I’m Dreaming Of A White…Something.
Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
May I present the Winter Gangbang of 1954!
“We’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny fuckin’ Kaye.” – Clark W. Grizzwald (Christmas Vacation). See, as a film, White Christmas has pervaded popular culture, and at no time more, of course, than for the holiday it’s named for. While there may be one or two Christmas films out there that you can brush off in, say, July and give a look, White Christmas is probably more suited for such a thing, but it’s not the kind of film you can simply watch over and over. I’ll tell you why after the jump.
ThatCostumeGirl and I recently went to see this movie in a theater. And it wasn’t a digitized copy of it either. The audio was terrible, the print was faded, and I loved every second of it. Well, almost every second of it. What’s my problem? Well, the story of White Christmas concerns our friends Wallace and Davis (Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye) and how they want to help their old retired Army General buddy (Dean Jagger) from going bankrupt because there’s no snow in Vermont and his hotel is going under. Never mind that the old deluded bastard dreams everyday about going back in the Army. They end up in Vermont because Davis wants to find a piece of tail for Bing Crosby. They follow the Haynes sisters up to VT for this very reason. Hey, I would’ve been all for getting a piece of Rosemary Clooney back in the day. Vera Ellen wasn’t anything to sneeze at either. To help the General, the singing duo Wallace and Davis decide to bring their show to the hotel.
Now, for my problems with the movie. I’ve served under a General or two. A couple in combat, and while I was never in the danger that Crosby or Kaye were, there was no commanding officer that I’m setting up a musical for, ever. Okay, that’s petty. The story is cloyingly sweet. It’s really like a huge glass of egg nog that you’ve been forced to drink before dinner. But, I can overlook that. My real problem with this Christmas movie is that it really isn’t a Christmas movie at all. Beyond two numbers (Snow, and White Christmas) none of the songs have ANYTHING to do with Christmas. Another problem…you’ve got a singing, dancing musical, right? Then why would you hire a principle cast in which only one member can actually dance, but can’t sing, and the other three can sing, but can’t dance? Don’t get me wrong, Danny Kaye could dance, but in his one number alone with his love interest Vera Ellen, all he really does is stay out of her way. After that, they bring in a ringer to dance with her. Okay, we can overlook that too, I guess. But, what you’ve got is a giant MGM Busby Berkley musical here with what appears to be a lack of snow instead of water. Some of the numbers, “I Love A Minstrel Show/Mandy” and “Choreography” for instance, have no purpose here. My personal favorite song from White Christmas “Love Didn’t Do Right By Me” sang by Rosemary is a lovely song, but, in a Christmas movie? No thanks.
Which is why it’s one of those “Christmas” movies that you can take off the shelf whenever and give it a watch. Look, I said I have a few problems with the movie, not that I disliked it. I actually care a great deal about this movie, the song “Choreography” (ugh!) aside. Really, they took an existing dance number, and just threw Vera Ellen in it, and what you get is a giant hot mess. But, when all the soldiers are gathered at the end to sing “We’ll Follow The Old Man”, well, it does bring a tear to my eye, even if I can’t quite understand it.
So, I’m certain it’ll be on one channel or another this Christmas, but you don’t have to just watch it then. Whip it out this summer. It’s a sweet family movie (Rosemary’s character, however gets so bent out of shape over a misunderstanding that roughly two thirds of the movie she becomes bitchily unlikeable.) I guess, all told, that there really is nothing wrong with remaking a movie (Holiday Inn, anyone?) around one song. I just expect better from Irving Berlin is all. White Christmas…OH! And, if you get the chance to see it in a theater, take it. It really reawakened in me why I liked the movie in the first place, and that’s that you just can’t keep Danny Kaye down.
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