ManWithPez

The Descent, to me, is one of the most terrifying films, I’ve ever seen.   My children absolutely love it.  When we starting doing this film short series, they requested that we do a parody of The Descent.  We came up with this one on the fly, but I still love the results.  I hope you like them too.  They were very pleased with this one, mostly because it was shot inside of ten minutes.

The last name in entertaining vacation themed films.

Tomorrow begins a week long vacation for me and my family.  The only problem is that I haven’t been on vacation with my family in over ten years.  Also, I just wanted to apologize for the lack of updates just lately.  I’ve been very busy with my children this summer, and I expect things will pick up in August.  I love you guys, though.

Nah, I’m kidding.  Fags!  Heh.

If you had a red haired daughter, what Stephen King parody would you film?  Carrie gets a going over from Canes Venatici, but not too roughly, because that telekinetic young lady scares me!  Anyways, this is the fourth of our summer film series, but not the last.  hang in there for more in the coming weeks.  You seem to like them, and we love doing them.

The truth's the truth. You can await my young adult series "Go Fuck Yourself" being published any day now.

Okay, it’s been pretty obvious that I can’t stand the cultural phenomenon that has become Twilight.  However, I never knew I would draw as much ire over it as I have.  Twilight sucks, and really, that’s all there is to it.  It’s fans though, are another matter altogether.  Having been immersed in science fiction/fantasy/horror fandom for years and I’ve been around Star Wars fanatics, Trekkies, Browncoats, Whedonites, etc, etc, etc…and I’ve never seen anything to match the hatefulness and spitefulness of these Twihards.  So, let’s get started poking the hornet’s nest one more time!

1.  Walk up to someone wearing a Team Jacob shirt and ask ‘What’s it like to have to hots for someone who probably has fleas?”

2.  If you ever happen to see Edward Cullen out and about, ask him if he’s tired from mentally abusing his underage girlfriend.  It must be hard work, after all.

3.  Slap Bella across the face.  I don’t have anything to add to that.  That bitch needs a good slappin’.  Then again, she’d probably fall in love with you for it.

4.  If you meet someone who has named their children after someone from this series…kill them.  Their children are better off as orphans after their parents have clearly tried to stunt their emotional growth in such a way.

5.  Ask Edward Cullen if he feels ashamed for not being able to pull off hair product like Angel without looking totally gay.

6.  See if you can boil water on a collection of the Twilight werewolves, because they’re so hot (temperature wise).  When you fail to do so, tell them all to put on a fucking shirt already.

7.  See if you can menace one of the Cullen with a pair of plastic vampire fangs.  When you accomplish this (and you will), say “See!  It’s not that hard to be a scary vampire!”

8.  Just mention that you don’t like Twilight.  When whatever twi-fan is hanging around you starts on their normal bullshit, say “It’s not because I didn’t give it a chance.  It just sucks.”  Leave while they’re trying to convince you.

9.  Go to see Eclipse.  Turn to the person next to you and loudly say “So, where’s Gary Busey?  Isn’t he in this movie?  Doesn’t he have a silver bullet?”  Then go home and take a shower to wash your sins away.  Even if you went to see it as a joke, you’ve still seen it.

10.  The next positive review from some lame ass Twihard about Eclipse you hear, grab the front of their shirt and scream in their face “IT’S A SHITTY MOVIE BASED ON A FUCKING TERRIBLE BOOK SERIES!  IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD!!!  EVER!!!” 

Personally, if I hadn’t had trouble with friends, old acquaintances, family, etc, giving me shit for disliking this terrible thing, I wouldn’t have written this.  It is a simple fact that I will never, ever like this.  I gave it a chance, and came away thoroughly disappointed.  So, please, save it.  I don’t care what you have to say about Twilight.  In my opinion, it’s fucking terrible, and will always be that way.  End of story.

I know I haven’t been posting much, but that’s going to change very soon, I promise.  I’ve been pretty busy in the meantime, what with my children haunting the hallways around here.  Literally.

Here’s our Stephen King parody of The Shining, called The Whining.  I really hope you like it, as we plan to continue spoofing famous horror films for the next couple of weeks.  Or until we get sick of doing it. 

Small chidren and a quart strawberry syrup do NOT mix, by the way!

It’s no secret that I really, really hate Twilight.  I feel it important as a father to say that my children, not so much.  They were more than willing to shoot this parody video for me, which first started written life without them in it, and had a much darker, but equally comic tone.  I’m very proud of both my kids in this one, and once again, the camera caught me as director, bitching at everyone about how terrible their acting was, while blowing every one of my lines and turning in a lackluster performance.  We’re still pretty happy with the finished product, however, and hope you find it as funny as we did.  I present Sonlight.

GODDAMN!!! Bitch about the 80s all you want...but give credit where it's due!

I have to say it.  My mind has been elsewhere.  Now, you would be thinking that I’m just concentrating on my kids being in town, and you’d be half right, but Summer brings out certain animals in all of us, and occasionally I have to explain to my kids why Daddy was staring at that woman at the pool.  So, if you’re anything like me (myopic), then invest in a good pair of sunglasses, and head on out into the world.  Seriously!  This weekend especially!  There’s going to be government sanctioned controlled explosions all over the country to celebrate the French saving our bacon in the Revolutionary War.  Also, I promise you, nerdpods, the sun can be your friend.  Then again, if you’re anything like me, take sunscreen.  And, maybe head to the gym a few times.  If you’re not like me, well, then…GET THE HELL OFF MY SITE!  Anyways, I was just looking for a reason to post a picture of Phoebe Cates from Fast Time at Ridgemont High.  Best. Nude. Scene.  EVER!