ManWithPez

"Anyone...anyone....anyone..."

Man, I remember sitting in class, bored out of my skull, thinking that it would be so much more interesting if, when the weekend rolled around, my teacher would head for the hills to solve mysteries or protect the innocent.  The school teachers of rural Kentucky, where I hail from, don’t really think that way.  In fact, no teachers think like that.  That’s why, in escapist entertainment, we have more than a bit to choose from when it comes to getting the job done and ridding the world of evil.  So, here they are, in my personal rank order:

From these things fetishes are born.

10.  Now, I’ve never read the book, The Trouble With Miss Switch, and time seems to be running out on that deadline.  I can tell you this from the ABC Weekend Special that used to air in the 80s.  Miss Switch was really, really….really fucking hot.  Like Baroness from GI Joe hot.  That kind of hot.  I’m fairly certain that’s where my love of women in glasses started.  Never mind that’s she a witch, and could kill you ninja style without ever having to move.  She can make animals talk just by being around them.  I don’t know the style in which they speak, but I’ve got a pretty good idea what style that they would want to….you know what…I’m just going to leave that thought unfinished.  Like a basement, or some kinds of furniture.  This website is depraved enough without having to sink to the new low of bestiality.  Available on DVD and still in print.

Play the baliset right, or I'll stab your ass. With the slow blade.

9.  When coming up with who was supposed to fill the next slot, I was uncertain what to do.  I might catch hell for placing him here, but Gurney Halleck from Dune is my choice for number nine.  Why so low?  Well, he’s already a badass.  He’s the swordmaster for the Atreides family and a kind of de facto body guard for the Duke Leto Atreides’s son.   The education part is kind of secondary here.  However, we do get various scenes from the book and films of him clearly teaching Paul a valuable lesson, so, yes, technically, he’s a teacher.  Described as thin with a whip scar down one side of his jaw, he’s also a skilled stringed instrument player(the baliset…available at your local music store.  On Geidi Prime), and something of a poet.  I just wouldn’t say anything about how gay poetry is around him.  Might be the last thing you do.

Oh, the asses this fist has kicked!

8.  Master Roshi from Dragonball, Dragonball Z and Dragonball GT is…well, he’s my kind of teacher.  He’s simply a filthy old pervert who demands perfection in his students, one of whom he allows to train with him simply because he’s got a stack of skin mags!  If you don’t give it to him, you might as well pack your turtle shell.  He is a vastly skilled martial artist who passes all his knowledge on to young Goku, including the much used and powerful Kamehameha wave, which concentrates all of your energy into one blinding energy beam.  He’s also quite old, but that doesn’t stop him from wanting to see boobs or being able to run faster than the eye can see.  Without him, or his students, the world wouldn’t be here today!

Ira Kane: Man of science, remover of insect from friend's ass.

7.  In the film Evolution, we’re shown what several scientists and professors can do with vast amounts of know-how, intelligence, ingenuity, and shampoo.  Chief amongst these is community college biology professor Ira Kane, played by David Duchovny.  A one-time military doctor and research scientist, he was disgraced in the military for inventing an anthrax vaccine that gave any number of horrible side effects to the soldiers he tested it on.  That didn’t stop him from stepping up when nature called in the form of a meteor bearing nitrogen based lifeforms that evolved at an alarming rate.  With a little help from his friends, students, and the Glen Canyon Fire Department, Ira was able to put an end to the alien menace.

Oh...that's a shame. Such a pretty car, too.

6.  In the novelette Dolan’s Cadillac, Stephen King introduces us to a man who is completely wracked with grief, pain, and loss.  Robinson is a third grade school teacher whose wife was killed by a crime boss named Dolan.  After years of planning, Robinson comes up with an elaborate trap to capture and kill Dolan by burying Dolan’s Cadillac with him in it.  Though what he’s doing is terrible, and you’re not ever really certain of his sanity, you do identify with  and cheer Robinson on in his task, which is related in great detail.  You see, it takes time, effort, and experience to know how to do these things, and you get to see Robinson accumulate all three.  You also get to see a big payoff.  I can’t recommend this story highly enough.  ( I can tell you to avoid the movie at all costs, unless you want to bleed from the eyes.)

Librarians kick ass!

5.  The concept of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to me, is the best part of the entire operation.  For every generation, there is a girl that will kill the monsters.  She’s got help though, in the way of a mentor, trainer, and teacher.  One Slayer, one Watcher.  For Buffy, that man is Rupert Giles.  Okay, originally that man was Merrick, but he took a stabbin’, so he’s out.  Taking his place is English Watcher Rupert Giles.  First, he insinuates himself into Buffy’s life by becoming her school librarian (I don’t imagine Sunnydale High, sitting on top of a Hellmouth, checks references all that closely, which is not to say his weren’t excellent.)  By accident, or design, it turns out that a librarian who knows what he’s doing is just what Buffy needs.  But, in the bargain, she gets a truly badass librarian who’s not only saved Buffy, but killed numbers of demon, vampires, etc. on his own.  Known as “Ripper” in his youth, he dabbled in conjuring a bit, and still uses magicks to aid him in his quest to assist The Slayer.  Past a certain point, however, you start to notice that demons are a bit afraid of Giles in his own right.  Cause he’s a badass!

"If so powerful you are, why leave?" No better words to hand out an asskickin'.

4.  When we first see Yoda, he’s a total lunatic menace.  He steals food and flashlights, he slaps around an astromech, he lies about who he is.  Well, all that was a test, young Skywalker…and you failed.  In the prequels we learn that not only was Yoda an excellent teacher, leader and member of the Jedi council, but he was also the master of the lightsaber.  Even though the movie wasn’t that great, think about the second time you saw Attack of the Clones.  Didn’t you get excited when you knew Yoda was about to open a small, green can of whoopass on Dooku?   And his shutdown of Darth Sidious was especially standout in Revenge of the Sith.  But, being a teacher is what Yoda is known for, and even referenced in other works as. (Per the film Seven:  “Just because the fucker’s got a library card doesn’t make him Yoda!”)

Executive order: Flush your ass out an airlock. Love, the President.

3.  The 12 colonies and all their various forms of government have all been nuked from existence.  Who do you call?  Why, if she’s still alive, you call the Secretary of Education, Laura Roslin.  In Battlestar Galactica, such an event kicks things off.  The ranking cabinet member left alive is Laura Roslin, who is suffering from cancer, just getting over a tremendous personal loss, and the dead president’s bed buddy!   When it comes to Cylons and the survival of the human race, however, you won’t find a tougher spine.  Her policy on abortion?  Oh, that shit’s over with because it harms the repopulation of the human race.  Her policy on Cylons?  Throw them out the nearest airlock!  She’s good at it too!  Just as she’s good at being a teacher.  When the colony of New Caprica is founded, she goes right back to being a teacher without skipping a beat.  As soon as she’s the president again, she’s on top of that too.  (Just like she ends up on top of…Well, I’ll let you find that out on your own.)

KAME...HAME....HAAAAA!!!!

2.  In the Harry Potter books, we’re shown any number of powerful witch and wizard teachers at Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang.  Unlike all the other teachers we’re ever shown, however, only one man is able to conjure fear in the most powerful dark wizard of all times, Lord Voldemort, and that’s Albus Dumbledore, Hogwart’s headmaster.  While you always get the feeling that he’s head and shoulders above almost every other wizard you meet, it’s not until The Order of the Phoenix that you get to see him really whip some ass!   He directly takes on Voldemort and eventually sends the younger (though somewhat deader) wizard off with his tail between his legs.  In the next book, Half-Blood Prince, you get to learn a little more about what this remarkable man and asskicker of the infinite is all about, when he displays more courage than you thought him capable of.  Albus Dumbledore:  Badass!

Ooooh yeah. One for the ladies. Enjoy, ladies!

1.  As bad of an ass(heh) as Dumbledore is, he simply pales in comparison to our last entry here.  Tenured archaeology professor Henry Jones Jr.  Better known to us, his friends, and his enemies as Indiana Jones!  I’ve sat through many a class, thinking how much better this class would be with booby traps, gunplay, and a bullwhip!  If you were sitting through one of Indy’s classes, that’s exactly what you’d get! (Maybe.)  He was such a badass that he grabbed onto the side of a submarine and rode that bitch halfway around the world before he got in there!  He beat up the entire Nazi party!  No shit!  He even managed to beat God!  More than once!  Not to mention laugh in the face of a couple of Indian dieties.  I don’t even know why I’m writing this!  You all know what a badass he is!  He’s so awesome that people went to see him in a far less superior film last year, and he still came out of it okay!  Indiana Jones IS simply the most badass educator of our times!

"STOP IT!!!"

Before I go, I have a couple of honorable mentions.  You can look these guys up on your own time…they just fell a little below my personal top ten.  John Kimball (Kindergarten Cop), Harry Block (Evolution), Andrew Norris (Class of 1984), and Jonathan Shale (The Substitute).  All badasses in their own right…just not top ten material.  Better luck next time, fellas!

Tags: Badass, List, Nerd

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 7:00 am and is filed under Books, Cartoons, Movies, Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.