They're on the hunt...for a bra to fit Beth. Good luck.

I’ve been trapped in a hotel room for a couple of days…through no fault of my own, actually.  You know what this means, right?  Roughly twenty channels of crap TV all day.  A&E, Discovery, TLC…well, not TLC.  I gave up on that shit years ago, when it became snarky dress exchanges and guerilla interior design.  So, a steady diet of A&E and Discovery.  A&E shows stuff in roughly 4 hour blocks which they repeat.  What the fuck kind of programming decision is THAT?  Discovery shows different episodes of the same show all day, and while they do show some cool stuff from time to time, if you end up with a bad draw for the day, you’re stuck!  So, shows that I would normally stay away from like…say…Dog the Bounty Hunter or American Chopper, I’ve watched in mass quantities out of sheer boredom.  I’m starting to fucking like them!  It’s like some bizarre, television induced Stockholme Syndrome!   Let me tell you, I don’t think I should give a shit what happens to Paul Jr.  But I suddenly find myself hoping his new business works out.  Someone kill me already!

Who knows?  Tomorrow could be a better day.  Isn’t it about time for a Mythbusters marathon for no good reason?  Dear God…I hope so.

GODDAMN!!! Bitch about the 80s all you want...but give credit where it's due!

I have to say it.  My mind has been elsewhere.  Now, you would be thinking that I’m just concentrating on my kids being in town, and you’d be half right, but Summer brings out certain animals in all of us, and occasionally I have to explain to my kids why Daddy was staring at that woman at the pool.  So, if you’re anything like me (myopic), then invest in a good pair of sunglasses, and head on out into the world.  Seriously!  This weekend especially!  There’s going to be government sanctioned controlled explosions all over the country to celebrate the French saving our bacon in the Revolutionary War.  Also, I promise you, nerdpods, the sun can be your friend.  Then again, if you’re anything like me, take sunscreen.  And, maybe head to the gym a few times.  If you’re not like me, well, then…GET THE HELL OFF MY SITE!  Anyways, I was just looking for a reason to post a picture of Phoebe Cates from Fast Time at Ridgemont High.  Best. Nude. Scene.  EVER!

Go on. Ask them why this is on their front page. See what kind of answer you get.

Some of my friends in Kentucky run a blog.  A ridiculously successful one.  Anyways, when I’m not brimming with jealousy (HEY!  I’ll get there one day!), I’m over reading and laughing with, seemingly, half the known world.  Happy Third Year,  Hot Hot Japan Hot.  Do yourself a favor and check it out.  More after the jump.  Even better, though, if you live in the Louisville, KY area, they’re having a party to celebrate.  I think the below video will make everything clear.  Or, at least you’ll know where the hell this is going down.  Anyways, I just wanted to say Happy Third, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, guys.  Maybe someday, when I’ve lost my sanity and my will to keep a healthy liver.

My Grandaddy with my Mother. That's why he's my Grandaddy, you know.

This seems like kind of a no brainer given that Father’s Day is coming and Chuck Norris and my Grandaddy are damn near the same age.  I would worry about whether or not I’m going to offend my Grandaddy, but it’s not like he ever comes to this site.  That would require him to be home from whatever exotic island he and my grandmother are seemingly always visiting.  There is one very solid difference between these two men.  I’m not frightened of Chuck Norris, and my Grandaddy scares the living shit out of me!  Find out why after the jump!

1.  A bull once kicked my Grandaddy.  His response?  To barehanded rip its horn off.  True story.

2.  My Grandaddy hasn’t grown a beard as long as I’ve known him.  Why?  He once did in his youth, and impressed a peer so much that he was never without a beard again.  That man: Chuck Norris.  Grandaddy thought he looked goofy and felt so bad about it, that he never grew a beard again.

3.  My Grandaddy’s nickname?  “Red”.  You’d think it had something to do with his hair color, but the truth is, he was so filled with rage in his youth that Red was the only color he could see.

4.  My Grandaddy works out everyday.  As he lifts boulders and cows over his head, he laughs every time he sees ones of those Chuck Norris Total Gym commercials.

5.  My Grandaddy doesn’t cut down Christmas trees.  He punches them down.  They spontaneously decorate themselves on the ground.

6.  You know that fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris?  Well, Bruce and my Grandaddy once fought, and THAT fight was half as long and ended with Bruce Lee crying.

7.  My Grandaddy has a bench grinder.  I thought it was for grinding, but it turns out that he uses it to scratch his back.  Like a MAN!

8.  Chuck Norris might have played a Texas Ranger, but my Grandaddy is a volunteer fireman.  No shit.

9.  My Grandaddy used to raise cattle for slaughter.  He didn’t send the cows to the slaughterhouse.  He took care of that business with his bare hands.  Because he was bored.

10.  Chuck Norris let Average Joes compete in the Dodgeball final.  My Grandaddy used to come to my baseball games.  I’m sticking with Grandaddy.  Whether or not you do is up to you, but I warn you.  He’s huge!

Drink up, wussy!

Father’s Day approaches, and to celebrate here at ManWithPez, we’ve lined up three videos to waste your time watching, featuring some of our favorite pop media fathers.  Being a father myself (and totally expecting waffles on Father’s Day, hint, hint!)  I’ve no problem recognizing TV fathers, as TV raised me most of my life!  Okay, I’m kidding, but the worse the father seemed on TV, the better it was when it was revealed that he actually liked his children.  So, here’s three for you to consider this Father’s Day, and please, enjoy!

First…well, it should come as no surprise to anyone that it’s Homer Simpson.  Let’s take a look at him here, from one of my favorite Lisa-centric episode Lost Our Lisa.  Proving once again that Homer can be a caring a loving father, here he is trying to find his daughter after he..uh…well, he let her ride the public bus.

Coming up next, well, that’d be Al Bundy from Married with Children, singing the theme song to his favorite TV show, Psycho Dad!  Let’s watch!

And, one of my favorite shows cutdown before it’s time, and seemingly mangled by studio intervention:  Titus.  Ken Titus (played by Stacey Keach) is gruff, hateful, and an alcoholic.  He also seems like an actual father.  He’s not like my father, but he’s a great character that you know is based on someone who’s absolutely real.  Check it out, and don’t be a WUSSY!

He's carrying fan letters from Stephen Hawking. He's that smart!

Read more about Lazlo after the jump!

One of my favorite comedies is Real Genius, starring Val Kilmer.  This film, about a unscrupulous professor at a university for insanely smart kids who uses a class project (compete with a grade) to have his students build a laser weapon for the military is one of the funniest movies ever.  A big part of that is some of the asides and foolishness of Val Kilmer, but, in a movie filled with smart characters, one stands alone, and that’s Lazlo Hollyfeld, who lives in the two main character’s closet.  I’m not saying he’s gay, I’m saying that he actually lives in their damn closet.  Val’s character describes him as “smarter than than you and me put together” when talking to the new school wunderkind, Mitch, who’s entry scores put Val’s to shame.  And, it’s true.  There’s a woman throughout the film who travels about trying to sleep with the smartest men in the country.  She takes one look at Lazlo, and is done in.  By the end of the movie, they’re on their way to Vegas to get married.  Lazlo was played to oddball perfection by Jon Gries (one of my favorite character actors.  Check out this movie before the remake screws it up (scheduled for 2013…no shit), and remember to enter the Frito-Lay sweepstakes, no purchase necessary, enter as often as you like.  1.6 million entries should grab you 32% of the prizes.  At least, that’s what Hollyfeld thinks.

Hell, I'd crash my mother's wedding to get with her!

Here’s a short Hot Nerd Crush to help you through your Monday.   One is married to one of the most annoying people on the planet, and the other is Isla Fisher!  No, I’m kidding.  Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria Shriver isn’t annoying.  But, we can’t judge hotness based on one’s significant other.  Look at Isla, who’s married to Sasha Baron Cohen, the man responsible for Borat!  That would rob most of the ugly nerds out there of hope that they could find that one hot person out there that isn’t actually lying when they say that they find intelligence sexy.  Bah!  Anyways, let’s get started.  Isla Fisher and Arnold Schwarzenegger after the jump.

I first recall seeing Isla Fisher as a blonde in the first Scooby Doo live action movie (along with future Hot Nerd Crush Linda Cardellini.)  Perhaps I just didn’t think much of the movie, because I simply didn’t remember her in the movie.   She turned up again as a hot, insane redhead in Wedding Crashers.  Much more memorable this time, because her comedic timing was showcased, as well as a body double.  (Damn body doubles!)  Her turn in Definitely, Maybe  was also standout, though the idea of this diminuitive redhead being some kind of alternative rebel is a little laughable.  But, what do I know, I’m a fat nerd.

Look at your man. Look at me. I'm on a horse.

And, being a fat nerd, I would definitely draw the ire of long standing tough man, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The former Mr. Olympia and current governor of California has shown that he’s more than either the son of a nazi or the owner of a funny accent.  He’s a stickler for fitness, damn it!  Beyond that, of course, he’s been in some of the better science fiction films ever.  Starting with The Terminator.  Of course, you had to buy a gigantic Austrian body builder who could barely speak english as a killer robot.  Later, he starred in one of my favorites, Predator.  Not his most quotable film (that’d be a toss up of Commando/Kindergarten Cop), but certainly one of the better ones.  Simply because he let’s loose with his idea of a primal scream to get the intergalactic hunter’s attention.  Makes an excellent ringtone.  Especially in church.  And, my personal favorite of Arnold’s sci-fi movies would have to be the memory hiding actioner Total Recall.  Arnold’s ripped body is probably the best reason to “git yo ass ta Mahs.”

THIS one-eyed fat man has a couple of surprises for you!

Father’s Day is fast approaching, and to get in the spirit early, here’s a trio of videos featuring some of my favorite Hollywood tough guys.  I’m not much of one myself…Tough guy, I mean.  I’m an excellent father.  Who else would let his kids play with water and electricity at the same time?  FUN!  Anyways, while I might not be much of a tough guy, I certainly love to watch them kick ass, though!  Well, let’s have a look at three of my favorite movie badasses, shall we?  Oh, good…you’re still on board!  Tough guys and the asses they kick after the jump!

Well, the first and most obvious would of course, be Clint Eastwood.  They don’t come more hardassed than him, and while it’s arguable which is his best tough guy role, I just have to go with my favorite, Dirty Harry Callahan.  Let’s take a look at what most people consider to be his most famous scene, shall we?

My second favorite man in this category is most people’s first:  John Wayne.  Well, my favorite movie of his is The Quiet Man (on of the better movies ever made) and it doesn’t really fit the category, as he goes through most of the movie trying not to fight other perrenial tough guy Victor McLaglen (He scares me!).  Here instead is a scene from my second favorite John Wayne movie, Red River.  Here, the Duke plays a cattleman whose girl was killed earlier in the movie.  In the same wagon train was a little boy.  Duke raises him and later, the two don’t see eye to eye.  All I have to say is that even sitting down and drunk, John Wayne is scary.  Montgomery Clift and John Wayne is an excellent scene from an excellent movie, Red River:

And, just to buck the system, I know that most of you would probably put Chuck Norris or even better Charles Bronsan in this place, but I’m going to go with someone more contemporary.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Charles…and most of you, if you’ve been around this site, know my personal feelings on Chuck Norris.  But, in this place today, I’m going with someone who’s a much better actor, with a much better rounded body of work:  Kurt Russell.  I love Kurt!  He’s rarely made a bad movie, and even if the movie wasn’t great, he was usually great in it.  While he played a hardass in any number of movies, I think his turn as Wyatt Earp in Tombstone was probably Kurt at his roughest, and it was GREAT!  Let’s take a look, shall we?

Hell and yes!  Now, let’s make certain we’re watching some tough guy cinema for most of June, and I’ll come back and visit this topic again in short order!  There’s still plenty of tough guys to choose from!  There’s Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Roundtree, etc, etc, etc.  Almost everyone’s had a tough guy role at some point, and most are awesome at it.  So, until that day…toughen up!

Damn Clint! Save some of that Beefcake for the rest of us!

You know what?  It feels good to get back to listing actual people for the Hot Nerd Crush again.  And, today, we’re going to look at a couple of more mature actors.  Mostly cause they’re still really hot.  Besides that, they both have distinguished acting careers.  And, they’ve actually appeared together in the same movie.  More on that later, however.  Let’s take a look at the combined hotness of Clint Eastwood and Patricia Clarkson after the jump!

Clint Eastwood, I’m proud to say, is one of my idols.  First off, he built an entire career on being a hardass.  After he got done being a hardass, he decided to show people that where his real talent was.  He’s a brilliant director that is as home directing small features as he is directing huge action scenes.   When you think of an archetypical cowboy, who do you think of?  Okay, besides John Wayne.  That’s right, Clint Fuckin’ Eastwood, that’s who!  From an uncountable number of spaghetti westerns directed by Sergio Leone, people thought they had an idea who Clint Eastwood was.  Turns out, along with the hardass cowboy in him, there was also a hardass cop in there too!  And his name is “Dirty” Harry Callahan!  After five Dirty Harry movies (No shit…there’s five of them!), he moved on to play roughneck bareknuckle fighter Philo Beddoe in Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can.  Ah, as Kevin Smith pointed out, the concept of a man and his monkey never gets old.  After that, we got to take a look at Eastwood’s hardass Marine character Gunnery Sgt Thomas Hiway in Heartbreak Ridge.  Okay, it’s not that great a movie, but when you get done seeing it, you will come away thinking that Clint Eastwood plays the best Marine in HISTORY!   He starred in and directed Unforgiven, an antiviolence western that somehow ends up being violent as hell!  To me, though, his best recent accomplishment was his part in directing and starring in Gran Torino, an absolutely amazing film.  I won’t even start to describe it.  Just go see it, trust me, and you’ll see how an 80 year old man ended up as this week’s Hot Nerd Crush!

Back off, the rest of you! She's waving at me and me ONLY!!!

Patricia Clarkson.  I don’t even have to say anything else.  Just Patricia Clarkson.  If you want to see what I’m talking about watch the SNL Digital Short Motherlover.  Beyond that, however, she’s just a hot looking lady, and one hell of an actress.   As for that film I mentioned that she was in with Clint Eastwood?  Oh, that’d be the last Dirty Harry movie, The Dead Pool.  (And, might I say, one hell of a step up from normal Clint Eastwood muse Sondra Locke.  Not being mean…I’m just saying.)  It just seems anymore, that if you need a hot older lady in your movie, the go to’s have changed.  It used to be Susan Sarandon or Goldie Hawn.  Now, we go with Patricia Clarkson, and you know…I can handle that.  I thought she brought some much needed pathos and a feminine touch to The Green Mile.  It’s that hair, that body, and that smoky voice.  There’s just something about her that screams sex!  Or rather, SEX!!!  Anways, she’s my pick for Hot Nerd Crush this week, and I stand by it.  She can get mad and leave if she wants, but that means I get to watch her walk away.  Rowr.  Hee hee.

Absolutely BADASS!!!

After writing the first Postmodern Metahuman post about the Mythbusters, I needed to contrive a superteam to go against them.  Seeing as how I could equate most of the Mythbusters with supervillains, I’ve decided to turn the Iron Chef America team into superheroes.  I mean, someone’s got to take on the menace that is Mythbusters!  Anyways, let’s take a look at superheroes I came up with for one of my favorite shows Iron Chef America!

Smarter than me.

Smarter than me, too.

As we didn’t cover narrator Robert in Postmodern Mythbusters (and I stand by that…he’s just a disembodied voice, who’s replaced by someone else for European and Australian versions of the show), but we will put their narrator against Iron Chef America’s Master of Ceremonies, Alton Brown!  Alton Brown is a supergenius, but has very little effect over the show.  Much like my choice for him, Professor X (Charles Xavier)!  He’s a highly effective leader…that is, until someone shoves his wheelchair over or some crap.  Alton Brown has an encyclopedic knowledge of food, and he never, ever becomes flustered in his play by play of the foody goings-on, that is, until one of the chefs whips out an ingredient or a variant on an ingredient that Alton’s never heard of.   Then he starts stuttering and saying “TO ME, MY IRON CHEFS!”  Okay, he doesn’t do that, but he might as well.  Alton Brown, like Professor X is all powerful in his chosen medium until he gets even the smallest injury (mostly to his pride).  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Goofy and somehow frightening.

Frightening, and somehow goofy.

Now, to the meat of it (HA!).  The Chairman of Iron Chef America is played by stuntman and decent actor Mark Dacascos.  He can be seen flipping around Kitchen Stadium like a madman, overpronouncing ingredients (which is odd, because his native tongue is English, and he speaks several languages fluently), stalking about during the competition, giving his tacet approval to the cooking going on.  But, you can see in his stance that he’s a dangerous animal.  For that reason, I’ve chosen for him The Karate Kid (Val Amorr).  Now, just so you know, NO this has no connection to Ralph Macchio (as awesome as that would be).  Karate Kid is one of the futuristic group of do-gooders known as The Legion of Superheroes!  And, he’s so good at hand to hand combat that he can devastate much larger, more powerful opponents (read:  Batman).  Let one of the opponent chefs get really, really out of line, and I bet The Chairman would settle their hash with lightning speed.  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Scary!

Scary!

One of my favorite chefs on Iron Chef America is one of the holdovers from the original Iron Chef Japan, Masaharu Morimoto.  Not only is his food beautiful, but he has the winningest record on the show.  His knives fly about as if independent of his will!  You know someone else who does the same thing?  Marvel superhero and occasional bad guy Silver Samurai (Kenuichio Harada).  Sure, he’s set up as a foil for Wolverine, but he certainly knows what he’s doing, and he’s more than a little intimidating.  Just like Morimoto (Well, not the Wolverine part).  Plus, he can channel energy into his sword!  I don’t know how anyone ever chooses to go against Morimoto, he’s such a badass on that show.  And, if you can manage to scare Wolverine, then you’re taking a step in the right direction.  Morimoto and a sushi knife vs. Wolverine?  Hell yeah!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Oh my...

Oh my...

Iron Chef Cat Cora is awesome!  First off…that’s a hell of a handle she’s got.  Second off, you can’t deny that she’s both hot, and completely competent in what she does.  That fact that she’s a lesbian has nothing to do with any of that…but it still adds a kind of mystique to the proceedings.  You know who else plays with the ladies, is hot, has a cool name, and knows what she’s doing in her chosen profession?  Well, that’d be cat burglar and sometimes Spider-Man love interest Black Cat (Felicia Hardy)!  Think about it, Cat Cora in that black vinyl and white fur collared costume, that grappling hook whipping around Kitchen Stadium, grabbing what she needed to cook?!  She wouldn’t even need any sous chefs!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

That's a big, strong, guy.

That's a big, Strong Guy!

Mario Batali isn’t necessarily the most talented chef on Iron Chef America, but I’ll tell you this:  He’s certainly the most entertaining to watch.  He turns what he’s doing into an talent laced SHOW, and he’s magnificent to watch.  Being huge and Italian, I decided to pair him with Guido Carosella aka Strong Guy from X-Factor.  While he was never the best at what he did, Guido was always funny and usually trying to impress those around him.  What would you do with the ability to change your mass at will?  I know what I would do, and it has a lot to do with trying to be funny.  Plus, imagine Mario with those goggles on and a giant flame rising from one of his skillets!  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

Dork.

DORK!

And now, on to the last.  You want to know why so many people challenge Bobby Flay?  It’s because whenever they take him on, they know exactly what he’s going to do.  Grill something, and spray jalapeno oil all over everything.  With his red hair and freckles (and the fact that he’s my least favorite chef on the show) it seems like he’d be a cinch to pair with Jimmy Olsen.  Now, I can hear your hackles rising.  “Jimmy Olsen is no superhero!”  Ordinarily, that’d be true.  Recently, however, it was revealed that Jimmy Olsen was Darkseid’s hiding place for the anit-life equation.  Whenever he was in mortal peril, his body would change into whatever it would have to to save him.  I can’t imagine anything better to pair with Bobby Flay, who seems to win occasionally by the skin of his teeth (unless Jeffrey Steingarten is judging him…then you KNOW he’s going to lose!)  Jimmy tried to parley this new ability into a superhero career as Mr. Action…the lamest superhero in history.  Jimmy Olsen spraying pepper oil all over everything in a lame attempt to win?  Can’t you just see it?  I can!

And, there you have it!  My choosings for superheros from Iron Chef America!  Now, I just have to have them throwdown (HA!) with the Mythbusters supervillain gang.  I tell you, at this moment, I have no idea how it would play out myself.  I’ll write it up as soon as I can, but I have to tell you that I find the idea of building more Postmodern superhero/supervillan teams to be quite awesome.  Making them fight would just mean that I had to get rid of some of them.  So, be on the lookout for more of the same in the future.  And, who know…perhaps I’ll have a huge battle royale with reader input someday!  Until then, however, keep watching the skies, and Excelsior!