Ten New Ways to Annoy People: The Offspring Edition
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
Look at her! She's just begging to be annoyed!
Yes, yes, children are little people too. Little, loud, snotty, annoying people, too. I oughta know! I’ve helped created two of them! And, it just so happens that their birthdays are forthcoming. So, get ready to see a post or two devoted to them. Children annoy me so much that I think of it as a public service to help other in finding ways to bug the little turd droppers. Now, tread carefully here. Invariably, you will be called immature for trying to get under the skin of someone much younger than you. Screw that! As far as I’m concerned, they have it coming, what with they’re trying to figure out how the world works and their innate curiosity. The NERVE! Ten New Ways to Annoy the young after the jump.
1. Whatever costumed mascot your child is into (Chuck E. Cheese, Mickey Mouse, Spongebob, Wilford Brimley), wait until they meet them for the first time, and then pick a fight with the mascot. Make absolutely certain you rip the head off in the scuffle. Remind your crying child that the mascot “has it comin’”.
2. Whenever your child is watching Barney, make up new lyrics to the “I Love You” song. Take care to make them as filthy as possible, and make certain that the child hears and repeats them. Disavow all knowledge of having taught them the song.
3. “Accidentally” leave your next alcoholic drink in reach of a kid. When they down it, condemn their parents for raising a “Microlush”.
4. Drag your children into the Mac vs PC debate. Get them to make their points with shin kicks.
5. Fall into tears whenever the children watch iCarly or Hannah Montana. Ask the kids why they hate you so much.
6. For a full week, call your children by the wrong name.
7. Use a replica of their favorite stuffed animal to light your grill in front of them. When the tears have reached their maximum, produce the real toy. Repeat throughout the summer.
8. Whenever one of your children asks for a suggestion for one of those “______ is My Hero” essays for school, suggest Robocop, John Matrix from Commando, The Alien Queen from Aliens, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
9. Dress your daughter as Samara Morgan from The Ring before you send her to a slumber party. Dress your son like Batman, complete with working utility belt.
10. During the next thunderstorm, reenact the “GIVE MY CREATION LIFE” scene from Frankenstein, using one of your children as The Monster. Make certain the neighbors see you do this from your rooftop.
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