Phrases/Words That Incur My Wrath Take 2
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
Please...just say one of these phrases around me, and this is the scene that plays in my head.
ThatCostumeGirl read my last list of abusings of the English language and reminded me that I forgot a couple. Turns out that I’m just a hate filled machine that basically dislikes everyone’s words that aren’t mine. And, I stand by that. Like I’ve said before, if you use any of these, I don’t mean to anger you, and I wouldn’t say anything to you, but inside, I’d be as clenched as a hermorrhoidic cocaine user who just sat on a hedgehog. Angering words and phrases after the jump!
In no certain order:
1. “Kiddo” – This was the one ThatCostumeGirl pointed out and asked why it wasn’t on my list. That’s how much I hate this word, because I talk about it all the time. For me, it’s right up there with “Hubby” or “Wifey”, or babytalk. You sound like you’re talking about/to small infants when you use this word. Especially when you’re talking about another adult!
2. “Stay frosty” – Goddamnit! If you say this, just shut the fuck up! I mean I don’t care what you do for a living. If you’re a cop, a soldier, a librarian, or some other high stress dangerous job, just say “Stay aware” not this incredibly stupid phrase.
3. Out of Place Technobabble - Are you an engineer? If you are, are you at work? Is the answer to either of these things, no? Then keep your tech speak to yourself. Most citizens are laypeople when it comes to whatever your incredibly technical job is, and I promise you, the best, easiest way to bore them right out of your conversation is to mention what you do for a living using all the words that you would use at work. I used to work on jets for a living, and when someone asks me what I did…that’s exactly what I tell them! And nothing else.
4. Same Volume Repeaters – Okay, this doesn’t really have anything to do with what’s said, but rather how it’s said. If you say something, and someone wants you to repeat it, please, increase the volume. Don’t say what you just said in the exact same tone of voice! It makes me want to choke you until you aren’t CAPABLE of speaking any louder.
5. Stereotypical Speech – The less I say about this the happier we’ll all be, but I think you can gather what I’m talking about. And, it’s not just limited to any one group. Just bear in mind that I’m NOT talking about slang. This is the bastardization of a language until it’s no longer the language you started with.
6. “Chillax, Guesstimate, etc.” - Some compound words are fun and worth their use. Others are simply unintelligent. Say, “guess” or “estimate”. Please…PLEASE do not combine the two! But my pure, unrefined hatred for this stems from “chillax”. Ugh..Goddamnit! It pisses me off to even have to write down! You remember the last time you stepped in some dogshit? You remember how you felt? That’s how I feel when someone uses that word around me.
7. Last Names – If you aren’t in the military or some other job that typically refers to someone as their last name only, what the hell are you doing calling me by mine? Frankly, in the civilian world, it speaks to a level of familiarity that I promise you we haven’t achieved yet. Oh…and couples in movies who do this? Pffft…please! The only time it didn’t make me cringe was in Lethal Weapon 4, when Rene Russo was calling Martin Riggs simply, Riggs. That’s the ONLY TIME!
8. “Like” – I’ve heard tales of studies that show that young people today are smarter than we were at their age. If that’s the case, I’d sure as hell like some evidence of it. Now, it isn’t all the younger set that abuse the word “like”, but at times, that’s how it feels. Let me put it simply. If you aren’t using a simile, or describing something you have mild affection for, leave the word “like” alone. If you speak in nothing but similes, and/or you have a fondness for everything (as, indeed, I’ve heard abusers of the word “like” sound like), then you’re a fucking moron who should be removed from the gene pool.
9. Musical Onomatopoeia – I hated it when I was a band geek, and I really can’t stand it now. Yes, I’m talking about the verbal musical shorthand that musicians (although, more specifically symphonic musicians, for some reason) speak in to describe passages of music. “Bum”, “Ting”, “Ping”, “Blamp”, “Gong” …okay, maybe not that last one, (And, I’m pretty sure “Blamp” was a creation of my old band director’s, and he used it very, very sparingly) but you see what I’m saying. Now, use those words as lyrics singing a song that you want people to reproduce with instruments. Yep…it’s fucking annoying.
10. Unexplained Acronyms – When I was in the USAF, I was one of the unlucky MX SOBS working in the SQ as the FSC every AM. Now, if that made sense to you, congratulations, I can probably guess what you have done for a living at some point. But this is right up there with technobabble for me. If you have to stop every three seconds to explain yourself, are you really saving time by using the shortened version of these words in the first place? I understand their place. I was in the military, after all. But you see it everywhere. Doctors, computer workers, high level nerds. Just…stop, okay?
There…that’s the last I’ll speak on the subject. I’ve got to tell you that I haven’t enjoyed writing these two articles, and I won’t be revisiting this idea ever again. Not only has it helped me lose faith in the human race, but it makes me feel like an asshole, and I can do that just fine on my own without inventing new ways to do it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, The Beverly Hillbillies are on.
Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?!
Posted on February 23rd, 2010 at 7:07 pm
I hear you on the unexplained acronyms. I understood what you said because I was in the Air Force as well. I attend school now and there is a bunch of Army National Guard there. They always use technobabble/shop words when communicating to “civilians”. Guess who is standing there trying feverishly to be an instant translator for these guys?