Absolutely BADASS!!!

After writing the first Postmodern Metahuman post about the Mythbusters, I needed to contrive a superteam to go against them.  Seeing as how I could equate most of the Mythbusters with supervillains, I’ve decided to turn the Iron Chef America team into superheroes.  I mean, someone’s got to take on the menace that is Mythbusters!  Anyways, let’s take a look at superheroes I came up with for one of my favorite shows Iron Chef America!

Smarter than me.

Smarter than me, too.

As we didn’t cover narrator Robert in Postmodern Mythbusters (and I stand by that…he’s just a disembodied voice, who’s replaced by someone else for European and Australian versions of the show), but we will put their narrator against Iron Chef America’s Master of Ceremonies, Alton Brown!  Alton Brown is a supergenius, but has very little effect over the show.  Much like my choice for him, Professor X (Charles Xavier)!  He’s a highly effective leader…that is, until someone shoves his wheelchair over or some crap.  Alton Brown has an encyclopedic knowledge of food, and he never, ever becomes flustered in his play by play of the foody goings-on, that is, until one of the chefs whips out an ingredient or a variant on an ingredient that Alton’s never heard of.   Then he starts stuttering and saying “TO ME, MY IRON CHEFS!”  Okay, he doesn’t do that, but he might as well.  Alton Brown, like Professor X is all powerful in his chosen medium until he gets even the smallest injury (mostly to his pride).  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Goofy and somehow frightening.

Frightening, and somehow goofy.

Now, to the meat of it (HA!).  The Chairman of Iron Chef America is played by stuntman and decent actor Mark Dacascos.  He can be seen flipping around Kitchen Stadium like a madman, overpronouncing ingredients (which is odd, because his native tongue is English, and he speaks several languages fluently), stalking about during the competition, giving his tacet approval to the cooking going on.  But, you can see in his stance that he’s a dangerous animal.  For that reason, I’ve chosen for him The Karate Kid (Val Amorr).  Now, just so you know, NO this has no connection to Ralph Macchio (as awesome as that would be).  Karate Kid is one of the futuristic group of do-gooders known as The Legion of Superheroes!  And, he’s so good at hand to hand combat that he can devastate much larger, more powerful opponents (read:  Batman).  Let one of the opponent chefs get really, really out of line, and I bet The Chairman would settle their hash with lightning speed.  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Scary!

Scary!

One of my favorite chefs on Iron Chef America is one of the holdovers from the original Iron Chef Japan, Masaharu Morimoto.  Not only is his food beautiful, but he has the winningest record on the show.  His knives fly about as if independent of his will!  You know someone else who does the same thing?  Marvel superhero and occasional bad guy Silver Samurai (Kenuichio Harada).  Sure, he’s set up as a foil for Wolverine, but he certainly knows what he’s doing, and he’s more than a little intimidating.  Just like Morimoto (Well, not the Wolverine part).  Plus, he can channel energy into his sword!  I don’t know how anyone ever chooses to go against Morimoto, he’s such a badass on that show.  And, if you can manage to scare Wolverine, then you’re taking a step in the right direction.  Morimoto and a sushi knife vs. Wolverine?  Hell yeah!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Oh my...

Oh my...

Iron Chef Cat Cora is awesome!  First off…that’s a hell of a handle she’s got.  Second off, you can’t deny that she’s both hot, and completely competent in what she does.  That fact that she’s a lesbian has nothing to do with any of that…but it still adds a kind of mystique to the proceedings.  You know who else plays with the ladies, is hot, has a cool name, and knows what she’s doing in her chosen profession?  Well, that’d be cat burglar and sometimes Spider-Man love interest Black Cat (Felicia Hardy)!  Think about it, Cat Cora in that black vinyl and white fur collared costume, that grappling hook whipping around Kitchen Stadium, grabbing what she needed to cook?!  She wouldn’t even need any sous chefs!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

That's a big, strong, guy.

That's a big, Strong Guy!

Mario Batali isn’t necessarily the most talented chef on Iron Chef America, but I’ll tell you this:  He’s certainly the most entertaining to watch.  He turns what he’s doing into an talent laced SHOW, and he’s magnificent to watch.  Being huge and Italian, I decided to pair him with Guido Carosella aka Strong Guy from X-Factor.  While he was never the best at what he did, Guido was always funny and usually trying to impress those around him.  What would you do with the ability to change your mass at will?  I know what I would do, and it has a lot to do with trying to be funny.  Plus, imagine Mario with those goggles on and a giant flame rising from one of his skillets!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Dork.

DORK!

And now, on to the last.  You want to know why so many people challenge Bobby Flay?  It’s because whenever they take him on, they know exactly what he’s going to do.  Grill something, and spray jalapeno oil all over everything.  With his red hair and freckles (and the fact that he’s my least favorite chef on the show) it seems like he’d be a cinch to pair with Jimmy Olsen.  Now, I can hear your hackles rising.  “Jimmy Olsen is no superhero!”  Ordinarily, that’d be true.  Recently, however, it was revealed that Jimmy Olsen was Darkseid’s hiding place for the anit-life equation.  Whenever he was in mortal peril, his body would change into whatever it would have to to save him.  I can’t imagine anything better to pair with Bobby Flay, who seems to win occasionally by the skin of his teeth (unless Jeffrey Steingarten is judging him…then you KNOW he’s going to lose!)  Jimmy tried to parley this new ability into a superhero career as Mr. Action…the lamest superhero in history.  Jimmy Olsen spraying pepper oil all over everything in a lame attempt to win?  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

And, there you have it!  My choosings for superheros from Iron Chef America!  Now, I just have to have them throwdown (HA!) with the Mythbusters supervillain gang.  I tell you, at this moment, I have no idea how it would play out myself.  I’ll write it up as soon as I can, but I have to tell you that I find the idea of building more Postmodern superhero/supervillan teams to be quite awesome.  Making them fight would just mean that I had to get rid of some of them.  So, be on the lookout for more of the same in the future.  And, who know…perhaps I’ll have a huge battle royale with reader input someday!  Until then, however, keep watching the skies, and Excelsior!

Why, Dick! You are quite the little badass, aren't you?!

We’re drawing to a close in our last week of Superhero and Supervillain love here at ManWithPez.  For one last hurrah, let’s take a look at some videos that I’ve liked for sometime, and two of them are fan made.  For the most part, I’ve never liked fan films, but when it comes to comics, people just like to let their natural geek flag fly.  The results, as I’m sure you’ll see, are filled with equal parts love and awesomeness.  The third one…well, that’s just a little something for me.  Mostly because I really, really love The Flash.  Streaming Internet Theater occurs after the jump!

I first saw this clip at Dragon Con, on their excellent Dragon Con TV.  If you ever get to go to that Con…and you should, make certain that you tune in on your motel TV and check out some of the cooler things they have to show you.  Here’s a look at fan film Fast Times at Hero High (Personally, I love Lex Luthor in this!):

Coming up next, another favorite of mine, and another short that I caught at Dragon Con.  Admittedly, as a friend pointed out to me, the movie that this trailer would be showing you would be roughly 10 hours long.  But those would be the most awesome 10 hours you ever spent in your life!  I present Grayson, one of the best fan films ever made!  And, if you get the chance, swing by Youtube and check out the making of commentary by the maker of the film, John Fiorella.

And, last but by no means least, here’s a glimpse of a Flash video game that never finished production.  As you can see, it would have been a pretty badass game.  I’m guessing that the problem with finishing the game (besides not being able to find a distributor) is that The Flash really doesn’t have any bad guys that are worth a shit (Besides Gorilla Grodd…and he’s a MONKEY!) Here’s a look at The Flash video game that never was.

Superman just before he delivers a global slap to Norris.

First thing, I haven’t written a “vs Chuck Norris” piece in FOREVER!  Second, I know that the comic book stuff was supposed to end at the end of May.  Well, besides just being a lazy git, I’ve experienced some minor technical difficulties, and ManWithPez has suffered for that reason.  Well, I had some pieces that, like THE MUSIC, I just had to get out of me.  This one:  Superman vs Chuck Norris is one that I’ve had on my mind for some time, and I just need you assholes…sorry…you people to read it!  So, for your perusal, Superman, the original American (though…alien, you know) Boyscout, vs Chuck Norris…the original Texas Ranger.  Let’s see it play out, after the jump!

1.  Look!  Up in the sky!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  Oh dear…it’s the floating corpse of Chuck Norris after Superman knocked his dumb ass into orbit.

2.  It’s Smallville, Kansas vs Texas in a Battle Royale for the ages!  It’s…it’s….Oh shit.  It’s over already.  See you in Hell, Chuck Norris.

3.  Chuck Norris tried to punch Superman with the fist hidden under his beard.  You know what that led to?  Broken beard-first knuckles.

4.  Superman has teamed up with Batman several times to stop the end of the world, amongst other thing.  Chuck Norris teamed up with Sammo Hung a couple times.  Probably to accost a buffet or some shit.

5.  Chuck Norris came at Superman with a hunk of Kryptonite, so Superman countered with Chuck Norris’s greatest weakness:  Low ratings.

6.  Sidekicks!  Well, let’s take a look, shall we?  Superman has Superboy, Krypto, Supergirl, etc, etc.  Chuck Norris has suicidal Jonathan Brandis.   Winner:  SUPERMAN!

7.  Chuck Norris is best known for his roundhouse kick.  Superman is known for his flying ’round the world to change time.  I think Superman might have this one in the bag.

8.  Superman’s greatest nemesis is supergenius Lex Luthor.  Chuck Norris’s greatest nemesis is old age.  Sorry to hear you’ve turned 70, you old bastard!

9.   Superman is the reason that Chuck Norris went Missing in Action in the first place.

10.  The only person that Lois Lane might consider boning besides Superman is Batman.  Let’s just say that Chuck Norris is NO Batman.

Yeeeeah…I kinda apologize for number 6, but not that much because I was forced to watch the utter shitfest that was Sidekicks!

Strip by Scott Kurtz. Pretending That Kurtz Isn't An Asshole by ManWithPez.

Face it!  Bruce Wayne has it coming, and not just the Goddamn Batman version of him, either!  He’s just so damn smug and confident in himself and his intellect, and you just want to slap the everlovin’ shit out of him.  Maybe that’s just me, though.  Batman…he’s awful hard to fool, but I’ve noticed something about the character.  In his race to prove to the world that’s he a big hardass, he’s revealed that he’s very, very easily annoyed.  So, come with me, and let’s discuss different ways to annoy Batman, after the jump.

1.  Replace the pointy bat ears on Batman’s mask with fuzzy white rabbit ears.  See how long it takes him to figure it out.

2.  Tell the Joker that Batman is really Alfred Pennyworth.  You know…close to the mark, but not quite a bullseye.  Stick around to see Batman’s reaction to having the Joker in stately Wayne Manor.

3.  The next time you see Batman with Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, BatWoman, Huntress, Catwoman, or any number of other Batfamily, ask him if there’s just too much crime for him to handle on his own.

4.  Ask Bruce what he’s going to do for Mother/Father’s Day. 

5.  Feed Ace, The Bathound a pound of laxative and set him loose in the Batcave.

6.  Ask Batman if the Batmobile is so big because he’s compensating for something besides the death of his parents.

7.  Tell Robin wit in earshot of Batman that it’s okay to reveal if Batman has engaged in a Bat-Touch in a bad way.

8.  Secretly (Good luck!) glue Batman’s cape to his BatBoots.  See how far he can run THEN!

9.  Give the Goddamn Batman (or any Frank Miller version of Batman, really) a cookie and a glass of milk and tell him it’s going to be okay.  You might want to run.  That particular Batman isn’t picky about killing people.

10.  Create a storyline where Bruce’s mom was a crack whore, Bruce’s father was a drug dealer, and Alfred was really Bruce’s father, with Bruce being conceived during a gangbang.  Oh wait…scratch that…it’s been done. (You might want to avoid the last two years of Batman comics, by the way.)

Oh yeah! The Poison Ivy Pinup!

For our last Hot Nerd Crush of May, and the last comic hot ones we’ll be looking at….oh, for quite some time, let’s take a look at a Batman bad girl and the leader of the X-Men.  Both of them have quite unique abilities, but one has a festering hatred for men, and the other…well, he’s a man.  Besides playing for opposite comic book teams, they have little in common, other than the odd ability to pull high class tail despite the fact that the two of them do have rather odd appearances (Green and bald parapalegic, respectively).  Ladies and gentlemen (Yeah…like either one of those demographics come to THIS site), I present Poison Ivy and Professor X after the jump.

Pamela Isley, better known as Poison Ivy in the Batman universe is a bad, bad girl.  She was once a hot, young botanist in love, until her lover (The Floronic Man.  No shit!  Way to pick em, there, Pamela.) tried to poison her with plant toxins.  Ivy discovered that she is immune to all poisons and toxins, deciding to use them against everyone else in her agenda of keeping the world as natural as possible.  See, that’s the real problem with this chick.  She’s not really that bad of a person.  At least, her goals aren’t bad.  She, of course, coming from Gotham City, is batshit crazy.  Using her knowledge of plant toxins, she develops a lipstick (no shit), and anyone she kisses while wearing it is under her control.  It’s been seen working on Batman, Catwoman (HOT!)….even Superman.  Despite the silliness of her usual modus operandi (Oh shit!  Killer dandelions!  RUN!), whenever she’s on the scene, people are more than a little intimidated by her.  Mostly because human beings mean exactly dick to her when compared to the importance of plant life.  She does weild a wrist mounted crossbow, and you can guess what she coats the tips of the arrows with.  Different artists depict her different ways, but I like the green skinned Orion slave girl version of her.  Mostly because in this guise, it seems so odd that someone would just make out with a green chick…but they must have at some time!  That’s the other thing about Poison Ivy…You have no plausible deniability.  If you’re under her spell, that means you just got caught making out with a green woman who ISN’T She-Hulk.  She’s still ridiculously hot for all her greenness, though.

When I said the Professor gets the pussy, I totally meant something else.

On the “not green” side of the ledger, there’s Professor Charles Xavier, or leader/founder of the X-Men, Professor X.  Apparently his mutant ability early in the comics was to get his ass kicked right out of his wheelchair, and then psychically call for the team “To me, my X-Men.”  Kinda lame, really.  Sooner or later, the writers figured out that they might need to do more with “the world’s most powerful telepath”.  So, they did, turning him into an occasionally absent powerhouse who very nearly killed most of the Marvel Universe when he got a hard-on for the wrong girl.  More on that in a second.  My favorite appearance of his would have to be during the giant X-crossover “Fatal Attractions”, when Professor X decided he’s simply had enough of archvillain Magneto’s shit.  When Magneto crashes Illyana Rasputin’s funeral, Professor X grabs him, commandeers his power, and drives Magneto into the upper atmosphere.  Later in the story, he completely wiped Magneto’s mind, turning him into a vegetable.  It set the stage for possibly the single greatest threat the Marvel Universe had faced.  You see, what was left of Magneto fused with the worst parts of Charles Xavier’s brain…including one part that totally had the hots for Jean Grey.  Ewwww!  This fused being became Onslaught, a villain that bitchslapped the Hulk just for looking at him the wrong way.  Fascinating stuff, but Charles, for a bald guy in a wheelchair, gets the girls.  Be it the famous mutant doctor Moira McTaggert, or the Queen of the Shi’ar Lilandra, Charles pulls the tail.  I’m guessing his ability to manipulate minds might have something to do with it.  But in a sexy way…not a date rape kind of way at all!

Oh Max...you bad, bad boy!

Here at ManWithPez, we do not discriminate against the good guys and the bad guys when it comes the Hot Nerd Crush.  Last time, it was Mystique, who really was as bad as they come.  This time, we’re going to have a look at a bad guy and good lady!  One is as bad as they come, and very nearly destroyed the entire DC universe with his murderous machinations.  The other is a mutant who controls weather.  As goofy as that sounds, she’s really not to be trifled with.  Maxwell Lord and Storm, Hot Nerd Crushes, after the jump.

Now, you might be asking yourself, after including Booster Gold in the last Hot Nerd Crush, why would I pick the man who killed his best friend, Blue Beetle?  (And, he didn’t just kill him…he blew his friggin’ head off!)  Well, the truth is, he was ridiculously dangerous!  So much so that he had to be put down like a dog!  He wasn’t always a bad guy, though.  He helped establish the Justice League International.  He was always a bit ruthless, however, and when it was revealed that he had mind control powers, you just knew he was up to no good.  During Infinite Crisis, he set loose the OMACS, who were actually people that had been injected with nanotech to imbue them with superpowers.  Of course, he used them to try and take over the world, but it didn’t stop there!   After killing Ted Kord, The Blue Beetle, he took over the mind of Superman, and began to use him to take out the Justice League.  The only thing that stopped him?  Well, that’d be Wonder Woman, snapping his neck for him.  You don’t mess with the Amazon.  Lord damn near dared her to do it.  And, of course, it was recorded and rebroadcast the world over, making Diana a virtual world criminal.  His machinations continued after his death, and it damn near destroyed everything!  Now, that’s foresight!  You simply have to admire it!  And, I do…which speaks volumes about the kind of person I am, I suppose.

She's quite an electrifying presence, huh?

Ororo Tchalla nee Munroe is one of the baddest MF’ers in comic book history.  She’s a mutant with the ability to locally control weather patterns.  An ability she’s weilded to devastating effect time and again.  She’s now married to the King of Wakanda, The Black Panther, making her the queen consort of an entire African nation.  Before that, however, she was a leader of the X-Men.  My single favorite moment of hers occured in the sewers.  The Morlocks, a group of mutants who live in the underground have a new leader, Marrow.  Or, they thought they did.  You see, at one time Storm was the leader of the Morlocks, and relinquished control to Callisto.  The only way to assume leadership?  Mortal combat.  Which this girl Marrow wanted from Ororo.  Storm gave it to her in spades in a brutal hand to hand battle (Marrow, a mutant who has bone growing out of her skin, used her powers in the fight.  Storm did not) the culminated with Storm tearing out Marrow’s heart!  (To be fair…it had a bomb wired to it.)  Now THAT’S how you settle a damn fight!  Storm is hot, she’s badass, and she does NOT take shit off anyone…making her a perfect choice for Hot Nerd Crush.

And THAT'S what Mystique is SUPPOSED to look like! You hearin' me Rebecca Romijn?

Oh, Hot Nerd Crush…how I’ve missed you!  I suppose a recount of the guidelines are in order, huh?  Okay…first off, I’m not gay.  Doesn’t mean I can’t find a man attractive, and I stand by that. I just highlight a few people now and again that I think your typical dork might find attractive.  Just lately, they’ve all been fictional people. In the last few instances of Hot Nerd Crush, I’ve been highlighting comic book superheroes, and as is my wont, I changed the rules in the middle of the game.  For the rest of the month, we’re adding the villains in too.  So, this week, let’s take a look at favorite Marvel badgirl Mystique and current DC good guy (That you’re never heard of) Booster Gold!

Boy…character histories don’t come more convoluted than the blue hotness that is Raven Darkholme, or Mystique!  All I know is that she’s an all around badass!  While normally, she chooses to strike and then use her shapeshifting abilities to disappear into a crowd, when she’s pressed on the attack, the effects are devestating to anyone she’s up against.  Her abilities make her age indeterminate, and she’s given birth two times (that we know of) making her one of the hottest MILFs in comics!  She had a son with gnarly X-Men villain Sabertooth (Ugh…that’s not right!).  Their offspring was the completely human Graydon Creed.  Mystique wanted nothing to do with him after finding out he was Homo Sapien rather than Homo Superior…Harsh!  Also, along with the demonlike mutant Azazel, she gave birth to one of my favorite mutants, Nightcrawler!  She’s mean, she’s smart, she’s into chicks (Seriously…she raised Rogue with some help from a female mutant named Destiny…rowr!)  And she’s damn near unkillable.  Personally, my favorite storyline of hers is “Get Mystique” wherein Wolverine has a bone to pick with Mystique…and he does, to fanboy satisfaction.

Protecting your future to save his ass....PAST! I meant past!

My personal favorite superhero just lately has changed. Normally, Spider-Man would hold that billing, but along comes Michael Carter, aka Booster Gold!  (Or, Booster F’n Gold as he’s known around this house.  No, really…that’s what my kids call him.  They pronounce the F and everything!)  While Booster’s history hasn’t always been the greatest (Indeed, he was thrown out of the sport of football for throwing games against bets he had placed himself…Naughty, Booster…just naughty!)  he is a superhero of the future come back to save us all.  Originally for fortune and glory, kid…fortune and glory.  He was a night watchman in a museum in the future in Metropolis along with his trusty security robot, Skeets (YAY, SKEETS!), Michael steals a forcefield belt and a Legionaire flight ring, and journeys to the past, where he knows what’s going to happen to whom and where, and decides to make himself a superhero!  While Booster is a shameless self promoter, you can’t help but love the guy!  If you read his current comics incarnation, then you know that his new job is travelling throughout time with his son Rip Hunter and righting certain temporal wrongs.  The downside…no one can know that he was involved.  Kinda puts a dent in the fortune and glory stuff.  Of course, he’s fantastic at it.  He’s Booster F’n Gold!  He gets the job done, even when the job is impossible!  Booster can’t help but show that inside him are all the characterstics of a great superhero, and while he seems self involved, he will do what needs to be done.

On a side note for Booster Gold:  Booster has appeared in two of the DC Animated Universe’s shows, to great effect.  In Justice League Unlimited, he was in one of my favorite half hours of television ever in an episode called “The Greatest Story Never Told“, and he lent a hand to Batman in Batman:  The Brave and the Bold in “Menace of the Conqueror Caveman“, and was just as great as ever.  Kudos to Tom Everett Scott for his brilliant voice work as Booster, and to Billy West as Skeets in both of those episodes.  Watch either one of these episodes, and you’ll see what makes these two brilliant!

I'd be upset too, if I suddenly realized I had inadvertently put a Gay Pride Triangle on my armor.

Tony Stark is a pretty mellow guy, when he’s not being harangued by his inner-demons, that is.  He’s a brilliant engineer and inventor, but he’s also a bit arrogant, and more than a bit alcoholic.  Hey, if I could drink and fly around in my kick-ass metal suit and blow shit up all day, you’d never hear from my fat ass again!  That being said, I’m certain there are ways to piss him off.  Here’s the best ten I could think of.  (Okay, here’s the fastest ten I could think of…you happy now?!)

10.  Bump into Tony Stark at a party and say “Excuse me, Mr. Wayne.”

9.  Ask Iron Man how it is to have “Rust” listed as an enemy.

8.  Every chance you get, say thank you to Iron Man by declaring “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.”

7.  If the Iron Man armor ever freezes up, make as many “Oil can” jokes as you can before actually assisting Mr. Stark.

6.  Remind Mr. Stark that you were against the Superhero Registration Act from the start, and that there’s not a damn thing he can do about it.

5.  Swap out all the scotch in Tony’s house with motor oil.  (I wouldn’t hang around to see how this ends, actually.)

4.  When Tony is trying to put on his armor, try to roll a smokebomb into it before he can get it completely done up.

3.  If Mr. Stark ever gives you any money, use the light from the ARC Reactor in his chest to see if it is counterfeit.

2.  Take a shot at Iron Man with a high powered rifle.  When he confronts you about it, say “Aw…that’ll buff right out.  No need to call the insurance company.”

1.  See if Iron Man will let you roast a hot dog off his “exhaust”.

A woman you can't touch with a pet dragon that can burn the shit out of you. I give up!

If you’re into comics at all and neither one of these two do anything for you…You may be dead.  Okay, maybe having crushes on clearly fictional people is a cry for help, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work for you!  I mean, you’ve taken it too far if you’re sleeping with your comics, but who hasn’t done that from time to time.  I mean other than me.  I’d never do that.  Ever.  One is a mutant who can move through solid objects, and the other is a man who can kick anyone’s ass.  Presenting Hot Nerd Crush:  Bruce Wayne and Kitty Pryde after the jump.

Katherine Pryde is a dangerous woman.  Wolverine himself once said that he didn’t want to spar her because he didn’t feel like bleeding.  She’s an accomplished martial artist, ridiculously smart, hot, and totally willing to make it with organic steel men.  If that’s not a dreamgirl, I don’t know what is?!  She comes from Xavier’s fabled “New Mutants” class, but went on to head up her own team in England, called Excalibre.  I don’t know why it was called that, but it was.  She formed a hot and heavy relationship with Piotr Rasputin, or Colossus.  Dude’s made of metal.  I don’t blame her.  She was recently fabulously showcased in the Joss Whedon-penned Astonishing X-Men, where it’s clear that Joss has had the hots for Ms. Pryde for some time.  In the last Whedon issue, he turns her into a powerhouse that has to be seen to be believed.  I don’t often drop jaw at comic books, but that one certainly made me.  (John Cassaday certainly had his hand in that, too.)  I enjoyed Ellen Page’s take on the character as well, what with her making The Juggernaut look like a bitch and all.

Bruce Wayne in a tux. A little something for da ladies.

Bruce Wayne is Batman.  (Oh shit…sorry for the spoiler)  Do you really need to say anymore.  He’s the powerless superhero that the entirety of the DC Universe is terrified of.  He punched a New God in the face for chrissakes!!!  Take THAT, Darkseid!  I used to get phonecalls late at night when I was in the Air Force from people on shift who were arguing over who could take Batman in a fight!   The fact that he’s scary as shit and supersmart does little to mask that he’s a bit crazy.  You don’t just dress up like a bat and beat the shit out of people just because your parents were killed by a mugger.   Then again, this happened in Gotham City, where it would appear EVERYONE has a costume in their closet.  In the animated World’s Finest Superman/Batman movie, on Batman’s first meeting with Superman, he just tossed him around for a bit.  The response from Superman (after knocking the wind out of Batman) was “I knew you were crazy, but I didn’t think you were stupid.”  It’s Batman’s unyielding sense of duty to his fallen parents that defines him as a superhero and keeps him standing when others would simply lay over.  I’m not the biggest Batman fan out there, mostly because I don’t care for the comics (except Hush!  Do yourself a favor, find it, and read it!) but I love the character, who once beat up Superman simply because he anticipated how the Kryptonian would fight.  He used the fact that Superman is a good person at heart against him, because Batman isn’t a good person at heart.  That’s how you get to be a Hot Nerd Mancrush around here!

Look at them...with their science and their beady eyes. Villainous, I tells ya!

You don’t have to look around here very long to understand that I’m a huge Mythbusters fan.  Indeed, besides my little love note to Malcolm McDowell, the two next highest attention gathering articles I’ve written here have been Chuck Norris vs Grant Imahara and some rules for a Mythbusters drinking game.  This being self declared Superhero month, however, I’ve decided that today, I’m going to inject some of my favorite comics characters into one of my favorite shows.  I ran into a problem however.  Find out what it was after the jump.

People who work with machines and science rarely become superheroes in the comics.  That’s just the sad truth.  I’m not saying it doesn’t happen (The Atom, The Flash, The Hulk, etc) And, the Mythbusters…well, a couple of them at least, look like they are all one industrial accident away from trying to kidnap the mayor of Gotham City.  So, that’s what I went with here.  Next week, look for a group of superheroes to be put together, in just this fashion, to take on this supervillain team in a metabrawl!  I’m not even going to hint about what shows I’m pulling them from either.  So, let’s get started, shall we.  In credit order from the show:

Am I bluuuuuuuuuue.....

I think I saw this guy in a Charmin commercial once.

1.  Adam Savage/The Creeper – What’s that you say?  The Creeper is a good guy?  True…but he hasn’t always been that way.  He’s batshit crazy (heh), and his origin has been played around with so much that you don’t quite know what you’re seeing when he shows up.  Just like Adam Savage!  I’m partial to the DC Animated Universe’s origin of him myself.  A TV reporter gets knocked into a vat of chemicals not unlike the accident that created The Joker, goes insane and begins to pester the world.  His superpowers seem to include surviving things that would kill most people, bouncing off the walls like a madman, and annoying the absolute shit out of the people around him.  Yeah…I think I’ve made a pretty good match here.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

BEST. MUGSHOT...EVER!

BEST. BACKSCRATCHER...EVER!

2.  Jamie Hyneman/Doctor Octopus – Just imagine it.  Jamie Hyneman building a super strong rig of multiple arms, crashing his way through the night to fight a superhero…moustache twitching in anticipation!   The usually reserved, coldly calculating Doc Ock has always been one of my favorite supervillains, and I think he fits Jamie to a tee.  I can see Jamie going insane while remaining stoic, building a completely unweildly rig of arms to accomplish things he cannot, but making it work.  Making it practical.  And, of course, he’d be the only one of the group strong enough to carry the damn things around.  I can see Jamie picking up Adam with his multiple metal arms and hurling him into the closest wall (Not at M5, of course, because he doesn’t want to clean THAT up!) while saying “Jamie want big boom!”.  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

You think it's a toy? It's actually an automatic bank robber.

Yeah...that's Grant. You can tell from the maniacal pose.

3.  Grant Imahara/Toyman – Conventional wisdom would say for me to choose Robot Master from Spider-Man for Grant, but I just can’t pick an ancient, humorless man for him.  I’m going with Toyman, especially the version from Superman:  The Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited.  Sure, he’s on the creepy side, but look at some of the things he does!  He beats the crap out of Killer Frost (a woman with super ice powers…not unlike my grandmother’s deep freeze she keeps in the garage)with a yo-yo of all things!  He menaces Lois Lane and Superman with a giant robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex (Oh yeah…that’s Grant all over!), and he takes out 6 Parademons in JLU’s last episode with a Nerf Gun!  Unlike Grant, he’s creepy, but like Grant, he’s oddly dangerous in an almost childlike way.  And, he likes his toys!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Clearly up to no good. I can appreciate it, man.

Hey! That's not what a shocker looks like! What's that? Ohhhhh.

4.  Tory Belleci/The Shocker – Yeah, I had a hard time with this, so I went with one of my favorite Spider-Man bad guys with the most suggestive name I could think of:  The Shocker!  Sure, in these later years, he’s kinda been turned into a joke, but earlier on, whenever Spider-Man came up against him, he was always careful.  Why?  Well, unlike most of Spider-Man’s villains, The Shocker would learn from his mistakes, and reconfigure his equipment for the next round.  Look at it this way…have you seen Tory try to ramp a bike over a wagon anymore?  No!  Plus, Tory seems to always be getting shocked on Mythbusters, through his own design or not.  I say, one more hit with the stun gun for Mr. Belleci, and you have a rage-filled supervillain on your hands!  Plus…I can totally see Tory hitting someone with a bolt of electricity and then throwing up the hand signal for…THE SHOCKER!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Before you know it, she's stolen your wallet. And your heart.

The face of evil looks goooooood!

5.  Kari Byron/Harley Quinn – Sure, I wanted to go with a supervillain with red hair, but really, what do you got?  Poison Ivy?  Giganta?  They don’t really fit the Kari Byron bill.  Plus, Kari’s love of big guns has been made pretty clear on Mythbusters, so, why not a gun weilding psychopath for the part?  Why not Harley Quinn?!  I can hear you thinking (I can, you know…so be careful) that Harley is nothing more than The Joker’s girl Friday.  Not so, I say.  She’s formidable enough that Batman gives her a wide berth when he can.  That’s a big enough endorsement for me.  Also, Harley beat the stuffing out of Catwoman in Hush (the single best Batman story of all time…take THAT Dark Knight Returns!) so she’s dangerous enough for the part.  Plus, how good would Kari look in that harlequin getup?  Sorry to have gone there, but, it’s true!  I can just imagine that on the show, they give her a gun big enough to drive her crazy (in the best possible way, of course), and then she puts on the costume (made herself, of course), and begins menacing heavily populated areas!  Look out, San Francisco!  Can’t you just see it?!  I can!

Now, clearly, I’ve taken some liberties here, but just wait until you get the whole picture.  Next week, we’ll meet the superteam that hopes to take down this hive of scum and villainy!  (To the Mythbusters…I don’t think you’re scum or villains…well, not most of you, but I was just trying to write something funny!  Don’t sue me, or then we’ll be introduced to the worst villains ever.  Lawyers.)

See you next week!