I'd be upset too, if I suddenly realized I had inadvertently put a Gay Pride Triangle on my armor.

Tony Stark is a pretty mellow guy, when he’s not being harangued by his inner-demons, that is.  He’s a brilliant engineer and inventor, but he’s also a bit arrogant, and more than a bit alcoholic.  Hey, if I could drink and fly around in my kick-ass metal suit and blow shit up all day, you’d never hear from my fat ass again!  That being said, I’m certain there are ways to piss him off.  Here’s the best ten I could think of.  (Okay, here’s the fastest ten I could think of…you happy now?!)

10.  Bump into Tony Stark at a party and say “Excuse me, Mr. Wayne.”

9.  Ask Iron Man how it is to have “Rust” listed as an enemy.

8.  Every chance you get, say thank you to Iron Man by declaring “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.”

7.  If the Iron Man armor ever freezes up, make as many “Oil can” jokes as you can before actually assisting Mr. Stark.

6.  Remind Mr. Stark that you were against the Superhero Registration Act from the start, and that there’s not a damn thing he can do about it.

5.  Swap out all the scotch in Tony’s house with motor oil.  (I wouldn’t hang around to see how this ends, actually.)

4.  When Tony is trying to put on his armor, try to roll a smokebomb into it before he can get it completely done up.

3.  If Mr. Stark ever gives you any money, use the light from the ARC Reactor in his chest to see if it is counterfeit.

2.  Take a shot at Iron Man with a high powered rifle.  When he confronts you about it, say “Aw…that’ll buff right out.  No need to call the insurance company.”

1.  See if Iron Man will let you roast a hot dog off his “exhaust”.

Not what I had in mind. At all.

The superhero has got to have the right kicks for the right job.  Granted, some of them…well, they just don’t.  Lady superheroes…I’m looking at you here.  Now, I’m not trying to get anyone up in arms here.  These are the costumes that I like, and I stand by them.  There’s only one non-comic one on the list.  There may be a couple missing that you think should be on here, and, that’s okay.  No problem.  It wouldn’t be a ManWithPez list if it didn’t piss off at least one person.  Some of these are pretty specific to certain books, and I’ll list as is comes up.  Some of my favorite costumes for superheroes after the jump.

That man...that Spider-Man means business. He's also friendly.

1.  Spider-Man – He’s my favorite superhero, and, to me there is no more iconic costume than Spider-Man’s.  You see the man in this costume, and you know what he’s all about up front.  (Well, maybe not wrestling, as that’s what the clothes were made for).  Peter Parker has complained that his costume doesn’t offer a whole lot of protection, from beatdowns or the elements.  At least he’s not wearing his Stark designed red and gold anymore.  That was a hot mess, I thought.  Before he left Spider-Man, writer J. Michael Stracynisky and artist John Romita Jr. posited that the Spider-Man of the future would have a different costume.  We even saw an early design of it after issue #500, where it was introduced.  Frankly, I just kinda hope things don’t go down that path, because I love Spider-Man’s look (Take THAT Venom!).

Hmmm...I wonder who this is? Oh...his name's on his shirt.

2.  Superman – I’m not the biggest Superman fan around.  You can ask anyone.  Okay, don’t do that, because they don’t know me, and you just don’t know what might come out of their mouth on the subject.  Again, this is one of the more iconic looks in all of popular fiction, and it’s a well designed costume, with Kal-El’s Kryptonian name right on the front of his shirt…you know…like a janitor would have.  Frankly, the red underpants on the outside probably need a rethinking, but, I’m not above wearing such things myself, so, why wouldn’t the alien with a heart of gold wear the same thing.  I had to include it here, because everyone, EVERYONE knows this costume.  Even people who’ve never heard of Superman.  It’s just that well known.

Sometimes, I'm not sure Spider-Man made the right choice in girlfriends.

3.  Black Cat – Switching back to Spider-Man for a moment, I’ve got to give it up to Felicia Hardy and her sexy, though oddly practical cat burgling costume.  Yeah, I don’t know what the white fur on it is about either, but I know she looks hot in it.  Beyond that, however, she looks like she’d boot your ass for you, too.  And, probably make you feel good about yourself as she did so.  It’s a nice costume with clean lines that’s just impractical enough that you know this particular character would wear it.  So, I’m going with Black Cat over Catwoman in the better costume department.  Just have Kevin Smith leave the character alone, and we’ll all be happy about it.

Vvvvvrrrrooooooommmm!!!!

4.  The Flash – My third favorite hero ever is in touch with the Speed Force, and has outrun a laser beam at one point.  And, in this connotation, I’m talking Wally West’s Flash.  There are differences in his and Barry Allen’s Flash costumes, but, they are subtle.  At first glance, with it’s gold ear pieces and odd chest insignia, it seems like it would be the goofiest thing to wear in a fight.  But, with blur lines and lightning flowing all about from the Speed Force, this costume becomes a force to be reckoned with.  As does the person wearing it.  And…it folds up into a compartment no bigger than a class ring.  Which bears the question…when someone in touch with the Speed Force changes in such a fashion…are they just hanging it out there naked for a microsecond?  Enquiring minds want to know.  Okay, I want to know…and I’m not all that enquiring.

An elegant superhero for a more civilized age.

5.  Mr. Incredible (Old costume) – I’m not talking about the red/black/yellow costume the whole family ends up with in the film.  I’m talking about the kitschy, 60s, art deco looking thing that he tools around in the beginning of the movie in.  Of course, once he wears it while overweight, it looks ridiculous, but what superhero costume couldn’t you say that about.  I really like the colors on his old suit, with the black and the blue.  The mask is a bit much, but, hey…you’ve got to protect that secret identity somehow.  Then again, Bob Parr is HUGE!  How could anyone not know it was him in that getup?  Except maybe Clark Kent.

Would be more badass if my girlfriend would finish making hers.

6.  Wonder Girl (Armor from Wonder Girl mini) – While I’m not always the biggest fan of the character (she’s kinda batshit…literally!  Take that as you will) I’ve always liked her normal costume.  The oddly practical jeans and tanktop look.  In her miniseries that came out a few years ago, though, Cassie Sandsmark was given a badass set of armor that complimented her without taking away from the Wonder Family she’s categorically a part of.  I would love for that costume to become Wonder Girl’s go to costume, but, to date, the only thing she’s changed since getting it is adding long sleeves to her everyday jeans look.  Still, a man can dream, can’t he.  Wait…I didn’t mean he could dream about a teenage girl in armor…Oh bother.

He's so punk, he's got a metal mohawk!

7.  The Rocketeer – This harkens back to why I liked the Mr. Incredible super suit so much.  Cliff Secor’s getup, however, is much more practical.  Leather jacket…that somehow keeps his ass from lighting up with a giant rocket mounted on his back, and that goofy looking, though again, practical helmet that looks like a hood ornament.  The giant fin on the helmet is meant to be a rudder, so he turns in whatever direction his head is turned in.  For all that, though, I just like the way the thing looks.  It’s a beautiful costume that instantly takes you back in time when you see it. 

Ohhhhh shit!

8.  Green Lantern (Kingdom Come) – Alan Stewart, the oldest of the surviving Green Lanterns, is given quite the upgrade in his look in the ultimate Elseworld tale that tells one possible future of the DC universe (since written off as occurring on an alternate earth).  His armor might look bulky, but he certainly knows how to use it, and I like the idea of a Green Lantern in a knight in armor look.  He even fashions a sword or lance or whatever the hell that thing was he had with him all the time.  I’m unaware of the specifics of how his ring works in Kingdom Come, but typically, this GL’s ring was magic based.  I’m sure there’s an explanation for all this in Kingdom Come which I haven’t read in years, but if you really want to know, ask @cootsdaddy , an old friend, comics afficionado, and forever champion of the Green Lantern.

That posture CAN'T be comfortable.

9.  Nightwing – Oh, we’re in the shit, now, ain’t we?  How on earth could I include an ex-Robin on this list, and not Batman?  Well, I’ll get to that in a moment.  With it’s nice clean lines and given the fact that he can glide with it, it’s a nice change from his Robin days.  However, that’s not to say that Dick Grayson didn’t run into trouble with the original Nightwing suit.  The goddamn thing had FEATHERS on it for chrissake?!  Dick is an acrobat and a fighter, and I like the look of this costume.  It suits him, it seems to scare criminals in Bludhaven, and it does call to mind Dick’s history with the Batfamily, no matter if he wants to own up to that legacy or not. 

That's right Booster. Flex it out...for the ladies. Awwww yeah.

10.  Booster Gold – I absolutely adore the hell out of Booster Gold’s goofy costume!  And, if you’re a reader of his comic book, you find out in issue 3, after Booster’s gotten a little drunk, that he once had a cape, and that asshole Superman just ripped it off him!  For all that, however, I like the colorscheme, and I like the incorporation of the goggles and the star.  It’s just the kind of thing you’d expect someone who used to have corporate sponsorship to wear.  Along with using his costume to advertise, it also protects him.  Not his sense of propiety, of course, but him, himself.  Now, he’s THE GREATEST HERO NO ONE’S HEARD OF!  That goes counter to the character as introduced, but it’s a nice look on him, just like his costume.

So, there’s a couple of things to think about, huh?  Why isn’t Batman on this list?  I’ll tell you.  Everytime I see Batman, all I can think is that his costume must weigh 900lbs, what with all the shit he stores in it.  In a fight, I’ll take Bruce Wayne over almost anyone on this list, but that batcostume has to be the most impractical thing in history.  There are several other superheros out there whose costumes I enjoy seeing.  For instance, Vigilante, Black Canary, Wolverine, Iron Man, Superboy, and Robin, just to name a few.  But, I chose ten, and ten I’m sticking with.  Besides, you can always write a story from another time and call is 1602, or Elseworlds, or M2 and make whatever changes to the costume that you want.  It’s worked wonders over the years.  Anyways…see you around!

What the hell are you people doing?

I just don’t get people as a whole.  It’s true.  But, today, I’m going to take a look at ten groups that I really, really don’t get.  That’s not to say that I shouldn’t be included in at least one of these groups.  I guess, when all is said and done, I don’t really understand myself, either.  I don’t doubt that something in this list will piss people off, and I’ll lose one of my six readers (Hey ex-principal Reed!), but frankly, I think pouring my brain out my help me figure a thing or two out.  Ten Groups I Just DO NOT GET after the jump.

Beer and radio. Nothing wrong there!

10.  Technology Fans Who Hate The Past – You’ve got a bright, shiny new toy, I get that.  And, I’m not talking about upgrading technology, but rather, storytelling.  More often than not, these people will say that no good movies were made before they were born, or later.  No music exists that’s worth listening to if it isn’t on the radio RIGHT NOW…not that these people listen to actual radio…That’s too old fashioned.  They don’t have a home phone land line, and if you want to reach them, the best way isn’t face to face, but through they’re cell phone.  They think a movie is bad unless it’s covered in computer generated imagery.  I think I’m making myself clear here.  I realize that saying this is going to date me, but, trust me…an old black and white movie ISN’T GOING TO KILL YOU!  Simply because something comes from the past, doesn’t make it stupid or worthless!  Try listening to a good Old Time Radio Show (Much like today’s TV, there was plenty of shit out there, so you have to find a good one.)  Turner Classic Movies is NOT your enemy.  Because you’re caught up in today’s world doesn’t mean yesterday’s has nothing to offer.  Check it out.  But, you won’t.  And, that’s why I don’t understand you.

Yeah...that makes sense.

9.  Fundamentalists – People whose beliefs run so deep as to exclude almost any other form of thought.  I don’t get you!  Are you so narrowminded as to believe that your answers are the only answers in the world?  Hmmm…I guess you are, huh?  I’m not just talking about any one belief or belief system here.  I’m talking religion, politics, sexual orientation, Elvis vs Beatles, Marvel vs DC, Coke vs Pepsi…the works.  And, I’m not talking about any one side of these issues.  Even if you’re on the side of right in an argument, you have to keep your mind open enough to understand that not everyone thinks as you do, no matter how fucking stupid they are.  Because they don’t think like you doesn’t make them wrong on subjective issues.  Everyone’s right from a certain point of view.  They’re just not easily understood by everyone else. (Edit to add:  Atheists and Agnostics, for people who don’t believe, or believe in nothing, you guys tend to be pretty vocal.  Quit stirring things up!  You’re as bad as the Bible-thumping TurboChristians!)

See...this is a good time to stop spending!

8.  People Living Beyond Their Means – What the hell are you doing?  Then again, if you could express it, I guess I would understand you.  But, seriously?  You know what you’re bringing in, and you know what can go out.  If what’s going out is more than what you’re bringing in, you need to stop putting out (heh.)  It’s simple mathematics.  I know you want a Maserati and an 8ball and a good driving hooker, but you can’t have these things unless you can afford them.  I’ve seen it over and over again, and I keep seeing it.  Look…if you’re struggling to feed your kids, you don’t get to go to Disneyworld this year, and that’s the end of the discussion. 

Yes...pin all your hopes on him, so that you can all share his failure!

7.  Angry Sport Parents – Settle down, damn it!  Can’t you watch your kids play ball without foaming at the mouth?   Personally, I love watching videos of parents losing it at children’s sports competitions.  Do these people not seem incredibly stupid to you?  They do to me!  Even if a ref or an umpire made a bad call, keep your seat, please.  There’s no need to storm the field like you’re on the set of Braveheart and try to cleave someone’s head with a Claymore!  I wonder if the people involved in such things go on YouTube to see their behavior and still think they’re justified?   Look, I’m not talking about rushing the place if your child is in danger…that’s totally understandable.  But starting a riot over a ball just outside the strike zone is overkill, and in this media age, you WILL be recorded acting like a viking at a Little League game.  See you on the news!  Oh, and lay off your damn kids, too!  If you couldn’t get a home run when you were a kid, don’t badger your kid about it!

This cat serves at the door to hell. Which is it's smelly ass litterbox.

6.  Cat Lovers – I want you to look at your “pet”.  You don’t have a pet.  You have a self important lesser demon living with you, I don’t care how affectionate the damn thing is.  I realize that there are affectionate cats out there.  I’ve seen them.  Hell, I’ve owned them.  But, nine times out of ten, that’s not the case.  Crazy cat ladies, you’re excused.  You know what you’re getting into, and that’s fine.  Knock yourself out.  Frankly, if I wanted something haughty that wouldn’t listen to me, and I only saw movement from when I fed it, I’d adopt a surly adolescent person.  And, that’s what cats remind me of.  And, the age old argument that cats are smarter than dogs holds no water with me.  Sure, cats are smart, but when do they demonstrate it?  Finding new ways to destroy your house, or new ways to harrass your other pets.  I’ll take Sea Monkeys, thanks.

Damn kid! Get off my lawn! Oh, wait...you're okay!

5.  Young People – Damn kids!  GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!  I’ve read article after article about how younger generations are smarter than the generation preceding them.  That’s great!  Let’s see them exercise it, already?!  I’m not just talking about fashion, here, okay.  I understand the fad and it’s appeal to younger people.  I wore shit when I was a kid that made my parents want to throw up.   Perhaps I’ve forgotten that as I’ve gotten older.  But, I look at these kids now, and I just do not get it.  If you want to wear a hat, put the goddamn thing on right!  The only reason a teenager needs a fucking cell phone is when they’re old enough to head out on their own!  PULL UP YOUR PANTS!   I’ll lay off music (if you can call it that), because that’s an age old argument that won’t be settled here.  It’s simply a matter of taste.  I guess all of my problems concerning younger people are just that…a matter of aging tastes.  Doesn’t mean that I understand kids any more than I’ve claimed to here, though.  And, I’ll take a swing at any one of them with my cane if they get too close to me.

Words fail me.

4.  Twilight Fans – Ah…you knew it was coming, right?   Look, I’m all for a book or set of books that gets people to read.  That’s great!  But, Goddamnit!  Look at what you’re reading?  Look at what you’re fawning over?!  You follow this girl in this passive aggressive relationship that is based solely on the principle that they’re together as long as he can fight the temptation to KILL HER!  I’ve read part of one of the books.  Then I took a shower and thoroughly washed my eyeballs.  To this day, they remain unclean…so unclean.  The books are not well written, and the movies are laughably bad, with some of the worst dialogue and acting I’ve ever seen.  So, WHY?  Why do hordes of women of varying ages cling to this so tightly?  To quote my mother, after she saw New Moon “That was complete and utter shit.”  And now, I’ve made myself nauseated even talking about it for this long.  Enjoy your crap books and films, ladies…I’ll be in the corner, not understanding you as fans. (Not as women…That’s coming later.)

Settle down, buddy. It's not that bad, I assure you.

3.   Angry People – Sure, we all get a little mad sometimes, and to be fair, I’ve not seen much of this phenomenon outside of the military.  Why are there people who, for no outside reason, are just pissed off all the fucking time?  I know I come off that way, but I’m not really angry nonstop.  Is your life so bad that you hate everyone?  That’s not been the case when I’ve encountered this.  In fact, most of the people I know who act like this have things pretty good.  They’re just…MAD!  Everyone gets mad at some time.  That’s just the way things are.  For some normal people, that can be a couple of times a day.  I’m talking about hate filled, bilious people who have only that mode going on.  Stop, angry person.  Stop yelling and trying to destroy all those around you!  Sit down.  Have a Little Debbie.  Take a deep breath, and come back to us when you’re no longer homicidal!  Okay?  More like as not, however, these people resent that you say they’re overly angry.  Fuck em, I say, and move on.  Like I’m doing here.    

Yeah. All you on the globe. I don't get you.

2.  People In General – Hey…how you doing?  Look, I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me, and I’m okay with that.  People, as a group, I just don’t understand.  I don’t think I’m made to understand them.  A person, sure, for the most part.  You can see their motivation, speak to them as to why they do what they do, what they like, who’d they screw.   But, a crowd?  The population as a whole?  I think that because I don’t understand folks may be why I wrote this piece in the first place.  Bush jr for two terms?  Paul Blart:  Mall Cop as the number one movie?  Pepsi over RC?  I don’t get it.  And, that’s the rub.  Because I don’t get them, they won’t get me.  I’ve come to terms with it long ago, and because I don’t understand almost any group, that doesn’t mean I can’t get along with you.  Except the Twilight Lovers.  Ugh.  No, I’m kidding.  You get in where you fit in.  That’s what I’m doing, and I’m a happier person for it.

I don't know what they're cheering for, but I bet it would scare me.

1.  Women – Could there have been any other group, when you started reading this, that would occupy the number one spot?   Only, this time, I’m at peace with not understanding this group.  And, it has nothing to do with feminine mystique, or intuition, or any bullshit that can be concocted to explain some of the batshit things women do.   Personally, I think women are awesome BECAUSE they’re so unpredictable.  Yes, I’m making generalizations here.  But, it seems to me that say…liking something one day, and then turning around and hating it the next is slightly unexplainable, no matter what logic you apply.  I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just saying I don’t understand it.  And, past a certain point, I don’t want to.  In a group as diverse as this, you can’t single out anyone trait to speak on, but you know where I’m coming from.  What I do find odd, is that you almost never see women saying that they don’t understand men.  They don’t understand us any better than we understand them, but they’ve got the smarts to simply not state it out loud (and I’m not talking about bullshit articles in women’s magazines).  I’m not trying to spark off a debate over which group is better.  I don’t think either has the upper hand, and that’s the way I like it.  All I’m saying is that I don’t get it.  I’ll never get it.  I’m okay with IT, whatever IT is.   

So, here’s a post describing my ignorance in massive detail.  Groups of people I don’t understand, and in some cases, I don’t want to understand.  Doesn’t make them wrong, and I can’t say I’m right, because I’ve already stated that I don’t get it.  I’m also not trying to start any fights, as I’ve already said on this site, I’m a lover, not a fighter. (Honestly, I’m not proficient at either, but I claim lover on my taxes, so that’s what I’m going with.)  And, there’s not much to get riled up over on here.  No, I don’t like cats, or Twilight, or unexplained rage, but I also don’t understand those things, and that’s all I’m saying.  So, read, relax, and then forget about it.  I already have!

Ohhh...so that's where rollergirls come from.

I’ve fallen a little behind in my postings.  Perhaps it’s because I’m getting older.  Perhaps it’s because my daughter’s getting older.  Both are reasons to be driven to distraction, but I’m trying to get on top of things again.  I have to say that it was easier to find daddies and their girls than it was to find fathers and sons.  Maybe because the dynamic offers so many ways to be more dramatic.  It’s like my father told me when he found out I was having a daughter “When you have a son, all you have to worry about is that one boy.  When you have a daughter, you have to worry about all the other boys out there.”  Right or wrong,  fathers and daughters in popular media make for compelling viewing.  Some of my favorites after the jump.

Young lady! As soon as you stop wallcrawling...you're grounded!

10.   Peter and May Parker – I guess we should start with a somewhat obscure one.  From the M2 Marvel Universe comes the future of the Spider-Man franchise, with Spider-Girl!   The reason I liked the book so much is that May Parker showed something that Spider-Man had been missing for years.  She had all the troubles of a super-hero coupled with the problems of being a teenage girl.  And, I need my Spider comic book to center on someone who’s having problems.  Spider-Man is still around, but he’s missing a leg, and constantly worried about his little girl, who, it turns out, is just as compentent as her old man.  If you get the chance to read it, you could do a lot worse than checking out Spider-Girl.

Whoa...great haircuts all around for these two, huh?

9.  John Kramer (Jigsaw) and Amanda Young – Is there not a more twisted father/daughter relationship anywhere?  John Kramer, or Jigsaw is a serial killer with a different take on things.  He engineers traps for those he feels are wasting their lives.  In the end, they end up killing themselves (usually through inaction) trying to escape his traps.  In the first film, the only survivor shown onscreen is Amanda Young, who was apparently so happy to still be alive that she joined Jigsaw as his apprentice.  The relationship plays out through several movies, but the main point is Amanda’s fierce loyalty to John.  A quality, you’ll find, that he brings out in a lot of people.

Do as you're told, or I'll touch your daemon!

8.  Lord Azrael and Lyra Belacqua – In the His Dark Materials trilogy, this pair are probably the furthest from an actual father/daughter team that y0u’ll see on this list.  Lyra goes through most of the first book not knowing who her father is, and when she tries to rescue him at the end of the book, he repays her by killing her best friend.  What an asshole.  He doesn’t acknowledge her as anything but a nuiscance until the last book, when he begins to see her worth, and gives his life to further hers.  You’ll notice I’m not mentioning Lyra’s mother Mrs. Coulter…mostly because she’s such a bitch, but a least she has a heart, something Lord Azrael can’t claim.

Yes...this was the BEST picture I could find.

7.  Angelo and Lisa Provolone – Oscar is one of my favorite underrated films.  I love everyone’s performance in it, including Sylvester Stallone’s.  What?  I’m not ashamed!   Playing his daughter Lisa is Marisa Tomei, and the ONLY character who isn’t impressed that Angelo is a bigtime gangster.  When Lisa lays a pregnancy scare on Angelo, he must find the father, the exchaffeur Oscar.  That’s just a small part of the movie, and if you haven’t seen it, you might me missing something you could fall in love with.  I’ll say this for these two.  It’s more than a little funny to watch Angelo give to his daughter all the grief that his father gave to him.

If Agent Smith were your dad, you'd be a badass, too.

6.  Elrond and Arwen – Confession time, I suppose.  I haven’t read all of The Lord of the Rings.  However, I’ve read The Hobbit several times.  One of the cooler characters shown is Elrond, who immediately commands respects from the ragtag group of stingy ass dwarves.  In the Lord of the Rings films, Elrond’s daughter Arwen is shown what I’m given to understand is a bigger role than in the books.   She’s pretty badass, all told.  At least in the first movie.  After that, she’s kinda the reason I fastforward through the elf scenes.   Whoa!  Was that another confession?  Shit…I’m going to lose my nerd card after all that.  The last scene with these two together in it, though, where Elrond is handing her off to Aragorn?  That shit gets me everytime!

A true argument for birth control.

5.  Lestat de Lioncourt and Claudia – The Vampire Lestat, bastard that he is, helps create a vampire from of his protege Louis’s victims.  A six year old little girl named Claudia.  Lestat loves her like a daughter early on, while she still learns from him how to kill, etc.  That’s the only real beauty in Interview With The Vampire, and you have to read other books to find out.  Interview is told from Louis’s point of view, and the later book are all from Lestat.  You can’t be certain of anything you’re reading, all told.  Claudia finds a way to rid herself and Louis of Lestat, and she gives it the old college try, but Lestat eventually finds them, and with a little help from Armand, manages to rid his world of the sixty-odd year old woman in a six year old’s body.  In other books, you discover that he’s filled with remorse about this.

My, what a big book you've got there, grandma.

4.  Rupert Giles and Buffy Summers – Speaking of vampires, the second pair on this list that isn’t blood related are a pair of vampire killers!  Giles, the Watcher and Buffy, the Slayer have a mission in life.  Just one.  Rid the world of evil when they can.  Buffy’s quite good at it too, but she needs help and training from librarian Giles.  But, that’s not all she needs.  You see, unlike other characters I’ve talked about, it’s implicitly stated that Buffy’s biological father is still around, he just doesn’t seem that interested in her or her troubles.  When Buffy needs a father, she turns to Giles, and he provides that role in spades.   The great thing about Giles, however, is that while he does what he can to ease Buffy’s life, he’s not above making things difficult for her as an object lesson, and more often than not, she’s a better person for it.

Mmmmm...pi. Er, pie.

3.  Homer and Lisa Simpson – Have you ever noticed, on The Simpsons, that most of the familial relationships in the show are father/daughter and mother/son?  Rarely do you get an episode which focuses on what’s going on between Bart and Homer that doesn’t devolve into strangling of some sort.   And, when Lisa and Homer are at odds, it makes me uncomfortable, much like when Bart and Marge don’t get along.  Lisa makes allowances for her father’s lowered IQ, and Homer finds a way to, at time, impart some much needed worldweariness to his daughter, who, I think, will live up to all his expectations of her.  One day, she will be president and win the Nobel prize in kickboxing. Homer and Lisa’s relationship has, through the years, provided the show with a center that would have been missed, had it not been present.

The only person who can call her Jean and get away with it.

2.  Atticus and Jean Louise (Scout) Finch – To Kill A Mockingbird may well be the only book that I was forced to read that I was happy about.  So far as a piece of literature goes, it paints a southern tableau of Americana and has joined the ranks of popular media as one of the best stories ever produced by this or any other country.  At the heart of this is the relationship between it’s most memorable character, aging lawyer Atticus Finch, and the narrator, his daughter, Scout.  The story of racial injustice is as compelling as anything else you might read in your life, but the hook that makes certain you stay to hear the message is how good a father Atticus is to Scout and her older brother Jem.   There’s a reason that Atticus Finch is the American Film Institute’s number 1 hero of all time, and it’s a privilege to see him through his daughter’s eyes, making him larger than life, and yet still familiar as a human being.

Bet you can't tell which one is which, huh?

1.  Keith and Veronica Mars – Yes, I struggled about this, I certainly did.  So, how did a pair from a cancelled UPN teenage girl detective show beat out the greatest popular hero of our times?  The answer is that I know these two.  When you watch Veronica Mars, a show that is easily as complex as Twin Peaks was, without being nearly as confusing, you get the sense that you know disgraced sheriff turned local private investigator Keith Mars and his daughter Veronica.   He knows his daughter’s limitations, he treats her like a person, and he guides her through life, ultimately providing her with a setting in which she can make her own decisions.   Not all of them are the right decisions, but you can bet when Veronica does something wrong, it’s her father’s voice she hears in her head.  Through the first season, the question of Veronica’s paternity comes up, and when that was resolved, it still remains one of my favorite single scenes in TV history.  I can’t recommend this show highly enough, and not simply because both Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon act in the second season.

Well, there’s ten pairs of fathers and daughters for you to think about.  Again, with this list, much like other, there was plenty of source material, and I will revisit this someday.  Of course, this was done for my daughter’s birthday, and while I hope that she one day grows up and ignores most of what I had to say here, I hope she can remember that I love her, and I always wanted the best for her.  Y’know…just like Keith Mars!

Ah...marriage. Something truly evil for these two to deal with.

Typically speaking, a demon is a bad thing.  Not so on some of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it’s superior spinoff, Angel.  What’s that?  You don’t think Angel was better than Buffy?  Write your congressman!  This is my blog!  Anyways, I’ve decided to include some of the purer demons on this list, instead of half demons like Doyle or even the vampires.  Some of them had very limited screen time (in one case here, roughly five seconds), and some were around for years.  Either way, they made an impression on me, and so, let’s look at some demons after the jump!

Awwww...look at the little guy!

10.  Unnamed Sewer Demon – He was onscreen for less than ten seconds, but he was so cute!  I felt so damn sorry that after his brush with fame, he was taken out by Gio and the rest of Gunn’s old gang in the Angel episode “That Old Gang of Mine“.  The rest of the episode isn’t all that great, but this little guy’s (Sorry, he was actually huge) small appearance almost left me in tears.  Mostly because they’d already telegraphed what was about to happen to him.  Unlike most of Buffy, not all of the demons in LA in Angel are bad, and this guy certainly wasn’t, as Wesley points out.  Sorry little guy.  I wish we could have gotten to know you a little better.

Antlers and slime. Spike didn't exaggerate on those facts.

9.  Unnamed Chaos Demon – Sure, he’s all antlers and slime, but he caught the vampire Drusilla’s eye, proving once again that any alternative to Spike is a good one.  (Disagree?  See above statement about congressman).  Again he has very little screen time, but he seems so pathetic there holding his beer and trying to seem cool while Spike and Drusilla argue in front of him.  The episode he appears in is one of the better ones (Fool For Love), and you’ll remember the guy after the episode is over.  Unfortunately, they never showed what he was capable of.  Damn it.

Heh...Loan shark. HA!

8.  Teeth (Bro’os) the Loan Shark – They never say what kind of demon he is, but once you get a look at him, I don’t think it really matters.  He’s a loan shark (Oh..I get it.  No, it’s clever.  Really!) who Spike owes some kittens to over a game of poker. (I’m not making that up.  I’m not that creative.)  Take a look at his picture.  How do you think that thing would sound?  Yep, he pretty much sounds like he looks.  In the Buffy episode Tabula Rasa, he got up to all sorts of shenanigans when Buffy, the Scoobies and Spike all lost their memories.  It’s a decent episode, but had the misfortune of following perennial fan favorite Once More With Feeling.  That’s like going on stage to sing after Krisitn Chenoweth has just shaken the rafters with…well, it doesn’t really matter, does it? 

Do not taunt the Fear Demon.

7.   Gachnar the Fear Demon -  In one of Buffy’s better episodes, Fear, Itself, a demon was accidentally raised and wreaked all kinds of havoc at a college party.  Everyone had to face their worst fears, and this demon fed on that.  Yeah, this is the episode where we find out that exdemon Anya’s greatest fear is, of course, bunnies.  None of that was the point, however, as the episode wound to a close, and we find out that horribly frightening things can come in very small packages.  Gachnar the Fear Demon is roughly three inches tall.  After reading that, you care to take a guess as to how Buffy vanquished him?  That’s right.  She squished him like a bitty bug.

Does it look like he needs any more skin conditions?

6.  Sahjhan – Oh, we’re getting up there in power, now, ain’t we?  First sighted in the Angel episode Offspring, this demon is constantly up to no good.  However, there’s not a whole lot he can do directly, as all of Sahjhan’s species of demon, the Granok, was made incorporeal by evil lawfirm Wolfram and Hart(Who I would totally go work for, if they existed).  He can, however, skip about through time and various dimensions, which is how he knows that Angel’s son Connor is prophecied to kill him.  And, he’ll get around to it too.  The reason he’s so high on my list?  I love the way he talks.  Since he skips about in time, he’s picked up some odd vernacular, and isn’t afraid to use slang anachronistically.   He also deals Angel one of the toughest blows the 250 yr old vampire had to deal with by allowing one of Angel’s enemies escape into a hell dimension with Connor, Angel’s son.  Good stuff!

What big teeth you have, grandma!

5.  The Gentlemen – I swear to God, these guys creeped me out wholly the first time I saw them, and they continue to do so.  In a memorable episode of Buffy called Hush, The Gentlemen were the big bad that rendered the entire town of Sunnydale without speech.  Why would they do that?  Well they needed to harvest MacGuffins…sorry, human hearts and, apparently, a screaming slayer makes their heads explode, and no one gabs more than Buffy.  Okay, that’s an oversimplification.  But, do you remember these guys?  They didn’t walk anywhere, they floated!  It creeps me out just to think of it!  I, for one, was sad to see them go because we never saw them again.  And, the episode, Hush, is one of the best hours of TV I ever watched, no matter what genre it was.

You...uh...got a little something on your head, there.

4.  Skip – One of the scarier looking demons that ever graced a TV screen, Skip, was, for all intents and purposes a good aligned demon whose job it was to keep half demon Billy in a fiery hellcage(That Vision Thing).  Like the evil little bastard he was guarding, Skip turned out to be more than he appeared.  He made two appearances where he claimed to work for The Powers that Be (don’t ask), and then he just turned out to be an asshole.  That’s okay, though.  His goofy mode of speech and manners made him likeable for the times when we thought he was good.  His conversation with Angel about his twenty minute morning commute is still one of the funnier things I’ve ever heard.

Congratulations. You beat the bad guy in a completely hollow victory.

3.  Sweet – Here’s where things get sticky.  Rabid Buffy fans who claim that Once More With Feeling is their favorite episode of the show claim that Sweet(actual name is never given) is the best bad guy ever.  I’m not one to make waves (riiiiiight), but I disagree, and not just because I want to be different.  For all that argument, however, they make a powerful point.  Charismatic and just up to no good, this demon’s modus operandi is to make people sing until their emotions get the better of them so bad that they burst into flame.  No one…no villain except maybe Angelus has hurt Buffy and the Scoobies as fundamentally as Sweet did when they were forced to reveal all the secrets and emotions that they would normally keep to themselves.  In the end, they run him off (kinda), but not before he delivers one of the best sarcastic lines of all time:  “Say you’re happy NOW…once more with feeling.”

CLEM ROCKS!!!

2.  Clem – My single favorite demon on Buffy was the hound faced Clem, and I used to watch the show hoping for an episode he’d turn up in.  You see, unlike Sweet, who was a one time bad guy, Clem was a go-to guy for Buffy, and perhaps the one case of a demon NOT being a villain on the show.  He made several appearances, and my favorite was in his first, Life Serial, mostly because he’s playing kitten poker.  I would play kitten poker.  Granted, I wouldn’t eat the kittens, but maybe I’d lose to Clem on purpose.  He’s just such a stand up guy.  The last time we see him, he’s on his way out of town, and for good reason.  It’s not long after the Sunnydale is completely destroyed.   I remember when Buffy was first run, actually bouncing up and down and clapping everytime Clem would turn up.  Y’know…I still do that when I watch the DVDs.  That’s how cool he is.  Clem!

The coolest demon of all time. Nothing more needs to be said.

1.  Lorne – Lorne, or The Host, or Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan is my favorite out of all the demons ever presented in either Buffy or Angel.  Green skin, red eyes and horns, and one hell of a killer voice…and, for all that, he was the most human of anyone in the cast of chracters on Angel.   You’ll notice that I haven’t mentioned the names of the actors who played these demons up to this point, but here, I feel I have to.  Andy Hallett was a grounding force on that show, and it can’t have been easy for him to be in that makeup day in and day out, and yet, through all the makeup, if Lorne was in a good mood, you were in a good mood.  If he was disappointed, you were disappointed.  It was a masterful acting job by a truly gifted young actor, and the art world is a worse place without his voice or other talents in it.  Back to Lorne, however.  He was an anogogic demon who could read parts of your destiny in your aura as you sang.  He ran a karaoke bar called Caritas until Angel and his group found ways to destroy his bar not once, but three times!   In the final episode Not Fade Away, Angel asked Lorne to kill the human Lindsey MacDonald, which Lorne did with one caveat.  He told Angel that he was leaving forever, and wanted nothing further to do with him or his mission.  It’s all there on the screen.  When Lorne kills Lindsey, you can see part of him die too.   He was one of the reasons I kept coming back to Angel, and he’s one of the best reasons to watch the show, if you’ve not seen it yet.

There’s my top ten.  I love these guys!  Some are good, and some are bad, but I remember all of them after the episodes they appeared in.  Hell, Lorne was on Angel for YEARS, and the show was much better for it.  If you haven’t seen these shows, if you’ve been resisting for some reason, give them a try (though season one of Buffy is very, very rocky) and I think you’ll find that if you keep your mind open, you’ll be entertained.  As for me, I’m in the middle of rewatching Angel, so I think I’ll get back to it.  What can I say…I’m a Joss Whedon fan.

Not the toad I meant, bu...ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!

You know, ThatCostumeGirl and I argued over whether or not to call this group of people Lackeys or Toadies.  Turns out, they mean almost the same thing, really.  There is enough difference, however, that it looks like she won.  So, Toadies it is!  Besides, it’s the cooler sounding term anyways.  Now, there will be some on the list that you disagree with.  Indeed, there are some that start out as toadies, and then distinguish themselves otherwise further in the story.  For however brief a time, however, they were all in glorious servitude, and happy to be so!  So, here they are in rank order:  My Favorite Toadies, after the jump!

The inspiration for Frank Miller's That Yellow Bastard.

10.  Chester the Terrier (Looney Tunes) – Most people my age were introduced to the concept of a toady via Chester the Terrier in Looney Tunes.  He’s the fawning sparkplug to bowler hat wearing Spike the Bulldog.   The reason he’s at 10?  Well, he doesn’t stay a toady for long.  He invariably proves himself in the cartoons to be the superior tough dog, and indeed, Spike becomes his toady at the end of whatever short the two appear in.  That’s the good thing about most toadies:  Room to grow into your own person!  Or dog.

Pay no attention to the albino up front.

9.  Crabbe and Goyle (Harry Potter) – Misunderstood villain Draco Malfoy couldn’t be the simpering bad guy that he is without oafish help, and he gets it in this pair of brainless dickheads.  They blindly follow Malfoy no matter what he’s up to, though they prove astonishingly easy to deal with throughout the Harry Potter series.  So much so, that they are only seen or heard speaking with their own voices in only one of the seven volume Harry Potter series.  One of them…I won’t say who, has a sticky end in the last book, mostly because he fails to do as his leader commands.  Get too greedy, and see what happens?  You get burnt!  Damn!  Adolescence is hard to swallow in those books!

BLARGH! KILL IT!

8.  Blix (Legend) – The Prince of Darkness has a go-to guy in his employ to destroy the last pair of unicorns…a green goblin by the name of Blix, who gets one of the better lines in the entire movie.  When asked by his boss how black his heart is, Blix replies “Black as midnight, black as pitch.  Blacker than the foulest witch.”  Is that not cool?  He turns out to be surprisingly effective, mostly because he can move about in the day time, where his master can not.  Not only does he snatch a unicorn’s horn, he manages to capture a second unicorn alive so that his master can kill it at his leisure.  That’s pretty useful for a little green goblin, I think.

Renfield demonstrates that HE'S NUMBER ONE!

7.  Renfield (Dracula) – Ah!  Everyone’s favorite bug eating thrall!  Renfield’s story, in my opinion, is one of the more compelling parts of Bram Stoker’s novel of blood drinking evil, and, for some reason, it’s the first thing that gets cut or short shrift in almost any film adaptation.  All the man wants for his servitude, ultimately, is to be made into a vampire.  That, or a full grown cat.  Pretty cheap, so far as wages go!  What he wants to do with the cat is best left to the imagination, but since I’m no fan of cats myself, I say get in where you fit in, bugeater!

Alcoholic plastic surgeons don't come no better!

6.  Dr. Einstein (Arsenic and Old Lace) – Now, I’ve professed my love for this movie time and again, and one of the bigger reasons for this is Peter Lorre’s flawless performance as an alcoholic, impressionable plastic surgeon, forever on call to master serial killer Jonathon Brewster.  While he goes out of his way to try and save brother Mortimer from Jonathon’s evil clutches, he comes around and helps subdue Cary Grant before it’s over.  Hey!  If you had to work for someone who you accidentally made look like Boris Karloff, you’d be an alcoholic too!  I don’t think I was ever happier to see a character escape in any film I’ve ever seen.  And, he does so with a grateful smile on his face, just having walked through a sea of policemen to do so!

One crazy bitch. And I dig that about her, baby!

5.  Amanda Young (Saw) – As far as toadies go, it’d be nice to have one that looks as good as Shawnee Smith does, right?  Well, as good as she usually looks outside the Saw film franchise at any rate.  Amanda is shown to us in the first film as the only survivor of Jigsaws machinations, and later as a second time victim.  Of course, knowing what we know about the films, turns out she’s a more than willing pawn and student of Jigsaw’s.  She gets up to her own shenanigans, for which the penalty is quite severe, in the third movie.  Consequently, if you’ve not seen the first three, I recommend them.  They actually get better one after the other, if you can stomach them, which most can’t. 

Nailin' all the ladies that Gaston won't.

4.  LeFou (Beauty and the Beast) – This guy is such a good toadie that he A) sings a song to his boss to convince him just how great he is, and B) stands for an indeterminate amount of time in a snow bank because he was told to.  Why does LeFou do the things he does?  Gaston is a pretty hard influence to say no to, but my guess is castoff ass.  Whatever Gaston doesn’t want, LeFou is there to pick up.  I mean, did you see the Bimbettes? (Hey!  That’s how they’re referred to in the credits!)  You tellin’ me they weren’t sleeping with LeFou to get to Gaston?  You explain it then!?

Keep smilin'. Ralphie says you're next.

3.   Grover Dill (A Christmas Story) – He is identified by name as a toady in the movie.  His part in the bully structure is made perfectly clear, when he takes a sock to the shoulder from Scut Farkus.  Yet, he beats on the rest of the cast with impugnity.  Ah, the life of a toady at Christmas time.  While Ralphie describes Grover’s teeth as green, they are shown not to be so.  Then again, this comes from adult Ralphie who’s narrating the whole thing, showing that your childhood memories, especially when it comes to toadies, may not be reliable.  Besides, didn’t Ralphie serve up a heaping bowl of expletive laced justice to these two assholes?  Hell yeah, he did!

Abby...someone.

2.  Igor (Frankenstein) – You may be wondering, since this is the second list of mine that he’s appeared on, why I keep using pictures of Marty Feldman from Young Frankenstein for Igor, since it was a a parody film?  Because he’s my favorite Igor, that’s why!   He was THIS close to getting with Madeline Kahn.  He was blissfully unaware of his own hump.  He got the wrong brain for his boss.  And yet, there’s something about him.  He’s my second favorite toady of all time for a reason.  Mostly because while he gets the job done, he does it his own way.  Hmm…I guess that wouldn’t make him a toady at all!   Well, I’ve written too much of this list to replace him now!  Damn it!

Simply the greatest toady of our times.

1.  Waylon Smithers (The Simpsons) – When you started reading the list, you had to know that there was only one choice for number one.  While it might look like a simple case of servitude, Smithers relationship with his boss, C. Montgomery Burns is a complex one.  We find out, for instance, that Burns had a hand in raising Smithers after his father was killed.  Which makes Smithers’s all consuming crush on his boss quite disturbing on many levels.  Smithers, while the best toady in history, has been shown to stand up for certain things he believes in.  Most notable among them, his boss’s plot to steal sunshine from Springfield, and Sideshow Bob’s bid for mayor, because the republican views of his boss conflict with his…lifestyle.  Waylon Smithers!  The best of all the toadies!

While researching this with ThatCostumeGirl, we found out that the plot device of the toady or lackey is a rich and versatile one.  Look for a revisit to this particular top ten sometime in the future.  Mostly when I’ve forgotten to write a piece, or I just need to pull an easy one off.  Wait…no!  I’d never do that!  Nothing but the best for my six readers!  (Hi, cousin Jenny!)

You come in here trying to take my money?! You get burned.

I like dragons.  There, I’ve said it, and I don’t care what the rest of you think.  As a child, I used to sit and doodle dragons all the time.  I think a lot of us did.  Mine were a little strange, though.  I had all the firebreathing, scaly representations you normally see, but some of mine had dog’s heads and bird’s heads.  I had read that Chinese dragons took all kinds of strange forms, and I drew things like that.  The fish head dragon, I’m happy to say, remains buried for everyone’s sanity.  In doing research for this article, however, I”ve found that the dragon seems to by underrepresented!  So, here’s my personal list of my favorite dragons.  I’m certain you won’t agree with some of these, but feel free to tell me yours!  Dragons, after the jump!

Presenting the gayest dragon, ever! What? He's got pink hair for cryin' out loud!

1o.  Elliott (Pete’s Dragon) – Might as well put the weakest one of the bunch here first.  I’m not a huge fan of this movie.  I was forced to watch it as a child several times.  I don’t like the songs.  Does any film really need a musical number called “Passamaquaddy”?  Or, however it’s spelled?   That being said, the movie really is awesome at blending real life and animation.  It’s just never going to be one of my favorites.  As a kid, I did like Elliott, though.  I mean, who wouldn’t want a dragon looking after them?  Elliott sits at number ten, and I’m okay with that.

Get the hell off me!

9.  Saphira (Eragon) – I could jump in line and say how much Eragon sucks.  Truth is, it does.  The book AND the movie.  Having said that, I would also tell you to read it.  Why?  It’s a huge mishmash of nerd love, and Christopher Paolini’s love of his geek upbringing shines on every page.  Not original in the least, but surprising, and not just because it was written by a 15 year old.  The movie is another matter.  There is something interesting about the blue scaled Saphira.  She’s a young, adolescent dragon, prone to hotheadedness (heh), and mistakes.  It’s not something you usually see in this type of literature.  So, she’s on my list, if for no other reason than her trial and error tact in growing up.  Oh…and the second book is much, much improved over the first.

Aww...he's so fugly he's cute! Wait? He's HOW big again?

8.  Falcor (The Neverending Story) – He’s the image you hold with you most after viewing The Neverending Story.  A giant, white, scaly, flying dog!  As Falcor explains, he’s a luck dragon, and he’s on this list (The Neverending Story is an okay movie, but I don’t own it, and have no plans to.) because he’s such a strange looking entry.  He doesn’t look like a traditional dragon, and indeed, I remember watching the movie just waiting for the next scene he’d show up in!  Man.  I hope any hardcore nerds reading this article haven’t given up because of wimpy dragons at the top of the list!  Falcor at eight, and if you remember The Neverending Story as being a good movie when you saw it as a kid…I’d leave it at that.

Heat your lunch up for you, Mr. Potter?

7.  The Hungarian Horntail (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) – Regardless if you liked the movie or not, you have to admit that Harry’s confrontation with this dragon as part of the Tri-Wizard Tournament was pretty thrilling.  It was hyped as being a very savage, dangerous thing, and when we got to see it, it delivered!  Spouting flame, snarling, jumping it’s chain to get at Harry, I almost hoped the damn thing would get him!  It’s only this low on the list because beyond its savagery it really had no personality.  It was a mindless destructive beast, but man, was it cool to watch!

If ever a dragon needed killing, it's this one.

6.  The Bull (Reign of Fire) – No matter what you think about this movie (and honestly, it could have been better executed), the dragons were pretty badass.  Towards the end of the film you find out that there is only one male, and it’s intelligent!  He demonstrates this by eating Matthew McConnaghey, which, in restrospect, probably wasn’t the smartest thing he could’ve done.  I imagine he tastes kinda nasty.   The Bull is roughly three times bigger than any other dragon we’ve seen in the movie, and twice as dangerous.  So, it’s no wonder that it takes Batman…excuse me, Christian Bale to take him down.  If you’ve not seen this movie, I’d give it a look.

If I had five heads, I'd argue with myself constantly.

5.  Tiamat (Dungeons and Dragons) – The overarching villain, if I recall correctly, in the animated series Dungeons and Dragons was a five headed female dragon named Tiamat.  Our heroes were forever in fear of her, and she only showed up a handful of times.  I don’t really remember that much about her, other than she looks badass!  She can’t have been all that, really, though, because she continuously failed to kill a group of teenagers and their baby unicorn!  I bet Tiamat knows how all the bad guys on Scooby Doo felt, huh?

Pfft...Showoff.

4.  Draco (Dragonheart) – I’m not going to lie to you…Dragonheart is not a good film.  Too violent for kids, and too stupid for adults.  There is something comforting about the old Draco, though.  Perhaps it’s when he’s singing, with Sean Connery’s baritone coming out.  Perhaps it’s his playfulness, as he overacts whenever he’s pretending to have been speared.  Like I’ve said, the movie isn’t all that great, but Draco is a good reason to give it a look.  He was a pretty significant technical achievement, back in the day!

He's travel sized for your convenience!

3.  Mushu (Mulan) – A nondangerous, animated dragon in the top 5?  Hell yes when we’re talking about the Eddie Murphy voiced dragon Mushu!  In Mr. Murphy’s finest voicework (Take THAT Donkey!) Mushu is imbued with a sense of fun and earnestness.  The scene where Mulan first encounters her dragon is one of the funniest things you’ll ever see, as well as Mushu’s interactions with the rest of Mulan’s sidekicks:  Her horse (which he constantly refers to as a cow), and her lucky cricket (Who seems intent on having his say around the loudmouthed dragon, no matter what).  This really was one of Disney’s better outings, I’ve always thought.  And, as Mike (Nick Frost) said on Spaced, it’s the third funniest performance of Eddie’s career!

See what happens when you don't give up the virgins?

2.  Vermithrax Perjorative (Dragonslayer) – ThatCostumeGirl is a big fan of this movie, so we gave it a look recently.  It holds up remarkably well!   The slow buildup to the dragon is not unlike watching Jaws!  You don’t get to see very much of her until the end.  She lives in a lake of fire, though!  How cool is THAT shit?  In the end, she’s an almost unstoppable force, and the way she’s dealt with (The movie is called Dragonslayer, after all…though we find out that’s actually the name of a weapon) is pretty imaginative.  ThatCostumeGirl and I think this movie would be an excellent candidate for a remake, if anyone’s listening?

Aww...the poor guy just wants his belly scratched!

1.  Smaug (The Hobbit) – As a child, whenever I watched the Rankin/Bass animated production of The Hobbit, I remember being terrified of the goblins, but not at all of the wretched worm, Smaug.  That changed when I read the book.  If you’ve done neither, you really should!  It’s the dragon’s worldweary attitude that earns him the number one spot here.  And, when Smaug gives you a warning, you better believe that he means to see it through.  Sure, he kinda goes out like a bitch, but, until then, he’s simply an old badass under the mountain.  When he boasts about himself, it’s hard not to just take him at his word for everything he says!  Smaug!  I can’t wait to see what you look like in the new movie.  A Guillermo Del Toro Smaug?  Yes, please!

Before I go, I’d like to offer up an honorable mention to Shen-ron, the dragon from Dragonball Z.  His voice alone makes him a badass!  However, if he did more than just take up space and hand out wishes, he’d totally be on the list, I promise!

There’s my personal ten, and for all the works they appear in, I’m really reading or watching waiting for the dragons!  Sure, the list is a little light on the back five, but they add a lot to the works they appear in.  In some cases on this list, the dragon is the only reason to check them out! 

No reluctant dragons, here!

Yes, that's my uncle and me...That's me wresting the banana from the stocking. Thanks, Grandma!

Okay, this Top Ten is going to be one of the personal kind (as if most of them aren’t?).  Over the years, I’ve received several things in my stockings, and no, I’m not referring to the fruit and nuts that my Grandmother used to put in there.  Several toys, tools, etc that I’ve personally received that actually influenced what kind of nerd I became when I got all growed up.  My own top ten favorite stocking stuffers throughout the years follows after the jump!

Perfect gift for a 6 year old. Small weapons!

10.  Pocket Knife – When a small boy, there was really one thing I wanted that was in common with the rest of the young men in my family, and that was a pocket knife.  I think I was 7 when I first received one, and it was quickly taken from me.  I suspect this was because my brother was 6 at the time, and really, that was no gift for such a little boy.  I don’t think I ever really got a pure pocket knife ever again.  By the time I was 8, I just didn’t want the damn thing anymore.  Oh well.

Take this, evil TV!!!

9.  Various Nerf Guns – This one will always be a sure win.  No one…NO ONE hates these things.  Everyone loves Nerf!  However, the advent of flat screen, somewhat more elegantly built TVs means you may need to find a better target than some of my favorite shows that I used to shoot at when I first started receiving these things.  You know how many times I “shot” Fox Mulder for getting in the way of me looking at Dana Scully?  A lot, damn it!

One of the best stocking gifts of all time!

8.  Yahtzee – This was another one of those games, like UNO, that my family handed out like it determined whether or not they got into heaven based on volume of Yahtzees given away.  My personal favorite was a handheld electronic version I got a few years ago that even went to Iraq with me.  Probably the most engaging, awesome game to have when you’re…ahem, occupied on the toilet.  Seriously.

I wish I had one in my greasy little hands right now.

7.  Merlin – After my parents divorced, my father made it his job to give his sons the most annoying, noisy gifts he could find.  I suspect that Merlin was a weapon in this regard.  I mean, I loved the thing, but it was noisy for no good reason.  Then again, the best thing it could do was play Tic Tac Toe.  The little light touch buttons have been changed out for big plastic ones with numbers on it on modern versions, making the whole rig look like some ridiculous phone.  So, I’ll stick with my old school version, thanks.

The best gift ever taken away from me. Until IT a few years later, that is.

6.  Stephen King’s Night Shift – On Christmas of my seventh year, I was presented by Santa with a copy of the Stephen King short story collection Night Shift.  I read the hell out of it.  So much so that it was taken away from me in school.  My favorite story when I was that age?  The Boogeyman.  My favorite from the collection these days?  Strawberry Spring.  (And, a small note.  If you can find the audiobook with John Glover reading, you’ve got something really entertaining!)

Fight starter fo' LIFE, Yo! Draw four, bitch!

5.  UNO – Oh sweet UNO deck.  How many fights did you start between me and my brothers?  And how many fights of those did I actually win?  I think your name says it all.  UNO!  Love the game, and this, along with various office supplies I’m certain that my mother was stealing from wherever she worked at the time was a go to gift in my stocking every year.  So much so that I can’t seem to keep from giving both as gifts every year myself.  Including office supplies.  Thanks Mom.

Worst. Electric. Shaver. EVER!

4.  Phaser – From your good friends at Think Geek, and the people who originally came up with the idea on Star Trek the Original Series comes the weapon of choice for the United Federation of Planets, the Phaser!  Frankly, if you just sit around the house with this thing, it’s not that fun.  Take it outdoors, however.  The park, the grocery store, a Star Wars film festival, and you will turn heads.  Whether or not its attention from someone you’d like it to be is entirely up to you and them.

What's that? You need something...ANYTHING repaired? Well look what I got in my pants!

3.  Leatherman – Need a multitool?  How about the first name in them.  Coming from a military maintenance background, this became a small, indispensible thing that it would seem almost everyone might need.  The good thing about them is that they come in a variety of sizes.  The bad thing about them?  They’re ugly as shit, and you WILL look strange with this thing strapped to your side in any kind of workaday life that does not include maintenance of some kind.

MINE! And MINE ONLY! Don't touch!

2.  Rubik’s Magic Puzzle – Almost every Christmas I was given what amounted to a horrible torture device.  Since my family would rather me sit and be quiet, I was given at least one Rubik’s Cube every year.  I’ll be honest with you.  I’ve never, ever solved a damn Rubik’s Cube.  Rubik’s Magic Puzzle, however, became my bitch almost instantly.  I guess there was something to flattening the damn thing out that helped me.  Still one of my favorite toys, but if you ever happen to own one, do NOT, under any circumstances let anyone else play with it.  Not only is it a bit fragile, but it can easily be manipulated in a way that makes it hard to return to normal.

No kidding...this is how women really act when you whip this out. No shit.

1.  PlayStation Portable – A few years ago, when the PSP 1000 became available, I was presented with one, and let me tell you, I’ve used the damn thing for everything!   Based on the size of the Memory Stick Duo that you put in it (the biggest I’ve seen so far is the 16GB, and you can put a LOT of shit on your PSP with 16 gig worth of space) you can put various media onto it.  Music, movies, TV shows, games, audiobooks, etc.  Making it, easily, one of the sexiest, nerdiest toys I’ve ever owned.  If you ever get one, learn to do all you can with it, and it won’t let you down in the clutch. 

So, there’s an even ten.  They’ve all made my Christmases very nice in a very materialistic way.  Frankly, I don’t think Baby Jesus minds that I recommend the PSP or a UNO deck.  Fun is fun, and there’s not one thing on this list I didn’t sit around playing with for days, months, etc after getting it.  And, really, isn’t that what Christmas all about?

Shifty eyed manservants! No wonder they're always being accused of crimes!

Butlers throughout fiction are know for their discretion, their reserve, and their work ethic.  Being good at all these thing doesn’t necessarily mean a good butler, since on the whole, it’s a butler that gives his master a comeuppance of some kind that most people seem to like.  The good thing about this list is that there are so many butlers in all forms of media that I can just keep writing about them if I like.  So, don’t be surprised if I’m quite lazy one day and produce a second part to this list when I can’t think of anything else to do.  Or rather, my manservant can’t come up with one.  (That’s my motto:  Blame the help!)  The best butlers after the jump!

WES.....Leeeeeey...

10.  Mr. Butlertron (Clone High) – Hey, he wasn’t only a buttling robot, he was also Clone High’s vice principal, and a humidifier!  If you didn’t see Clone High before MTV pulled the plug on it, you really did let one of the funniest shows ever made get right past you, and more’s the pity, for you did not know the awesome might of Mr. Butlertron!  He calls everyone Wesley (Yes, I know it’s because he was an obvious parody of Mr. Belvedere, but that doesn’t make it any less funny)!  He has a mortal enemy, the ScanGrade the Magnificent, around which, he seems to have Tourette’s Syndrome!  He wears a magical sweater vest! That’s my kind of butler…and robot! 

I think his bowtie is FABULOUS!!!

9.  Ultimate Jarvis (The Ultimates) – How could I put a comic book butler on this list and it not be Alfred?  Well, first of all, be patient…keep reading, and second, Jarvis is a hoot!  He’s just so…well…GAY!  And the fact that he wears his snazziest waistcoat to serve dinner to Thor and Captain America just so they’ll notice him is FAB-U-LOUS!  Like most of Marvel’s Ultimate universe, Jarvis comes to a sticky end.  Which is total bullshit, because, hey!  Why go to such lengths to make us like someone only to kill….Ohhhh.  I get it now! (That technique is base and vile, and only Joss Whedon can pull it off successfully!)

What? You try finding a picture of Dennis the Butler! That's what I thought.

8.  Dennis (The Eyes of the Dragon) – He’s easily the sweetest, most timid character in this lovely book by Stephen King, but when all is said and done, he almost brings an entire kingdom to it’s knees because of his integrity, and his inability to throw water instead of beating out a fire with his bare hands.  For me, though, Dennis became one of my favorite characters from the novel The Eyes of the Dragon because of his absolute hatred of turnips, and the fact that he would almost rather starve than eat them.  As much integrity as Dennis has in bringing a crime to bear, he has just as much, and goes to great lengths to prove it in setting a huge mistake correct.  Highly recommended, and I don’t think finding this book will be a problem for anyone.

Wipe your feet!

7.  Max Von Mayerling (Sunset Boulevard) – It is very, very hard to find good help these days.  Especially if you’re a washed up actress with a God complex.  Then again, maybe it’s not.  Maybe you could just hire on your ex-husband to do it.  That’s what Norma Desmond does when she keeps Max working for her for years, after he used to be a famous director.  He follows her down into obscurity because he loves her too much to let her go.  So, to be close to her, he becomes her butler.  In the movie, he can be seen cleaning up after her current lover, Joe.  Look, there’s been plenty of women I’ve loved in my life, but none so much that I’m going to those kinds of lengths for them, fuck, and no.

Wow. Looks like Communism really was a red herring.

6.  Wadsworth (Clue) – Did he do it?  Did he not?  Who the hell did it?  Depends on the ending you watch, but one thing’s for certain…Tim Curry is IN this movie, instantly deeming it worth watching.  If it’s not his guests difficulty with his pronunciation of “now” and “no”, it’s his relatively quick paced explanations for what is occuring that certainly helps this movie along.  And, given that it’s a movie based on a board game, you can see where that would help.  So, Ridley Scott, if you’re reading this (HA!), please use this movie as a template when you get around to making your Monopoly film.  Thank you.  And, speaking of Tim Curry… 

Kind of hard on his boss/boss's creations.

5.  Riff-Raff (The Rocky Horror Show, The Rocky Horror Picture Show) – Say you go to all the trouble to write one of the coolest musicals ever, and a big movie is going to be made of it.  You’d like to be in it…but where do you fit?  Why, as the damn butler, of course.  Then again, Riff’s more of a handyman than a butler.  When all the cards are played, he’s not even that!  Richard O’Brien did manage, however, to steal entire scenes from one of the best villains of all time, Dr. Frank N. Furter.  When you can do that, when you can actually steal scenes from Tim Curry in drag?  Then you sir, are a talent to be dealt with!

You rrrrang...Aw, fuck it. Whattyawant?!

4.  Lurch (The Addams Family) – If the family is weird as hell, their butler should be too, right?  Not this time.  Lurch, who looks like some kind of horrible science experiment gone awry is easily the most human, most normal member of the Addams clan.  And, they love him just like a member of the family.  I guess if butlers are hard to find, then good harpsichordists are probably much harder.  After giving the series a new review, and watching Ted Cassidy’s performance as Lurch, I was surprised about just how many episodes seem to focus on the butler’s love life.  Whatever he was doing, it was good television.

Comes in, throws cape on the floor! What does Master Bruce think I am, his butler?!

3.  Alfred Pennyworth (Batman) – The closest thing that Bruce Wayne has to a father is English butler and field medic Alfred, and my favorite incarnation of him (besides the hardass from the actual comic book) is the current movie incarnation of him, Michael Caine.  Why would he be my choice?  Well, he doesn’t take shit from Bruce, number one.  He’s the element in the films that seems to ground Batman and keep him wholly human.  He also would appear to do the work of ten damn men, what with taking care of the mansion, the cave, cooking, cleaning, and sewing up Bruce whenever he takes it on the chin.  He might not be the best butler, but he’s probably the most badass on this list.

Gayer than a Christmas cookie.

2.  Lynn Belvedere (Belvedere, Sitting Pretty, Mr. Belvedere Goes to College, Mr. Belvedere Rings the Bell, Mr. Belvedere) – From book to big screen to successful TV series, Mr. Lynn Belvedere is one of the better known (besides Jeeves, and I’m not a Wodehouse fan, so you won’t see him here) butlers in popular media history.  So popular that I’m certain the hate mail will flow for his not being at the number one spot on the list.  Tough shit!  Get your own website and you can put whoever you want on it.  As for me, I find this butler charming in all incarnations, but none more so than we he was played by master actor and old queen Clifton Webb.  His method for getting a baby to stop throwing food?  Throw it right back on him!  There’s a lot to be said for the TV series, but Sitting Pretty has long been one of my favorite movies, and so, has my heart when it comes to the old, misplaced butler.

And yet, Godfrey wouldn't tap her. He's a better man than me, that's all I can say for him.

1.  Godfrey Park  (My Man Godfrey) – To win a scavenger hunt, a pair of sisters come to the local dump looking for a “forgotten man”, or, if you please, a filthy hobo bum to parade about a hotel in a drunken stupor.  When the first man they come to pushes the older sister, Cornelia (Gail Patrick…sigh…) in an ashpile for being a bitch, the younger sister, Irene (Carole Lombard) manages to convince the dirty bum beggar to accompany her and win.  She becomes smitten with him and his disease ridden set of whiskers, that she hires him as the family butler.  But, there’s much more to Godfrey than a nickel for bottle of Thunderbird, yes sir!  And, that’s all I’m going to tell you about him.  It’s one of the funniest movies ever made, and because I like you, my six readers (Hi, Grandaddy!) so much, I’ll show you where you can find it.  Hell, just watch the opening credits and tell me you don’t want to see the rest of it!

I suppose you might want to know the reason I would write a piece about butlers.  The truth is, when Dr. Horrible was coming to DVD, the powers that be behind it held a video contest to join the Evil League of Evil.  ThatCostumeGirl came up with The Butler, because the people have a right to know just why the butler was always doing it.  Evil, I mean, not sex.  That would have been an entirely different movie.  So, here it is, our Evil League of Evil application video, made with no budget, no means, barely any talent, but a lot of love…I present, The Butler:

I guess Santas don't get much more alternative than this.

Sure, there are plenty of Christmas movies out there, and for the most part…well, they suck!  There’s a scant handful that are worth a damn, and every year about this time they’re rammed down our throat until we want to barf eggnog.  And not even good eggnog, but the Wal Mart special eggnog.  So, here’s a list of ten of my favorite films that happen to take place around Christmas, but aren’t inherently Christmas movies.

BWAH!!! Terrifying!

10.  Hansel and Gretel - I’m not certain why this Korean horror film is called Hansel and Gretel, but, I’ll tell you this…it’s one of the creepier Christmas films ever.  Apparently these three creepy kids hang out in this creepy house in the woods and they wait for adults to show up and then they make them stay with them, or they send them to the cornfield.  Okay, they don’t do that…but that same Twilight Zone vibe is there.  Why is this on the alternative Christmas films list?  Something bad happened to the little bastards on Christmas.  No other reason, really.  I just wanted to slip an Asian horror film on the list to get the word out.  It’s actually very good, so if you get a chance, take a look at it.  And stay out of the goddamn woods!

Go on, pitch the little bastard over...no one's looking.

9.  Sleepless in Seattle – What’s that?  A chick flick?  And not just any chick flick…but one of the essentials?  Hell and yes.  Not only does Tom Hanks give one of his best comedic performances in this film, but Meg Ryan has almost certainly never looked hotter.  If you ask me, that’s saying something.  But, the events that kick off the entire film take place on…That’s right, Christmas!  How do you know?  Because Meg Ryan is in her car singing “Horses, horses, horses” over and over again like some Rain Man-esque retard!   Still, this movie is worth seeing for Tom Hanks tearful description of The Dirty Dozen if for no other reason.

Mmmm...beard ham...

8.  Trading Places - Where else are you going to see Dan Ackroyd steal ham from a buffet table in a filthy Santa suit?  Nowhere, that’s where!  The best thing this film has going for it…well, two things, actually, are Jamie Lee Curtis’s tits!  No, I’m kidding.  You’ve got a big, comedic cast with Ralph Bellamy, Don Ameche, Eddie Murphy, Dan Ackroyd and Jamie Lee.  But seriously…she shows her boobs.  Okay, that’s not the only reason to watch it.  Senator Al Franken is in the film too.  Teasing a gorilla.  There…there’s all the reason you need to watch this Christmas classic.  And Jamie Lee’s cans.

Cast of Rent? More like a Kryptonian Star Chamber! Am I right, nerds?

7.  Rent – Speaking of gay sex…oh, wait, we weren’t doing that at all.  Sorry, I got this Top Ten mixed up with Hot Nerd Mancrush.  Rent takes place in the year spanning from December 25th 1989 to December 25th 1990, and the changes it wreaks on an apartment building.  Yes, I understand that people only look at it as a gay film.  That’s a mistake.  Not everyone in the movie is gay…but most of them do have AIDS.  So, if you’re looking for an analog, go with “Everyone Has AIDS” from Team America.  Still, there’s some lovely songs and wonderful acting to be found in this film.  Anthony Rapp’s dancing not included.

And over there is where we burn crosses at night...

6.  The Chronicles of Narnia:  The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe – Why is this on the list?  Well, first off, it’s not that bad a movie.  Second off…Santa Claus is in the fucking movie!  Why wouldn’t it be on this list?  When Lucy, Susan, Edmond, and Peter need weapons to dispatch the Queen of the Aryan Brotherhood…sorry, The White Witch, who else gives them their weapons but St. Nick himself!  Handing out weapons for Christmas!  This is distubingly like when my uncle got his first compound bow for Christmas, and trust me, he didn’t have any noble quest to use it in.  SANTA HANDS OUT WEAPONS!  It’s almost like A Christmas Story if Ralphie had actually succeeded in shooting his eye out!

Why he's just the cutest little marketing ploy ever!

5.  Gremlins – Yeah, I know.  Every goddamn one of these lists that frequents the internet in December has Gremlins on it.  Usually under straight Christmas film.  Oh, you wanted to show how ironic and hipster-cool you are?  That really chaps my big ass.  The movie is about…well, Mogwai were aliens in the novelization.  So, essentially, you’re watching a science fiction film about lovable furballs who turn into green scaly hellbeasts bent on destruction, and killing Mrs. Deagle.  Then again, I wanted to off the old bitch myself.  Trying to kill Billy’s dog.  What a bitch!  It hurts even more because is was Flo from Alice (Whose real name…and I’m not making this up…was Polly Holliday).  I’d much rather kiss her grits than let her kill my dog over a ceramic snow man.   Also, going for this movie, Phoebe Cates.  Then again, she doesn’t take it off like she did in Fast Times (Best. Nude.  Scene…Ever!), but she’s still gorgeous.  She also has a horrifying Christmas story for the kiddies, concerning the fate of Santa Claus!

"You know, we really ARE too old for this shit. Five year olds are too old for this stupid shit!"

4.  Lethal Weapon – Contrary to popular belief, Lethal Weapon is one of the quintessential Christmas films.  Why, do you ask?  Well, Mel Gibson was in this film, which takes place during the celebration of Jesus’s birth, and then he went on to direct the horrifyingly gory Messiah snuff film that is The Passion of the Christ.  So, you see, the drunken anti-semite really is the Alpha and the Omega!  Frankly, who doesn’t want to see Mel Gibson in a terribly out of due process street fight with Gary Busey?  I know who does want to see it…Santa, that’s who!  That’s just the kind of shit that gets the fat man off, and Ms. Claus, for one, is very happy.

And then Bruce saw Cybil Sheppard without any makeup...

3.  Die Hard – The opening song for the movie is a Christmas song, so you know you’re about to be charmed with some kid’s antics, or a harrowing adventure of how Santa Claus’s flying dust is stolen and marketed en masse by John Lithgow.  Nope, Alan Rickman, one of the best actors…well, ever, is about to take over Nakatomi Plaza, and only one man can stop him.  That’s right!  David Addison!  Sorry…Bruce Willis.  If you’ve not seen this one in awhile, it’s time to brush it off and give it a watch, especially after the hard to swallow Live Free or Die Hard.  I’ve got news for you, Hollywood:  Hans Gruber was one of the best screen villains of all time, and you can’t replace him…with ANYONE!  Frankly, his zombified corpse would have been better than any of the meager excuses for bad guys you’ve come up with for all the shitty sequels (Except that third one…that one was all right!)

Not even the power of seperate beds could keep them from babymaking.

2.  The Thin Man – For my money one of the best series of movies ever made.  It depicts at least two parties, one of which is a Christmas celebration where ex-cop Nick Charles (William Powell…the one and only) and Nora Charles (Myrna Loy…again, the one and only) invite old cops and old crooks.  Showing that everyone has a family, there’s one man who just wants to call his Ma.  And, dear Lord, the sheer amount of booze flowing through this film threatens to burst out in this scene.  It’s followed by Nick getting grazed by a bullet, and then these two wealthy people opening their Christmas presents.  Nick’s is a pellet gun, which he accidentally shoots a window out with.  I’ll say this for the scene.  I very much wanted to share a Christmas morning with these two drunken smart asses.

The sequel to Ghost Rider has some...problems.

1.  The Ref – Okay, I already wrote a review of it, but damn it, this movie is one of the funniest movies ever made!  The dialogue is so damn mean!  Denis Leary, Judy Davis, and Kevin Spacey all give inspired performances, and since we’re talking about three very good actors, that’s saying something.  This movie captures the very annoying custom of inviting family into your home until you want to choke, kick, or slap them.  Plus, there’s something about the line in regards to firearms and yelling:  “People with guns get to do whatever they want.  Married people without guns….for instance, you…DO NOT GET TO YELL!  Why?  NO GUNS!  No guns, no yelling!  It’s a simple little equation!”

Ten for your viewing pleasure!  It’s a decent list, I think, and if you’re like me, you like to stay in the spirit of things, but not get completely burnt out.  There’s plent of others you can find out there that have a Christmas look and feel…The Thing, for instance.  No, I’m kidding, but a short list would include The Cutting Edge, the first few Harry Potter movies, Philadelphia (If you can stand to be that depressed), Black Christmas (I haven’t seen it, hence, it exclusion), Serendipity, or Batman Returns.  All have scenes that take place during Christmas, but aren’t typical Christmas films.  So, go find a new way to be weird, you wily nerd, you!  In the meantime, remember what the season is really about:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! HO HO HO!!! Well, at least one ho.