Lazy bastard! Oh, wait...he's kinda like me in that regard.

We here at ManWithPez are taking a few days off for the holidays.  Mostly, this is due to technical, familial, and climatic difficulties.  However, we will be back on Jan 1st, with a few differences.  Not many, because I’m not going to come up with a whole lot of new material…but there will be a slight format change.  Not the look of the site, because, for now, I love it, and that’s the way it is.  I mean, we could use some more tits around here, but hey, I’ll take what I can get.  See you after the new year!

ManWithPez

Yes, that's my uncle and me...That's me wresting the banana from the stocking. Thanks, Grandma!

Okay, this Top Ten is going to be one of the personal kind (as if most of them aren’t?).  Over the years, I’ve received several things in my stockings, and no, I’m not referring to the fruit and nuts that my Grandmother used to put in there.  Several toys, tools, etc that I’ve personally received that actually influenced what kind of nerd I became when I got all growed up.  My own top ten favorite stocking stuffers throughout the years follows after the jump!

Perfect gift for a 6 year old. Small weapons!

10.  Pocket Knife – When a small boy, there was really one thing I wanted that was in common with the rest of the young men in my family, and that was a pocket knife.  I think I was 7 when I first received one, and it was quickly taken from me.  I suspect this was because my brother was 6 at the time, and really, that was no gift for such a little boy.  I don’t think I ever really got a pure pocket knife ever again.  By the time I was 8, I just didn’t want the damn thing anymore.  Oh well.

Take this, evil TV!!!

9.  Various Nerf Guns – This one will always be a sure win.  No one…NO ONE hates these things.  Everyone loves Nerf!  However, the advent of flat screen, somewhat more elegantly built TVs means you may need to find a better target than some of my favorite shows that I used to shoot at when I first started receiving these things.  You know how many times I “shot” Fox Mulder for getting in the way of me looking at Dana Scully?  A lot, damn it!

One of the best stocking gifts of all time!

8.  Yahtzee – This was another one of those games, like UNO, that my family handed out like it determined whether or not they got into heaven based on volume of Yahtzees given away.  My personal favorite was a handheld electronic version I got a few years ago that even went to Iraq with me.  Probably the most engaging, awesome game to have when you’re…ahem, occupied on the toilet.  Seriously.

I wish I had one in my greasy little hands right now.

7.  Merlin – After my parents divorced, my father made it his job to give his sons the most annoying, noisy gifts he could find.  I suspect that Merlin was a weapon in this regard.  I mean, I loved the thing, but it was noisy for no good reason.  Then again, the best thing it could do was play Tic Tac Toe.  The little light touch buttons have been changed out for big plastic ones with numbers on it on modern versions, making the whole rig look like some ridiculous phone.  So, I’ll stick with my old school version, thanks.

The best gift ever taken away from me. Until IT a few years later, that is.

6.  Stephen King’s Night Shift – On Christmas of my seventh year, I was presented by Santa with a copy of the Stephen King short story collection Night Shift.  I read the hell out of it.  So much so that it was taken away from me in school.  My favorite story when I was that age?  The Boogeyman.  My favorite from the collection these days?  Strawberry Spring.  (And, a small note.  If you can find the audiobook with John Glover reading, you’ve got something really entertaining!)

Fight starter fo' LIFE, Yo! Draw four, bitch!

5.  UNO – Oh sweet UNO deck.  How many fights did you start between me and my brothers?  And how many fights of those did I actually win?  I think your name says it all.  UNO!  Love the game, and this, along with various office supplies I’m certain that my mother was stealing from wherever she worked at the time was a go to gift in my stocking every year.  So much so that I can’t seem to keep from giving both as gifts every year myself.  Including office supplies.  Thanks Mom.

Worst. Electric. Shaver. EVER!

4.  Phaser – From your good friends at Think Geek, and the people who originally came up with the idea on Star Trek the Original Series comes the weapon of choice for the United Federation of Planets, the Phaser!  Frankly, if you just sit around the house with this thing, it’s not that fun.  Take it outdoors, however.  The park, the grocery store, a Star Wars film festival, and you will turn heads.  Whether or not its attention from someone you’d like it to be is entirely up to you and them.

What's that? You need something...ANYTHING repaired? Well look what I got in my pants!

3.  Leatherman – Need a multitool?  How about the first name in them.  Coming from a military maintenance background, this became a small, indispensible thing that it would seem almost everyone might need.  The good thing about them is that they come in a variety of sizes.  The bad thing about them?  They’re ugly as shit, and you WILL look strange with this thing strapped to your side in any kind of workaday life that does not include maintenance of some kind.

MINE! And MINE ONLY! Don't touch!

2.  Rubik’s Magic Puzzle – Almost every Christmas I was given what amounted to a horrible torture device.  Since my family would rather me sit and be quiet, I was given at least one Rubik’s Cube every year.  I’ll be honest with you.  I’ve never, ever solved a damn Rubik’s Cube.  Rubik’s Magic Puzzle, however, became my bitch almost instantly.  I guess there was something to flattening the damn thing out that helped me.  Still one of my favorite toys, but if you ever happen to own one, do NOT, under any circumstances let anyone else play with it.  Not only is it a bit fragile, but it can easily be manipulated in a way that makes it hard to return to normal.

No kidding...this is how women really act when you whip this out. No shit.

1.  PlayStation Portable – A few years ago, when the PSP 1000 became available, I was presented with one, and let me tell you, I’ve used the damn thing for everything!   Based on the size of the Memory Stick Duo that you put in it (the biggest I’ve seen so far is the 16GB, and you can put a LOT of shit on your PSP with 16 gig worth of space) you can put various media onto it.  Music, movies, TV shows, games, audiobooks, etc.  Making it, easily, one of the sexiest, nerdiest toys I’ve ever owned.  If you ever get one, learn to do all you can with it, and it won’t let you down in the clutch. 

So, there’s an even ten.  They’ve all made my Christmases very nice in a very materialistic way.  Frankly, I don’t think Baby Jesus minds that I recommend the PSP or a UNO deck.  Fun is fun, and there’s not one thing on this list I didn’t sit around playing with for days, months, etc after getting it.  And, really, isn’t that what Christmas all about?

May I present the Winter Gangbang of 1954!

“We’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny fuckin’ Kaye.” – Clark W. Grizzwald (Christmas Vacation).  See, as a film, White Christmas has pervaded popular culture, and at no time more, of course, than for the holiday it’s named for.  While there may be one or two Christmas films out there that you can brush off in, say, July and give a look, White Christmas is probably more suited for such a thing, but it’s not the kind of film you can simply watch over and over.  I’ll tell you why after the jump.

ThatCostumeGirl and I recently went to see this movie in a theater.  And it wasn’t a digitized copy of it either.  The audio was terrible, the print was faded, and I loved every second of it.  Well, almost every second of it.  What’s my problem?  Well, the story of White Christmas concerns our friends Wallace and Davis (Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye) and how they want to help their old retired Army General buddy (Dean Jagger) from going bankrupt because there’s no snow in Vermont and his hotel is going under.  Never mind that the old deluded bastard dreams everyday about going back in the Army.  They end up in Vermont because Davis wants to find a piece of tail for Bing Crosby.  They follow the Haynes sisters up to VT for this very reason.  Hey, I would’ve been all for getting a piece of Rosemary Clooney back in the day.  Vera Ellen wasn’t anything to sneeze at either.   To help the General, the singing duo Wallace and Davis decide to bring their show to the hotel. 

Now, for my problems with the movie.  I’ve served under a General or two.  A couple in combat, and while I was never in the danger that Crosby or Kaye were, there was no commanding officer that I’m setting up a musical for, ever.  Okay, that’s petty.  The story is cloyingly sweet.  It’s really like a huge glass of egg nog that you’ve been forced to drink before dinner.  But, I can overlook that.  My real problem with this Christmas movie is that it really isn’t a Christmas movie at all.  Beyond two numbers (Snow, and White Christmas) none of the songs have ANYTHING to do with Christmas.  Another problem…you’ve got a singing, dancing musical, right?  Then why would you hire a principle cast in which only one member can actually dance, but can’t sing, and the other three can sing, but can’t dance?  Don’t get me wrong, Danny Kaye could dance, but in his one number alone with his love interest Vera Ellen, all he really does is stay out of her way.  After that, they bring in a ringer to dance with her.  Okay, we can overlook that too, I guess.  But, what you’ve got is a giant MGM Busby Berkley musical here with what appears to be a lack of snow instead of water.  Some of the numbers, “I Love A Minstrel Show/Mandy” and “Choreography” for instance, have no purpose here.  My personal favorite song from White Christmas “Love Didn’t Do Right By Me” sang by Rosemary is a lovely song, but, in a Christmas movie?  No thanks. 

Which is why it’s one of those “Christmas” movies that you can take off the shelf whenever and give it a watch.  Look, I said I have a few problems with the movie, not that I disliked it.  I actually care a great deal about this movie, the song “Choreography” (ugh!) aside.  Really, they took an existing dance number, and just threw Vera Ellen in it, and what you get is a giant hot mess.  But, when all the soldiers are gathered at the end to sing “We’ll Follow The Old Man”, well, it does bring a tear to my eye, even if I can’t quite understand it.

So, I’m certain it’ll be on one channel or another this Christmas, but you don’t have to just watch it then.  Whip it out this summer.  It’s a sweet family movie (Rosemary’s character, however gets so bent out of shape over a misunderstanding that roughly two thirds of the movie she becomes bitchily unlikeable.)  I guess, all told, that there really is nothing wrong with remaking a movie (Holiday Inn, anyone?) around one song.  I just expect better from Irving Berlin is all.  White Christmas…OH! And, if you get the chance to see it in a theater, take it.  It really reawakened in me why I liked the movie in the first place, and that’s that you just can’t keep Danny Kaye down.