My Grandaddy with my Mother. That's why he's my Grandaddy, you know.

This seems like kind of a no brainer given that Father’s Day is coming and Chuck Norris and my Grandaddy are damn near the same age.  I would worry about whether or not I’m going to offend my Grandaddy, but it’s not like he ever comes to this site.  That would require him to be home from whatever exotic island he and my grandmother are seemingly always visiting.  There is one very solid difference between these two men.  I’m not frightened of Chuck Norris, and my Grandaddy scares the living shit out of me!  Find out why after the jump!

1.  A bull once kicked my Grandaddy.  His response?  To barehanded rip its horn off.  True story.

2.  My Grandaddy hasn’t grown a beard as long as I’ve known him.  Why?  He once did in his youth, and impressed a peer so much that he was never without a beard again.  That man: Chuck Norris.  Grandaddy thought he looked goofy and felt so bad about it, that he never grew a beard again.

3.  My Grandaddy’s nickname?  “Red”.  You’d think it had something to do with his hair color, but the truth is, he was so filled with rage in his youth that Red was the only color he could see.

4.  My Grandaddy works out everyday.  As he lifts boulders and cows over his head, he laughs every time he sees ones of those Chuck Norris Total Gym commercials.

5.  My Grandaddy doesn’t cut down Christmas trees.  He punches them down.  They spontaneously decorate themselves on the ground.

6.  You know that fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris?  Well, Bruce and my Grandaddy once fought, and THAT fight was half as long and ended with Bruce Lee crying.

7.  My Grandaddy has a bench grinder.  I thought it was for grinding, but it turns out that he uses it to scratch his back.  Like a MAN!

8.  Chuck Norris might have played a Texas Ranger, but my Grandaddy is a volunteer fireman.  No shit.

9.  My Grandaddy used to raise cattle for slaughter.  He didn’t send the cows to the slaughterhouse.  He took care of that business with his bare hands.  Because he was bored.

10.  Chuck Norris let Average Joes compete in the Dodgeball final.  My Grandaddy used to come to my baseball games.  I’m sticking with Grandaddy.  Whether or not you do is up to you, but I warn you.  He’s huge!

Superman just before he delivers a global slap to Norris.

First thing, I haven’t written a “vs Chuck Norris” piece in FOREVER!  Second, I know that the comic book stuff was supposed to end at the end of May.  Well, besides just being a lazy git, I’ve experienced some minor technical difficulties, and ManWithPez has suffered for that reason.  Well, I had some pieces that, like THE MUSIC, I just had to get out of me.  This one:  Superman vs Chuck Norris is one that I’ve had on my mind for some time, and I just need you assholes…sorry…you people to read it!  So, for your perusal, Superman, the original American (though…alien, you know) Boyscout, vs Chuck Norris…the original Texas Ranger.  Let’s see it play out, after the jump!

1.  Look!  Up in the sky!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  Oh dear…it’s the floating corpse of Chuck Norris after Superman knocked his dumb ass into orbit.

2.  It’s Smallville, Kansas vs Texas in a Battle Royale for the ages!  It’s…it’s….Oh shit.  It’s over already.  See you in Hell, Chuck Norris.

3.  Chuck Norris tried to punch Superman with the fist hidden under his beard.  You know what that led to?  Broken beard-first knuckles.

4.  Superman has teamed up with Batman several times to stop the end of the world, amongst other thing.  Chuck Norris teamed up with Sammo Hung a couple times.  Probably to accost a buffet or some shit.

5.  Chuck Norris came at Superman with a hunk of Kryptonite, so Superman countered with Chuck Norris’s greatest weakness:  Low ratings.

6.  Sidekicks!  Well, let’s take a look, shall we?  Superman has Superboy, Krypto, Supergirl, etc, etc.  Chuck Norris has suicidal Jonathan Brandis.   Winner:  SUPERMAN!

7.  Chuck Norris is best known for his roundhouse kick.  Superman is known for his flying ’round the world to change time.  I think Superman might have this one in the bag.

8.  Superman’s greatest nemesis is supergenius Lex Luthor.  Chuck Norris’s greatest nemesis is old age.  Sorry to hear you’ve turned 70, you old bastard!

9.   Superman is the reason that Chuck Norris went Missing in Action in the first place.

10.  The only person that Lois Lane might consider boning besides Superman is Batman.  Let’s just say that Chuck Norris is NO Batman.

Yeeeeah…I kinda apologize for number 6, but not that much because I was forced to watch the utter shitfest that was Sidekicks!

The only job that Chuck's past career has prepared him for.

The constant butt of jokes around here Chuck Norris reached the age of 70 last week, and there’s no reason we should stop making fun of him.  I mean, what’s he going to do?  Slap me with his walker (Texas Ranger)?  Heh. It would appear that Chuck has come up against an adversary that he can’t simply kick into submission.  So, as we all fall to the enemy that is time, let’s take a look at how Chuck will deal with this particular bad guy who isn’t a motorcycle thug or a ninja.  Chuck vs. Old Age after the jump.

1.   Wal-Mart refused to hire Chuck as a door greeter, citing that roundhouse kicks, no matter how slow at his age, do not get across the idea of savings.

2.  Chuck Norris = 70.  Chuck Norris’s beard = 89.  Something’s not right there.

3.  Walker:  Florida Ranger just doesn’t have the same ring as Texas Ranger, huh?

4.  The only use Chuck Norris has for his martial arts skills these days?  Pulverizing food into a paste so that his dentures can handle it.

5.  Chuck Norris doesn’t take Geritol!  Geritol takes Chuck Norris.

6.  Chuck Norris has secretly converted his Total Gym into a state of the art wheelchair. 

7.  One good thing I’ll say about the shape Chuck Norris is in:  He’s almost always first to the early bird buffet at Golden Corral.  None of the other seniors want to risk a boot to the face for the first yeast rolls.

8.  Chuck Norris finally had to check into a nursing home.  The reason?  It was the only place that still carried his beard medication.

9.  Chuck Norris is finally as old as the constituency that actually watches Walker:  Texas Ranger!

10.  Silent Rage was the title of a film Chuck Norris was in.  It’s also the emotion he feels about having to wear an adult diaper.

You wish you wrote this good, looked this good, was this cool!

I’m a huge nerd.  I’m fine with that.  Truly!  Anyways, when I was a child of the tender age of 8, I had a book taken from me in class.  That book was Stephen King’s Night Shift.  And really, there isn’t much a better short story collection out there.  The point is that I’m a lifelong Stephen King fan.  And, as presented on this site, Chuck Norris needs someone to fight!  So, why not my favorite author Stephen King!  Stephen King vs Chuck Norris after the jump!

1.  Demonstrating the “Shining”, Stephen King already knows all the moves that Chuck Norris will throw up.  As long as they’re fighting in a haunted hotel.

2.  Stephen King is from Maine, and he’s still awesome.  Tell me someone else who has done that!  Besides Joe Hill!

3.  Stephen King generated a writing career from the beginnings of a story thrown in the trash.  Chuck Norris gained his reputation from hitting people in the head.  I’m going with the writer.

4.  Stephen King kept people on the edge of their seats with the seven volume Dark Tower series.  Me, personally…I was once the limbo champion of Butler County Kentucky.  He’s got us all beat!

5.  Chuck Norris tried to punch Stephen King with the fist under his beard.  Stephen King unleashed the portal to Hell that he keeps under his beard.  The fight was called on account of brimstone.

6.  Per Cell, The Stand, and others, Stephen King has destroyed the world quite a few times.  And what did you do today?

7.   When once they fought, Chuck Norris attempted his roundhouse kick on Stephen King.  Stephen King hit him with the A9 Superflu.  Point to Stephen King!

8.  All paths follow The Beam.  The Beam, oddly enough, leads to the man himself, Stephen King!

9.  Turns out all of Chuck Norris’s life and career…all a short story written by Stephen King.  And, there’s not a happy ending!

10.  What level on The Tower do you hail from , stranger?  What’s that?  You don’t know?  Well, if you want to know, there’s only one place to find out.  And that’s Stephen King.  Good luck with that, by the way.

Reference for #2 down on that list. I'll say it again...DAMN!!!

Damn!  Go a week without kicking Chuck Norris’s ass, and people will notice.  So, here it is, because YOU demanded it!  You know…I just hadn’t noticed that we hadn’t had a woman fight Chuck Norris on one of these outings.  Actually, that’s not true.  A lot of thought went into picking who was going to take on Chuck’s brawn and beard this week.  I could’ve gone with any old piece of nerdbait cheesecake(mmmm…cheesecake).  But, instead, I decided to go with a badass chick that none of us can deny.  Sigourney Weaver vs Chuck Norris after the jump.

1.  Chuck Norris and his beard vs Ellen Ripley and her powerloader?  Gee…let me think. 

2.  Did you see her in Galaxy Quest?  Damn! 

3.  Sigourney Weaver played the Gatekeeper.  Who summoned Ivo Shandor.  Who summoned Gozer, The Destructor.  That’s right.  Chuck Norris would be taking on someone who could summon the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man!

4.  I saw a whole movie where she tortured Ghandi.  That’s chutzpah, my friends!

5.  Arguably, Sigourney Weaver has been in some crappy movies, but still manages to come out looking and acting great.  Chuck Norris can only make the first claim (Seriously…has he ever been in a GOOD movie?).

6.  Sigourney Weaver:  The coolest ship’s voice since Majel Barrett, period.

7.  Could you see Chuck Norris even trying to fight Katherine Parker from Working Girl?  I can’t even wrap my mind around the world of shit Chuck would be in!

8.  There are only two performances in the highest grossing movie of all time, Avatar, that are worth seeing.  Zoe Saldana’s the other one.

9.  Gorillas in the Mist.  That’s right.  Sigourney Weaver has a an army of mountain gorillas at her disposal.  Chuck Norris has the senior citizen set that are STILL huge fans of Walker:  Texas Ranger.  I’m going with gorillas in this fight.

10.  Let me ask you which sequel you’d rather see:  Avatar 2, or Ghostbusters 3?  Sigourney Weaver wins either way, so she doesn’t care!

Hello ladies...Daddy Newton's home.

Sure, it might be getting old, but I never tire of the web phenomenom surrounding Chuck Norris.  I want you all to understand that I think he’s a badass, but, he’s just too much for the average nerd.  Plus, he does look like he’s slapped around his share of dorks.  He has the appearance of a bully about him.  So, today we’ll pit him against one of the most brillian minds of all time.  No, not mine, thanks for asking.  Isaac Newton vs Chuck Norris after the jump.

1.  Isaac Newton postulated theorems on calculus, gravitation, and physics that are still followed and studied to this day, 400 years after he devised them.  To be fair, Walker:  Texas Ranger occasionally gets reruns, so the name of Chuck Norris will never be forgotten by the bedridden and unemployed who are actually home when Walker is on.

2.  An apple hit Isaac Newton on the head, causing him to actually give the force of gravity it’s name in his book Principia.  I once threw an apple through a window on accident.  I’m saying that I’m certainly no Isaac Newton.

3.  Isaac Newton actually made a cravat and a powdered wig look manly.  Let’s see Chuck Norris pull that off.

4.  French mathematician Joseph Louis-Legrange stated that Isaac Newton was “…the greatest genius who ever lived.”  Yes, I’m quoting a Frenchman.  Try not to faint.

5.  Using his three laws of motion, Isaac Newton has already calculated how to kick Chuck Norris’s ass with the least amount of effort on his part.  Ah, physics…Is there nothing you can’t do?

6.  Isaac Newton once got into a fistfight with the radioactive mutant Marie Curie.  Newton was able to win because not only did he identify gravity as a force, he was able to overcome it.  That’s right.  Isaac Newton could fly.

7.  The only man to defeat Chuck Norris on film?  That’d be Bruce Lee.  Who is actually a Chinese clone of Isaac Newton.  Seriously!

8.  Beisdes his postulations, writings, theorems, etc…Isaac Newton was such a badass the he actually invented the leather jacket, the logging chain, and the doggystyle sexual position.  All before breakfast one morning.  I personally find it unfortunate that the original name for the position:  Newtonian Style, has fallen out of usage.

9.  You’ve seen that movie Silent Rage, where Chuck Norris is forced to fight an indestructable man?  That was a dramatization of an actual meeting between Chuck Norris and Isaac Newton.

10.  Using an application of physics, Isaac Newton is able to undress a woman in 2.8 seconds.  Bra and all!

Helllllo ladies!

This one is entirely for the film nerds.  My second favorite actor of all time (Don’t ask), I think is a perfect candidate to bring some class to the proceedings:  Cary Grant.  Now, whether or not he was gay is up to debate.  Personally, I don’t think so.  I don’t care either way.  Sexual orientation is not a precursor to the beating of Chuck Norris’s ass.  Either way, Chuck’s goin’ down. (heh).  Cary Grant vs Chuck Norris after the jump!

1.  When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.  Then it needs to be superfiltered to be used again.  When Cary Grant falls out of a boat, he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Cary Grant.  And then it can be sold for $4 a bottle.

2.  In Bringing Up Baby, Cary Grant played a bumbling nerd scientist.  He still got the girl.  Cary Grant: showing nerds how to do it for 5 decades!

3.  The beating that Chuck took at the hands of Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon?  Bruce was sick that day.  That was Cary Grant wearing a Bruce Lee mask.

4.  Cary Grant invented the game of Dodgeball as a way to escape his hordes of overwrought female fans.

5.  Chuck Norris did NOT invent the move where he makes a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “Booyah.”  Cary Grant perfected that move in the thirties.  Only, all he had to say was “Judy.”

6.  Cary Grant lived with Randolph Scott for years, fostering rumor of his sexuality.  He still managed to become an international sex symbol.  For everybody!   Simply because there’s no one out there that can look at him and say “No thanks, not my type.”

7.  Cary Grant’s chin vs. Chuck Norris’s beard.  You tell me who wins that one?

8.  Cary Grant worked with some of the best directors of all time, including Hitchcock, Capra, etc.  The only person that found working with Chuck Norris acceptable was Chuck Norris.

9.  Cary Grant has a statue.  You heard me right…a statue dedicated to him in England where he was born.  Chuck Norris has an action figure from the shitty cartoon he was in.

10.  Cary Grant saved our asses in WWII more than once and made out with Grace Kelly!  Well, at least he did in the movies.  What has Chuck Norris done?  Defend a Houston Burger King from a roving motorcycle gang or some such crap on Walker:  Texas Ranger?  Points to Cary Grant!

That's who's watching me when I'm sleeping or awake? Holy shit! (Picture from Perzo at Deviantart)

Why not Jolly Old St. Nick?  I don’t know about you, but he brought me an awful lot of geek presents in my formative years, pretty much guaranteeing the nerd I would grow into.  Thanks, Santa!  Since Chuck Norris is bent on ridding the world of geeks, why not pit him against someone who seemingly creates them from childhood?  Santa Claus vs. Chuck Norris after the jump.

1.  An icon known for his lush beard?  Sorry Chuck, but Santa’s had that on lock for centuries.

2.  That bag that Santa carries around?  While most people think it’s full of presents, it’s a perfect vehicle for moving bodies of victims around without detection.

3.  Santa and Chuck Norris fought once before.  Chuck’s body was found floating in the Arctic Circle, reindeer tracks on his back and a candy cane shoved in his ass.

4.  Santa is the only one with balls big enough to fly into whatever international “No Fly” zone that he damn well feels like.

5.  Santa can fly.  Chuck Norris can not.  Death from above, Chuck!

6.  He knows when you’ve been bad or good, but Santa hands out presents to almost everybody.  Voyeur with a heart o’ gold is that fat bastard.

7.  You ever seen Santa Claus perform a roundhouse kick like Chuck Norris?  You know why?  It’s so devestating that to even see it could cause insanity and nosebleeds!

8.  Santa Claus can be many places at once.  I don’t know about you, but I know a word for that.  Kwisatz Haderach!

9.  Santa Claus gave Chuck Norris that beard for Christmas one year.  Santa giveth, and he can taketh away!  Even facial hair.  ESPECIALLY FACIAL HAIR!

10.  Last time I checked…Chuck Norris was NOT the headliner in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Point for St. Nicholas!

Contrary to popular belief, Trebek's afro alone could kick Chuck's ass!

Here’s another old one I’m wheeling out because today is ThatCostumeGirl’s birthday, and I haven’t really the time to write an all new one.  Unfortunately, this is my last get out of jail free card, and from now on, I’ll have to write them all out, which doesn’t bother me all that much.  Alex Trebek takes on Chuck Norris for the third time after the jump.

1. Because it is his native land (and God help you if you have something to say about it) Canada is considering changing its name to Trebekia.

2. Alex Trebek didn’t get a haircut to get rid of his 80s afro. His hair was scared straight by the power of his big brain.

3. Alex Trebek’s penis is so big, he only really has one leg.

4. The signaling buzzers on Jeopardy are hooked to a circuit that runs to Alex Trebek’s nipples. He likes it that way.

5. You know how Bob Barker beat up Happy Gilmore? Alex Trebek beat up Bob Barker. Take that, Happy Gilmore.

6. Chuck Norris dyes his hair red. Alex Trebek can’t dye his hair, because hair dye won’t stick to “awesome”.

7. The movie Escape From New York is based on the story of how Alex Trebek escaped from Ottawa to the US. The name of the city was changed to protect the identities of all the people he killed leaving the county. He even had an eyepatch then, too!

8. Alex Trebek’s brain works so fast, and is so big that the University of Ottawa couldn’t keep up. After two weeks, they gave him a degree and asked him to leave because he was making all the professors look like retards.

9. Everything Arthur Fonzarelli ever learned in life, he learned from Alex Trebek.

10. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a Chucktatorship. It’s a Jeopardiciary Republic. And Alex Trebek is our king.

You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like him. He's a loner. A rebel.

Yeah, I made the mistake of asking my family who I should write this column about this week.  This was my brother’s response, and so, here’s Pee-wee vs Chuck.  If I actually write and intelligible article out of this, I’ll be amazed, but even more than that…YOU should be amazed!  Anyways, you know the drill, Chuck Norris is awesome,but the nerds of the world need their champions too.  So…“Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Herman, you have a fistfight here at the front desk.”  Here’s Pee-wee Herman vs Chuck Norris.

1.  Pee-wee Herman and Chuck Norris were going to fight years ago, but the martial arts tournament they were going to do it in didn’t recognize “Bow Tie-Fu” as a legitimate martial art.  Chuck Norris was seen to sigh in relief.

2.  All the strange talking furniture and creatures on Pee-wee’s Playhouse?  All designed and built by Pee-wee himself.  They have an attack mode as well.  How’d you like to have to fight off Chairy?

3.  The Word of the Day from Pee-wee’s Playhouse is actually a CIA trigger for Pee-wee to begin the hunt for Chuck Norris.  This is the real reason Chuck doesn’t watch Saturday morning programming.

4.  If I ever get a last request before a bar full of bikers kills me, it will be to dance to “Tequila” in platform shoes.  I’m just saying.

5.  Why are these two rivals?  Chuck Norris really, really wanted a cameo in Big-Top Pee-wee.  Pee-wee said “Nope…you’re just too goofy for this movie.”  Chuck never forgave him.  Pee-wee doesn’t care.

6.  Go back and watch Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.  Now tell me, with an honest face, that you don’t want that bike.  That’s what I thought.

7.  Chuck Norris doesn’t want to fight Pee-wee Herman simply because he doesn’t want to get kicked in the face with those platform shoes from the “Tequila” number.

8.  Pee-wee Herman has killed more men than smallpox!

9.  Pee-wee Herman saved the contents of an entire pet store from burning up (Even the snakes!).  Chuck Norris just kicks people in the head.  My money’s on the animal lover.

10.  Pee-wee Herman is the only man to have survived a ride with Large Marge.  Now that’s one hell of a man right there.

 Actually, you know, that wasn’t so bad.  I may have to have Mr. Herman back on Friday Versus.  There’s ten perfectly good reasons why Pee-wee Herman would take Chuck Norris in a fight.  And remember…Tell em’ Large Marge sent ya!