Ten New Ways to Annoy People: BLARGH!!!
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
Sound advice, for all you people who read these lists for instructive purposes.
I was going to do away with this weekly column when I decided that things needed to be changed a bit at ManWithPez. Mostly because they’re so easy to write. I figured if they’re easy to write, no one’s reading them. Turns out, I was wrong. Of course the benchmark has always been The Ex-Girlfriend Edition, but I suspect it was the tits on the side that pulled people into that one. That’s how I am, however. I suspect tits of being responsible for a lot of things! Ten newest ways to annoy people after the jump.
1. Go to church dressed as Samara Morgan. Once they mentioned that Jesus died and returned, growl “Not in my movie.”
2. If some neighbors are moving, walk just behind them when they’re carrying something heavy and their hands are full. Loudly say “That looks heavy!”. Run away.
3. The next time you’re on a date, reenact the Chestburster scene from Alien. Remember that it is very important that you land on the table to do this.
4. Walk around most of the day trying to look at your own butt. When someone asks what you’re doing, say “Has my new tail grown in yet?” Then wag your ass as if you do, in fact, have a tail.
5. If it’s your turn to drive in carpool, loudly remind the other people that “Rubbin’ is racin’!”
6. The next time you’re in a crowded restaurant, yell out the phrase “Ewwwwwww!”. When everyone looks at you, say “Oh…I didn’t know you were all listening.”
7. Cross the finish line for the Boston Marathon roughly six months after the race has ended. Bonus points if you do this in runner’s gear, a number attached to you, and a long beard.
8. If you go to an Imax theater, complain to the management that you had no idea that the screen would be that big, and demand your money back.
9. Work dilligently and publicly on a hoverboard. Yeah, just like the one from Back to the Future II.
10. Sharpen a stake and take a seat at the local graveyard. When someone asks, give only the word “Waiting.” as a response.
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