The best book you can no longer find.

Richard Bachman is one of my favorite authors, and not the least reason being because (unless you’ve been living in a cave and don’t know) Richard Bachman is Stephen King’s pseudonym.  However, I have a special place in my heart for the books he produced under the Bachman pen name, and indeed, the one that almost was a Bachman book, Misery.  There’s one in particular that you just can’t find anymore, and while the reasoning is sound, it is a shame that you just can’t run out to the store and buy Rage.  I’ll make my case for this misunderstood book after the jump.

I realize that Stephen King is sensitive about this book, and for good reason.  This book has been under some amount of scrutiny for the past several years.  Ever since 1989 and a young man named Dustin Pierce took a classroom hostage in McKee, KY.   Police found that Pierce owned a copy of the 1977 Richard Bachman book, Rage.  Bad enough, right?  It doesn’t stop there.  Again, in KY in 1993, and young man named Gary Pennington shot and killed a teacher and a janitor and held a classroom hostage, asking them several questions while doing so.  The importance of this will be discussed in a bit.  The novel Rage was under scrutiny again, even though Pennington admitted that he didn’t read the book until after his crime.  While it would only seem to be a series of coincidences that tied these two crimes together and with the book, it’s sad association with incidences of this nature was not over yet.  In 1996 Barry Loukaitis, a junior high student in Washington state shot and killed two students and a teacher while reportedly quoting a line from Rage!  And, of course, the book was found in the boy’s locker on school grounds.  Honestly, all this would be bad enough, but it’s not over yet.   After a 1997 shooting of a youth prayer group in Paducah , KY, the book was found again, this time in the locker of 14 year old Michael Carneal.  Three girls were killed and five more were injured. 

After the Carneal shooting, Stephen King had had enough.  He appealed to his publisher to let the novel fall out of print.  It has never been published again.  That’s not to say it can’t be found.  Libraries still have it.  I’ll tell you how I came to read it myself before I continue.  A ten year old boy in rural KY committed a bit of mail fraud and joined one of those book of the month clubs.  You know?  That one’s that were remarkably like the Columbia House record deal where you get 12 records for a penny?  It didn’t stay mail fraud after my mother found out when a huge box of books was delivered to my doorstep in 1986.  She took over the deal because she wanted some books, and I got lucky in that she didn’t beat my ass half to death with a copy of  The Bachman Books!  I got to keep the books I had.  In that first shipment was the hardcover edition of The Bachman Books.  It collected Rage, The Long Walk, Roadwork, and The Running Man.  Now, I don’t know if you’ve read any of these books, but I have to tell you that with the exception of Roadwork (I just couldn’t get into it…that’s not to say it’s bad.  It’s just not for me.) all of those books are winners, and still some of the best writing I’ve ever read.  Rage was the first book in the omnibus.  Did an 11 year old need to read it?  Not in the least, but I loved it.  I was just old enough to start understanding everything in it, and I’ve carried it with me since as one of my favorite books. 

Rage is about a boy named Charlie Decker who ain’t quite right in the head, as they say where I’m from.  For reasons unknown even to him, he assaults a teacher, and is called to explain his actions two weeks later.  He responds with anger and is expelled from his high school.  He gets the gun he brought to school, storms into a classroom and shoots a teacher.  When another teacher investigates, Charlie shoots and kills him too.   A police standoff ensues, and Charlie prompts the students in the classroom he’s taken hostage to answer several questions about themselves truthfully.  The broad character study that follows is the reason that I like the book so much.  Not the violence, which is almost secondary to the story, though, obviously, it’s always there.  After sometime, Charlie releases his hostages and tricks the police into shooting him.  When all is said and done, even Charlie can’t explain his motivations for the things he’s done.  The shooting and the terrorism, however, was never the point.  Obviously Charlie is troubled.  Normal people, not matter how angry they get, don’t just run around shooting people for no reason.

Or, do they?   In 1977, when Rage was first published, the idea of gun violence on a campus was relatively relegated to being a college experience.  Heading into the 90s, however, the game got changed.  That’s not to say that things like this haven’t happened without the influence of a Stephen King novel.  Indeed, people are shot everyday, and no one thinks to blame him.  When such a thing happens, it becomes vastly important to understand the “why of it”, but for the life of me, I can’t quite figure out what is being done with that information.  Sure, in three of the four crimes listed above, a copy of Rage was found somewhere.  Did the book lead these boys to shoot the people around them?  Simple answer?  Fuck…and NO. 

I wasn’t the most well adjusted teenager out there, okay?  And, I read this book when I was 11 years old. (Then, I gave it to my father for Christmas…It was a shit thing to do, but, there it is.)  The simple truth of the matter surrounding these young men is that they had screws loose to start with.  People who are sane can fly off the handle due to outside pressures, sure, but they don’t shoot their compatriots because they read about it in a fucking book.  You’ve slipped a cog if you think that a book made these things happen.  Rage hasn’t been in print since 1997, and last I checked there have been plenty of school shootings since.  While it is a tragedy, it is not Mr. King’s fault, or the fault of any of his writings that these boys had problems. 

Stephen King himself asked his publisher to allow Rage to fall out of print.  I say that was a mistake.  Granted, I didn’t have mass media looking at me as a pariah because some kids went loopy and shot several people.  I understand the logic of not printing it anymore, but that doesn’t mean it makes me any less sad.  Rage is a well paced, well written, raw character study of a typical high school age set, and I refuse to let my memory of the book be sullied by anything other than its own merits and downfalls.   I also don’t think that subliminal messages on heavy metal records led any kids to kill themselves either, okay?

Rage is still available if you look hard enough.  Most likely at a library, but even that might be hard to corral before too long.  It would be a great sadness to me personally if this book were to go away forever.  If you’ve not read it, check it out.  You won’t be disappointed.  Don’t take my word for it.  Find it, read it, and see what the hullaballoo is about.  And, after that, don’t judge my mother too harshly for letting an 11 year old boy read it.   I had already read Rage once before she knew I had it.  Heh.

That pretty much sums it up.

The Twilight saga is filled with the pansiest bunch of vampires in the known universe.  And, yes, I’ve read most of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.  Just because a vampire is gay doesn’t mean he’s a pansy.  Indeed, Edward Cullen isn’t gay…but he might as well wear a yellow bonnet and go pick some daisies, that’s all I’m saying.  I don’t really understand the attraction to vampires anyways.  They’re DEAD!  In most vampire mythos around the world, not only are they dead, they’re about as interesting as a walking corpse, and they smell like they’re dead as well.  Anyway, here’s a Twilight poke to just piss off the fans, who I think I may dislike more than the source material.  And, don’t worry…there’s so much Twilight hate in the world, that I’ll be back on this subject in no time.  I can’t claim credit for the picture above, by the way.

Ohhh...so that's where rollergirls come from.

I’ve fallen a little behind in my postings.  Perhaps it’s because I’m getting older.  Perhaps it’s because my daughter’s getting older.  Both are reasons to be driven to distraction, but I’m trying to get on top of things again.  I have to say that it was easier to find daddies and their girls than it was to find fathers and sons.  Maybe because the dynamic offers so many ways to be more dramatic.  It’s like my father told me when he found out I was having a daughter “When you have a son, all you have to worry about is that one boy.  When you have a daughter, you have to worry about all the other boys out there.”  Right or wrong,  fathers and daughters in popular media make for compelling viewing.  Some of my favorites after the jump.

Young lady! As soon as you stop wallcrawling...you're grounded!

10.   Peter and May Parker – I guess we should start with a somewhat obscure one.  From the M2 Marvel Universe comes the future of the Spider-Man franchise, with Spider-Girl!   The reason I liked the book so much is that May Parker showed something that Spider-Man had been missing for years.  She had all the troubles of a super-hero coupled with the problems of being a teenage girl.  And, I need my Spider comic book to center on someone who’s having problems.  Spider-Man is still around, but he’s missing a leg, and constantly worried about his little girl, who, it turns out, is just as compentent as her old man.  If you get the chance to read it, you could do a lot worse than checking out Spider-Girl.

Whoa...great haircuts all around for these two, huh?

9.  John Kramer (Jigsaw) and Amanda Young – Is there not a more twisted father/daughter relationship anywhere?  John Kramer, or Jigsaw is a serial killer with a different take on things.  He engineers traps for those he feels are wasting their lives.  In the end, they end up killing themselves (usually through inaction) trying to escape his traps.  In the first film, the only survivor shown onscreen is Amanda Young, who was apparently so happy to still be alive that she joined Jigsaw as his apprentice.  The relationship plays out through several movies, but the main point is Amanda’s fierce loyalty to John.  A quality, you’ll find, that he brings out in a lot of people.

Do as you're told, or I'll touch your daemon!

8.  Lord Azrael and Lyra Belacqua – In the His Dark Materials trilogy, this pair are probably the furthest from an actual father/daughter team that y0u’ll see on this list.  Lyra goes through most of the first book not knowing who her father is, and when she tries to rescue him at the end of the book, he repays her by killing her best friend.  What an asshole.  He doesn’t acknowledge her as anything but a nuiscance until the last book, when he begins to see her worth, and gives his life to further hers.  You’ll notice I’m not mentioning Lyra’s mother Mrs. Coulter…mostly because she’s such a bitch, but a least she has a heart, something Lord Azrael can’t claim.

Yes...this was the BEST picture I could find.

7.  Angelo and Lisa Provolone – Oscar is one of my favorite underrated films.  I love everyone’s performance in it, including Sylvester Stallone’s.  What?  I’m not ashamed!   Playing his daughter Lisa is Marisa Tomei, and the ONLY character who isn’t impressed that Angelo is a bigtime gangster.  When Lisa lays a pregnancy scare on Angelo, he must find the father, the exchaffeur Oscar.  That’s just a small part of the movie, and if you haven’t seen it, you might me missing something you could fall in love with.  I’ll say this for these two.  It’s more than a little funny to watch Angelo give to his daughter all the grief that his father gave to him.

If Agent Smith were your dad, you'd be a badass, too.

6.  Elrond and Arwen – Confession time, I suppose.  I haven’t read all of The Lord of the Rings.  However, I’ve read The Hobbit several times.  One of the cooler characters shown is Elrond, who immediately commands respects from the ragtag group of stingy ass dwarves.  In the Lord of the Rings films, Elrond’s daughter Arwen is shown what I’m given to understand is a bigger role than in the books.   She’s pretty badass, all told.  At least in the first movie.  After that, she’s kinda the reason I fastforward through the elf scenes.   Whoa!  Was that another confession?  Shit…I’m going to lose my nerd card after all that.  The last scene with these two together in it, though, where Elrond is handing her off to Aragorn?  That shit gets me everytime!

A true argument for birth control.

5.  Lestat de Lioncourt and Claudia – The Vampire Lestat, bastard that he is, helps create a vampire from of his protege Louis’s victims.  A six year old little girl named Claudia.  Lestat loves her like a daughter early on, while she still learns from him how to kill, etc.  That’s the only real beauty in Interview With The Vampire, and you have to read other books to find out.  Interview is told from Louis’s point of view, and the later book are all from Lestat.  You can’t be certain of anything you’re reading, all told.  Claudia finds a way to rid herself and Louis of Lestat, and she gives it the old college try, but Lestat eventually finds them, and with a little help from Armand, manages to rid his world of the sixty-odd year old woman in a six year old’s body.  In other books, you discover that he’s filled with remorse about this.

My, what a big book you've got there, grandma.

4.  Rupert Giles and Buffy Summers – Speaking of vampires, the second pair on this list that isn’t blood related are a pair of vampire killers!  Giles, the Watcher and Buffy, the Slayer have a mission in life.  Just one.  Rid the world of evil when they can.  Buffy’s quite good at it too, but she needs help and training from librarian Giles.  But, that’s not all she needs.  You see, unlike other characters I’ve talked about, it’s implicitly stated that Buffy’s biological father is still around, he just doesn’t seem that interested in her or her troubles.  When Buffy needs a father, she turns to Giles, and he provides that role in spades.   The great thing about Giles, however, is that while he does what he can to ease Buffy’s life, he’s not above making things difficult for her as an object lesson, and more often than not, she’s a better person for it.

Mmmmm...pi. Er, pie.

3.  Homer and Lisa Simpson – Have you ever noticed, on The Simpsons, that most of the familial relationships in the show are father/daughter and mother/son?  Rarely do you get an episode which focuses on what’s going on between Bart and Homer that doesn’t devolve into strangling of some sort.   And, when Lisa and Homer are at odds, it makes me uncomfortable, much like when Bart and Marge don’t get along.  Lisa makes allowances for her father’s lowered IQ, and Homer finds a way to, at time, impart some much needed worldweariness to his daughter, who, I think, will live up to all his expectations of her.  One day, she will be president and win the Nobel prize in kickboxing. Homer and Lisa’s relationship has, through the years, provided the show with a center that would have been missed, had it not been present.

The only person who can call her Jean and get away with it.

2.  Atticus and Jean Louise (Scout) Finch – To Kill A Mockingbird may well be the only book that I was forced to read that I was happy about.  So far as a piece of literature goes, it paints a southern tableau of Americana and has joined the ranks of popular media as one of the best stories ever produced by this or any other country.  At the heart of this is the relationship between it’s most memorable character, aging lawyer Atticus Finch, and the narrator, his daughter, Scout.  The story of racial injustice is as compelling as anything else you might read in your life, but the hook that makes certain you stay to hear the message is how good a father Atticus is to Scout and her older brother Jem.   There’s a reason that Atticus Finch is the American Film Institute’s number 1 hero of all time, and it’s a privilege to see him through his daughter’s eyes, making him larger than life, and yet still familiar as a human being.

Bet you can't tell which one is which, huh?

1.  Keith and Veronica Mars – Yes, I struggled about this, I certainly did.  So, how did a pair from a cancelled UPN teenage girl detective show beat out the greatest popular hero of our times?  The answer is that I know these two.  When you watch Veronica Mars, a show that is easily as complex as Twin Peaks was, without being nearly as confusing, you get the sense that you know disgraced sheriff turned local private investigator Keith Mars and his daughter Veronica.   He knows his daughter’s limitations, he treats her like a person, and he guides her through life, ultimately providing her with a setting in which she can make her own decisions.   Not all of them are the right decisions, but you can bet when Veronica does something wrong, it’s her father’s voice she hears in her head.  Through the first season, the question of Veronica’s paternity comes up, and when that was resolved, it still remains one of my favorite single scenes in TV history.  I can’t recommend this show highly enough, and not simply because both Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon act in the second season.

Well, there’s ten pairs of fathers and daughters for you to think about.  Again, with this list, much like other, there was plenty of source material, and I will revisit this someday.  Of course, this was done for my daughter’s birthday, and while I hope that she one day grows up and ignores most of what I had to say here, I hope she can remember that I love her, and I always wanted the best for her.  Y’know…just like Keith Mars!

Yo dawg! I head you like bitin' other dawgs. Here ya go!

Being a surly, slightly overweight nerd, I’m certain you’re thinking that I’m about to say “physical confrontation” and the fights I like to avoid.  You’d be wrong this time, however.  Certain groups of people tear into each other verbally or in whatever way, and I just get embarassed or bothered to the point that I can’t BE bothered.   Everyone knows everyone has an opinion or two of their own.  There’s just no need to force it out of most people.  The Fights I Like To Avoid…and why, after the jump.

1.  Movie Nerds vs. Book Purists – Of all the dumbass confrontations you can encounter, this may be the one that you actually accidentally find yourself embroiled in.  And, it’s just so damn stupid.  Books have more detail?  No shit.  Movies get to the point quicker?  Sure, sometimes they do.  In the end, I guess it matters what kind of person you are.  Do you like to read more than you like to watch?  There are merits to both artforms, and arguing about that is just plain unintelligent.  Plus, it leads people to say shit like “I don’t watch TV.”  Why do you want to look me in the face and lie to me.  When your nose isn’t buried in that book, you’re watching American Idol or something equally retarded, I’m certain.  And, movie nerds…It’s not going to hurt you to read a goddamn book, trust me.  I leave this one on this point.  Reading about an explosion can be cool, yes…but everyone, EVERYONE loves to see shit blow up.  It’s in our very nature as human beings.

2.  God/Allah/Buddha/Atheism, etc vs Everyone Who Isn’t Me – And, that’s really what this argument boils down to.  I don’t like you, so my diety doesn’t like you.  It’s just another way to be inclusionary, or exclusionary.  I don’t know what lies beyond this mortal coil, and you don’t either.  If you consider yourself an enlightened person, you have to be open to the fact that A)Not everyone believes as you do, and B) You don’t know everything, especially when it comes to matters of pure belief.  People get shot and exploded “debating” this particular item, but when I hear an Atheist throwing down with a TurboChristian, I tune it out.  Just like I don’t know what’s going on in your head, you don’t know whether or not what I believe in is true or not, and no amount of evidence is really, really ever going to change someone’s mind.  If it makes someone happy, why fight it, I say.

3.  Women vs Men – I get hot under the collar about this one.  I don’t mind if you’re better than me in some way.  I promise you that there is someone out there that is better than you, not matter the gender, in some way or another.  I don’t mind conceding that there’s assorted women out there that are better than me, or can accomplish more than me in almost any regard.  Where this argument starts to chafe me is one gender’s supposition that one is better than the other.  And the frequency with which people attempt to win this argument based on that supposition is disgusting.  Come on people now, smile on your brother (or sister).  Which leads me to the next item…

4.  Race vs Race – I was going to say Race vs White, but since I’ve seen this argument go so many ways, in so many diverging paths, it wouldn’t be fair to say that, now would it?  Like with Men vs Women, why do people have such a hard time believing that people, on the whole, are capable of doing almost anything.  Good or bad.  The way I like to see this is that you should give everyone a chance.  As soon as that chance turns into opportunity, smile…you’ve done something good.  As soon as a chance becomes something insidious or evil, then it should become incumbent on us as human beings to take it away.  From INDIVIDUALS.  If you can’t judge a person based on their own merits AND their personal downfalls without it becoming a race war, what does that say about you as a person?  I can’t say, categorically, but I’m pretty certain it’s something that sounds really, really stupid.

5.   Republican vs Democrat – Politics makes me sleepy.  Know why?  It’s fucking boring!  Nothing against people who incessantly debate politics until the very argument their making sounds…oh, I don’t know…roughly Forrest Gump level.  This one, like religion, hinges people’s inability to believe in other people’s beliefs.  I’m not saying you should believe what they believe.  I’m just saying that other people’s beliefs aren’t necessarily wrong because they aren’t yours.  In my nearly 35 years on this planet, people’s personal politics have effected me…well, not at all.  Just as mine haven’t really determined their course of events.  And, I’m kinda happy that way, even if I can understand why other people aren’t.

I think I’ll call this one early.  It’s not my intention to piss anyone off.  It’s just that, after awhile, I get tired of people arguing over subjective things, things that you entirely up to point of view, and claiming that the other people’s beliefs are wrong.  Look, my daughter believes in Santa Claus…I’m not ready to drop that particular spoiler on her just yet, even though, yes, she’s wrong.  I don’t care if the other person believes that pogo sticks are the next reliable form of transportation.  I don’t care that you think this website sucks!  (It doesn’t, for the record, but I’ve already got your hit in my stats.  Thank you, come again!)  If we can’t get along…and trust me, I think we’re doing alright (people should be surprised that things work as well as they do, not focus on what doesn’t work), then why don’t we burn the whole motherfucker down, huh?  Who’s with me?  I got a book of matches and some gasoline right here!

Well, actually, I have a cucumber melon scented candle, but you catch my drift, right?

Talk back to me again, and you'll be riding high tide, you got that?

Today is my son’s birthday.  In honor of this, I’m going to write a little piece about some of my favorite father/son relationships.  However, as is my wont here at ManWithPez, none of these are what you’d consider traditional father/son relationships, ohhhhh no.  In fact,  only one pair is actually blood related.  Having said that, I think we’ll do without the typical rank structure I usually employ with these types of lists, and just jump in.  Who’s ready?  I know I am, and before I go on…Happy 7th, Alexander.  Daddy is very proud of you.  Fathers and sons after the jump.

You're grounded, son. That, or I'll cut off the other hand, take your pick.

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker – The only blood kin here on this list today consists of two men that tried desperately to kill each other over the course of three films.   The saddest part of it?  Darth KNEW Luke was his son, chopped his hand off…and THEN told him what was up.  Not for nothing, but that’s fucked up right there!  Of course, at the end of the whole mess, Daddy Vader comes around and destroys his evil master for trying to do what he’d been doing not five minutes previous:  Kill his son.  I’ll say this for old Anakin Skywalker…When he makes his mind up, you’d best not be standing near anything steep!

Whattya mean you killed a little girl? I HAVE NO SON!!!

Dr. Frankenstein and Adam (or The Monster) – In the book, this is about a messed up relationship, huh?  I mean, Frankenstein takes the time and effort to dig up dead people and stitch them together, run massive amounts of electricity through the result, and what does he get?  A rampaging beast who simply wants to destroy EVERYTHING the good doctor cares about.  Okay, it’s not really that simple, but these two share a complex relationship that apparently can only be solved through homicide and violence.  Or, perhaps the death of a little girl, mistaken for a flower.  Whatever.  No one sides with Frankenstein in this dust up.  It’s all about Boltneck (As he was referred to in his high school yearbook.)

Suuuure, you got syphillis from an ancient curse. Suuuure you did.

Rupert Giles and Xander Harris – Okay, okay.  I know the main relationship that Watcher Giles had on the show was with his favored vampire slayer, but if you watch closely, you’ll notice something.  Xander wants, nay, NEEDS approval from Giles from time to time, and he expects to be reprimanded by the wily Brit when he does wrong.  All the Scoobies do, actually, but as Xander was the only permanent male member of the group, it fell on Giles to show him how to be a man, and I think the Watcher did him right.  He called him on his wrongdoings, and he helped him notice his self worth, if, from time to time, Giles was the one who took it away from him in the first place.  Just like a real Dad does.  Or at least, some of the one’s I’ve been associated with.

Where'd you get that knife? Think I'm talking to hear myself? ANSWER ME!!!

Dr. Sam Loomis and Michael Myers – Sure, it wouldn’t do to have a list like this if I wasn’t going to include one where the father figure is constantly trying to kill the little one, and that’s what we have here.  Of all the relationships listed here, this is the most dysfunctional.  Loomis feels responisble for Myers and his homicidal behavior, and so feels that he must be the one…the only one who kills him.  Michael Myers, of course, is an unstoppable killing machine, but at least that old bastard Loomis went out on his own, and wasn’t dispatched by The Terminator…sorry, Michael.  If you look over the course of the movies, I think you’ll find that Loomis is that only one that bites the dust due to old age, and not a blade.  Good for him!

For a super powered alien, you have a tendency to whine, you know that?

Jonathan Kent and Clark Kent (Superman) – Sure, sure, Jor-El so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son and all that, but Jor-El wasn’t there to teach his boy to be a man, was he?  Jonathan Kent molded Superman into what he is, gave him his moral compass.  It can’t have been easy, raising a super powered adolescent being, but Jonathan and Martha did the best they could, which was pretty good, all told.  If you take the Jonathan out of Superman, I don’t know what you’d be looking at, but you wouldn’t have the hero we all know and love today, that’s for certain.  For my money, one of the best father/son relationships in all of popular media.

I love it when Alfred gets so pissed at Batman that he just shakes the shit out of him!

Alfred Pennyworth and Bruce Wayne (Batman) – Say your parents are both wealthy, and gunned down in front of your eyes.  Say you become a costumed vigilante to fight crime because of the trauma.  Think you might need a grounding influence in your life?  Someone to tell you when you’re going too damn far?  Bruce Wayne has that in his butler Alfred.  For me, it was best illustrated at the end of The Mask of the Phantasm, when Alfred tells Bruce that he’s worried since the beginning that Batman would become the thing that he pursues, and he’s grateful that he hasn’t.  Without Alfred, Bruce would be A) Dead (How many times has that butler sewn up Bruce?) and B) Just another nutjob without powers in tights.  Alfred is Bruce’s conscience, and has guided Bruce through some of his darkest times.

You wish you wrote this good, looked this good, was this cool!

I’m a huge nerd.  I’m fine with that.  Truly!  Anyways, when I was a child of the tender age of 8, I had a book taken from me in class.  That book was Stephen King’s Night Shift.  And really, there isn’t much a better short story collection out there.  The point is that I’m a lifelong Stephen King fan.  And, as presented on this site, Chuck Norris needs someone to fight!  So, why not my favorite author Stephen King!  Stephen King vs Chuck Norris after the jump!

1.  Demonstrating the “Shining”, Stephen King already knows all the moves that Chuck Norris will throw up.  As long as they’re fighting in a haunted hotel.

2.  Stephen King is from Maine, and he’s still awesome.  Tell me someone else who has done that!  Besides Joe Hill!

3.  Stephen King generated a writing career from the beginnings of a story thrown in the trash.  Chuck Norris gained his reputation from hitting people in the head.  I’m going with the writer.

4.  Stephen King kept people on the edge of their seats with the seven volume Dark Tower series.  Me, personally…I was once the limbo champion of Butler County Kentucky.  He’s got us all beat!

5.  Chuck Norris tried to punch Stephen King with the fist under his beard.  Stephen King unleashed the portal to Hell that he keeps under his beard.  The fight was called on account of brimstone.

6.  Per Cell, The Stand, and others, Stephen King has destroyed the world quite a few times.  And what did you do today?

7.   When once they fought, Chuck Norris attempted his roundhouse kick on Stephen King.  Stephen King hit him with the A9 Superflu.  Point to Stephen King!

8.  All paths follow The Beam.  The Beam, oddly enough, leads to the man himself, Stephen King!

9.  Turns out all of Chuck Norris’s life and career…all a short story written by Stephen King.  And, there’s not a happy ending!

10.  What level on The Tower do you hail from , stranger?  What’s that?  You don’t know?  Well, if you want to know, there’s only one place to find out.  And that’s Stephen King.  Good luck with that, by the way.

You come in here trying to take my money?! You get burned.

I like dragons.  There, I’ve said it, and I don’t care what the rest of you think.  As a child, I used to sit and doodle dragons all the time.  I think a lot of us did.  Mine were a little strange, though.  I had all the firebreathing, scaly representations you normally see, but some of mine had dog’s heads and bird’s heads.  I had read that Chinese dragons took all kinds of strange forms, and I drew things like that.  The fish head dragon, I’m happy to say, remains buried for everyone’s sanity.  In doing research for this article, however, I”ve found that the dragon seems to by underrepresented!  So, here’s my personal list of my favorite dragons.  I’m certain you won’t agree with some of these, but feel free to tell me yours!  Dragons, after the jump!

Presenting the gayest dragon, ever! What? He's got pink hair for cryin' out loud!

1o.  Elliott (Pete’s Dragon) – Might as well put the weakest one of the bunch here first.  I’m not a huge fan of this movie.  I was forced to watch it as a child several times.  I don’t like the songs.  Does any film really need a musical number called “Passamaquaddy”?  Or, however it’s spelled?   That being said, the movie really is awesome at blending real life and animation.  It’s just never going to be one of my favorites.  As a kid, I did like Elliott, though.  I mean, who wouldn’t want a dragon looking after them?  Elliott sits at number ten, and I’m okay with that.

Get the hell off me!

9.  Saphira (Eragon) – I could jump in line and say how much Eragon sucks.  Truth is, it does.  The book AND the movie.  Having said that, I would also tell you to read it.  Why?  It’s a huge mishmash of nerd love, and Christopher Paolini’s love of his geek upbringing shines on every page.  Not original in the least, but surprising, and not just because it was written by a 15 year old.  The movie is another matter.  There is something interesting about the blue scaled Saphira.  She’s a young, adolescent dragon, prone to hotheadedness (heh), and mistakes.  It’s not something you usually see in this type of literature.  So, she’s on my list, if for no other reason than her trial and error tact in growing up.  Oh…and the second book is much, much improved over the first.

Aww...he's so fugly he's cute! Wait? He's HOW big again?

8.  Falcor (The Neverending Story) – He’s the image you hold with you most after viewing The Neverending Story.  A giant, white, scaly, flying dog!  As Falcor explains, he’s a luck dragon, and he’s on this list (The Neverending Story is an okay movie, but I don’t own it, and have no plans to.) because he’s such a strange looking entry.  He doesn’t look like a traditional dragon, and indeed, I remember watching the movie just waiting for the next scene he’d show up in!  Man.  I hope any hardcore nerds reading this article haven’t given up because of wimpy dragons at the top of the list!  Falcor at eight, and if you remember The Neverending Story as being a good movie when you saw it as a kid…I’d leave it at that.

Heat your lunch up for you, Mr. Potter?

7.  The Hungarian Horntail (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) – Regardless if you liked the movie or not, you have to admit that Harry’s confrontation with this dragon as part of the Tri-Wizard Tournament was pretty thrilling.  It was hyped as being a very savage, dangerous thing, and when we got to see it, it delivered!  Spouting flame, snarling, jumping it’s chain to get at Harry, I almost hoped the damn thing would get him!  It’s only this low on the list because beyond its savagery it really had no personality.  It was a mindless destructive beast, but man, was it cool to watch!

If ever a dragon needed killing, it's this one.

6.  The Bull (Reign of Fire) – No matter what you think about this movie (and honestly, it could have been better executed), the dragons were pretty badass.  Towards the end of the film you find out that there is only one male, and it’s intelligent!  He demonstrates this by eating Matthew McConnaghey, which, in restrospect, probably wasn’t the smartest thing he could’ve done.  I imagine he tastes kinda nasty.   The Bull is roughly three times bigger than any other dragon we’ve seen in the movie, and twice as dangerous.  So, it’s no wonder that it takes Batman…excuse me, Christian Bale to take him down.  If you’ve not seen this movie, I’d give it a look.

If I had five heads, I'd argue with myself constantly.

5.  Tiamat (Dungeons and Dragons) – The overarching villain, if I recall correctly, in the animated series Dungeons and Dragons was a five headed female dragon named Tiamat.  Our heroes were forever in fear of her, and she only showed up a handful of times.  I don’t really remember that much about her, other than she looks badass!  She can’t have been all that, really, though, because she continuously failed to kill a group of teenagers and their baby unicorn!  I bet Tiamat knows how all the bad guys on Scooby Doo felt, huh?

Pfft...Showoff.

4.  Draco (Dragonheart) – I’m not going to lie to you…Dragonheart is not a good film.  Too violent for kids, and too stupid for adults.  There is something comforting about the old Draco, though.  Perhaps it’s when he’s singing, with Sean Connery’s baritone coming out.  Perhaps it’s his playfulness, as he overacts whenever he’s pretending to have been speared.  Like I’ve said, the movie isn’t all that great, but Draco is a good reason to give it a look.  He was a pretty significant technical achievement, back in the day!

He's travel sized for your convenience!

3.  Mushu (Mulan) – A nondangerous, animated dragon in the top 5?  Hell yes when we’re talking about the Eddie Murphy voiced dragon Mushu!  In Mr. Murphy’s finest voicework (Take THAT Donkey!) Mushu is imbued with a sense of fun and earnestness.  The scene where Mulan first encounters her dragon is one of the funniest things you’ll ever see, as well as Mushu’s interactions with the rest of Mulan’s sidekicks:  Her horse (which he constantly refers to as a cow), and her lucky cricket (Who seems intent on having his say around the loudmouthed dragon, no matter what).  This really was one of Disney’s better outings, I’ve always thought.  And, as Mike (Nick Frost) said on Spaced, it’s the third funniest performance of Eddie’s career!

See what happens when you don't give up the virgins?

2.  Vermithrax Perjorative (Dragonslayer) – ThatCostumeGirl is a big fan of this movie, so we gave it a look recently.  It holds up remarkably well!   The slow buildup to the dragon is not unlike watching Jaws!  You don’t get to see very much of her until the end.  She lives in a lake of fire, though!  How cool is THAT shit?  In the end, she’s an almost unstoppable force, and the way she’s dealt with (The movie is called Dragonslayer, after all…though we find out that’s actually the name of a weapon) is pretty imaginative.  ThatCostumeGirl and I think this movie would be an excellent candidate for a remake, if anyone’s listening?

Aww...the poor guy just wants his belly scratched!

1.  Smaug (The Hobbit) – As a child, whenever I watched the Rankin/Bass animated production of The Hobbit, I remember being terrified of the goblins, but not at all of the wretched worm, Smaug.  That changed when I read the book.  If you’ve done neither, you really should!  It’s the dragon’s worldweary attitude that earns him the number one spot here.  And, when Smaug gives you a warning, you better believe that he means to see it through.  Sure, he kinda goes out like a bitch, but, until then, he’s simply an old badass under the mountain.  When he boasts about himself, it’s hard not to just take him at his word for everything he says!  Smaug!  I can’t wait to see what you look like in the new movie.  A Guillermo Del Toro Smaug?  Yes, please!

Before I go, I’d like to offer up an honorable mention to Shen-ron, the dragon from Dragonball Z.  His voice alone makes him a badass!  However, if he did more than just take up space and hand out wishes, he’d totally be on the list, I promise!

There’s my personal ten, and for all the works they appear in, I’m really reading or watching waiting for the dragons!  Sure, the list is a little light on the back five, but they add a lot to the works they appear in.  In some cases on this list, the dragon is the only reason to check them out! 

No reluctant dragons, here!

So...how many dead people are in this picture?

I’ve gone out of my way to try and pester the Twilight set, and for good reason, I think.  That being said, I think True Blood and The Southern Vampire Mysteries are awesome.  Well, season 2 of True Blood was off a bit, but there was enough “What The Fuck” to keep me tuning in.  I’ve read all the books, seen all the episodes, and I think that the people of Bon Temps, Louisiana would be easy to piss off.  Then again, we’re talking about vampires of a distinctly non-sparkly variety, so you might want to tread carefully.  Ten New Ways to Annoy the True Blood People starts after the jump.  Oh…and there are some spoilers here.  Mostly from the books, so watch out.

1.  Go to Merlotte’s with nothing but the theme song to Magnum PI stuck in your head.  See how long it takes to infect Sookie Stackhouse with it.

2.  Ask Sam Merlotte if he’s ever taken a giant animal shit while changed into…well…a giant animal.

3.  Present Jason Stackhouse with a bag of Meow Mix.

4.  Tell Eric why you think Sookie should be with Bill.  Tell Bill why you think Sookie should be with Sam.  Tell Sam that he’s shedding on your rug.

5.  Start an argument with Jason and tell him that you always knew he “had a little fairy in him”.

6.  Present Bubba with a kitty and get him to sing Love Me Tender.

7.  Leave a flaming bag of shit, silver, and garlic on Bill Compton’s front porch.

8.  For her birthday, give Pam a set of Micky Mouse ears.  Of course, they should have her name embroidered on them.

9.  Ask Alcide if he was Michael J. Fox’s stunt double on Teen Wolf.

10.  Tell Sookie Stackhouse that you’re just not that into her.  It would probably blow her mind.

I find this horrifying beyond all words. (Except the one's you're reading.)

Picture above brought to my attention by good friend and ManWithPez.com website wrangler Succatash.  This would be one of the changes I’d like to make to the site.  Every so often, I’d like to upset some Twilight fans.  Why?  They’re so damn easy to rile, first thing.  Second, the above statement is 100% true.  Third…I just really fucking hate it.  Look for a Twilight Poke every so often here.  And remember this one thing…Vampires do not fucking sparkle, unless you’ve just hit them with spray-on glitter as a tool to set them on fire. 

Twilight sucks.  And not in a good way.

Shifty eyed manservants! No wonder they're always being accused of crimes!

Butlers throughout fiction are know for their discretion, their reserve, and their work ethic.  Being good at all these thing doesn’t necessarily mean a good butler, since on the whole, it’s a butler that gives his master a comeuppance of some kind that most people seem to like.  The good thing about this list is that there are so many butlers in all forms of media that I can just keep writing about them if I like.  So, don’t be surprised if I’m quite lazy one day and produce a second part to this list when I can’t think of anything else to do.  Or rather, my manservant can’t come up with one.  (That’s my motto:  Blame the help!)  The best butlers after the jump!

WES.....Leeeeeey...

10.  Mr. Butlertron (Clone High) – Hey, he wasn’t only a buttling robot, he was also Clone High’s vice principal, and a humidifier!  If you didn’t see Clone High before MTV pulled the plug on it, you really did let one of the funniest shows ever made get right past you, and more’s the pity, for you did not know the awesome might of Mr. Butlertron!  He calls everyone Wesley (Yes, I know it’s because he was an obvious parody of Mr. Belvedere, but that doesn’t make it any less funny)!  He has a mortal enemy, the ScanGrade the Magnificent, around which, he seems to have Tourette’s Syndrome!  He wears a magical sweater vest! That’s my kind of butler…and robot! 

I think his bowtie is FABULOUS!!!

9.  Ultimate Jarvis (The Ultimates) – How could I put a comic book butler on this list and it not be Alfred?  Well, first of all, be patient…keep reading, and second, Jarvis is a hoot!  He’s just so…well…GAY!  And the fact that he wears his snazziest waistcoat to serve dinner to Thor and Captain America just so they’ll notice him is FAB-U-LOUS!  Like most of Marvel’s Ultimate universe, Jarvis comes to a sticky end.  Which is total bullshit, because, hey!  Why go to such lengths to make us like someone only to kill….Ohhhh.  I get it now! (That technique is base and vile, and only Joss Whedon can pull it off successfully!)

What? You try finding a picture of Dennis the Butler! That's what I thought.

8.  Dennis (The Eyes of the Dragon) – He’s easily the sweetest, most timid character in this lovely book by Stephen King, but when all is said and done, he almost brings an entire kingdom to it’s knees because of his integrity, and his inability to throw water instead of beating out a fire with his bare hands.  For me, though, Dennis became one of my favorite characters from the novel The Eyes of the Dragon because of his absolute hatred of turnips, and the fact that he would almost rather starve than eat them.  As much integrity as Dennis has in bringing a crime to bear, he has just as much, and goes to great lengths to prove it in setting a huge mistake correct.  Highly recommended, and I don’t think finding this book will be a problem for anyone.

Wipe your feet!

7.  Max Von Mayerling (Sunset Boulevard) – It is very, very hard to find good help these days.  Especially if you’re a washed up actress with a God complex.  Then again, maybe it’s not.  Maybe you could just hire on your ex-husband to do it.  That’s what Norma Desmond does when she keeps Max working for her for years, after he used to be a famous director.  He follows her down into obscurity because he loves her too much to let her go.  So, to be close to her, he becomes her butler.  In the movie, he can be seen cleaning up after her current lover, Joe.  Look, there’s been plenty of women I’ve loved in my life, but none so much that I’m going to those kinds of lengths for them, fuck, and no.

Wow. Looks like Communism really was a red herring.

6.  Wadsworth (Clue) – Did he do it?  Did he not?  Who the hell did it?  Depends on the ending you watch, but one thing’s for certain…Tim Curry is IN this movie, instantly deeming it worth watching.  If it’s not his guests difficulty with his pronunciation of “now” and “no”, it’s his relatively quick paced explanations for what is occuring that certainly helps this movie along.  And, given that it’s a movie based on a board game, you can see where that would help.  So, Ridley Scott, if you’re reading this (HA!), please use this movie as a template when you get around to making your Monopoly film.  Thank you.  And, speaking of Tim Curry… 

Kind of hard on his boss/boss's creations.

5.  Riff-Raff (The Rocky Horror Show, The Rocky Horror Picture Show) – Say you go to all the trouble to write one of the coolest musicals ever, and a big movie is going to be made of it.  You’d like to be in it…but where do you fit?  Why, as the damn butler, of course.  Then again, Riff’s more of a handyman than a butler.  When all the cards are played, he’s not even that!  Richard O’Brien did manage, however, to steal entire scenes from one of the best villains of all time, Dr. Frank N. Furter.  When you can do that, when you can actually steal scenes from Tim Curry in drag?  Then you sir, are a talent to be dealt with!

You rrrrang...Aw, fuck it. Whattyawant?!

4.  Lurch (The Addams Family) – If the family is weird as hell, their butler should be too, right?  Not this time.  Lurch, who looks like some kind of horrible science experiment gone awry is easily the most human, most normal member of the Addams clan.  And, they love him just like a member of the family.  I guess if butlers are hard to find, then good harpsichordists are probably much harder.  After giving the series a new review, and watching Ted Cassidy’s performance as Lurch, I was surprised about just how many episodes seem to focus on the butler’s love life.  Whatever he was doing, it was good television.

Comes in, throws cape on the floor! What does Master Bruce think I am, his butler?!

3.  Alfred Pennyworth (Batman) – The closest thing that Bruce Wayne has to a father is English butler and field medic Alfred, and my favorite incarnation of him (besides the hardass from the actual comic book) is the current movie incarnation of him, Michael Caine.  Why would he be my choice?  Well, he doesn’t take shit from Bruce, number one.  He’s the element in the films that seems to ground Batman and keep him wholly human.  He also would appear to do the work of ten damn men, what with taking care of the mansion, the cave, cooking, cleaning, and sewing up Bruce whenever he takes it on the chin.  He might not be the best butler, but he’s probably the most badass on this list.

Gayer than a Christmas cookie.

2.  Lynn Belvedere (Belvedere, Sitting Pretty, Mr. Belvedere Goes to College, Mr. Belvedere Rings the Bell, Mr. Belvedere) – From book to big screen to successful TV series, Mr. Lynn Belvedere is one of the better known (besides Jeeves, and I’m not a Wodehouse fan, so you won’t see him here) butlers in popular media history.  So popular that I’m certain the hate mail will flow for his not being at the number one spot on the list.  Tough shit!  Get your own website and you can put whoever you want on it.  As for me, I find this butler charming in all incarnations, but none more so than we he was played by master actor and old queen Clifton Webb.  His method for getting a baby to stop throwing food?  Throw it right back on him!  There’s a lot to be said for the TV series, but Sitting Pretty has long been one of my favorite movies, and so, has my heart when it comes to the old, misplaced butler.

And yet, Godfrey wouldn't tap her. He's a better man than me, that's all I can say for him.

1.  Godfrey Park  (My Man Godfrey) – To win a scavenger hunt, a pair of sisters come to the local dump looking for a “forgotten man”, or, if you please, a filthy hobo bum to parade about a hotel in a drunken stupor.  When the first man they come to pushes the older sister, Cornelia (Gail Patrick…sigh…) in an ashpile for being a bitch, the younger sister, Irene (Carole Lombard) manages to convince the dirty bum beggar to accompany her and win.  She becomes smitten with him and his disease ridden set of whiskers, that she hires him as the family butler.  But, there’s much more to Godfrey than a nickel for bottle of Thunderbird, yes sir!  And, that’s all I’m going to tell you about him.  It’s one of the funniest movies ever made, and because I like you, my six readers (Hi, Grandaddy!) so much, I’ll show you where you can find it.  Hell, just watch the opening credits and tell me you don’t want to see the rest of it!

I suppose you might want to know the reason I would write a piece about butlers.  The truth is, when Dr. Horrible was coming to DVD, the powers that be behind it held a video contest to join the Evil League of Evil.  ThatCostumeGirl came up with The Butler, because the people have a right to know just why the butler was always doing it.  Evil, I mean, not sex.  That would have been an entirely different movie.  So, here it is, our Evil League of Evil application video, made with no budget, no means, barely any talent, but a lot of love…I present, The Butler: