The last name in entertaining vacation themed films.

Tomorrow begins a week long vacation for me and my family.  The only problem is that I haven’t been on vacation with my family in over ten years.  Also, I just wanted to apologize for the lack of updates just lately.  I’ve been very busy with my children this summer, and I expect things will pick up in August.  I love you guys, though.

Nah, I’m kidding.  Fags!  Heh.

If you had a red haired daughter, what Stephen King parody would you film?  Carrie gets a going over from Canes Venatici, but not too roughly, because that telekinetic young lady scares me!  Anyways, this is the fourth of our summer film series, but not the last.  hang in there for more in the coming weeks.  You seem to like them, and we love doing them.

It’s no secret that I really, really hate Twilight.  I feel it important as a father to say that my children, not so much.  They were more than willing to shoot this parody video for me, which first started written life without them in it, and had a much darker, but equally comic tone.  I’m very proud of both my kids in this one, and once again, the camera caught me as director, bitching at everyone about how terrible their acting was, while blowing every one of my lines and turning in a lackluster performance.  We’re still pretty happy with the finished product, however, and hope you find it as funny as we did.  I present Sonlight.

GODDAMN!!! Bitch about the 80s all you want...but give credit where it's due!

I have to say it.  My mind has been elsewhere.  Now, you would be thinking that I’m just concentrating on my kids being in town, and you’d be half right, but Summer brings out certain animals in all of us, and occasionally I have to explain to my kids why Daddy was staring at that woman at the pool.  So, if you’re anything like me (myopic), then invest in a good pair of sunglasses, and head on out into the world.  Seriously!  This weekend especially!  There’s going to be government sanctioned controlled explosions all over the country to celebrate the French saving our bacon in the Revolutionary War.  Also, I promise you, nerdpods, the sun can be your friend.  Then again, if you’re anything like me, take sunscreen.  And, maybe head to the gym a few times.  If you’re not like me, well, then…GET THE HELL OFF MY SITE!  Anyways, I was just looking for a reason to post a picture of Phoebe Cates from Fast Time at Ridgemont High.  Best. Nude. Scene.  EVER!

One of our winning pictures. Yeah, I know...but it struck me as funny.

First off, I’d like to say thanks to everyone who participated.  I’ll be contacting all parties entitled to a prize via email and wrangling your prizes to you as soon as possible.  So don’t write me bitching about “Where’s my stuff?!”  You’ll get it when I’m damn good and ready, ya follow!

That being said, I was very taken with all the entries I got.  One stood out amongst the rest, as it seemed to address the fact that a picture of me would be standing right next to the image we were going to show. So, thank you Manny Mayor, for your entry containing at least two men in their underwear pointing weapons at me.  I really appreciate it.  But, better than my appreciation, you’ve won!  A certificate, a new Pez dispenser, and a shiny new nickel are headed your way!  One of your pictures is displayed at the beginning of this article, and the rest below.  Tomorrow, with any luck, they will take their rightful place in the header!

Again, thanks to all who participated, and I’m looking forward to doing another one of these contests soon.  Granted, I’ve no idea what the subject matter would be.  But, hey…if nothing else, maybe I’ll be able to afford better prizes next time.  Maybe someone will win a thin dime!  Hell, I’m looking forward to it! 

Above is one of the family activities we’ve taken up since the children have come to live with us this summer.  They love the makeup and getting to be on camera.  ThatCostumeGirl loves making the kids look disgusting, and I…well, I just think my kids look disgusting anyways.  The aim here is to make at least four, if not more, of these little shorts before the kids have to go home for school.  Hopefully this will all work out, but here we present out first short: “Do You Know Where Your Children Are”.  We hope you have as much fun watching it as we did making it.

Go on. Ask them why this is on their front page. See what kind of answer you get.

Some of my friends in Kentucky run a blog.  A ridiculously successful one.  Anyways, when I’m not brimming with jealousy (HEY!  I’ll get there one day!), I’m over reading and laughing with, seemingly, half the known world.  Happy Third Year,  Hot Hot Japan Hot.  Do yourself a favor and check it out.  More after the jump.  Even better, though, if you live in the Louisville, KY area, they’re having a party to celebrate.  I think the below video will make everything clear.  Or, at least you’ll know where the hell this is going down.  Anyways, I just wanted to say Happy Third, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, guys.  Maybe someday, when I’ve lost my sanity and my will to keep a healthy liver.

Uh…please.

Believe me. I'm not joking when I say, this is actually a father/son duo in this picture. Ugh.

It is by no small coincidence that my children’s visit to me during the summer also includes Father’s Day.  Yesterday’s was one of my best, and I’ll tell you why in a second.  Before I do, I want to say this one thing.  Over the course of Father’s Day yesterday, I saw a lot of Dad hate going on.  And, if that’s your particular brand of whiskey, have at it.  But, I also saw that publically getting annoyed with people who simply wanted to say Happy Father’s Day to their father’s on the internet.  I have to say, I was offended in no small part by the assumption that most men simply don’t care for their children.  Financially or emotionally.  I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, (and if it happened to you, I’m sorry) but I will say that you don’t see this kind of negative sentiment come Mother’s Day, and I’ve seen plenty of horrible mothers out there.  Capisce?  Very well.  Let’s get on to my excellent Father’s Day, and speak no more of this, after the jump!

ThatCostumeGirl and her mother took all of us out to see The Wizard of Oz.  Not the movie.  THIS Wizard of Oz, and I have to say, it lived up to all my expectations of it.  But, my greatest expectation (What?  I can’t improve on Dickens?) was for my son, who had never been to a live show other than his participation in his school’s production of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as an Oompa Loompa.  He adored the show, and was not self-conscious about liking a musical, as I had feared he would be.  He was attentive, he laughed the whole time, and…and…well, he threatened me during intermission.  He said that he was going to go to sleep during the show.  I said no.  He asked why.  Then I threatened him with gross bodily harm if he did so.  He laughed, and then took a nap during the rest of intermission.  I’m glad he thought I was kidding.  Then again, wasting a seven year old at an afternoon production of The Wizard of Oz wouldn’t have been in the best form.  At least, not on Father’s Day.  My daughter, as I’ve mentioned previously, was taken to see Wicked when she was at an age to appreciate it, and my son would have been too young for it.

Not only did we have a good time, but ThatCostumeGirl’s father did as well, which was important to me.  I don’t know why.  He’s not my father, after all.  But, as you may have guessed, the parents that produced such an odd creature as ThatCostumeGirl must be awesome themselves.  And, they are.  They also love my kids, and the feeling is mutual.  Then, we were taken to PF Chang’s.  This was my first visit to the Chinese restaurant, and DAMN was it good.  I thought the boy was going to balk over it, with his constantly asking “What KIND of Chinese food, Daddy?”.  But I’ll be damned if he didn’t eat almost three plates himself.  The little hog.  My little girl (and, yes, I will continue to call her that as long as I can) ate up, and, might I add, loved the show (See, not only do I produce beautiful children, but they also have good taste!).  Then they gave me some cards and DVDs of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and Hang’em High!  Though, I think that might have been a misstep for them, as now they’re forced to watch these movie.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

Hey!  What’s the point of having your own blog if you can’t be self indulgent from time to time.  My children, my fiance, and her parents all showed me an amazing time yesterday, and I just want to say, publically, thank you.  It was nice to have all these people around me, and not be depressed when this particular holiday came around. 

Thanks again, and I love you all. (The people I mentioned before…not you, random internet user!  Go read some of my other stuff, it’s much better, and probably what you came here to read!)

My Grandaddy with my Mother. That's why he's my Grandaddy, you know.

This seems like kind of a no brainer given that Father’s Day is coming and Chuck Norris and my Grandaddy are damn near the same age.  I would worry about whether or not I’m going to offend my Grandaddy, but it’s not like he ever comes to this site.  That would require him to be home from whatever exotic island he and my grandmother are seemingly always visiting.  There is one very solid difference between these two men.  I’m not frightened of Chuck Norris, and my Grandaddy scares the living shit out of me!  Find out why after the jump!

1.  A bull once kicked my Grandaddy.  His response?  To barehanded rip its horn off.  True story.

2.  My Grandaddy hasn’t grown a beard as long as I’ve known him.  Why?  He once did in his youth, and impressed a peer so much that he was never without a beard again.  That man: Chuck Norris.  Grandaddy thought he looked goofy and felt so bad about it, that he never grew a beard again.

3.  My Grandaddy’s nickname?  “Red”.  You’d think it had something to do with his hair color, but the truth is, he was so filled with rage in his youth that Red was the only color he could see.

4.  My Grandaddy works out everyday.  As he lifts boulders and cows over his head, he laughs every time he sees ones of those Chuck Norris Total Gym commercials.

5.  My Grandaddy doesn’t cut down Christmas trees.  He punches them down.  They spontaneously decorate themselves on the ground.

6.  You know that fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris?  Well, Bruce and my Grandaddy once fought, and THAT fight was half as long and ended with Bruce Lee crying.

7.  My Grandaddy has a bench grinder.  I thought it was for grinding, but it turns out that he uses it to scratch his back.  Like a MAN!

8.  Chuck Norris might have played a Texas Ranger, but my Grandaddy is a volunteer fireman.  No shit.

9.  My Grandaddy used to raise cattle for slaughter.  He didn’t send the cows to the slaughterhouse.  He took care of that business with his bare hands.  Because he was bored.

10.  Chuck Norris let Average Joes compete in the Dodgeball final.  My Grandaddy used to come to my baseball games.  I’m sticking with Grandaddy.  Whether or not you do is up to you, but I warn you.  He’s huge!