ManWithPez

I can't be the only one that wants to push him in that pool.

Mr. Shyamalan…we have to talk.  As you might have guessed, we’re going to be talking about your next movie, The Last Airbender.  By all indications, this looks to be a decent movie, but I’m going to need more than that from you this time.  I need you, like Maverick in Top Gun, to pull up before you hit the hard deck.  And no buzzing the tower, either.  More on this after the jump.

You’ve had a checkered past, Mr. Wunderkind director.  For me, I think the beginning was rocky, myself.  Sure, there are those out there that say The Sixth Sense is one of the better horror films ever made.  Well, I’m not here to stroke your ego.  It’s overrated.  It’s not a bad film, and there are some genuine thrills to be had, but it’s that one movie, and it’s ending (it’s predictable ending to anyone with two eyes…sorry one eyed people out there) that has set you up for some really hard falls later in your career.  Blah blah twist blah.  That’s not a winning formula, man. 

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that your next film, Unbreakable, was enjoyable.  At least, to me it was.  It’s the only movie in the last twenty years that I could say was too short (well…maybe Zombieland, but that’s got nothing to do with this.)  I could have stood another half hour of Bruce Willis’s exploits in that movie.  And, yes, there was a  twist in that one, but again, not an unguessable one.  I can, and do recommend that movie.  Signs was a different story.  Not a horrible film, but just a little too busy for the story, I though.  But, I liked Signs.  Mostly because I like stories where the end parts are sitting out in the open, but they have to be applied correctly.  Yes, the aliens trying to come to a planet that’s mostly water when it’s their only weakness is a bit on the stupid side, but again, strong performances and the general look of the movie appealed to me.  Sure, there was plenty of bad there, but there was a lot of good. 

The Village, however, gets a little stickier.  Had your precious twist ending been left off, it would have been a much more serviceable movie.  Now, I’m not stating that mine is the only…or even the only good opinion.  Far from it.  With the exception of Adrian Brody, you managed to get some decent performances out of some decent actors.  In the end, the ending let me down, because it felt so unnecessary.

Then, things really start to go downhill.  I’ve not seen all of Lady in the Water.  Mostly because what I have seen is downright atrocious.   I can’t speak intelligently on the film, because I can’t sit through it, but I’m willing to bet that’s not a good sign.  I won’t bash it endlessly here, either.  That’s been done.  Likewise for The Happening.  I’ll tell you this about that movie, though.  Where do you get off making a movie that’s ten times worse than the trailer (by all accounts.  Again, I can’t sit through it).  The TRAILER for The Happening was so badass!  But, that’s two big strikes against you, and the lob you’ve been served up in The Last Airbender better not be strike three.

I know this is a nothing blog, and my opinion amounts to little to nothing in the scheme of things.  The trailer for The Last Airbender looks awesome, and that gives me pause.  The trailers for The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Happening were all very, very good.  The movies, not so much.  That your last three movies were panned doesn’t bother me.  But, you are messing with a very important property…at least in this house, Avatar has been important.  I like the look of things so far, but I liked the look The Happening too.  You’re not known for family movies, or adapting other people’s works.  So, I’m still trying to figure out what underdwelling diety you sold your soul to to make this movie.  I need things from this movie, and I need you to deliver them.  I wouldn’t have choosen you as a director, but that’s already done.

If you give us a rotten egg in the ruined corpse of a movie in the form of one of my favorite TV shows, we’re going to have a problem.  Not a stalk/letterbomb/stabby problem, but a problem.  You will become the constant butt of my jokes in a way that Chuck Norris has yet to feel around here.  I’ll never watch, or allow any member of my family to watch another one of your movies.  That you’ve turned out a great trailer, I think, is pretty good first step.  Then that comes on the heels that you’re interested in directing one of the Twilight movies?  Do you know what the term ”backslide” means?  Don’t fuck this up!  Give me a good Avatar movie, and you can go shoot gay porn…sorry, Twilight movies until your hat floats. 

I know these words carry little threat, but you’ve managed to thoroughly piss me off in the last few years, and now you have the reins of The Last Airbender.  Just try…please try to get it right.  That is all.

Tags: Director, Rant, Shyamalan, The Last Airbender

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 1st, 2010 at 12:41 pm and is filed under Cartoons, Celebrity, Internet, Movies, Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.