Ten New Ways to Annoy People: The Birthday Edition
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
He cares about as much as I do about my birthday.
Last week was my son and my mother, this week is my daughter and my exwife. This weekend, it’s mine. Birthdays! They’re everywhere, and while mine usually don’t bother me, this one, the 35th, isn’t shaping up to be my best ever. No worries, however. I’ve usually tried to not to be irritable on my birthday, but it’s far too easy to annoy people on the day they move up an age bracket. Here’s ten ways to push the envelope, but remember, if you poke a sleeping dog with a stick, you deserve what’s headed your way. Ten new ways to annoy people after the jump.
1. Buy a fake plastic arm and a huge birthday cake. Position the arm to give the appearance that a stripper tried, but didn’t quite make it out. Sincerely intone “Oh shit! A dead stripper is SUCH bad luck!” when the cake is given to the birthday person.
2. If you’re not happy with your birthday cake, put the candles out with your ass.
3. When some asshole at the restaurant you’re at for your birthday tells the wait staff that it’s your birthday, and they approach to sing, preempt them by singing “Happy Birthday” to them first. Clap when you’ve finished and send them on their way.
4. Send bondage gifts and sex toys to a distant relative’s first birthday party anonymously.
5. When someone asks you what you want for your birthday, answer “World peace. Barring that, I’d like to hunt a bald eagle or poison a reservoir.”
6. Get one of those fake “Newspaper From The Day You were Born” gifts, but make sure it only has the worst news from that day in history on it. Mass murders or terrorist attacks are a plus.
7. For your own birthday, wear one of those plastic crowns they give out at birthday parties. When someone who doesn’t know it’s your birthday asks about it, tell them you’ve overthrown the Burger King in a violent and bloody coup.
8. Just before your birthday cake is brought out, tell everyone how thankful you are for another year clean. When they ask clean of what, say “Cake.”
9. Go to the local party supply store and go crazy on it like The Who in a hotel room. When the cops show up, tell them that you thought it was what you were supposed to do on your birthday. I mean, they do supply parties, right?
10. Send a birthday card to your grandmother that only reads “I know what you did last summer.” See what she confesses to.
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