Chuck Norris vs My Grandaddy!Friday, June 18th, 2010
This seems like kind of a no brainer given that Father’s Day is coming and Chuck Norris and my Grandaddy are damn near the same age. I would worry about whether or not I’m going to offend my Grandaddy, but it’s not like he ever comes to this site. That would require him to be home from whatever exotic island he and my grandmother are seemingly always visiting. There is one very solid difference between these two men. I’m not frightened of Chuck Norris, and my Grandaddy scares the living shit out of me! Find out why after the jump!
1. A bull once kicked my Grandaddy. His response? To barehanded rip its horn off. True story.
2. My Grandaddy hasn’t grown a beard as long as I’ve known him. Why? He once did in his youth, and impressed a peer so much that he was never without a beard again. That man: Chuck Norris. Grandaddy thought he looked goofy and felt so bad about it, that he never grew a beard again.
3. My Grandaddy’s nickname? “Red”. You’d think it had something to do with his hair color, but the truth is, he was so filled with rage in his youth that Red was the only color he could see.
4. My Grandaddy works out everyday. As he lifts boulders and cows over his head, he laughs every time he sees ones of those Chuck Norris Total Gym commercials.
5. My Grandaddy doesn’t cut down Christmas trees. He punches them down. They spontaneously decorate themselves on the ground.
6. You know that fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris? Well, Bruce and my Grandaddy once fought, and THAT fight was half as long and ended with Bruce Lee crying.
7. My Grandaddy has a bench grinder. I thought it was for grinding, but it turns out that he uses it to scratch his back. Like a MAN!
8. Chuck Norris might have played a Texas Ranger, but my Grandaddy is a volunteer fireman. No shit.
9. My Grandaddy used to raise cattle for slaughter. He didn’t send the cows to the slaughterhouse. He took care of that business with his bare hands. Because he was bored.
10. Chuck Norris let Average Joes compete in the Dodgeball final. My Grandaddy used to come to my baseball games. I’m sticking with Grandaddy. Whether or not you do is up to you, but I warn you. He’s huge!