Darkseid’s hiding place for the anit-life equation.  Whenever he was in mortal peril, his body would change into whatever it would have to to save him.  I can’t imagine anything better to pair with Bobby Flay, who seems to win occasionally by the skin of his teeth (unless Jeffrey Steingarten is judging him…then you KNOW he’s going to lose!)  Jimmy tried to parley this new ability into a superhero career as Mr. Action…the lamest superhero in history.  Jimmy Olsen spraying pepper oil all over everything in a lame attempt to win?  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

And, there you have it!  My choosings for superheros from Iron Chef America!  Now, I just have to have them throwdown (HA!) with the Mythbusters supervillain gang.  I tell you, at this moment, I have no idea how it would play out myself.  I’ll write it up as soon as I can, but I have to tell you that I find the idea of building more Postmodern superhero/supervillan teams to be quite awesome.  Making them fight would just mean that I had to get rid of some of them.  So, be on the lookout for more of the same in the future.  And, who know…perhaps I’ll have a huge battle royale with reader input someday!  Until then, however, keep watching the skies, and Excelsior!