He cares about as much as I do about my birthday.

Last week was my son and my mother, this week is my daughter and my exwife.  This weekend, it’s mine.  Birthdays!  They’re everywhere, and while mine usually don’t bother me, this one, the 35th, isn’t shaping up to be my best ever.  No worries, however.  I’ve usually tried to not to be irritable on my birthday, but it’s far too easy to annoy people on the day they move up an age bracket.  Here’s ten ways to push the envelope, but remember, if you poke a sleeping dog with a stick, you deserve what’s headed your way.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump.

1.  Buy a fake plastic arm and a huge birthday cake.  Position the arm to give the appearance that a stripper tried, but didn’t quite make it out.  Sincerely intone “Oh shit!  A dead stripper is SUCH bad luck!”  when the cake is given to the birthday person.

2.  If you’re not happy with your birthday cake, put the candles out with your ass.

3.  When some asshole at the restaurant you’re at for your birthday tells the wait staff that it’s your birthday, and they approach to sing, preempt them by singing “Happy Birthday” to them first.  Clap when you’ve finished and send them on their way.

4.  Send bondage gifts and sex toys to a distant relative’s first birthday party anonymously.

5.  When someone asks you what you want for your birthday, answer “World peace.  Barring that, I’d like to hunt a bald eagle or poison a reservoir.”

6.  Get one of those fake “Newspaper From The Day You were Born” gifts, but make sure it only has the worst news from that day in history on it.  Mass murders or terrorist attacks are a plus.

7.  For your own birthday, wear one of those plastic crowns they give out at birthday parties.  When someone who doesn’t know it’s your birthday asks about it, tell them you’ve overthrown the Burger King in a violent and bloody coup.

8.  Just before your birthday cake is brought out, tell everyone how thankful you are for another year clean.  When they ask clean of what, say “Cake.”

9.  Go to the local party supply store and go crazy on it like The Who in a hotel room.  When the cops show up, tell them that you thought it was what you were supposed to do on your birthday.  I mean, they do supply parties, right?

10.  Send a birthday card to your grandmother that only reads “I know what you did last summer.”  See what she confesses to.

Hey...he's just sayin' what we were all thinking.

Ah...marriage. Something truly evil for these two to deal with.

Typically speaking, a demon is a bad thing.  Not so on some of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it’s superior spinoff, Angel.  What’s that?  You don’t think Angel was better than Buffy?  Write your congressman!  This is my blog!  Anyways, I’ve decided to include some of the purer demons on this list, instead of half demons like Doyle or even the vampires.  Some of them had very limited screen time (in one case here, roughly five seconds), and some were around for years.  Either way, they made an impression on me, and so, let’s look at some demons after the jump!

Awwww...look at the little guy!

10.  Unnamed Sewer Demon – He was onscreen for less than ten seconds, but he was so cute!  I felt so damn sorry that after his brush with fame, he was taken out by Gio and the rest of Gunn’s old gang in the Angel episode “That Old Gang of Mine“.  The rest of the episode isn’t all that great, but this little guy’s (Sorry, he was actually huge) small appearance almost left me in tears.  Mostly because they’d already telegraphed what was about to happen to him.  Unlike most of Buffy, not all of the demons in LA in Angel are bad, and this guy certainly wasn’t, as Wesley points out.  Sorry little guy.  I wish we could have gotten to know you a little better.

Antlers and slime. Spike didn't exaggerate on those facts.

9.  Unnamed Chaos Demon – Sure, he’s all antlers and slime, but he caught the vampire Drusilla’s eye, proving once again that any alternative to Spike is a good one.  (Disagree?  See above statement about congressman).  Again he has very little screen time, but he seems so pathetic there holding his beer and trying to seem cool while Spike and Drusilla argue in front of him.  The episode he appears in is one of the better ones (Fool For Love), and you’ll remember the guy after the episode is over.  Unfortunately, they never showed what he was capable of.  Damn it.

Heh...Loan shark. HA!

8.  Teeth (Bro’os) the Loan Shark – They never say what kind of demon he is, but once you get a look at him, I don’t think it really matters.  He’s a loan shark (Oh..I get it.  No, it’s clever.  Really!) who Spike owes some kittens to over a game of poker. (I’m not making that up.  I’m not that creative.)  Take a look at his picture.  How do you think that thing would sound?  Yep, he pretty much sounds like he looks.  In the Buffy episode Tabula Rasa, he got up to all sorts of shenanigans when Buffy, the Scoobies and Spike all lost their memories.  It’s a decent episode, but had the misfortune of following perennial fan favorite Once More With Feeling.  That’s like going on stage to sing after Krisitn Chenoweth has just shaken the rafters with…well, it doesn’t really matter, does it? 

Do not taunt the Fear Demon.

7.   Gachnar the Fear Demon -  In one of Buffy’s better episodes, Fear, Itself, a demon was accidentally raised and wreaked all kinds of havoc at a college party.  Everyone had to face their worst fears, and this demon fed on that.  Yeah, this is the episode where we find out that exdemon Anya’s greatest fear is, of course, bunnies.  None of that was the point, however, as the episode wound to a close, and we find out that horribly frightening things can come in very small packages.  Gachnar the Fear Demon is roughly three inches tall.  After reading that, you care to take a guess as to how Buffy vanquished him?  That’s right.  She squished him like a bitty bug.

Does it look like he needs any more skin conditions?

6.  Sahjhan – Oh, we’re getting up there in power, now, ain’t we?  First sighted in the Angel episode Offspring, this demon is constantly up to no good.  However, there’s not a whole lot he can do directly, as all of Sahjhan’s species of demon, the Granok, was made incorporeal by evil lawfirm Wolfram and Hart(Who I would totally go work for, if they existed).  He can, however, skip about through time and various dimensions, which is how he knows that Angel’s son Connor is prophecied to kill him.  And, he’ll get around to it too.  The reason he’s so high on my list?  I love the way he talks.  Since he skips about in time, he’s picked up some odd vernacular, and isn’t afraid to use slang anachronistically.   He also deals Angel one of the toughest blows the 250 yr old vampire had to deal with by allowing one of Angel’s enemies escape into a hell dimension with Connor, Angel’s son.  Good stuff!

What big teeth you have, grandma!

5.  The Gentlemen – I swear to God, these guys creeped me out wholly the first time I saw them, and they continue to do so.  In a memorable episode of Buffy called Hush, The Gentlemen were the big bad that rendered the entire town of Sunnydale without speech.  Why would they do that?  Well they needed to harvest MacGuffins…sorry, human hearts and, apparently, a screaming slayer makes their heads explode, and no one gabs more than Buffy.  Okay, that’s an oversimplification.  But, do you remember these guys?  They didn’t walk anywhere, they floated!  It creeps me out just to think of it!  I, for one, was sad to see them go because we never saw them again.  And, the episode, Hush, is one of the best hours of TV I ever watched, no matter what genre it was.

You...uh...got a little something on your head, there.

4.  Skip – One of the scarier looking demons that ever graced a TV screen, Skip, was, for all intents and purposes a good aligned demon whose job it was to keep half demon Billy in a fiery hellcage(That Vision Thing).  Like the evil little bastard he was guarding, Skip turned out to be more than he appeared.  He made two appearances where he claimed to work for The Powers that Be (don’t ask), and then he just turned out to be an asshole.  That’s okay, though.  His goofy mode of speech and manners made him likeable for the times when we thought he was good.  His conversation with Angel about his twenty minute morning commute is still one of the funnier things I’ve ever heard.

Congratulations. You beat the bad guy in a completely hollow victory.

3.  Sweet – Here’s where things get sticky.  Rabid Buffy fans who claim that Once More With Feeling is their favorite episode of the show claim that Sweet(actual name is never given) is the best bad guy ever.  I’m not one to make waves (riiiiiight), but I disagree, and not just because I want to be different.  For all that argument, however, they make a powerful point.  Charismatic and just up to no good, this demon’s modus operandi is to make people sing until their emotions get the better of them so bad that they burst into flame.  No one…no villain except maybe Angelus has hurt Buffy and the Scoobies as fundamentally as Sweet did when they were forced to reveal all the secrets and emotions that they would normally keep to themselves.  In the end, they run him off (kinda), but not before he delivers one of the best sarcastic lines of all time:  “Say you’re happy NOW…once more with feeling.”

CLEM ROCKS!!!

2.  Clem – My single favorite demon on Buffy was the hound faced Clem, and I used to watch the show hoping for an episode he’d turn up in.  You see, unlike Sweet, who was a one time bad guy, Clem was a go-to guy for Buffy, and perhaps the one case of a demon NOT being a villain on the show.  He made several appearances, and my favorite was in his first, Life Serial, mostly because he’s playing kitten poker.  I would play kitten poker.  Granted, I wouldn’t eat the kittens, but maybe I’d lose to Clem on purpose.  He’s just such a stand up guy.  The last time we see him, he’s on his way out of town, and for good reason.  It’s not long after the Sunnydale is completely destroyed.   I remember when Buffy was first run, actually bouncing up and down and clapping everytime Clem would turn up.  Y’know…I still do that when I watch the DVDs.  That’s how cool he is.  Clem!

The coolest demon of all time. Nothing more needs to be said.

1.  Lorne – Lorne, or The Host, or Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan is my favorite out of all the demons ever presented in either Buffy or Angel.  Green skin, red eyes and horns, and one hell of a killer voice…and, for all that, he was the most human of anyone in the cast of chracters on Angel.   You’ll notice that I haven’t mentioned the names of the actors who played these demons up to this point, but here, I feel I have to.  Andy Hallett was a grounding force on that show, and it can’t have been easy for him to be in that makeup day in and day out, and yet, through all the makeup, if Lorne was in a good mood, you were in a good mood.  If he was disappointed, you were disappointed.  It was a masterful acting job by a truly gifted young actor, and the art world is a worse place without his voice or other talents in it.  Back to Lorne, however.  He was an anogogic demon who could read parts of your destiny in your aura as you sang.  He ran a karaoke bar called Caritas until Angel and his group found ways to destroy his bar not once, but three times!   In the final episode Not Fade Away, Angel asked Lorne to kill the human Lindsey MacDonald, which Lorne did with one caveat.  He told Angel that he was leaving forever, and wanted nothing further to do with him or his mission.  It’s all there on the screen.  When Lorne kills Lindsey, you can see part of him die too.   He was one of the reasons I kept coming back to Angel, and he’s one of the best reasons to watch the show, if you’ve not seen it yet.

There’s my top ten.  I love these guys!  Some are good, and some are bad, but I remember all of them after the episodes they appeared in.  Hell, Lorne was on Angel for YEARS, and the show was much better for it.  If you haven’t seen these shows, if you’ve been resisting for some reason, give them a try (though season one of Buffy is very, very rocky) and I think you’ll find that if you keep your mind open, you’ll be entertained.  As for me, I’m in the middle of rewatching Angel, so I think I’ll get back to it.  What can I say…I’m a Joss Whedon fan.

Yo dawg! I head you like bitin' other dawgs. Here ya go!

Being a surly, slightly overweight nerd, I’m certain you’re thinking that I’m about to say “physical confrontation” and the fights I like to avoid.  You’d be wrong this time, however.  Certain groups of people tear into each other verbally or in whatever way, and I just get embarassed or bothered to the point that I can’t BE bothered.   Everyone knows everyone has an opinion or two of their own.  There’s just no need to force it out of most people.  The Fights I Like To Avoid…and why, after the jump.

1.  Movie Nerds vs. Book Purists – Of all the dumbass confrontations you can encounter, this may be the one that you actually accidentally find yourself embroiled in.  And, it’s just so damn stupid.  Books have more detail?  No shit.  Movies get to the point quicker?  Sure, sometimes they do.  In the end, I guess it matters what kind of person you are.  Do you like to read more than you like to watch?  There are merits to both artforms, and arguing about that is just plain unintelligent.  Plus, it leads people to say shit like “I don’t watch TV.”  Why do you want to look me in the face and lie to me.  When your nose isn’t buried in that book, you’re watching American Idol or something equally retarded, I’m certain.  And, movie nerds…It’s not going to hurt you to read a goddamn book, trust me.  I leave this one on this point.  Reading about an explosion can be cool, yes…but everyone, EVERYONE loves to see shit blow up.  It’s in our very nature as human beings.

2.  God/Allah/Buddha/Atheism, etc vs Everyone Who Isn’t Me – And, that’s really what this argument boils down to.  I don’t like you, so my diety doesn’t like you.  It’s just another way to be inclusionary, or exclusionary.  I don’t know what lies beyond this mortal coil, and you don’t either.  If you consider yourself an enlightened person, you have to be open to the fact that A)Not everyone believes as you do, and B) You don’t know everything, especially when it comes to matters of pure belief.  People get shot and exploded “debating” this particular item, but when I hear an Atheist throwing down with a TurboChristian, I tune it out.  Just like I don’t know what’s going on in your head, you don’t know whether or not what I believe in is true or not, and no amount of evidence is really, really ever going to change someone’s mind.  If it makes someone happy, why fight it, I say.

3.  Women vs Men – I get hot under the collar about this one.  I don’t mind if you’re better than me in some way.  I promise you that there is someone out there that is better than you, not matter the gender, in some way or another.  I don’t mind conceding that there’s assorted women out there that are better than me, or can accomplish more than me in almost any regard.  Where this argument starts to chafe me is one gender’s supposition that one is better than the other.  And the frequency with which people attempt to win this argument based on that supposition is disgusting.  Come on people now, smile on your brother (or sister).  Which leads me to the next item…

4.  Race vs Race – I was going to say Race vs White, but since I’ve seen this argument go so many ways, in so many diverging paths, it wouldn’t be fair to say that, now would it?  Like with Men vs Women, why do people have such a hard time believing that people, on the whole, are capable of doing almost anything.  Good or bad.  The way I like to see this is that you should give everyone a chance.  As soon as that chance turns into opportunity, smile…you’ve done something good.  As soon as a chance becomes something insidious or evil, then it should become incumbent on us as human beings to take it away.  From INDIVIDUALS.  If you can’t judge a person based on their own merits AND their personal downfalls without it becoming a race war, what does that say about you as a person?  I can’t say, categorically, but I’m pretty certain it’s something that sounds really, really stupid.

5.   Republican vs Democrat – Politics makes me sleepy.  Know why?  It’s fucking boring!  Nothing against people who incessantly debate politics until the very argument their making sounds…oh, I don’t know…roughly Forrest Gump level.  This one, like religion, hinges people’s inability to believe in other people’s beliefs.  I’m not saying you should believe what they believe.  I’m just saying that other people’s beliefs aren’t necessarily wrong because they aren’t yours.  In my nearly 35 years on this planet, people’s personal politics have effected me…well, not at all.  Just as mine haven’t really determined their course of events.  And, I’m kinda happy that way, even if I can understand why other people aren’t.

I think I’ll call this one early.  It’s not my intention to piss anyone off.  It’s just that, after awhile, I get tired of people arguing over subjective things, things that you entirely up to point of view, and claiming that the other people’s beliefs are wrong.  Look, my daughter believes in Santa Claus…I’m not ready to drop that particular spoiler on her just yet, even though, yes, she’s wrong.  I don’t care if the other person believes that pogo sticks are the next reliable form of transportation.  I don’t care that you think this website sucks!  (It doesn’t, for the record, but I’ve already got your hit in my stats.  Thank you, come again!)  If we can’t get along…and trust me, I think we’re doing alright (people should be surprised that things work as well as they do, not focus on what doesn’t work), then why don’t we burn the whole motherfucker down, huh?  Who’s with me?  I got a book of matches and some gasoline right here!

Well, actually, I have a cucumber melon scented candle, but you catch my drift, right?

Heh.  Yeah, I suppose that’s right.  At any rate, here’s my picture for my 4,000th Tweet.  And, while it’s good, it’s not half as good as the iteration that ThatCostumeGirl came up with…seen below and after the jump.

Fred and Ginger have a short conversation on the best way to get rid of me.

 So, there’s my 4000th Tweet.  Hope you enjoy it.  I’m pretty sure that Tweet 5000 will be the last time I call attention to it.  The number of tweets, I mean.  Not anything that’s being covered in any of the pictures.

Mmmmmm...haaaaand. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting my zombie son!

Since this is my site, I think I’ll say Happy Birthday to whoever I want!  And that who today is my little redhaired son, Alexander.  It’s not everyday that your young man turns seven!  Seen pictured above from some years past, and apparently when he was quite hungry.   Here’s hoping you get some cake instead of that hand, boy!  I love you, son.

Talk back to me again, and you'll be riding high tide, you got that?

Today is my son’s birthday.  In honor of this, I’m going to write a little piece about some of my favorite father/son relationships.  However, as is my wont here at ManWithPez, none of these are what you’d consider traditional father/son relationships, ohhhhh no.  In fact,  only one pair is actually blood related.  Having said that, I think we’ll do without the typical rank structure I usually employ with these types of lists, and just jump in.  Who’s ready?  I know I am, and before I go on…Happy 7th, Alexander.  Daddy is very proud of you.  Fathers and sons after the jump.

You're grounded, son. That, or I'll cut off the other hand, take your pick.

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker – The only blood kin here on this list today consists of two men that tried desperately to kill each other over the course of three films.   The saddest part of it?  Darth KNEW Luke was his son, chopped his hand off…and THEN told him what was up.  Not for nothing, but that’s fucked up right there!  Of course, at the end of the whole mess, Daddy Vader comes around and destroys his evil master for trying to do what he’d been doing not five minutes previous:  Kill his son.  I’ll say this for old Anakin Skywalker…When he makes his mind up, you’d best not be standing near anything steep!

Whattya mean you killed a little girl? I HAVE NO SON!!!

Dr. Frankenstein and Adam (or The Monster) – In the book, this is about a messed up relationship, huh?  I mean, Frankenstein takes the time and effort to dig up dead people and stitch them together, run massive amounts of electricity through the result, and what does he get?  A rampaging beast who simply wants to destroy EVERYTHING the good doctor cares about.  Okay, it’s not really that simple, but these two share a complex relationship that apparently can only be solved through homicide and violence.  Or, perhaps the death of a little girl, mistaken for a flower.  Whatever.  No one sides with Frankenstein in this dust up.  It’s all about Boltneck (As he was referred to in his high school yearbook.)

Suuuure, you got syphillis from an ancient curse. Suuuure you did.

Rupert Giles and Xander Harris – Okay, okay.  I know the main relationship that Watcher Giles had on the show was with his favored vampire slayer, but if you watch closely, you’ll notice something.  Xander wants, nay, NEEDS approval from Giles from time to time, and he expects to be reprimanded by the wily Brit when he does wrong.  All the Scoobies do, actually, but as Xander was the only permanent male member of the group, it fell on Giles to show him how to be a man, and I think the Watcher did him right.  He called him on his wrongdoings, and he helped him notice his self worth, if, from time to time, Giles was the one who took it away from him in the first place.  Just like a real Dad does.  Or at least, some of the one’s I’ve been associated with.

Where'd you get that knife? Think I'm talking to hear myself? ANSWER ME!!!

Dr. Sam Loomis and Michael Myers – Sure, it wouldn’t do to have a list like this if I wasn’t going to include one where the father figure is constantly trying to kill the little one, and that’s what we have here.  Of all the relationships listed here, this is the most dysfunctional.  Loomis feels responisble for Myers and his homicidal behavior, and so feels that he must be the one…the only one who kills him.  Michael Myers, of course, is an unstoppable killing machine, but at least that old bastard Loomis went out on his own, and wasn’t dispatched by The Terminator…sorry, Michael.  If you look over the course of the movies, I think you’ll find that Loomis is that only one that bites the dust due to old age, and not a blade.  Good for him!

For a super powered alien, you have a tendency to whine, you know that?

Jonathan Kent and Clark Kent (Superman) – Sure, sure, Jor-El so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son and all that, but Jor-El wasn’t there to teach his boy to be a man, was he?  Jonathan Kent molded Superman into what he is, gave him his moral compass.  It can’t have been easy, raising a super powered adolescent being, but Jonathan and Martha did the best they could, which was pretty good, all told.  If you take the Jonathan out of Superman, I don’t know what you’d be looking at, but you wouldn’t have the hero we all know and love today, that’s for certain.  For my money, one of the best father/son relationships in all of popular media.

I love it when Alfred gets so pissed at Batman that he just shakes the shit out of him!

Alfred Pennyworth and Bruce Wayne (Batman) – Say your parents are both wealthy, and gunned down in front of your eyes.  Say you become a costumed vigilante to fight crime because of the trauma.  Think you might need a grounding influence in your life?  Someone to tell you when you’re going too damn far?  Bruce Wayne has that in his butler Alfred.  For me, it was best illustrated at the end of The Mask of the Phantasm, when Alfred tells Bruce that he’s worried since the beginning that Batman would become the thing that he pursues, and he’s grateful that he hasn’t.  Without Alfred, Bruce would be A) Dead (How many times has that butler sewn up Bruce?) and B) Just another nutjob without powers in tights.  Alfred is Bruce’s conscience, and has guided Bruce through some of his darkest times.

Yeah, I said his teeth are as yellow as his eyes! Scary, I know!

I don’t know why, but I find the following cartoon clips funny.  They’re really just repeated sayings from certain shows edited down to just those key things I find funny.  Find out why I think is so damn funny after the jump, but I warn you…there’s one clip in here that started me off laughing for a good ten minutes, and I STILL can’t explain why!  Videos for you after the jump!

Let’s start off simple.  From The Simpsons episode in season 4 entitled So It Has Come To This:  The Simpsons Clip Show, here’s Homer’s D’ohs.  I’m positively certain you’ve seen this before, just as I’m positive I don’t care what you’ve seen!  Enjoy!

Not to be outdone, The Simpsons sister show Futurama was/is one of the funniest shows on TV.  My favorite character?  Prof. Hubert Farnsworth.  You knew when he came in a room saying “Good News!” that something great was about to happen.   Then again, just him saying that is enough to keep me watching.  Let’s watch together, shall we?

And, now for the last.  There’s something truly infectious about The Joker, and the best actor to play him?  No, not the dead one with the Oscar!  Mark Hamill!  From various animated versions of him, here’s Mark Hamill best Joker laughs.  I don’t know why, but I can’t stop laughing at it!  HA!

Not the toad I meant, bu...ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!

You know, ThatCostumeGirl and I argued over whether or not to call this group of people Lackeys or Toadies.  Turns out, they mean almost the same thing, really.  There is enough difference, however, that it looks like she won.  So, Toadies it is!  Besides, it’s the cooler sounding term anyways.  Now, there will be some on the list that you disagree with.  Indeed, there are some that start out as toadies, and then distinguish themselves otherwise further in the story.  For however brief a time, however, they were all in glorious servitude, and happy to be so!  So, here they are in rank order:  My Favorite Toadies, after the jump!

The inspiration for Frank Miller's That Yellow Bastard.

10.  Chester the Terrier (Looney Tunes) – Most people my age were introduced to the concept of a toady via Chester the Terrier in Looney Tunes.  He’s the fawning sparkplug to bowler hat wearing Spike the Bulldog.   The reason he’s at 10?  Well, he doesn’t stay a toady for long.  He invariably proves himself in the cartoons to be the superior tough dog, and indeed, Spike becomes his toady at the end of whatever short the two appear in.  That’s the good thing about most toadies:  Room to grow into your own person!  Or dog.

Pay no attention to the albino up front.

9.  Crabbe and Goyle (Harry Potter) – Misunderstood villain Draco Malfoy couldn’t be the simpering bad guy that he is without oafish help, and he gets it in this pair of brainless dickheads.  They blindly follow Malfoy no matter what he’s up to, though they prove astonishingly easy to deal with throughout the Harry Potter series.  So much so, that they are only seen or heard speaking with their own voices in only one of the seven volume Harry Potter series.  One of them…I won’t say who, has a sticky end in the last book, mostly because he fails to do as his leader commands.  Get too greedy, and see what happens?  You get burnt!  Damn!  Adolescence is hard to swallow in those books!

BLARGH! KILL IT!

8.  Blix (Legend) – The Prince of Darkness has a go-to guy in his employ to destroy the last pair of unicorns…a green goblin by the name of Blix, who gets one of the better lines in the entire movie.  When asked by his boss how black his heart is, Blix replies “Black as midnight, black as pitch.  Blacker than the foulest witch.”  Is that not cool?  He turns out to be surprisingly effective, mostly because he can move about in the day time, where his master can not.  Not only does he snatch a unicorn’s horn, he manages to capture a second unicorn alive so that his master can kill it at his leisure.  That’s pretty useful for a little green goblin, I think.

Renfield demonstrates that HE'S NUMBER ONE!

7.  Renfield (Dracula) – Ah!  Everyone’s favorite bug eating thrall!  Renfield’s story, in my opinion, is one of the more compelling parts of Bram Stoker’s novel of blood drinking evil, and, for some reason, it’s the first thing that gets cut or short shrift in almost any film adaptation.  All the man wants for his servitude, ultimately, is to be made into a vampire.  That, or a full grown cat.  Pretty cheap, so far as wages go!  What he wants to do with the cat is best left to the imagination, but since I’m no fan of cats myself, I say get in where you fit in, bugeater!

Alcoholic plastic surgeons don't come no better!

6.  Dr. Einstein (Arsenic and Old Lace) – Now, I’ve professed my love for this movie time and again, and one of the bigger reasons for this is Peter Lorre’s flawless performance as an alcoholic, impressionable plastic surgeon, forever on call to master serial killer Jonathon Brewster.  While he goes out of his way to try and save brother Mortimer from Jonathon’s evil clutches, he comes around and helps subdue Cary Grant before it’s over.  Hey!  If you had to work for someone who you accidentally made look like Boris Karloff, you’d be an alcoholic too!  I don’t think I was ever happier to see a character escape in any film I’ve ever seen.  And, he does so with a grateful smile on his face, just having walked through a sea of policemen to do so!

One crazy bitch. And I dig that about her, baby!

5.  Amanda Young (Saw) – As far as toadies go, it’d be nice to have one that looks as good as Shawnee Smith does, right?  Well, as good as she usually looks outside the Saw film franchise at any rate.  Amanda is shown to us in the first film as the only survivor of Jigsaws machinations, and later as a second time victim.  Of course, knowing what we know about the films, turns out she’s a more than willing pawn and student of Jigsaw’s.  She gets up to her own shenanigans, for which the penalty is quite severe, in the third movie.  Consequently, if you’ve not seen the first three, I recommend them.  They actually get better one after the other, if you can stomach them, which most can’t. 

Nailin' all the ladies that Gaston won't.

4.  LeFou (Beauty and the Beast) – This guy is such a good toadie that he A) sings a song to his boss to convince him just how great he is, and B) stands for an indeterminate amount of time in a snow bank because he was told to.  Why does LeFou do the things he does?  Gaston is a pretty hard influence to say no to, but my guess is castoff ass.  Whatever Gaston doesn’t want, LeFou is there to pick up.  I mean, did you see the Bimbettes? (Hey!  That’s how they’re referred to in the credits!)  You tellin’ me they weren’t sleeping with LeFou to get to Gaston?  You explain it then!?

Keep smilin'. Ralphie says you're next.

3.   Grover Dill (A Christmas Story) – He is identified by name as a toady in the movie.  His part in the bully structure is made perfectly clear, when he takes a sock to the shoulder from Scut Farkus.  Yet, he beats on the rest of the cast with impugnity.  Ah, the life of a toady at Christmas time.  While Ralphie describes Grover’s teeth as green, they are shown not to be so.  Then again, this comes from adult Ralphie who’s narrating the whole thing, showing that your childhood memories, especially when it comes to toadies, may not be reliable.  Besides, didn’t Ralphie serve up a heaping bowl of expletive laced justice to these two assholes?  Hell yeah, he did!

Abby...someone.

2.  Igor (Frankenstein) – You may be wondering, since this is the second list of mine that he’s appeared on, why I keep using pictures of Marty Feldman from Young Frankenstein for Igor, since it was a a parody film?  Because he’s my favorite Igor, that’s why!   He was THIS close to getting with Madeline Kahn.  He was blissfully unaware of his own hump.  He got the wrong brain for his boss.  And yet, there’s something about him.  He’s my second favorite toady of all time for a reason.  Mostly because while he gets the job done, he does it his own way.  Hmm…I guess that wouldn’t make him a toady at all!   Well, I’ve written too much of this list to replace him now!  Damn it!

Simply the greatest toady of our times.

1.  Waylon Smithers (The Simpsons) – When you started reading the list, you had to know that there was only one choice for number one.  While it might look like a simple case of servitude, Smithers relationship with his boss, C. Montgomery Burns is a complex one.  We find out, for instance, that Burns had a hand in raising Smithers after his father was killed.  Which makes Smithers’s all consuming crush on his boss quite disturbing on many levels.  Smithers, while the best toady in history, has been shown to stand up for certain things he believes in.  Most notable among them, his boss’s plot to steal sunshine from Springfield, and Sideshow Bob’s bid for mayor, because the republican views of his boss conflict with his…lifestyle.  Waylon Smithers!  The best of all the toadies!

While researching this with ThatCostumeGirl, we found out that the plot device of the toady or lackey is a rich and versatile one.  Look for a revisit to this particular top ten sometime in the future.  Mostly when I’ve forgotten to write a piece, or I just need to pull an easy one off.  Wait…no!  I’d never do that!  Nothing but the best for my six readers!  (Hi, cousin Jenny!)

Look at her! She's just begging to be annoyed!

Yes, yes, children are little people too.  Little, loud, snotty, annoying people, too.  I oughta know!  I’ve helped created two of them!  And, it just so happens that their birthdays are forthcoming.  So, get ready to see a post or two devoted to them.  Children annoy me so much that I think of it as a public service to help other in finding ways to bug the little turd droppers.  Now, tread carefully here.  Invariably, you will be called immature for trying to get under the skin of someone much younger than you.  Screw that!  As far as I’m concerned, they have it coming, what with they’re trying to figure out how the world works and their innate curiosity.  The NERVE!  Ten New Ways to Annoy the young after the jump.

1.  Whatever costumed mascot your child is into (Chuck E. Cheese, Mickey Mouse, Spongebob, Wilford Brimley), wait until they meet them for the first time, and then pick a fight with the mascot.  Make absolutely certain you rip the head off in the scuffle.  Remind your crying child that the mascot “has it comin’”.

2.  Whenever your child is watching Barney, make up new lyrics to the “I Love You” song.  Take care to make them as filthy as possible, and make certain that the child hears and repeats them.  Disavow all knowledge of having taught them the song.

3.  “Accidentally” leave your next alcoholic drink in reach of a kid.  When they down it, condemn their parents for raising a “Microlush”.

4.  Drag your children into the Mac vs PC debate.  Get them to make their points with shin kicks.

5.  Fall into tears whenever the children watch iCarly or Hannah Montana.  Ask the kids why they hate you so much.

6.  For a full week, call your children by the wrong name.

7.  Use a replica of their favorite stuffed animal to light your grill in front of them.  When the tears have reached their maximum, produce the real toy.  Repeat throughout the summer.

8.  Whenever one of your children asks for a suggestion for one of those “______ is My Hero” essays for school, suggest Robocop, John Matrix from Commando, The Alien Queen from Aliens, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

9.  Dress your daughter as Samara Morgan from The Ring before you send her to a slumber party.  Dress your son like Batman, complete with working utility belt.

10.  During the next thunderstorm, reenact the “GIVE MY CREATION LIFE” scene from Frankenstein, using one of your children as The Monster.  Make certain the neighbors see you do this from your rooftop.