ManWithPez

Even the logo pisses me off, now!

In a few simple words, I’ve really, really started to hate the social networking site Facebook.  Now, granted, I understand that it’s not for everyone.  Or, rather, that’s how it started.  When I first got on Facebook, I adored it.  It really was a way to connect with some people that I hadn’t seen in some time.  And then, it turned into a hot mess.  Find out why I can’t stand it anymore, and why I can’t just logoff for good after the jump.

Oh, look! They're lined up for a 3 Stooges style slap!

1.  I’ve Already Been Through High School Once, Thanks. - And, I’m not really fond of the idea of doing it again.  Popularity, cliques, etc…it’s all still right there on Facebook!  I was a bit…oh, antisocial in high school.  I wasn’t really liked that well, and I wasn’t really disliked either.  But, as I’ve pointed out on the internet from time to time, there are people out there that simply do not like the way I look, and want to push my face in forever.  These people have found me on Facebook, and now they want to be my friend.  It might seem petty to hold a grudge for so long, and I’m probably outlining why I should be put on a federal watch list by saying this, but I’m not Mr. Forgiveness.  If you punched me in the face way back…NEWSFLASH…I still don’t like you, and I certainly don’t want to talk to you, ever.  So, if you remember slapping me around; even if you don’t remember it, just leave me alone.  Oh, do you think I liked it when people would come up to me looking for someone else?  No, I didn’t.  I still don’t.

I would like to commission a driveby on the inventor of this shit.

2.  I Don’t Give A Shit About Farmville, YoVille, Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars, etc. – And, I never will.  I play exactly two games on Facebook, and those sparingly.  For the love of ALL that is holy, please…please stop trying to get me to play these stupid fucking Facebook games.  I would rather be lit on fire and put out with a sledgehammer than waste my time with such bullshit, and I really don’t care what the fuck your progress is, thanks. 

Not my family, but deal with this on a daily basis, and you'll get the idea.

3.  The Daily Family Reunion – I love my family, yes I do.  I love them so much that I moved away from them on purpose.  Why?  Well, I’m just like them…enjoyable in small doses.  If there’s a chance that you only go home to see your family for a week at a time at a few key times throughout the year, why on earth would you want them to know what you’re doing at all hours.  When I first got onto Facebook, sure, I’d drink and status update, but that all stopped when my father, one of the few people in my family who is NOT on Facebook says “Saw you were drinking a little bit.”  Even the people who aren’t on Facebook have their spies!  And, it’s not like you can deny your family’s friend requests!  That just makes you a dick in their eyes.  Besides, I love my Grandma.  I just don’t want to reveal to her what I’m doing all the time.  Which, in most cases, is drinking a 40, smoking all the J, and slappin’ a ho. 

Oh Birdy. You're so much better than FailWhale. He's cool too, though.

4.  Twitter, Like Shampoo, is Better – So, if you take Facebook, and strip it of everything that’s annoying about it, you get Twitter.  Fine by me.  The best thing about Twitter is that almost everyone I know on Facebook knows absolutely nothing about it, Thank GOD!  Status updates only?  Fine by me, and you know they won’t be annoyingly overlong, because you only get 140 characters to speak your mind.  If you get too emo?  You go on Twittersnooze (thanks to Neil Gaiman for that recommendation).  If you get too insane…well, you go away, for good.  And, if you’re in my family, and you come to Twitter, you get the warning.  I speak my mind on Twitter, which is filled with insanity, inanity, and cursing…mostly cursing.  So, while I wax philosophical about titties on Twitter, I would never do so on Facebook.  And, yes, I’ve blocked family on Twitter.

A right cross from the Messiah ended the fracas once and for all!

5.  Jesus Doesn’t Care About Your Status Updates – Hey, you!  Why the hell are you praying on Facebook?  Are you trying to show everyone what a good person you are?  Cause, I remember you when you would get passed around a party for sexual purposes.  Pretty sure you didn’t care what God thought about you then.  I’m supposed to reconcile that with who you think you are now (Turbochristian)?  Get bent!  I don’t care what you’re doing today…I’m fairly certain that the Almighty has better things to do with his time than to see if you were able to put gas in your car.   And, that’s what kills me the most about people applying for sainthood through Facebook status updates:  It’s always…ALWAYS concerning something so mundane as to bore people to tears.  Unless you’re living with some kind of infirmity, then it’s nothing special that you were able to get your car out of the snow.  Stop fucking praying about it.   What I have noticed about people with debillitating infirmities…they live their lives and don’t try to hang the whole thing on God.  Certainly not on Facebook.

Budget cuts reduces ManWithPez to drastic graphic measures.

6.  If You Can’t Be You, Who are You? – That picture of you and your husband that you think is so cute?  It’s not bad, I’ll grant you.  But you shouldn’t be using it as a profile picture.  Am I talking to some strange hivemind that consists of you, your fucking dog, and your kids?  No…I’m trying to talk to you.  If Facebook is, indeed, a social network, then why are these people unable to post anything remotely connected with themselves as people?  As I write this, there are 280+ pictures of me on Facebook.  I’m not an attention whore.  Far from it, but that page is about me.  Sure, there are pictures of my kids and family on there, and yes, I talk about them from time to time, but they’re not ALL I talk about.  If you are defined by your family only…then who are you?  You’re not them, you’re you!  Start acting like it.

Damn Facebook ninja! At least his pimp hand is strong.

7.  Stalking, Lurking, and Hiding – If you constantly update your status, and yet you don’t show up in the Who’s On list at the bottom right of the screen…what the fuck are you doing?  Apparently, you’re hiding from certain people.  Hey, nothing wrong with that, but perhaps you shouldn’t be on a SOCIAL NETWORKING site if that’s all you’re going to do.  Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes you just want to go on Facebook and fuck off.  I understand that.  I’m talking about the people who do nothing but.  Do yourself a favor, and remove yourself from Facebook.  Actually, go out somewhere, meet some people, and talk to them.  If those people suck, go to a library and read a book.  Booklearnin’ never hurt nobody, I promise.

I dunno. You're guess is as good as mine.

8.  Cases of the Vague – “LOL”  “This sucks and none of you understand”, “All of you suck” , and more along these lines.  What are you trying to say.  I mean, my personal favorites of these is the “…and none of you understand” statements.  Oh really?  Then what the fuck are you bothering to tell me for?  Not only do I not understand, I don’t care enough about you to respond, which, apparently was what you were going for, Mr or Ms. Drama.  Look, I have enough problems without worrying about your cryptic messages to several hundred people.  Shit, or get off the pot.

Hmm..seems someone with a camera was at my last family reunion.

9. Guilt Trip Causes – Look, if I want to support a cause, I’ll do it in real life, not with some fake ass bullshit Facebook fan page.  How much support do you really, really think you’re offering these causes by saying you support them on Facebook, and then shotgunning your entire friend’s list with like requests?  You want to help those causes, you aren’t going to do it in front of your computer, I guarantee.  I am not going to feel like a bad person because I ignore everyone of these requests.  You start doing something good and real, and then we’ll talk.

You know what...I really don't care who he screwed.

10.  Public Relationship Drama – Oh dear God…This is probably the thing I hate the most.  Look, I’ve been in some bad relationships.  I sure have.  I sure as hell didn’t broadcast them for everyone to see, though.  You can find your friends and talk to them about it on Facebook, that’s true.  You really don’t need to put what’s happening about you as a couple in your public status.  That is, unless you want me to yawn at you.  You have the means, on Facebook, to privately talk to whoever you need to, so do it!  The rest of the people on your friend list will thank you.

There, I think I’ve purged my dislike of Facebook, for the time being.  What’s funny is that if I deleted my Facebook page today, I’d be flooded with calls from my family wanting to know if I’m alright.  None of them read this site, so I don’t have to worry about them coming over here and getting all huffy about it.  But, and I hate to say this, I’m too heavily invested in the site to simply drop off of it.  My family has a very strange habit of disclosing illnesses, surgeries, and deaths only on Facebook.  Yeah, I know…so to take the good with the bad, I have to stay on there.  I check it once every three days or so.    Now, if you’ll excuse me, some people have beaten me on Facebook Farkle, and I need to take them out.  Also, I need to go curse at all the women who are my age who still have status updates concerning how much they love Twilight.  I must mock them and anyone who agrees with them.  Later!

Blech! Even looking at the book cover makes me want to wretch.

Tags: Facebook, Rant

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 13th, 2010 at 2:00 pm and is filed under Internet. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.