Ten New Ways to Annoy People #10: The Ex-Girlfriend Edition!
Friday, December 11th, 2009
Admit it...this was the only part of her you were going to look at anyways. (And who could blame you?) Photo courtesy of Niki (AKA: That Girl I Used To Nail)
HA! You’ve probably read that title, and thought “Great! A list about how ex-girlifriends are annoying!” WRONG! This particular list was written by one of my ex-girlfriends, Niki. My simple way of annoying her here in this list intro is by referring to her as both the author and “That Girl I Used To Nail”. Somehow, if she’s writing this for me, I don’t think she’ll find that much umbrage in the statement. Also, if you’re looking at the lovely rack to the right of my finely crafted introduction, you will have discovered at least two of her nicest assets. Well, not only is the body beautifully bountiful, but the brain bubbling inside is brilliant, as this list will show. So, written by @survivingniki (That’s the Twitter handle), presented by me, ManWithPez (You’re at my site…or the Twilight Zone, one or the other) here’s Niki’s Ten New Ways to Annoy People (Which is already bullshit, because there’s 11, but since I lost almost every argument we had when we were together ten years ago, who’s counting.)
1. Barge into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that’s halfway done and yell out, “Sorry I’m late, people, but the line at the liquor store was sooo damn long! Now who’s got the corkscrew?”
2. Conversely, go to a PTA meeting. When asked for comments stand up and say slowly, “Hello. My name is [insert your name here]* and I’m a sexaholic. It all started one wintry eve when I was sixteen with the football team. No, not the whole football team, I’m not that bad. It was just the offensive line…” See how far you can get with the story, but when they finally do tackle you, start screaming, “Oh, God! It’s just like that night all over again! Be gentle!”
3. Put a picture of your co-worker’s wife in a prominent position on your desk. When it garners attention just nod and say, “I know; She’s a hot one. You should see her without the sweater.” (Editors Note: This will work much better if you’re a woman, but the annoyance level can be high for both sexes. Also, girl on girl photo annoyance? Hot!)
4. When going out to dinner on about the third date, grab your partner’s hand and look deep into their eyes as you say, “I’ve always wanted to emulate Brad and Angelina and have children of several different cultures. But…I don’t believe in adoption. Will that be a problem?”
5. When meeting new people say, “Oh wow! Your Mom and I go waaaay back! Does she still have that tattoo?” Point suggestively at your backside. (This works great if you say your dad too!)
6. Pay for your Christmas presents with Monopoly money. When the cashier explains incredulously that they don’t accept it, lean over and ask in a whisper, “Then who’s playing the banker?”
7. Give the Monopoly money the store wouldn’t accept to the homeless people. Or go all out, in the spirit of Christmas, and give them a hotel.
8. At church, tell happy families that they have lovely children. Interrupt their thanks to look meaningfully at the dad and ask, “Are they yours?”
9. Next time you see an unmarked cargo van parked somewhere, make a trail of candy and toddler toys leading to the rear doors. Then from far off, note how long it takes the owner to be arrested.
10. Save time decorating for each individual holiday by nailing one of those plastic manger baby Jesuses to a cross in your yard. Festoon with twinkling “crown of thorns” lights and Easter Eggs, and you’re good until May! (Side note: Although I do believe in religious diversity, I cannot recommend adding a Menorah to the display. I personally have burned down three Baby Jesus Crosses in my yard trying to do this and frankly, it’s not safe. Not only do my neighbors make the sign of the cross every time they see me, but Mel Gibson sends me letters telling me he appreciates my “symbolic retelling of the truth.” On the bright side, it did allow us to incorporate roasting marshmallows into our Holiday traditions)
Bonus Suggestion: Email Manwithpez suggestions about how to annoy people until finally, in desperation, he lets you write the whole damn post.
ManWithPez back again, here. So, there they are. Niki’s twisted intellect allows us to have a good guffaw this holiday season. I would say that I can’t recommend her highly enough, but I think that might send the wrong message. Let’s say this, then. If she had an annoyance newsletter, I’d subsribe to it. I mean, what crazed mind, other than my own, comes up with #9 up there, huh? Well, I always did like them smart and gorgeous. (By the way…please ignore the bonus suggestion. I think she’s trying to wreak some horrible revenge on me for being such a dick ten years ago.)
Leave a Comment