Go on. Ask them why this is on their front page. See what kind of answer you get.

Some of my friends in Kentucky run a blog.  A ridiculously successful one.  Anyways, when I’m not brimming with jealousy (HEY!  I’ll get there one day!), I’m over reading and laughing with, seemingly, half the known world.  Happy Third Year,  Hot Hot Japan Hot.  Do yourself a favor and check it out.  More after the jump.  Even better, though, if you live in the Louisville, KY area, they’re having a party to celebrate.  I think the below video will make everything clear.  Or, at least you’ll know where the hell this is going down.  Anyways, I just wanted to say Happy Third, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, guys.  Maybe someday, when I’ve lost my sanity and my will to keep a healthy liver.

I present the finest actor of this, or any other generation.

Hey!  It’s Saturday morning (technically), so why not a post about my personal favorite cartoon character and patron saint of drunk people, Goofy?!

From humble beginnings did my favorite dog begin.  First, he appeared in Mickey’s Revue(1932), immediately establishing himself as a young black actor to watch!  What?  Look at him!  His skin is black!  Oh…that’s fur.  Sorry.

Anyways, racial tension aside, he was a bit player in this cartoon short under the name Dippy Dawg.  Yeah, if I was an actor, and that was my name, I’d be in my fucking trailer.  He was, however, voiced by the man who would give Goofy his distinctive folksy voice, Pinto Clovig.  No, I’m not making that name up.  Someone named their son Pinto.

For several years afterwards, Goofy would play the good natured third to Disney’s above the title credit grabbing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.  Two real standouts for the trio come to mind.  Lonesome Ghosts(1937), where the group plays a bunch of inept spirit hunters, and the excellent Mickey’s Trailer(1938) where the gang heads out for the open road with Goofy as the driver and Donald as a lazy, shiftless layabout.  Really!  Watch that cartoon and tell me I’m wrong.  That duck bastard does nothing but sleep and bitch in that cartoon!

Goofy wouldn’t get his own cartoon short for another seven years.  That came with Goofy and Wilbur (1939) with Goofy on a fishing trip along with his favorite bait, a cricket named Wilbur.  The cartoon is funny enough, but the character wouldn’t begin to shine until Goofy’s Glider(1940) where he got a new format and a new voice!  George Johnson takes over for Pinto here, and does a fine job of it, though Pinto Clovig would return sporadically to voice everyone’s favorite dog.  The change in format meant that the era of Goofy’s “How To” cartoons were to begin.  And what magnificent cartoons they are!

For me, these are the best cartoons in history.  There are several benchmarks here, not just in animation, but in humor in the round!  The Art of Skiing (1941, and, consequently, the fist time the “Goofy Yell” is heard), How to Play Baseball(1941), How to Swim(1942), and Hockey Homicide (1945) are all some of the funniest seven minutes you could hope to spend.  My personal favorite is How to Play Golf(1944).  This short features what has to be to funniest bull in cartoon history!

In the 50s, these cartoons would take a different view of the world, and came out with such gems as Tomorrow We Diet!(1951) , No Smoking(1951), Teachers Are People(1952), and, my favorite (because it makes me cry…sue me!)  Fathers Are People(1951).  Here, the narrator is gone in place of simply watching Goofy try to deal with everyday hardships on his own.  Also of note during this period is the Buyer Award Trophy winning short Motor Mania(1950). This one’s hard to forget because it’s the one where Mr. Walker turns into MR. WHEELER (Motorist)!

Sure, a younger generation remembers him from Goof Troop(1993) (I couldn’t stand it), and the much better A Goofy Movie(1995)where voice actor Bill Farmer started filling in his voice(and very well, I might add).  That’s okay, though.  Why I call him the patron saint of drunks is, he’s clumsy as shit, he runs into everything, falls down, gets tangled up…but does he ever get really hurt?  No!  Just like most drunks!  And, he looks good doing it.  Just like me!

If you look around the internet, you can find the various shorts I’ve mentioned.  Or, better yet, find the Disney Treasure Collection:  The Complete Goofy and secure it for yourself.  It’s still one of my favorite DVDs, and if you give it a chance, I’m sure it’ll be yours too.

And, remember:  “There’s somethin’ wrong here…”

Ooooh baby. You ain't safe.

It’s Friday, I ain’t got no job, and I ain’t got shit to do.  So, I think I’ll just get drunk.

Before I do, however, there’s some business to discuss.  First off, I can’t drink in an unclean house.  I don’t know why this is and I think it might be a hint at a larger psychological problem (as ThatCostumeGirl has guessed).  Second, I have to be clean to drink.  Again, reason unknown…Though I think it’s that I don’t want to shower after I start drinking and kill my buzz.  Next, I try to organize what I might do while hammered, because, shit man, I won’t be able to remember that later!  Usually it’s a movie or group of movies, a musical or two (Thank you Dr. Horrible…you’re just the right length! ((That’s what she said))), Guitar Hero, or Halo 3 (with everyone muted…please, if I want to be called names, I’ll just go to a family reunion.)

Next, the fun part.  Booze selection.  Now, if I’m out at a restaurant, I try to order the gayest looking drink they have.  Why?  Waiter’s reactions, people around you’s reactions, my fiance’s reaction.  Totally worth ordering something that’s blue, with an umbrella in a three foot tall hurricane glass.  If I’m at home, I usually start with beer, and more often than not, that’s Michelob Ultra.  Hey, I’ll be honest.  I’m a fan of utilitarian, lawnmower beers.  I drink a lot of beer, so I want something light that will eventually get me drunk.

Hey there, sexy!

If it’s going to be a fun night, we progress from there.  Usually to Seagram’s 7 and Coke, usually consumed through a Krazy Straw.  Seagram’s might be horrible on its own, but mixed with something, it’s right on time.  By this time, I’m usually pretty silly, loud, and slurry.  You know…fun!  ThatCostumeGirl does a good job of wrangling me, but I’m not a wandering drunk.  (And you assholes who do that out there…and you know who you are…shame on you!)  The switch to whiskey usually begins the videogame portion of the evening, though not Guitar Hero, because I’ve found a sweet spot between beers 6 and 9 where I play better than I do sober.  After that, it’s strictly shooting 12 yr olds on Halo, or crooning at my TV.  If ThatCostumeGirl is lucky, I won’t break out the two costumes I have from musicals:  Dr. Horrible or Seymour Krelborn complete with puppet plant.  Unfortunately, she’s not that lucky in this regard.

After this, I will continue to drink myself stupid after putting in a movie I have no intentions of finishing.  It’ll be like “HEYYY!! I’bn habbn’t seen thissss pieceashit in a whale!”  Yeah..that’s about how it’ll sound too.  So..sorry The Island, looks like you’ll be fell asleep on tonight.  After I fall out, ThatCostumeGirl will guide me back to bed where I’ll get up in the morning completely confused as to how I got there, let alone where my last costume went.

The next morning, I’ll get up, shake my head shamedly at the empties sitting around, throw them away, and fix breakfast in lieu of apology.  In a fit of shame and self-loathing, I’ll finish the movie I started watching the night before, no matter how bad it is.  (Why do I want to watch The Island so much when I’m drunk…Well, I guess it’s a fitting punishment.)

And then I say “I’ve got to stop doing this.”  So, you know…next week, there’s that litle bit of guilt when I do it again!

And, there’s my typical Friday night drunken geek out.  Don’t act like you don’t throw on costumes when you’re drunk!!!