Alton Brown vs Chuck Norris Round IIFriday, November 20th, 2009
Oh, we’ve been down this avenue before with Alton Brown. Honestly, I think given the proper preparation time and tools, Alton could actually take down old Beardface. What, you find that nickname offensive, Norris fans? Okay, I’ll just start calling him Sasquatch. Actually, I’m kinda worried that one of my grandparents or another will come over to this site and find me badmouthing Walker. I’ll probably be disowned. Heh…It’s worth it. Alton Brown vs Chuck Norris Round II starts now.
1. The real reason Chuck Norris doesn’t have the body hair that he used to? His personal chef was secretly feeding him arsenic to rid the world of his bad acting. That chef? Young Alton Brown (who actually made the poison taste awesome!)
2. Alton Brown graduated from culinary school in two days. It would have been sooner, but he accidentally broke one of the ovens when he configured it to be hotter than the sun.
3. Alton Brown and Chuck Norris have fought previously. You remember the first episode of Good Eats? Steak Your Claim? All those cuts of beef in that episode…all Chuck Norris.
4. Alton Brown once starred in a one-man production of The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. He’s just that good.
5. Feasting on Asphalt was really a nickname that Alton Brown gave to Chuck Norris after running over him with his motorcycle.
6. You remember that line from My Cousin Vinny: “I’m just a fast cook, I guess.” ? Alton Brown was the only person who didn’t laugh at that. He simply nodded his head and said “I understand perfectly.”
7. Chuck Norris = Horrible Roundhouse Kick + Beard . Alton Brown = Delicious Food + Occasional Beard. I think the choice is obvious.
8. Gordon Ramsey is Alton Brown’s bitch.
9. The disembodied hand “Thing” that occasionally assists Alton Brown on Good Eats is actually Chuck Norris’s disembodied hand. It now serves Alton Brown due to a horrible asskicking served up to Chuck. The asskicking, by the way, was golden, Brown, and delicious.
10. All of the cooks on Food Network are actually Alton Brown in various costumes.