ManWithPez

...and then Chuck got cut into four equilateral pieces.

For a very special Halloween “vs Chuck Norris” segment, ThatCostumeGirl suggested we set the monsters out there loose on poor little Chuck.  I’m a little uncertain on how to do this, but I’m going to give it a try anyways.  I like Chuck, I do, and no doubt about it, but as a nerd in general and a movie nerd specifically, I think a load of my favorite horror film baddies would put a whoopin’ on the penultimate Texas Ranger, so here goes…Monsters vs Chuck Norris.

1.  Chuck was once having a dream where he actually beat Bruce Lee in Return of the Dragon.  Freddy Krueger showed up and made certain the Chuck still got his neck broke.  Then, to drive the point home, he had sex with Chuck Norris’s corpse.

2.  You ever seen Bambi vs Godzilla?  Chuck Norris vs Godzilla was even shorter.

3.  Dracula was going to take on Chuck, but saw him as a fellow vampire, what with Chuck’s shows and movie sucking everyone’s will to live and all.

4.  The Wolf Man was once frightened of Chuck Norris’s beard…then he rallied after he found an attack point.  Turns out, The Wolfman’s got nards.  They just happened to once belong to Chuck Norris.

5.  Walker:  Texas Ranger was actually the first victim in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  The family ate him before those annoying kids in the van showed up.

6.  Chuck already faced an unstoppable killing machine in the film Silent Rage.  Then Jason Vorhees appeared and showed him the true definition of “unstoppable killing machine” because if all the forms of killing don’t work on Jason…that pussy ass roundhouse kick sure ain’t going to do it.

7.  Chucky vs Chuck Norris?  It wasn’t hard for Chucky to find a voodoo doll of Chuck Norris, seeing how there are actually action figures of the man in existence.  Also, the Good Guy cartoon kicked the shit out of that crappy Chuck Norris cartoon in the ratings.

8.  Chuck Norris tried to be all macho and take on The Creature from the Black Lagoon.  The Creature gave Chuck an underwater uppercut so fierce that he knocked him out of the Black Lagoon and into The Blue Lagoon.

9.  You know the controversial scene in Frankenstein where Frankenstein’s monster drowned that little girl?  It was actually a dramatizatoin of the first meeting between the monster and Chuck.  Flowers and all.

10.  The house in Poltergeist wasn’t haunted.  That TV was just tuned to an especially bad episode of Walker:  Texas Ranger.  The house imploded in protest.

Tags: Chuck Norris, List

This entry was posted on Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 7:30 am and is filed under Versus. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.