Health Risk: Boobwatch!
Monday, October 12th, 2009
It's all fun and games until that ball hits you in the boobs!
My girlfriend ThatCostumeGirl is an avid soccer fan as well as a player in a local league. Yesterday, I went with her to a doubleheader. Personally, I didn’t know what the hell I was looking at. Doesn’t make me a bad person, just not a soccer fan. Had I known what horrors I was about to watch, I would’ve stayed home.
Hey, I’m watching these women duke it out on the field, and it’s hot, I won’t lie. They’re grunting and shoving and kicking. Cool! But, roughly five minutes into the first game I saw something horrifying. This woman took a fully kicked soccer ball to the tits! I winced, but kept watching. Three minutes later, it happens again! The sound, which was roughly like a football being punted a good eighty yards, would have been enough to frighten Stephen King into writing an amazing novel about it in roughly twenty minutes. It was that scary.
So, I started paying attention to what I should have been looking at all along, rather than the well toned legs of these soccer chicks. Sure, for the most part, the ball stays on the ground and out of harm’s way of your average pair of sweater moutains. But, even then, there’s arms flailing about, elbows being thrown, all in the name of ball control. And what feature of these women were getting all the abuse? That’s right…The snacktrays!
Being a funbag fan from way back, I could only watch the wanton destruction of one of my favorite body parts with dismay. First, there’s all the running and exercise. Okay, fine, good for you. You’re in shape. But, what about the boobies? Where are they going to go, huh? And all so you look better and feel better. Bah! For shame ladies. Running the boobies off. Won’t you think of your fellow man? And, the goalies…my God! They were taking it to the lactomonsters every minute or so!
All in all the experience was like watching the end of “Distraction”, the game show where you’d win a fabulous prize, but if you didn’t answer questions fast enough, your fellow losers (sorry…contestants) would get to damage your prize. Ladies, please! Stop damaging the prizes!
So, ladies, girls, women of all ages that enjoy the sport, I’m begging you…STOP! Stop playing soccer! Me, the men around you, and your own breasts will thank you!
(Note: This is meant as a joke. I fully support women’s soccer and any form of exercise. So, please, keep your nastygram to yourself.)
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