The truth's the truth. You can await my young adult series "Go Fuck Yourself" being published any day now.

Okay, it’s been pretty obvious that I can’t stand the cultural phenomenon that has become Twilight.  However, I never knew I would draw as much ire over it as I have.  Twilight sucks, and really, that’s all there is to it.  It’s fans though, are another matter altogether.  Having been immersed in science fiction/fantasy/horror fandom for years and I’ve been around Star Wars fanatics, Trekkies, Browncoats, Whedonites, etc, etc, etc…and I’ve never seen anything to match the hatefulness and spitefulness of these Twihards.  So, let’s get started poking the hornet’s nest one more time!

1.  Walk up to someone wearing a Team Jacob shirt and ask ‘What’s it like to have to hots for someone who probably has fleas?”

2.  If you ever happen to see Edward Cullen out and about, ask him if he’s tired from mentally abusing his underage girlfriend.  It must be hard work, after all.

3.  Slap Bella across the face.  I don’t have anything to add to that.  That bitch needs a good slappin’.  Then again, she’d probably fall in love with you for it.

4.  If you meet someone who has named their children after someone from this series…kill them.  Their children are better off as orphans after their parents have clearly tried to stunt their emotional growth in such a way.

5.  Ask Edward Cullen if he feels ashamed for not being able to pull off hair product like Angel without looking totally gay.

6.  See if you can boil water on a collection of the Twilight werewolves, because they’re so hot (temperature wise).  When you fail to do so, tell them all to put on a fucking shirt already.

7.  See if you can menace one of the Cullen with a pair of plastic vampire fangs.  When you accomplish this (and you will), say “See!  It’s not that hard to be a scary vampire!”

8.  Just mention that you don’t like Twilight.  When whatever twi-fan is hanging around you starts on their normal bullshit, say “It’s not because I didn’t give it a chance.  It just sucks.”  Leave while they’re trying to convince you.

9.  Go to see Eclipse.  Turn to the person next to you and loudly say “So, where’s Gary Busey?  Isn’t he in this movie?  Doesn’t he have a silver bullet?”  Then go home and take a shower to wash your sins away.  Even if you went to see it as a joke, you’ve still seen it.

10.  The next positive review from some lame ass Twihard about Eclipse you hear, grab the front of their shirt and scream in their face “IT’S A SHITTY MOVIE BASED ON A FUCKING TERRIBLE BOOK SERIES!  IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD!!!  EVER!!!” 

Personally, if I hadn’t had trouble with friends, old acquaintances, family, etc, giving me shit for disliking this terrible thing, I wouldn’t have written this.  It is a simple fact that I will never, ever like this.  I gave it a chance, and came away thoroughly disappointed.  So, please, save it.  I don’t care what you have to say about Twilight.  In my opinion, it’s fucking terrible, and will always be that way.  End of story.

It’s no secret that I really, really hate Twilight.  I feel it important as a father to say that my children, not so much.  They were more than willing to shoot this parody video for me, which first started written life without them in it, and had a much darker, but equally comic tone.  I’m very proud of both my kids in this one, and once again, the camera caught me as director, bitching at everyone about how terrible their acting was, while blowing every one of my lines and turning in a lackluster performance.  We’re still pretty happy with the finished product, however, and hope you find it as funny as we did.  I present Sonlight.

Aww..how cute, and utterly annoying.

Okay, maybe finding new ways to annoy iconic comic book characters wasn’t the best way I could have spent my time, but damn it, I’m a nerd, and that’s just how I roll.  Now that my Superhero time is done, let’s get back to the basics of simply annoying our fellow man (or woman…it’s suprisingly easy to annoy women)!  I’m a big fan of annoying people.  Mostly people they annoy the hell out of me beforehand!  Anyways, let’s get to it.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump.

1.  Empty someone’s sunblock bottle, and replace it with a mixture of vegetable oil and horseradish.  Sunburn and spicy goodness is a winning combination.

2.  When your server brings you a mint with your check at a restaurant, refuse to pay it if the mint is not “wafer thin“.

3.  The next time you’re at church, see if you can exchange a hymn for a hardcore rap song, ala Bart Simpson and his replacement of a hymn with Iron Butterfly’s “Innagaddadavida“.  Replacing cursewords with holy words IS acceptable in this case.

4.  Dress like a witch/wizard from Harry Potter and run around with a stick placing spells on people.  For no reason whatsoever.  Bonus points for doing this in full robes in the blazing sun.

5.  Buy a watermelon and some M-80s and head to the Gallagher show.  Show him how to REALLY deal with a melon.

6.  Head to the local bar and do a shot for every celebrity that’s bitten the dust this year.  If you should happen to throw up, curse the name of John Forsythe as much as possible.  (Not because he’s bad, but because you were stupid enough to try this, and he did die this year.)

7.  Dress like a typical opera performer, with the metal breastplate and horned helmet and head out grocery shopping.  If someone asks you if your an opera singer, say “No.” and walk away.

8.  Fake pictures of yourself on the Grassy Knoll.  Hang them in your house.

9.  See if you can reenact the movie “Duel” with the local ice cream man.  In case you’re wondering, your the killer truck in this scenario.

10.  Head to see your biggest local baseball team play.  When someone hits a homerun, jump up and yell “TOUCHDOWN”!  Then try to explain to the people around you that you were making a joke.  Explain this for the rest of the game.

Strip by Scott Kurtz. Pretending That Kurtz Isn't An Asshole by ManWithPez.

Face it!  Bruce Wayne has it coming, and not just the Goddamn Batman version of him, either!  He’s just so damn smug and confident in himself and his intellect, and you just want to slap the everlovin’ shit out of him.  Maybe that’s just me, though.  Batman…he’s awful hard to fool, but I’ve noticed something about the character.  In his race to prove to the world that’s he a big hardass, he’s revealed that he’s very, very easily annoyed.  So, come with me, and let’s discuss different ways to annoy Batman, after the jump.

1.  Replace the pointy bat ears on Batman’s mask with fuzzy white rabbit ears.  See how long it takes him to figure it out.

2.  Tell the Joker that Batman is really Alfred Pennyworth.  You know…close to the mark, but not quite a bullseye.  Stick around to see Batman’s reaction to having the Joker in stately Wayne Manor.

3.  The next time you see Batman with Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, BatWoman, Huntress, Catwoman, or any number of other Batfamily, ask him if there’s just too much crime for him to handle on his own.

4.  Ask Bruce what he’s going to do for Mother/Father’s Day. 

5.  Feed Ace, The Bathound a pound of laxative and set him loose in the Batcave.

6.  Ask Batman if the Batmobile is so big because he’s compensating for something besides the death of his parents.

7.  Tell Robin wit in earshot of Batman that it’s okay to reveal if Batman has engaged in a Bat-Touch in a bad way.

8.  Secretly (Good luck!) glue Batman’s cape to his BatBoots.  See how far he can run THEN!

9.  Give the Goddamn Batman (or any Frank Miller version of Batman, really) a cookie and a glass of milk and tell him it’s going to be okay.  You might want to run.  That particular Batman isn’t picky about killing people.

10.  Create a storyline where Bruce’s mom was a crack whore, Bruce’s father was a drug dealer, and Alfred was really Bruce’s father, with Bruce being conceived during a gangbang.  Oh wait…scratch that…it’s been done. (You might want to avoid the last two years of Batman comics, by the way.)

I'd be upset too, if I suddenly realized I had inadvertently put a Gay Pride Triangle on my armor.

Tony Stark is a pretty mellow guy, when he’s not being harangued by his inner-demons, that is.  He’s a brilliant engineer and inventor, but he’s also a bit arrogant, and more than a bit alcoholic.  Hey, if I could drink and fly around in my kick-ass metal suit and blow shit up all day, you’d never hear from my fat ass again!  That being said, I’m certain there are ways to piss him off.  Here’s the best ten I could think of.  (Okay, here’s the fastest ten I could think of…you happy now?!)

10.  Bump into Tony Stark at a party and say “Excuse me, Mr. Wayne.”

9.  Ask Iron Man how it is to have “Rust” listed as an enemy.

8.  Every chance you get, say thank you to Iron Man by declaring “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.”

7.  If the Iron Man armor ever freezes up, make as many “Oil can” jokes as you can before actually assisting Mr. Stark.

6.  Remind Mr. Stark that you were against the Superhero Registration Act from the start, and that there’s not a damn thing he can do about it.

5.  Swap out all the scotch in Tony’s house with motor oil.  (I wouldn’t hang around to see how this ends, actually.)

4.  When Tony is trying to put on his armor, try to roll a smokebomb into it before he can get it completely done up.

3.  If Mr. Stark ever gives you any money, use the light from the ARC Reactor in his chest to see if it is counterfeit.

2.  Take a shot at Iron Man with a high powered rifle.  When he confronts you about it, say “Aw…that’ll buff right out.  No need to call the insurance company.”

1.  See if Iron Man will let you roast a hot dog off his “exhaust”.

Truer words, my friends. This is how awful shit really gets started.

I can’t really understand most supervillains in comics.  I mean, apparently over in Gotham City, all it takes is losing your job to drive most people over the edge into killing people left and right for no reason other than they’re just pissed off.  So, I imagine that you have to tread lightly around them.  You never know when minor annoyance is going to lead to “Off with his head!”  or some other horrible consequence of being annoying.   I, for one, like that I’m alive, and want to keep my body parts functioning.  Then again, these are all fake people, so screw em!  I mean, who are you really going to piss off by talking shit about comic book supervillains?  What’s that?  Oh…anyone who’d ever come to this site on their own.  Gotcha.  How to annoy supervillains after the jump.

1.  Wait for Dr. Doom to get pissed, and he’ll say his trademark “Bah!” .  When he does, jump in and ask him if he’s a sheep.

2.  Ask Doomsday to spell “Doomsday”.

3.  Ask the Green Goblin why he flies around on the Goblin Glider if it makes him succeptible to defeat by clothesline.

4.  Tell Darkseid that you’ve found the Anti-Life Equation (Watch clip to the end to get my meaning).  When he asks for it, say “Psyche!” and run away.  Very, very quickly.

5.  Tell Omega Red that the tentacles coming out his arms are the most phallic thing he could use to commit crime besides using his actual penis.

6.  Send Maxwell Lord a neckbrace and tell him it’s a gift from Paradise Island.

7.  Tell Magneto that his goofy looking helmet makes him look like a big, red dick.  Emphasize the word “dick” in case he’s uncertain of your message.

8.  See if you can get The Joker to grow up and get a real job.

9.  Ask Galactus if he’s been putting on weight recently.  That ought to slow down his planet eating…for a little while at least.

10.  Whenever you see Lex Luthor exiting the bathroom, ask him if he washed his hands.

Bad pets? Maybe. Bad Photoshop? Definitely.

Let’s get it out in the open.  I don’t own any animals.  No cats, no dogs, and no escargot.  I find the children I have to be enough animals in the house, thanks.  For all that, however, (and my cat hate has been thoroughly documented on this site.) whenever I did have any pets, I went out of my way to make sure their existence was as stress free as it could be.  It is insanely easy to annoy your pets, however, and since I’ve made it my mission in life to annoy to the utmost, here’s a handy guide on how to piss off your pets.  Bear in mind, however, that your typical fur people have sharp teeth and claws.  Another reason I don’t keep them in the house.  Ten New Ways to Annoy Your Pets after the jump.

1.  Babytalk to your pets at all times.  That’s not excitement on their faces…they just can’t wait to be away from you.

2.  Spank your Sea Monkeys.  For no reason whatsoever.

3.  Treat your cat in a very condescending manner.  See how they like it for a change.

4.  You know that “acting like you’re thowing a ball, but not throwing it” trick that most people pull on their dogs?  Don’t ever do it.  Until you’re pretty sure your dog is about to drop dead from old age.  Then try it once, just to see what happens.

5.  Eat fishsticks in front of your aquarium.

6.  Place your mouse/gerbil/guinea pig cage in front of the TV, and pop in a copy of the V miniseries.  That ought to settle them down.

7.  Put miniature saddles on all your housepets.  Whenever someone asks about it, say it’s so they can chase down the “Gravy Train”.

8.  Teach your parrot to talk, but whenever you’re around it, talk wrong.  That way, when it opens it’s loudass mouth for no apparent reason, it will simply sound insane.

9.  Give your iguana a rowsing pep talk on how it could be the next Godzilla if it really wanted to.

10.  Train your pets in pickpocketing.  Hold a dinner party and try them out.  Eat the poorest performer as a message to the others.

Aw man! Why didn't I think of THAT one!

I imagine that if you’re dead, you’re probably pretty easy to piss off.  Add to it the pressure of having to seduce and drink blood, and you’ve got an undead powderkeg on your hands!   Since I’m not just going after any particular fandom, we’ll have several types of vampires in this week’s list.  That, and I didn’t know what else to write about, and I just needed the filler.  Enjoy!

1.  Stitch together several bags of donor blood to resemble a cross.  Hang it out for the vampires to see.  It should confuse the hell out of them.

2.  Before your next trip to Bon Temps, Louisiana, eat, bathe in, and carry tons of garlic.  As explained on the show, it doesn’t kill them, but it should royally piss them off.

3.  Threaten a vampire with a sharpened pencil.  Remark that said vampire is quite the pansy if a pencil is all it takes to kill him.

4.  If you see Edward Cullen in the sunlight, lick your thumb and try to get the glitter off his face.

5.  Make sure you have faith.  Tell Jerry Dandridge from Fright Night that you don’t have any faith.  When he gets comfortable and tries to kill you, wave a cross in his face and yell “Psyche!”

6.  Slap Dracula.  I’m certain he won’t know how to deal with it.

7.  Choke a vampire.  You know…just for the sheer fun and Hell of it.

8.  Push a vampire into a church.  I can’t be the only person who’s curious about what would happen.

9.  Wait until daylight, chain up a vampire, and bury him up to his neck.  Return to the head to have conversations with it periodically.  Make sure your vampire is at least a little bit interesting.

10.  Promise to invite a vampire into your house.  Once you get there, go inside, expose your neck, and tell the vampire to piss off.  Have fun in your house that you can never leave after sundown again.

That pretty much sums it up.

The Twilight saga is filled with the pansiest bunch of vampires in the known universe.  And, yes, I’ve read most of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.  Just because a vampire is gay doesn’t mean he’s a pansy.  Indeed, Edward Cullen isn’t gay…but he might as well wear a yellow bonnet and go pick some daisies, that’s all I’m saying.  I don’t really understand the attraction to vampires anyways.  They’re DEAD!  In most vampire mythos around the world, not only are they dead, they’re about as interesting as a walking corpse, and they smell like they’re dead as well.  Anyway, here’s a Twilight poke to just piss off the fans, who I think I may dislike more than the source material.  And, don’t worry…there’s so much Twilight hate in the world, that I’ll be back on this subject in no time.  I can’t claim credit for the picture above, by the way.

He cares about as much as I do about my birthday.

Last week was my son and my mother, this week is my daughter and my exwife.  This weekend, it’s mine.  Birthdays!  They’re everywhere, and while mine usually don’t bother me, this one, the 35th, isn’t shaping up to be my best ever.  No worries, however.  I’ve usually tried to not to be irritable on my birthday, but it’s far too easy to annoy people on the day they move up an age bracket.  Here’s ten ways to push the envelope, but remember, if you poke a sleeping dog with a stick, you deserve what’s headed your way.  Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump.

1.  Buy a fake plastic arm and a huge birthday cake.  Position the arm to give the appearance that a stripper tried, but didn’t quite make it out.  Sincerely intone “Oh shit!  A dead stripper is SUCH bad luck!”  when the cake is given to the birthday person.

2.  If you’re not happy with your birthday cake, put the candles out with your ass.

3.  When some asshole at the restaurant you’re at for your birthday tells the wait staff that it’s your birthday, and they approach to sing, preempt them by singing “Happy Birthday” to them first.  Clap when you’ve finished and send them on their way.

4.  Send bondage gifts and sex toys to a distant relative’s first birthday party anonymously.

5.  When someone asks you what you want for your birthday, answer “World peace.  Barring that, I’d like to hunt a bald eagle or poison a reservoir.”

6.  Get one of those fake “Newspaper From The Day You were Born” gifts, but make sure it only has the worst news from that day in history on it.  Mass murders or terrorist attacks are a plus.

7.  For your own birthday, wear one of those plastic crowns they give out at birthday parties.  When someone who doesn’t know it’s your birthday asks about it, tell them you’ve overthrown the Burger King in a violent and bloody coup.

8.  Just before your birthday cake is brought out, tell everyone how thankful you are for another year clean.  When they ask clean of what, say “Cake.”

9.  Go to the local party supply store and go crazy on it like The Who in a hotel room.  When the cops show up, tell them that you thought it was what you were supposed to do on your birthday.  I mean, they do supply parties, right?

10.  Send a birthday card to your grandmother that only reads “I know what you did last summer.”  See what she confesses to.