ManWithPez

The truth's the truth. You can await my young adult series "Go Fuck Yourself" being published any day now.

Okay, it’s been pretty obvious that I can’t stand the cultural phenomenon that has become Twilight.  However, I never knew I would draw as much ire over it as I have.  Twilight sucks, and really, that’s all there is to it.  It’s fans though, are another matter altogether.  Having been immersed in science fiction/fantasy/horror fandom for years and I’ve been around Star Wars fanatics, Trekkies, Browncoats, Whedonites, etc, etc, etc…and I’ve never seen anything to match the hatefulness and spitefulness of these Twihards.  So, let’s get started poking the hornet’s nest one more time!

1.  Walk up to someone wearing a Team Jacob shirt and ask ‘What’s it like to have to hots for someone who probably has fleas?”

2.  If you ever happen to see Edward Cullen out and about, ask him if he’s tired from mentally abusing his underage girlfriend.  It must be hard work, after all.

3.  Slap Bella across the face.  I don’t have anything to add to that.  That bitch needs a good slappin’.  Then again, she’d probably fall in love with you for it.

4.  If you meet someone who has named their children after someone from this series…kill them.  Their children are better off as orphans after their parents have clearly tried to stunt their emotional growth in such a way.

5.  Ask Edward Cullen if he feels ashamed for not being able to pull off hair product like Angel without looking totally gay.

6.  See if you can boil water on a collection of the Twilight werewolves, because they’re so hot (temperature wise).  When you fail to do so, tell them all to put on a fucking shirt already.

7.  See if you can menace one of the Cullen with a pair of plastic vampire fangs.  When you accomplish this (and you will), say “See!  It’s not that hard to be a scary vampire!”

8.  Just mention that you don’t like Twilight.  When whatever twi-fan is hanging around you starts on their normal bullshit, say “It’s not because I didn’t give it a chance.  It just sucks.”  Leave while they’re trying to convince you.

9.  Go to see Eclipse.  Turn to the person next to you and loudly say “So, where’s Gary Busey?  Isn’t he in this movie?  Doesn’t he have a silver bullet?”  Then go home and take a shower to wash your sins away.  Even if you went to see it as a joke, you’ve still seen it.

10.  The next positive review from some lame ass Twihard about Eclipse you hear, grab the front of their shirt and scream in their face “IT’S A SHITTY MOVIE BASED ON A FUCKING TERRIBLE BOOK SERIES!  IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD!!!  EVER!!!” 

Personally, if I hadn’t had trouble with friends, old acquaintances, family, etc, giving me shit for disliking this terrible thing, I wouldn’t have written this.  It is a simple fact that I will never, ever like this.  I gave it a chance, and came away thoroughly disappointed.  So, please, save it.  I don’t care what you have to say about Twilight.  In my opinion, it’s fucking terrible, and will always be that way.  End of story.

Aww..how cute, and utterly annoying.

Okay, maybe finding new ways to annoy iconic comic book characters wasn’t the best way I could have spent my time, but damn it, I’m a nerd, and that’s just how I roll.  Now that my Superhero time is done, let’s get back to the basics of simply annoying our fellow man (or woman…it’s suprisingly easy to annoy women)!  I’m a big fan of annoying people.  Mostly people they annoy the hell out of me beforehand!  Anyways, let’s get to it.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump. (more…)

Strip by Scott Kurtz. Pretending That Kurtz Isn't An Asshole by ManWithPez.

Face it!  Bruce Wayne has it coming, and not just the Goddamn Batman version of him, either!  He’s just so damn smug and confident in himself and his intellect, and you just want to slap the everlovin’ shit out of him.  Maybe that’s just me, though.  Batman…he’s awful hard to fool, but I’ve noticed something about the character.  In his race to prove to the world that’s he a big hardass, he’s revealed that he’s very, very easily annoyed.  So, come with me, and let’s discuss different ways to annoy Batman, after the jump. (more…)

I'd be upset too, if I suddenly realized I had inadvertently put a Gay Pride Triangle on my armor.

Tony Stark is a pretty mellow guy, when he’s not being harangued by his inner-demons, that is.  He’s a brilliant engineer and inventor, but he’s also a bit arrogant, and more than a bit alcoholic.  Hey, if I could drink and fly around in my kick-ass metal suit and blow shit up all day, you’d never hear from my fat ass again!  That being said, I’m certain there are ways to piss him off.  Here’s the best ten I could think of.  (Okay, here’s the fastest ten I could think of…you happy now?!) (more…)

Truer words, my friends. This is how awful shit really gets started.

I can’t really understand most supervillains in comics.  I mean, apparently over in Gotham City, all it takes is losing your job to drive most people over the edge into killing people left and right for no reason other than they’re just pissed off.  So, I imagine that you have to tread lightly around them.  You never know when minor annoyance is going to lead to “Off with his head!”  or some other horrible consequence of being annoying.   I, for one, like that I’m alive, and want to keep my body parts functioning.  Then again, these are all fake people, so screw em!  I mean, who are you really going to piss off by talking shit about comic book supervillains?  What’s that?  Oh…anyone who’d ever come to this site on their own.  Gotcha.  How to annoy supervillains after the jump. (more…)

Bad pets? Maybe. Bad Photoshop? Definitely.

Let’s get it out in the open.  I don’t own any animals.  No cats, no dogs, and no escargot.  I find the children I have to be enough animals in the house, thanks.  For all that, however, (and my cat hate has been thoroughly documented on this site.) whenever I did have any pets, I went out of my way to make sure their existence was as stress free as it could be.  It is insanely easy to annoy your pets, however, and since I’ve made it my mission in life to annoy to the utmost, here’s a handy guide on how to piss off your pets.  Bear in mind, however, that your typical fur people have sharp teeth and claws.  Another reason I don’t keep them in the house.  Ten New Ways to Annoy Your Pets after the jump. (more…)

Aw man! Why didn't I think of THAT one!

I imagine that if you’re dead, you’re probably pretty easy to piss off.  Add to it the pressure of having to seduce and drink blood, and you’ve got an undead powderkeg on your hands!   Since I’m not just going after any particular fandom, we’ll have several types of vampires in this week’s list.  That, and I didn’t know what else to write about, and I just needed the filler.  Enjoy! (more…)

He cares about as much as I do about my birthday.

Last week was my son and my mother, this week is my daughter and my exwife.  This weekend, it’s mine.  Birthdays!  They’re everywhere, and while mine usually don’t bother me, this one, the 35th, isn’t shaping up to be my best ever.  No worries, however.  I’ve usually tried to not to be irritable on my birthday, but it’s far too easy to annoy people on the day they move up an age bracket.  Here’s ten ways to push the envelope, but remember, if you poke a sleeping dog with a stick, you deserve what’s headed your way.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump. (more…)

Look at her! She's just begging to be annoyed!

Yes, yes, children are little people too.  Little, loud, snotty, annoying people, too.  I oughta know!  I’ve helped created two of them!  And, it just so happens that their birthdays are forthcoming.  So, get ready to see a post or two devoted to them.  Children annoy me so much that I think of it as a public service to help other in finding ways to bug the little turd droppers.  Now, tread carefully here.  Invariably, you will be called immature for trying to get under the skin of someone much younger than you.  Screw that!  As far as I’m concerned, they have it coming, what with they’re trying to figure out how the world works and their innate curiosity.  The NERVE!  Ten New Ways to Annoy the young after the jump. (more…)

At least this sign offers preparation. Most people, alas, do not.

Ah, every week, you’d think it’d be harder and harder to come up with ways to annoy the populace at large, and honestly, you’d be right.  Then again, I’m easily annoyed myself, so, I always seem to have what I need right at hand.  I don’t know that I would actually try any of the stuff I suggest, because most of it, while annoying, will probably land you in jail, for at least a day, if not longer.  Never let be said that I said annoying the cops was a good idea.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump. (more…)