Drink up, wussy!

Father’s Day approaches, and to celebrate here at ManWithPez, we’ve lined up three videos to waste your time watching, featuring some of our favorite pop media fathers.  Being a father myself (and totally expecting waffles on Father’s Day, hint, hint!)  I’ve no problem recognizing TV fathers, as TV raised me most of my life!  Okay, I’m kidding, but the worse the father seemed on TV, the better it was when it was revealed that he actually liked his children.  So, here’s three for you to consider this Father’s Day, and please, enjoy!

First…well, it should come as no surprise to anyone that it’s Homer Simpson.  Let’s take a look at him here, from one of my favorite Lisa-centric episode Lost Our Lisa.  Proving once again that Homer can be a caring a loving father, here he is trying to find his daughter after he..uh…well, he let her ride the public bus.

Coming up next, well, that’d be Al Bundy from Married with Children, singing the theme song to his favorite TV show, Psycho Dad!  Let’s watch!

And, one of my favorite shows cutdown before it’s time, and seemingly mangled by studio intervention:  Titus.  Ken Titus (played by Stacey Keach) is gruff, hateful, and an alcoholic.  He also seems like an actual father.  He’s not like my father, but he’s a great character that you know is based on someone who’s absolutely real.  Check it out, and don’t be a WUSSY!

Damn Clint! Save some of that Beefcake for the rest of us!

You know what?  It feels good to get back to listing actual people for the Hot Nerd Crush again.  And, today, we’re going to look at a couple of more mature actors.  Mostly cause they’re still really hot.  Besides that, they both have distinguished acting careers.  And, they’ve actually appeared together in the same movie.  More on that later, however.  Let’s take a look at the combined hotness of Clint Eastwood and Patricia Clarkson after the jump!

Clint Eastwood, I’m proud to say, is one of my idols.  First off, he built an entire career on being a hardass.  After he got done being a hardass, he decided to show people that where his real talent was.  He’s a brilliant director that is as home directing small features as he is directing huge action scenes.   When you think of an archetypical cowboy, who do you think of?  Okay, besides John Wayne.  That’s right, Clint Fuckin’ Eastwood, that’s who!  From an uncountable number of spaghetti westerns directed by Sergio Leone, people thought they had an idea who Clint Eastwood was.  Turns out, along with the hardass cowboy in him, there was also a hardass cop in there too!  And his name is “Dirty” Harry Callahan!  After five Dirty Harry movies (No shit…there’s five of them!), he moved on to play roughneck bareknuckle fighter Philo Beddoe in Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can.  Ah, as Kevin Smith pointed out, the concept of a man and his monkey never gets old.  After that, we got to take a look at Eastwood’s hardass Marine character Gunnery Sgt Thomas Hiway in Heartbreak Ridge.  Okay, it’s not that great a movie, but when you get done seeing it, you will come away thinking that Clint Eastwood plays the best Marine in HISTORY!   He starred in and directed Unforgiven, an antiviolence western that somehow ends up being violent as hell!  To me, though, his best recent accomplishment was his part in directing and starring in Gran Torino, an absolutely amazing film.  I won’t even start to describe it.  Just go see it, trust me, and you’ll see how an 80 year old man ended up as this week’s Hot Nerd Crush!

Back off, the rest of you! She's waving at me and me ONLY!!!

Patricia Clarkson.  I don’t even have to say anything else.  Just Patricia Clarkson.  If you want to see what I’m talking about watch the SNL Digital Short Motherlover.  Beyond that, however, she’s just a hot looking lady, and one hell of an actress.   As for that film I mentioned that she was in with Clint Eastwood?  Oh, that’d be the last Dirty Harry movie, The Dead Pool.  (And, might I say, one hell of a step up from normal Clint Eastwood muse Sondra Locke.  Not being mean…I’m just saying.)  It just seems anymore, that if you need a hot older lady in your movie, the go to’s have changed.  It used to be Susan Sarandon or Goldie Hawn.  Now, we go with Patricia Clarkson, and you know…I can handle that.  I thought she brought some much needed pathos and a feminine touch to The Green Mile.  It’s that hair, that body, and that smoky voice.  There’s just something about her that screams sex!  Or rather, SEX!!!  Anways, she’s my pick for Hot Nerd Crush this week, and I stand by it.  She can get mad and leave if she wants, but that means I get to watch her walk away.  Rowr.  Hee hee.

Absolutely BADASS!!!

After writing the first Postmodern Metahuman post about the Mythbusters, I needed to contrive a superteam to go against them.  Seeing as how I could equate most of the Mythbusters with supervillains, I’ve decided to turn the Iron Chef America team into superheroes.  I mean, someone’s got to take on the menace that is Mythbusters!  Anyways, let’s take a look at superheroes I came up with for one of my favorite shows Iron Chef America!

Smarter than me.

Smarter than me, too.

As we didn’t cover narrator Robert in Postmodern Mythbusters (and I stand by that…he’s just a disembodied voice, who’s replaced by someone else for European and Australian versions of the show), but we will put their narrator against Iron Chef America’s Master of Ceremonies, Alton Brown!  Alton Brown is a supergenius, but has very little effect over the show.  Much like my choice for him, Professor X (Charles Xavier)!  He’s a highly effective leader…that is, until someone shoves his wheelchair over or some crap.  Alton Brown has an encyclopedic knowledge of food, and he never, ever becomes flustered in his play by play of the foody goings-on, that is, until one of the chefs whips out an ingredient or a variant on an ingredient that Alton’s never heard of.   Then he starts stuttering and saying “TO ME, MY IRON CHEFS!”  Okay, he doesn’t do that, but he might as well.  Alton Brown, like Professor X is all powerful in his chosen medium until he gets even the smallest injury (mostly to his pride).  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Goofy and somehow frightening.

Frightening, and somehow goofy.

Now, to the meat of it (HA!).  The Chairman of Iron Chef America is played by stuntman and decent actor Mark Dacascos.  He can be seen flipping around Kitchen Stadium like a madman, overpronouncing ingredients (which is odd, because his native tongue is English, and he speaks several languages fluently), stalking about during the competition, giving his tacet approval to the cooking going on.  But, you can see in his stance that he’s a dangerous animal.  For that reason, I’ve chosen for him The Karate Kid (Val Amorr).  Now, just so you know, NO this has no connection to Ralph Macchio (as awesome as that would be).  Karate Kid is one of the futuristic group of do-gooders known as The Legion of Superheroes!  And, he’s so good at hand to hand combat that he can devastate much larger, more powerful opponents (read:  Batman).  Let one of the opponent chefs get really, really out of line, and I bet The Chairman would settle their hash with lightning speed.  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Scary!

Scary!

One of my favorite chefs on Iron Chef America is one of the holdovers from the original Iron Chef Japan, Masaharu Morimoto.  Not only is his food beautiful, but he has the winningest record on the show.  His knives fly about as if independent of his will!  You know someone else who does the same thing?  Marvel superhero and occasional bad guy Silver Samurai (Kenuichio Harada).  Sure, he’s set up as a foil for Wolverine, but he certainly knows what he’s doing, and he’s more than a little intimidating.  Just like Morimoto (Well, not the Wolverine part).  Plus, he can channel energy into his sword!  I don’t know how anyone ever chooses to go against Morimoto, he’s such a badass on that show.  And, if you can manage to scare Wolverine, then you’re taking a step in the right direction.  Morimoto and a sushi knife vs. Wolverine?  Hell yeah!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Oh my...

Oh my...

Iron Chef Cat Cora is awesome!  First off…that’s a hell of a handle she’s got.  Second off, you can’t deny that she’s both hot, and completely competent in what she does.  That fact that she’s a lesbian has nothing to do with any of that…but it still adds a kind of mystique to the proceedings.  You know who else plays with the ladies, is hot, has a cool name, and knows what she’s doing in her chosen profession?  Well, that’d be cat burglar and sometimes Spider-Man love interest Black Cat (Felicia Hardy)!  Think about it, Cat Cora in that black vinyl and white fur collared costume, that grappling hook whipping around Kitchen Stadium, grabbing what she needed to cook?!  She wouldn’t even need any sous chefs!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

That's a big, strong, guy.

That's a big, Strong Guy!

Mario Batali isn’t necessarily the most talented chef on Iron Chef America, but I’ll tell you this:  He’s certainly the most entertaining to watch.  He turns what he’s doing into an talent laced SHOW, and he’s magnificent to watch.  Being huge and Italian, I decided to pair him with Guido Carosella aka Strong Guy from X-Factor.  While he was never the best at what he did, Guido was always funny and usually trying to impress those around him.  What would you do with the ability to change your mass at will?  I know what I would do, and it has a lot to do with trying to be funny.  Plus, imagine Mario with those goggles on and a giant flame rising from one of his skillets!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Dork.

DORK!

And now, on to the last.  You want to know why so many people challenge Bobby Flay?  It’s because whenever they take him on, they know exactly what he’s going to do.  Grill something, and spray jalapeno oil all over everything.  With his red hair and freckles (and the fact that he’s my least favorite chef on the show) it seems like he’d be a cinch to pair with Jimmy Olsen.  Now, I can hear your hackles rising.  “Jimmy Olsen is no superhero!”  Ordinarily, that’d be true.  Recently, however, it was revealed that Jimmy Olsen was Darkseid’s hiding place for the anit-life equation.  Whenever he was in mortal peril, his body would change into whatever it would have to to save him.  I can’t imagine anything better to pair with Bobby Flay, who seems to win occasionally by the skin of his teeth (unless Jeffrey Steingarten is judging him…then you KNOW he’s going to lose!)  Jimmy tried to parley this new ability into a superhero career as Mr. Action…the lamest superhero in history.  Jimmy Olsen spraying pepper oil all over everything in a lame attempt to win?  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

And, there you have it!  My choosings for superheros from Iron Chef America!  Now, I just have to have them throwdown (HA!) with the Mythbusters supervillain gang.  I tell you, at this moment, I have no idea how it would play out myself.  I’ll write it up as soon as I can, but I have to tell you that I find the idea of building more Postmodern superhero/supervillan teams to be quite awesome.  Making them fight would just mean that I had to get rid of some of them.  So, be on the lookout for more of the same in the future.  And, who know…perhaps I’ll have a huge battle royale with reader input someday!  Until then, however, keep watching the skies, and Excelsior!

Ah...Fresh meat for the slaughterhouse!

I’ve been accused of deliberately shifting to an unpopular position just because I want to be different from other people.  To my knowledge, I’ve never done such a thing consciously.  Now that THAT’S out of the way, I thought I’d write a little review of the Lost series finale from last night, and if you haven’t guessed from my first sentence that what I have to say might piss you off, you’re even dumber than I look.  So, I tell you what…I like your patronage and the fact that you come to this site.  I’ll try not to be as inflammatory as I want to, and you just sit there, drink a Dharma beer, and relax.  I’m pretty certain that ending was meant to inspire at least some vitriol.   Anyways, find out what I had to say about the Lost closing after the jump.

I’ve been pretty vocal (well, at least to my girlfriend in the comfort of our own living room…people get scary upset when you badmouth Lost) about this season, at least.  My whole point has been that the first season of Lost was one of the greatest entertainment coups of the decade.  The show was started with a premise that didn’t appear to be self-sustaining (and wasn’t), with a ridiculously overblown budget (12 million on the pilot alone…GASP!), and was completely unwilling to reveal any answers to any of the questions being posed by the odd plot of the show.  This formula should not have worked.  I put it to you that it was some amazing acting from damn near everyone involved, and a LOT of patience from the audience that kept the show running in the first season.  Oh, and a little hatch in the ground.  Come on…you had to keep watching for the hatch!

I’ll tell you what kept me coming back in the beginning.  It was the troubled relationship of Sun and Jin Kwon.  I was a fan of Daniel Dae Kim’s since his work on Angel (and, boy, did he get the shaft on THAT show!), and I was so very impressed with his acting, knowing that his regular speaking voice held not even a trace of a Korean accent.  It was Sun peeking out from behind her overbearing husband, and Jin’s slow realization that he really was a good person that kept me tuning in in the beginning.  Jack, Kate, Sawyer…blah…Except for John Locke.  And, that just goes to show what a powerhouse of an actor Terry O’Quinn can be.  Also, I was very impressed with Jorge Garcia’s portrayal of Hurley as possibly one of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet.  The growing mysteries of little boy Walt, the polar bears, the smoke monster, etc, etc, etc…There was nothing you could do BUT watch!

I don’t know what kind of picture I’m painting of the show,  but the first season was nothing short of miraculous television.

And then…sigh…David slept with Maddie.  Sorry, I meant to say that they opened that damn hatch.  Don’t get me wrong, Henry Ian Cusick was a fine addition to the cast, and the character of Desmond is awesome, but once you start exploring what the island’s really about in season two (or what you think it’s about) The Dharma Initiative, then you start to let the air out of the mysticism of the island.  For good or ill, and in this case, it was ill.   While the Tailies storyline managed to finally reunite Bernard and his beloved Rose, it also brought the problematic Ana Lucia and Libby.  Season two was sucha  let down for me that I started considering not watching the show anymore. 

Then season three comes along and totally convinces me that there’s something better I could be doing with my time.  I’m going to be rewatching the entire show very soon, because I think I’ve blocked out significant information from that season.  We started seeing Jack lose his ability to lead (one of the biggest disappointments to me), and the show continued to not answer questions that were posed in the first season!  I’m all for the long draw, but come on!  Season 4 comes along with it’s innovative flash forwards (that were shown to us as the regular flashbacks until the very last second) and the introduction of Benjamin Linus as a total badass (we already knew he was bad…but damn!) sucked me back into the show.  I got caught up on what I’d missed, which wasn’t much, and never missed another episode. 

Season 5 was actually a fun season, something which was missing in a lot of Lost.  The time jumping adventures of everyone involved was entertaining and just, well, fun!    Several answers were given to several questions, finally, mostly concerning the past history of the island and what had occured there.  Season 5 reminded me very much of season 1, and showed me that I had made the right decision to stick with the show. 

And then…season 6 made me question all that.  Jack still wasn’t the leader we were led to believe he was.  Locke wasn’t Locke at all, but the physical embodiment of the black smoke monster.  What?  And the new flashes weren’t flashbacks or flash forwards at all, but flash sideways!  I hate to point this out, but it stretched all the credibility the show had gained in my eyes.  Sure, we got some answers, but the answers that were given were NOT why I watched this show for six years!  Particularly galling to me was the explanation of the black smoke monster, which was, to me, more confusing than it’s mysterious abilities!  Extraneous cast is introduced when Charles Widmore SOMEHOW got back to the island, though he’d been looking for it for years (yes, yes…electromagnetic event and all that…it’s just a bullshit explanation, is all I’m saying.)  Kate was with Jack…she wasn’t with Jack, she was checking out Sawyer, etc.  That love triangle, which bothered me from its inception was simply aggravating in the last season.  I was a fan of Elizabeth Mitchell’s portrayal of Juliet, and I was more than disappointed to see her go.  And then…the biggest slap in the face, for me.  The finale.

The flash sideways dimension was some pocket universe created by the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 (among others) so that they could meet up in the afterlife after they had died.  WHAT…THE…FUCK?  What about Walt?  What about Ben? How the fuck did Lepidus survive the sub explosion?   For me, it all ended with superstitious hoakum and a lot of deus ex machina on the part of the writers, who, let’s face it, had gotten a little lazy at this point.  Ilana and Arzt have the exact same fate?  Why the hell did Jacob even bring her to the island?  I’ve been watching six years of what boils down to a misunderstanding amongst twin brothers?  But, all that has almost nothing to do with the finale.  But seriously…Where the fuck was Walt?  Where the hell was Michael, for that reason?  You’re telling me, with a straight face, that Sayid gets to go to heaven, though he had killed dozens of people, and Michael, who killed two people because his son was being held hostage, not to mention gave his life for a friend,  doesn’t get to go to heaven?  There are some wonky things at work here, and while I’m fine with not getting ALL the answers, I would have been happy with the ones that mattered.

And, getting back to that ending.  Again, what the hell?  I would have had more respect for the show if Jack had went to the bathroom, and Patrick Duffy was in the shower.  It was almost as abrupt as the Sopranos ending.  Jack’s able to get the island’s buttplug back in place (Not explained again, by the way.  I can only hope that it brought the island all sorts of pleasure, cause it sure got mad when it was removed.) and then he drops dead.  At that moment, he and all hs friends get to go to heaven from the Safe Landing Universe.  And, after that, all the buzz was about how great the episode was.  You’ll pardon me while I disagree wholeheartedly.  So, they’re in some weird side purgatory?  Or, they were in the sideways universe.  So, the most obvious guess about the what the island was since season one is the true answer?  Or, it was, with a twist?  Kiss my ass!  Six years!  SIX YEARS, I watched this show, and you’ll pardon me if you didn’t give me what I needed. 

Sorry…I’m just a little bitter about this.  Seasons 1, 4, and 5 were some of the best television ever.  Parts of 6 weren’t terrible (Ab Aeterno, the Richard Alpert story being a highlight for me) but that ending.  I just can’t get my head around how bothered I am by it.  But, it’s not the end of the world.  Truth be told, I wasn’t as invested in the show as I could have been.  Save one part.  Sun and Jin.  They have the best episodes, the best story, and were, for me, the best part of the show, even when they were SEPERATED FOR YEARS ON END!  I’m sorry to say, but Lost really ended for me the second they died. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, some guy named Jacob wants me to meet him for a drink.  If I’m lucky, his asshole brother (never named, by the way…feh!) won’t be there wanting to play Senet, or Chutes and Ladders, or whatever bullshit game he likes to play.  See you in the afterlife!  Peace!

A woman you can't touch with a pet dragon that can burn the shit out of you. I give up!

If you’re into comics at all and neither one of these two do anything for you…You may be dead.  Okay, maybe having crushes on clearly fictional people is a cry for help, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work for you!  I mean, you’ve taken it too far if you’re sleeping with your comics, but who hasn’t done that from time to time.  I mean other than me.  I’d never do that.  Ever.  One is a mutant who can move through solid objects, and the other is a man who can kick anyone’s ass.  Presenting Hot Nerd Crush:  Bruce Wayne and Kitty Pryde after the jump.

Katherine Pryde is a dangerous woman.  Wolverine himself once said that he didn’t want to spar her because he didn’t feel like bleeding.  She’s an accomplished martial artist, ridiculously smart, hot, and totally willing to make it with organic steel men.  If that’s not a dreamgirl, I don’t know what is?!  She comes from Xavier’s fabled “New Mutants” class, but went on to head up her own team in England, called Excalibre.  I don’t know why it was called that, but it was.  She formed a hot and heavy relationship with Piotr Rasputin, or Colossus.  Dude’s made of metal.  I don’t blame her.  She was recently fabulously showcased in the Joss Whedon-penned Astonishing X-Men, where it’s clear that Joss has had the hots for Ms. Pryde for some time.  In the last Whedon issue, he turns her into a powerhouse that has to be seen to be believed.  I don’t often drop jaw at comic books, but that one certainly made me.  (John Cassaday certainly had his hand in that, too.)  I enjoyed Ellen Page’s take on the character as well, what with her making The Juggernaut look like a bitch and all.

Bruce Wayne in a tux. A little something for da ladies.

Bruce Wayne is Batman.  (Oh shit…sorry for the spoiler)  Do you really need to say anymore.  He’s the powerless superhero that the entirety of the DC Universe is terrified of.  He punched a New God in the face for chrissakes!!!  Take THAT, Darkseid!  I used to get phonecalls late at night when I was in the Air Force from people on shift who were arguing over who could take Batman in a fight!   The fact that he’s scary as shit and supersmart does little to mask that he’s a bit crazy.  You don’t just dress up like a bat and beat the shit out of people just because your parents were killed by a mugger.   Then again, this happened in Gotham City, where it would appear EVERYONE has a costume in their closet.  In the animated World’s Finest Superman/Batman movie, on Batman’s first meeting with Superman, he just tossed him around for a bit.  The response from Superman (after knocking the wind out of Batman) was “I knew you were crazy, but I didn’t think you were stupid.”  It’s Batman’s unyielding sense of duty to his fallen parents that defines him as a superhero and keeps him standing when others would simply lay over.  I’m not the biggest Batman fan out there, mostly because I don’t care for the comics (except Hush!  Do yourself a favor, find it, and read it!) but I love the character, who once beat up Superman simply because he anticipated how the Kryptonian would fight.  He used the fact that Superman is a good person at heart against him, because Batman isn’t a good person at heart.  That’s how you get to be a Hot Nerd Mancrush around here!

Look at them...with their science and their beady eyes. Villainous, I tells ya!

You don’t have to look around here very long to understand that I’m a huge Mythbusters fan.  Indeed, besides my little love note to Malcolm McDowell, the two next highest attention gathering articles I’ve written here have been Chuck Norris vs Grant Imahara and some rules for a Mythbusters drinking game.  This being self declared Superhero month, however, I’ve decided that today, I’m going to inject some of my favorite comics characters into one of my favorite shows.  I ran into a problem however.  Find out what it was after the jump.

People who work with machines and science rarely become superheroes in the comics.  That’s just the sad truth.  I’m not saying it doesn’t happen (The Atom, The Flash, The Hulk, etc) And, the Mythbusters…well, a couple of them at least, look like they are all one industrial accident away from trying to kidnap the mayor of Gotham City.  So, that’s what I went with here.  Next week, look for a group of superheroes to be put together, in just this fashion, to take on this supervillain team in a metabrawl!  I’m not even going to hint about what shows I’m pulling them from either.  So, let’s get started, shall we.  In credit order from the show:

Am I bluuuuuuuuuue.....

I think I saw this guy in a Charmin commercial once.

1.  Adam Savage/The Creeper – What’s that you say?  The Creeper is a good guy?  True…but he hasn’t always been that way.  He’s batshit crazy (heh), and his origin has been played around with so much that you don’t quite know what you’re seeing when he shows up.  Just like Adam Savage!  I’m partial to the DC Animated Universe’s origin of him myself.  A TV reporter gets knocked into a vat of chemicals not unlike the accident that created The Joker, goes insane and begins to pester the world.  His superpowers seem to include surviving things that would kill most people, bouncing off the walls like a madman, and annoying the absolute shit out of the people around him.  Yeah…I think I’ve made a pretty good match here.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

BEST. MUGSHOT...EVER!

BEST. BACKSCRATCHER...EVER!

2.  Jamie Hyneman/Doctor Octopus – Just imagine it.  Jamie Hyneman building a super strong rig of multiple arms, crashing his way through the night to fight a superhero…moustache twitching in anticipation!   The usually reserved, coldly calculating Doc Ock has always been one of my favorite supervillains, and I think he fits Jamie to a tee.  I can see Jamie going insane while remaining stoic, building a completely unweildly rig of arms to accomplish things he cannot, but making it work.  Making it practical.  And, of course, he’d be the only one of the group strong enough to carry the damn things around.  I can see Jamie picking up Adam with his multiple metal arms and hurling him into the closest wall (Not at M5, of course, because he doesn’t want to clean THAT up!) while saying “Jamie want big boom!”.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

You think it's a toy? It's actually an automatic bank robber.

Yeah...that's Grant. You can tell from the maniacal pose.

3.  Grant Imahara/Toyman – Conventional wisdom would say for me to choose Robot Master from Spider-Man for Grant, but I just can’t pick an ancient, humorless man for him.  I’m going with Toyman, especially the version from Superman:  The Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited.  Sure, he’s on the creepy side, but look at some of the things he does!  He beats the crap out of Killer Frost (a woman with super ice powers…not unlike my grandmother’s deep freeze she keeps in the garage)with a yo-yo of all things!  He menaces Lois Lane and Superman with a giant robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex (Oh yeah…that’s Grant all over!), and he takes out 6 Parademons in JLU’s last episode with a Nerf Gun!  Unlike Grant, he’s creepy, but like Grant, he’s oddly dangerous in an almost childlike way.  And, he likes his toys!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Clearly up to no good. I can appreciate it, man.

Hey! That's not what a shocker looks like! What's that? Ohhhhh.

4.  Tory Belleci/The Shocker – Yeah, I had a hard time with this, so I went with one of my favorite Spider-Man bad guys with the most suggestive name I could think of:  The Shocker!  Sure, in these later years, he’s kinda been turned into a joke, but earlier on, whenever Spider-Man came up against him, he was always careful.  Why?  Well, unlike most of Spider-Man’s villains, The Shocker would learn from his mistakes, and reconfigure his equipment for the next round.  Look at it this way…have you seen Tory try to ramp a bike over a wagon anymore?  No!  Plus, Tory seems to always be getting shocked on Mythbusters, through his own design or not.  I say, one more hit with the stun gun for Mr. Belleci, and you have a rage-filled supervillain on your hands!  Plus…I can totally see Tory hitting someone with a bolt of electricity and then throwing up the hand signal for…THE SHOCKER!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Before you know it, she's stolen your wallet. And your heart.

The face of evil looks goooooood!

5.  Kari Byron/Harley Quinn – Sure, I wanted to go with a supervillain with red hair, but really, what do you got?  Poison Ivy?  Giganta?  They don’t really fit the Kari Byron bill.  Plus, Kari’s love of big guns has been made pretty clear on Mythbusters, so, why not a gun weilding psychopath for the part?  Why not Harley Quinn?!  I can hear you thinking (I can, you know…so be careful) that Harley is nothing more than The Joker’s girl Friday.  Not so, I say.  She’s formidable enough that Batman gives her a wide berth when he can.  That’s a big enough endorsement for me.  Also, Harley beat the stuffing out of Catwoman in Hush (the single best Batman story of all time…take THAT Dark Knight Returns!) so she’s dangerous enough for the part.  Plus, how good would Kari look in that harlequin getup?  Sorry to have gone there, but, it’s true!  I can just imagine that on the show, they give her a gun big enough to drive her crazy (in the best possible way, of course), and then she puts on the costume (made herself, of course), and begins menacing heavily populated areas!  Look out, San Francisco!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Now, clearly, I’ve taken some liberties here, but just wait until you get the whole picture.  Next week, we’ll meet the superteam that hopes to take down this hive of scum and villainy!  (To the Mythbusters…I don’t think you’re scum or villains…well, not most of you, but I was just trying to write something funny!  Don’t sue me, or then we’ll be introduced to the worst villains ever.  Lawyers.)

See you next week!

Six Bad Men. Yeah, I'm not the best with team names.

In accordance with April being self chosen Superhero Month, here’s a few videos to take up some time.  They’re all superhero themed, and one of my favorite ever fanfilms is in the mix.  Some JLU and Spectacular Spider-Man fill out the bill, but since there are copyrighted videos, you might want to look quick.  Let’s have a look at today’s Streaming Internet Theater, after the jump!

A few years ago, superfan Sandy Collora put together this wonderfully made Batman fan film that includes some interesting feature parts from some of science fiction’s nastier creatures.  Also of note, this Dead End stars the recently deceased Andrew Koenig with a masterful performance as The Joker.   Here’s Dead End:

Didn’t that kick ass?! Of course, being the dutiful Justice League Unlimited fan that I am, I couldn’t let this little bit of kickass slide by.  Here’s Wally West, The Flash, proving that he has what it takes to sit at the big boy Superhero table once and for all:

I think that the Saturday morning cartoon Spectacular Spider-Man is underrated.  It’s a wonderfully fun show that has managed to keep my interest even while it tampers with some of Peter’s background.  If you get a chance, give it a look.  Here’s Spider-Man taking on one of my favorite villain syndicates, The Sinister Six:

I can't be the only one that wants to push him in that pool.

Mr. Shyamalan…we have to talk.  As you might have guessed, we’re going to be talking about your next movie, The Last Airbender.  By all indications, this looks to be a decent movie, but I’m going to need more than that from you this time.  I need you, like Maverick in Top Gun, to pull up before you hit the hard deck.  And no buzzing the tower, either.  More on this after the jump.

You’ve had a checkered past, Mr. Wunderkind director.  For me, I think the beginning was rocky, myself.  Sure, there are those out there that say The Sixth Sense is one of the better horror films ever made.  Well, I’m not here to stroke your ego.  It’s overrated.  It’s not a bad film, and there are some genuine thrills to be had, but it’s that one movie, and it’s ending (it’s predictable ending to anyone with two eyes…sorry one eyed people out there) that has set you up for some really hard falls later in your career.  Blah blah twist blah.  That’s not a winning formula, man. 

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that your next film, Unbreakable, was enjoyable.  At least, to me it was.  It’s the only movie in the last twenty years that I could say was too short (well…maybe Zombieland, but that’s got nothing to do with this.)  I could have stood another half hour of Bruce Willis’s exploits in that movie.  And, yes, there was a  twist in that one, but again, not an unguessable one.  I can, and do recommend that movie.  Signs was a different story.  Not a horrible film, but just a little too busy for the story, I though.  But, I liked Signs.  Mostly because I like stories where the end parts are sitting out in the open, but they have to be applied correctly.  Yes, the aliens trying to come to a planet that’s mostly water when it’s their only weakness is a bit on the stupid side, but again, strong performances and the general look of the movie appealed to me.  Sure, there was plenty of bad there, but there was a lot of good. 

The Village, however, gets a little stickier.  Had your precious twist ending been left off, it would have been a much more serviceable movie.  Now, I’m not stating that mine is the only…or even the only good opinion.  Far from it.  With the exception of Adrian Brody, you managed to get some decent performances out of some decent actors.  In the end, the ending let me down, because it felt so unnecessary.

Then, things really start to go downhill.  I’ve not seen all of Lady in the Water.  Mostly because what I have seen is downright atrocious.   I can’t speak intelligently on the film, because I can’t sit through it, but I’m willing to bet that’s not a good sign.  I won’t bash it endlessly here, either.  That’s been done.  Likewise for The Happening.  I’ll tell you this about that movie, though.  Where do you get off making a movie that’s ten times worse than the trailer (by all accounts.  Again, I can’t sit through it).  The TRAILER for The Happening was so badass!  But, that’s two big strikes against you, and the lob you’ve been served up in The Last Airbender better not be strike three.

I know this is a nothing blog, and my opinion amounts to little to nothing in the scheme of things.  The trailer for The Last Airbender looks awesome, and that gives me pause.  The trailers for The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Happening were all very, very good.  The movies, not so much.  That your last three movies were panned doesn’t bother me.  But, you are messing with a very important property…at least in this house, Avatar has been important.  I like the look of things so far, but I liked the look The Happening too.  You’re not known for family movies, or adapting other people’s works.  So, I’m still trying to figure out what underdwelling diety you sold your soul to to make this movie.  I need things from this movie, and I need you to deliver them.  I wouldn’t have choosen you as a director, but that’s already done.

If you give us a rotten egg in the ruined corpse of a movie in the form of one of my favorite TV shows, we’re going to have a problem.  Not a stalk/letterbomb/stabby problem, but a problem.  You will become the constant butt of my jokes in a way that Chuck Norris has yet to feel around here.  I’ll never watch, or allow any member of my family to watch another one of your movies.  That you’ve turned out a great trailer, I think, is pretty good first step.  Then that comes on the heels that you’re interested in directing one of the Twilight movies?  Do you know what the term ”backslide” means?  Don’t fuck this up!  Give me a good Avatar movie, and you can go shoot gay porn…sorry, Twilight movies until your hat floats. 

I know these words carry little threat, but you’ve managed to thoroughly piss me off in the last few years, and now you have the reins of The Last Airbender.  Just try…please try to get it right.  That is all.

Ohhh...so that's where rollergirls come from.

I’ve fallen a little behind in my postings.  Perhaps it’s because I’m getting older.  Perhaps it’s because my daughter’s getting older.  Both are reasons to be driven to distraction, but I’m trying to get on top of things again.  I have to say that it was easier to find daddies and their girls than it was to find fathers and sons.  Maybe because the dynamic offers so many ways to be more dramatic.  It’s like my father told me when he found out I was having a daughter “When you have a son, all you have to worry about is that one boy.  When you have a daughter, you have to worry about all the other boys out there.”  Right or wrong,  fathers and daughters in popular media make for compelling viewing.  Some of my favorites after the jump.

Young lady! As soon as you stop wallcrawling...you're grounded!

10.   Peter and May Parker – I guess we should start with a somewhat obscure one.  From the M2 Marvel Universe comes the future of the Spider-Man franchise, with Spider-Girl!   The reason I liked the book so much is that May Parker showed something that Spider-Man had been missing for years.  She had all the troubles of a super-hero coupled with the problems of being a teenage girl.  And, I need my Spider comic book to center on someone who’s having problems.  Spider-Man is still around, but he’s missing a leg, and constantly worried about his little girl, who, it turns out, is just as compentent as her old man.  If you get the chance to read it, you could do a lot worse than checking out Spider-Girl.

Whoa...great haircuts all around for these two, huh?

9.  John Kramer (Jigsaw) and Amanda Young – Is there not a more twisted father/daughter relationship anywhere?  John Kramer, or Jigsaw is a serial killer with a different take on things.  He engineers traps for those he feels are wasting their lives.  In the end, they end up killing themselves (usually through inaction) trying to escape his traps.  In the first film, the only survivor shown onscreen is Amanda Young, who was apparently so happy to still be alive that she joined Jigsaw as his apprentice.  The relationship plays out through several movies, but the main point is Amanda’s fierce loyalty to John.  A quality, you’ll find, that he brings out in a lot of people.

Do as you're told, or I'll touch your daemon!

8.  Lord Azrael and Lyra Belacqua – In the His Dark Materials trilogy, this pair are probably the furthest from an actual father/daughter team that y0u’ll see on this list.  Lyra goes through most of the first book not knowing who her father is, and when she tries to rescue him at the end of the book, he repays her by killing her best friend.  What an asshole.  He doesn’t acknowledge her as anything but a nuiscance until the last book, when he begins to see her worth, and gives his life to further hers.  You’ll notice I’m not mentioning Lyra’s mother Mrs. Coulter…mostly because she’s such a bitch, but a least she has a heart, something Lord Azrael can’t claim.

Yes...this was the BEST picture I could find.

7.  Angelo and Lisa Provolone – Oscar is one of my favorite underrated films.  I love everyone’s performance in it, including Sylvester Stallone’s.  What?  I’m not ashamed!   Playing his daughter Lisa is Marisa Tomei, and the ONLY character who isn’t impressed that Angelo is a bigtime gangster.  When Lisa lays a pregnancy scare on Angelo, he must find the father, the exchaffeur Oscar.  That’s just a small part of the movie, and if you haven’t seen it, you might me missing something you could fall in love with.  I’ll say this for these two.  It’s more than a little funny to watch Angelo give to his daughter all the grief that his father gave to him.

If Agent Smith were your dad, you'd be a badass, too.

6.  Elrond and Arwen – Confession time, I suppose.  I haven’t read all of The Lord of the Rings.  However, I’ve read The Hobbit several times.  One of the cooler characters shown is Elrond, who immediately commands respects from the ragtag group of stingy ass dwarves.  In the Lord of the Rings films, Elrond’s daughter Arwen is shown what I’m given to understand is a bigger role than in the books.   She’s pretty badass, all told.  At least in the first movie.  After that, she’s kinda the reason I fastforward through the elf scenes.   Whoa!  Was that another confession?  Shit…I’m going to lose my nerd card after all that.  The last scene with these two together in it, though, where Elrond is handing her off to Aragorn?  That shit gets me everytime!

A true argument for birth control.

5.  Lestat de Lioncourt and Claudia – The Vampire Lestat, bastard that he is, helps create a vampire from of his protege Louis’s victims.  A six year old little girl named Claudia.  Lestat loves her like a daughter early on, while she still learns from him how to kill, etc.  That’s the only real beauty in Interview With The Vampire, and you have to read other books to find out.  Interview is told from Louis’s point of view, and the later book are all from Lestat.  You can’t be certain of anything you’re reading, all told.  Claudia finds a way to rid herself and Louis of Lestat, and she gives it the old college try, but Lestat eventually finds them, and with a little help from Armand, manages to rid his world of the sixty-odd year old woman in a six year old’s body.  In other books, you discover that he’s filled with remorse about this.

My, what a big book you've got there, grandma.

4.  Rupert Giles and Buffy Summers – Speaking of vampires, the second pair on this list that isn’t blood related are a pair of vampire killers!  Giles, the Watcher and Buffy, the Slayer have a mission in life.  Just one.  Rid the world of evil when they can.  Buffy’s quite good at it too, but she needs help and training from librarian Giles.  But, that’s not all she needs.  You see, unlike other characters I’ve talked about, it’s implicitly stated that Buffy’s biological father is still around, he just doesn’t seem that interested in her or her troubles.  When Buffy needs a father, she turns to Giles, and he provides that role in spades.   The great thing about Giles, however, is that while he does what he can to ease Buffy’s life, he’s not above making things difficult for her as an object lesson, and more often than not, she’s a better person for it.

Mmmmm...pi. Er, pie.

3.  Homer and Lisa Simpson – Have you ever noticed, on The Simpsons, that most of the familial relationships in the show are father/daughter and mother/son?  Rarely do you get an episode which focuses on what’s going on between Bart and Homer that doesn’t devolve into strangling of some sort.   And, when Lisa and Homer are at odds, it makes me uncomfortable, much like when Bart and Marge don’t get along.  Lisa makes allowances for her father’s lowered IQ, and Homer finds a way to, at time, impart some much needed worldweariness to his daughter, who, I think, will live up to all his expectations of her.  One day, she will be president and win the Nobel prize in kickboxing. Homer and Lisa’s relationship has, through the years, provided the show with a center that would have been missed, had it not been present.

The only person who can call her Jean and get away with it.

2.  Atticus and Jean Louise (Scout) Finch – To Kill A Mockingbird may well be the only book that I was forced to read that I was happy about.  So far as a piece of literature goes, it paints a southern tableau of Americana and has joined the ranks of popular media as one of the best stories ever produced by this or any other country.  At the heart of this is the relationship between it’s most memorable character, aging lawyer Atticus Finch, and the narrator, his daughter, Scout.  The story of racial injustice is as compelling as anything else you might read in your life, but the hook that makes certain you stay to hear the message is how good a father Atticus is to Scout and her older brother Jem.   There’s a reason that Atticus Finch is the American Film Institute’s number 1 hero of all time, and it’s a privilege to see him through his daughter’s eyes, making him larger than life, and yet still familiar as a human being.

Bet you can't tell which one is which, huh?

1.  Keith and Veronica Mars – Yes, I struggled about this, I certainly did.  So, how did a pair from a cancelled UPN teenage girl detective show beat out the greatest popular hero of our times?  The answer is that I know these two.  When you watch Veronica Mars, a show that is easily as complex as Twin Peaks was, without being nearly as confusing, you get the sense that you know disgraced sheriff turned local private investigator Keith Mars and his daughter Veronica.   He knows his daughter’s limitations, he treats her like a person, and he guides her through life, ultimately providing her with a setting in which she can make her own decisions.   Not all of them are the right decisions, but you can bet when Veronica does something wrong, it’s her father’s voice she hears in her head.  Through the first season, the question of Veronica’s paternity comes up, and when that was resolved, it still remains one of my favorite single scenes in TV history.  I can’t recommend this show highly enough, and not simply because both Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon act in the second season.

Well, there’s ten pairs of fathers and daughters for you to think about.  Again, with this list, much like other, there was plenty of source material, and I will revisit this someday.  Of course, this was done for my daughter’s birthday, and while I hope that she one day grows up and ignores most of what I had to say here, I hope she can remember that I love her, and I always wanted the best for her.  Y’know…just like Keith Mars!